Planned or Unplanned

So I was talking the other day with a friend about tv series, and how sometimes it annoys me when there are dead end plots that go nowhere. Specifically I was thinking about Melrose and when Laura Leighton was on 90210 for like, six episodes or something, and then her character just disappeared. Or that one weird episode of 7th Heaven in which a crooked contractor feigns injury while renovating the garage apartment to rip off the Camdens and Annie is all “I will fight you on this!” and then nothing was ever mentioned again. Clearly plots they threw at the wall that didn’t stick.

These always annoy me, despite the fact that in real life events happen that don’t necessarily lead anywhere all the time. Then again, if I wanted real life I wouldn’t need a tv at all.

Initially I floated Lost as a show with a plan before I realized it too is littered with lost (heh) plots, like Libby and Ana Lucia or, more gallingly (since AL & L were apparently let go because of bad behavior filing in Hawaii) Shannon and Boone. Why were they even there? It really puts a damper in my faith that Lost has an overarching plan, in spite of its assurances.

I have similar issues with BSG. Don’t tell me “They have a plan” unless they have a plan.

At the end of the day, the only shows I can think of that seem airtight to me are Veronica Mars and some anime series (which are, presumably, planned out in the manga?), though I’m always ready to hear more.

I haven’t finished the Sopranos yet, but it seems to be a pretty tight show thus far (midway through S5) and possibly Big Love, although it’s hard to tell with series that are ongoing.

Sectionals

For the mid-season finale, this week’s episode of Glee was a little predictable. If the team hadn’t won sectionals this would have been the shortest season ever, so there wasn’t a lot of tension there, although it was fun to see how they got there, and nice to hear all new numbers.

It’s nice to see that blonde lady from True Blood who wanted to bone jason stackhouse continues to be perky and ambiguously misguided. Pop up other places on my tv pretty lady! Her comments about the deaf choir rang unfortunately true, and I don’t think it had to be that way at all, opportunity squandered. I cringed. I also cringed when the choir director for the correctional school was all, “We black people will just never be as good as you white kids even when we cheat and you don’t practice!” Uncomfortable.

On the very good side, the faked pregnancy plots are resolved, hurrah! At the start of the episode I was confused because I honestly didn’t remember Puck telling anyone he was the father, but you know, booze is right there in the title of this blog. Mercedes and Tina’s cell phone conversation made me smile as it was basically a remake of the scene from Clueless in which Cher and Dionne are talking on their (ENORMOUS) cell phones and meet in the hallway. Tina I’m agnostic on, but I love Mercedes at least as much as I love Cher Horowitz, so it’s ok.

Bland Redhead and Will got together andzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the less said about that the better. I. Don’t. Care.

I’ll definitely miss Glee until it comes back, but fortunately all the music is up on youtube, so I can get a fix of the show’s continuing strength– the excellent vocal performances.

Thanksgiving Leftovers: The Sopranos and Gossip Girl

All my tv-viewing this week seemed to be about Thanksgiving, which doesn’t seem that notable, just topical, except that some of it was old stuff like the Melrose I posted and the Sopranos episode “He Is Risen” (3×08). Perhaps it’s a testament to the fact that I consume whole seasons of tv shows over the course of a normal week though. Shh. Don’t tell.

More Thanksgiving episodes of TV should involve hijacked turkeys because that’s always funny. The plot of this episode is basically that Tony doesn’t doesn’t want the annoying mobster (the one with the David Spade on Just Shoot me Hair, the one who always says “hooo-er” for “whore” which comes up a lot since he killed one. Fuck it, if I’m going to keep talking about him I should look up his name… Ralphie Cifaretto!) to come to Thanksgiving dinner even though Carmela has invited his special lady, Rosalie Aprile, and even though Meadow has popped an enormous ladyboner for Jackie Aprile jr. Eventually Carmela uninvites them, though Meadow and Jackie hook up anyway after a sexay minor (and totally avoidable) car accident.

One thing I looooooove about James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano is how real he seems and how there are moments that I can’t remember having seen such a familiar real life thing happening on tv as when Tony frantically tears through the turkey bag for antacids and chomps down on like 10 at a time. So. great.

Other things that are realistic but too horrifying for network tv: Gigi Cestone straining to take the first Thanksgiving dump while reading Playboy. It’s like a soft porn including episode of “I didn’t know I was pregnant.” I don’t get the porn in the bathroom thing guys do. The last time I lived with a dude he had an ENORMOUS stack of magazines and some pornographic “classy” wall art. Do guys get so bored while pooping that they need to masturbate? Wouldn’t you worry about creating a horrifying association between sex and scat? Happily (for us, not him) Gigi dies on the can so Operant Conditioning doesn’t have time to take effect.

Season three is interesting. I keep wanting Tony to whack some misogynists, like Ralphie, like he’s a murderous Gloria Steinem, which is unrealistic since Tony is definitely not a role model in the gender equality department. I’m pretty sure that if Dr. Malfi had told him about the rape he would have killed her rapist, and I can see why the show didn’t go there, but that’s some catharsis I could have gotten behind. Also, I’m sooooo tired rape as a plot device. Please imperil your female characters in less sexual ways, I’m over it, I’m tired of seeing it, it upsets me and disturbs me, (although so far I’m impressed that the Sopranos doesn’t seem to have forgotten it happened and has Dr. Malfi going to therapy and being affected for more than just an episode).

On the more current Thanksgiving tip, most of my thoughts on the Gossip Girl Thanksgiving episode are covered in this brilliant offering by the Fug Girls.

This is actually the stage [Acceptance] I’m still struggling with, because I REFUSE to be okay with Serena wearing a men’s figure-skating outfit to sit around the family table and give thanks for, like, boob tape and unavailable politicos who hate their wives.

Friends. It is true. That is exactly what Serena is wearing. I spent the whole episode squinting at the screen and unfortunately at this lovely lady’s crotch to determine whether it was a lace front formal catsuit, and it WAS. Ugh. Fortunately Serena’s hair was in this really adorable updo that I covet more than anything she’s ever done with her hair. But it didn’t come close to making up for the catsuit.

So the A plot is that Serena is a TERRIBLE PERSON. She is helping Trip cheat on Maureen and making this sad puppy face like she’s the victim here even though she is a HORRIBLE CHEATER van der CHEATERSON. JESUS. CHRIST. And all this is happening despite the fact that a) Trip is not cute, b) Trip has crazy bugged out eyes c) Trip has no personality d)Serena has known him for three seconds and e) Nate Archibland, Serena’s childhood bestie with whom she has previously slept (so it’s not a kibbutz syndrome situation) IS cute and is into Serena. Serena thinks she has some sort of get out of jail free card because of something mysterious involving her dad, but she is an adult person now, adults engaging in adultery don’t get to blame it on others. WHY is it HAPPENING?

I have no answers. In other Satanic pairings, Dan is now suddenly in love with Vanessa, which makes me want to hurl. I cannot imagine how horribly self-righteous and Brooklyn these terrible people are going to be when they get together. It’s going to be completely repulsive. They are going to renovate lofts, write poems, and wash their hair with hemp shampoo I just know it and it’s just horrible. It’s such a piss-off too, because one of the reasons I always hated Dan was that he was always moralizing at Serena because of her wealth. For once he has something to *actually* moralize about, and he doesn’t care! Apparently it’s fine to fuck a married congressman but wrong to buy your boyfriend a nice birthday gift. WHY. WHY IS IT HAPPENING?

Gossip Girl continues its tradition of appalling guests ruining holidays at the homes of others, like Cece (whose “heart pumps secrets and gin”) who threatens to spill some secret of Lily’s or Maureen who is there JUST to have a showdown with Trip and Serena. I’m sorry, but that’s pretty tacky. Have your fight at home or Trip’s office. Or Nate, leaking the Trip/Serena make out tape. Thanks to said tape, Lily finds out and takes it! personally! And I’m forced to defend a fucking cheater (which I always hate) because Lily has NO room to judge anyone for cheating or for sleeping with a married a man. She cheated on Bart with Rufus and slept with Rufus when he was married to the HumpMom.

Blair is hilarious. She thinks her mom is pregnant and tries to force her hand by offering her unpasteurized cheese and booze. I love the way she talks. To Jenny: “Where are you dragging me? Haven’t you heard of a whispered aside?…. How do you find having a sibling? Someone whose sole purpose on earth is to compete for your parents love and attention?”

Blair is the greatest ever, though her declaration: “I want pie.” made me worry. Remember the Thanksgiving when Eleanor enabled her bulimia all “Choose a dessert and take it to your room.” and Blair ate a whole pie and barfed? I do, and it was VERY upsetting. But they make up and, as far as we know, Blair doesn’t eat and puke a whole pie. And, in better pie news, apparently Tom Colicchio lives in Dorota’s boyfriend Vanya’s building! JEALOUS.

ANYway. Cute Nate asks Serena not to run away with a married congressman, and for inexplicable reasons, she does not stay and goes with Representative BugEyes. HOTLY, Chuck breaks plans with Blair for the evening in order to stay and comfort a sad but hot Nate. They decide to get drunk, and one thing leads to another. In my mind anyway.

While They Were In There I Told Them to Go Ahead and Yank Out Those Tear Ducts

Apparently Doostyn and I are sorcerers, because we got practically everything we wanted from Glee this week! Yay I can just love you as you as you are you tricksy show!!!

Rachel was great as usual. I laughed at her line about her gay dads having a close relationship with the ACLU. I love practically every mention of her gay dads though, so I have a bias. Lea Michele is a really good actress too, she really inhabits everything about the role. When Will said they’d be voting for who was in the pictures you could see the tendons in her neck tense. The outfit she wore for the photos looked like an insane ice-dancing outfit for a Wizard of Oz number, which I would kind of enjoy seeing, I’m not going to lie.

I just identify with her so much, as a former self righteous yet clueless and annoying theatre nerd myself. Rachel just thinks that if she’s just truly authentically herself people will be charmed, which sometimes works, like with the mattress commercial but sometimes really doesn’t, like her pitch to Britney. “I don’t want to be in that picture with you, it will get defaced… I’ll be the one doing it.” But as usual her number with Finn was my favorite of the episode, partly because I love Lily Allen more than is seemly and the video for that song is a work of schadenfreude genius. She scratches all his records, throws his clothes in the toilet, and feeds him laxatives… who *doesn’t* want to do that to a cheating ex??

Sue Sylvester was amazing as usual. Her How Sue Cs It rant made me laugh a lot: “All I want is just one day a year where I’m not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously Ohio, these retinas need a day off! So here’s the dream: Friday after Christmas, which I have off, if you’re hideous [shrug] stay at home. Spend the entire day watching home videos of a time when you weren’t too repulsive for me to ever want to look at.”

I feel like whenever Sue says something outrageous there are people who get offended, and that’s actually one of the big reasons I hated the “Sue has a heart” storyline the other work. First off, disabled family members are not automatic get of being an asshole free card. Plenty of people are jerks generally but have it in them to make an exception for certain people. But in order for the things Sue says to be funny, she has to be cartoonishly villainous, that’s what makes it satire. There really are people who think and say things like this about fat people or ugly people (see street harassment, the comments of any gossip blog, or the times your friend has pointed out a woman in public and said she shouldn’t be wearing that), and by making Sue say them, the writers of Glee are saying: “Only a real asshole thinks like this.”

Most importantly though, Glee heeded our prayers and dealt with the fake pregnancy, thank god. No more pregnancy shenanigans! Unfortunately, they did this in a way that made Will seem super rapey. Unlike Sue, we are supposed to think Will is a good guy, one of the moral centers of the show, this despite his many actions of extreme weenie assholery. It was pretty disturbing to see the show basically excuse domestic violence because hey, Mr. Shue is a hero and Terri really is the worst therefore it’s not that bad that he yelled at her to left up her shirt, pinned her to the wall ,and ripped part of her clothes off. This while the camera stayed tight on their hard-breathing faces and close lips. I don’t care what Terri did, violence and threats are not ok. Making said violent act look like sexy time is not ok. (Sure there are plenty of people who like a little consensual violence in their sex, but it’s neither here nor there, this wasn’t consensual and I’m not watching the Anne Rice Pony Play channel.) And to have Will storm out while Terri begged for him to come back just made me feel ill.

Again, the crucial point here is that Will is supposed to be a good guy. We’re supposed to watch this scene and be on his side.

Finally, Will steps down as Glee director, but this ain’t my first rodeo, I know he’ll be back, much as I may wish it otherwise. In his parting address to the kids he said: “The best teachers don’t give you the answers, they just point the way and let you make your own choices, your own mistakes. That way you get all the glory. And you deserve it. If you can’t win without me there, then I haven’t done my job.”

That is what the best teachers do Will, and I think we can extrapolate some things from the fact that this is basically the opposite of your behavior. Unless you have some other way to explain your creepy solo-stealing under the guise of “showing you how it’s done” or the time tried to make the club sing “Le Freak” when they told you they wanted to sing “Push It.”

Or the time earlier this same episode when you ignored the kids desire to not be humiliated in the yearbook.

Will is like Allison on Melrose Place or Kelly Taylor: you can tell the writers think he’s really great and want you to think he’s an amazing guy, a real Mary Sue, but they’ve given him all these *really* unpleasant personality traits, seemingly without knowing how annoying or abhorrent they are.

It makes me think that no matter how much I love the show– and I do!– I would probably really not enjoy hanging out with the people who write it. Unless I start finding extreme narcissism, inappropriate boundaries, and creepy sexual behavior toward minors to suddenly be appealing personality traits.

An Evening with the Muumuu Sisters

Doostyn

i’m watching nip/tuck right now

9:55pmGnatalby

is it amazing?

9:55pmDoostyn

of course

the opening scene

is a ken and barbie couple

as in

9:55pmGnatalby

awesome

9:55pmDoostyn

the dude

does not have nipples

and the lady wants hers removed

9:56pmGnatalby

oh creeeepy

and awesome

I was thinking about s5

because my impression is that it was boring

but then like you commented back to me

when I think about specifics

there wa s a lot of good stuff

build a bear murder

and I did like hearts and scalpals

9:57pmDoostyn

yeah i thought it was a def step up

9:57pmGnatalby

I think it’s that even boring nip tuck is 90000 times more interesting than interesting everything else

9:57pmDoostyn

yeah it sets the bar pretty high

for being not boring

there’s an awesome big fat lady who is coming on to christian hardcore

and is like “You have no idea what you’re missing”

9:58pmGnatalby

barking up the wrong tree lady

9:58pmDoostyn

and her robe is all open and fat and side boob is hanging out

9:58pmGnatalby

christian is the shallowest man on earth

9:58pmDoostyn

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

they did it!

9:58pmGnatalby

did what?

9:58pmDoostyn

“That’s the best orgasm i’ve ever had”

the business

9:59pmGnatalby

oh christian and the lady did it

9:59pmDoostyn

yeah

9:59pmGnatalby

wow… I would not have expected that

9:59pmDoostyn

it all happened v quickly

9:59pmGnatalby

I love that to get christian in bed all you have to do is be like, “you might think this is gross, but really it’s great”

too bad that doesn’t work on Sean, the actually hot one

though I did notice the last time he was shirtless that while he’s still hot, he’s getting a little less defined in the ab region than he has been

10:00pmDoostyn

oh jeez

they’re playing a song

while operating on the fat woman

10:01pmGnatalby

since overall he’s aging much hotter than christian

10:01pmDoostyn

with the lyrics “Fat mama! Come on and dance with me!”

nip/tuck is so literal

10:01pmGnatalby

oh so sensitive

I know that’s why we love it though

like it’s not enough that Matt is ridiculous, nay, he is an actual clown

10:01pmDoostyn

yeah they’re both saggy, which doesn’t really work for this show

b/c of their profession

is this show making us shallow?

10:02pmGnatalby

yeah, clearly those actors need to go under the knife for integrity

I feel like julia is

as long as we’re only shallow while we watch nip/tuck it’s probably ok

if you ever judge my muumuu and side boob in real life though

10:03pmDoostyn

oh kimber

10:03pmGnatalby

we’ll know it’s a bridge too far

10:03pmDoostyn

she feels now that christian has fucked a fat woman

she has license to get fat

10:03pmGnatalby

haaaa

10:03pmDoostyn

so she’s eating Cherry Garcia for the “first time”

god it must suck to be a skinny bitch

10:04pmDoostyn

aaaaaaaaaagh!

kimber in a fat suit!!!!

being fucked from behind!

by christan!

…..

pausing midway

to go get two spoons

and fudge sauce

10:04pmGnatalby

kimber’s thinness is partially surgically maintained

you’d think she’d eat ice cream all the time

and that’s sort of amazing

though I never want streaky brown matter to make an appearance while I’m boning

but to each their own, I know that’s something you gays enjoy

10:05pmDoostyn

ok this is a very fantasy sequence heavy nip/tuck

10:05pmGnatalby

bwah

10:05pmDoostyn

sean is now in a leave it to beaver like fantasy

with his barbie client

10:06pmGnatalby

I was hoping it was time lapse reality

does she want, in the parlance of hedwig, a barbie doll crotch?

or just a barbie doll chest?

10:06pmDoostyn

i guess just the chest

although it’s a slippery slope i’m sure

10:07pmGnatalby

I guess you can never get a true barbie/ken lower half unless catheters are involved

10:07pmDoostyn

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

you ARE a socerer

sean has a barbie doll crotch!

10:07pmGnatalby

don’t worry, I”ll use my powers for good

10:07pmDoostyn

that whole sequence was nutty even for nutty nip/tuck

“Christian told me about blow jobs at work”

“You mean putting your penis in my mouth? Isn’t that….sex?”

10:08pmGnatalby

please tell me it’s a macnamara/troy bejammer

10:09pmDoostyn

if only

god christian is so easily phobic

one homoerotic shower and he’s punching dudes

one fantasy sequence of fat kimber and fudge sauce

and he’s kicking the fat lady out of the office

10:10pmGnatalby

heh yeah nip/tuck definitely subscribes to the idea that phobias are based in desire

it reminds me of the scene in big love

when someone is like “he wanted to take one of my wives”

and it cuts to one of the scary compound ladies

10:11pmDoostyn

“Look I’m not stupid, and I’m not blind….I’m just a gorgeous sexy woman trapped in a fat person’s body”

um, what?

10:11pmGnatalby

with her 19th century hair and dowdiness

heh, right, I mean, love the skin you’re in lady

you can be a gorgeous sexy fat lady

see Winfrey, Oprah, Latifah, Queen

10:12pmDoostyn

whoah

boobs can be on tv

if the nipples are removed by special effects

10:12pmGnatalby

creeeeeeeepy

I want that even less

10:13pmGnatalby

apparently the nipple is what makes it dirty

never mind that men’s nipples are on tv all the time

lady nipples are only for filthy pervs

it’s like transubstantiation

10:15pmDoostyn

in what way?

please explain religious scholar

parade of naked fat men!

10:15pmGnatalby

hehe

10:15pmDoostyn

in the office

“What are you doing in here?” says fat lady

“Saving your beautiful ass!”

says one of the fat naked men

why are they naked

maybe i missed something…

10:16pmGnatalby

I just meant that man nipples and lady nipples are the same, unless magical designation makes them different

is she being saved by feeders?

are they there to tell her to love the skin she’s in?

are the fat men, essentially, you and me, the viewers in muumuus at home?

10:17pmDoostyn

yeah

maybe we’re meant to be roused to rip our muumuus off and parade into plastic surgery offices

10:18pmGnatalby

it seems a little cold for that

10:18pmDoostyn

“Chemo…well that could be the best diet ever right?”

that’s….looking on the bright side

10:18pmGnatalby

too bad we don’t live in LA

dude, that’s what my grandma said to my mom

10:18pmDoostyn

holy fuck you have to be joking

10:18pmGnatalby

at least your double mastectomy made you look thin

nope

10:18pmDoostyn

does your grandmother write for nip/tuck

10:18pmGnatalby

her mom, quite a prize

10:19pmDoostyn

that is the best gig insensitive people can aspire to

10:19pmGnatalby

she also gave me a necklace for my birthday and said it was too cute to pass up even though it would get lost in my rolls

10:19pmDoostyn

case in point….christian walking in on kimber puking up her binge fest: “you’re pathetic!”

10:20pmGnatalby

like, I mean, other than my boobs, I don’t think I have anything on my upper chest that qualifies as a roll

10:20pmDoostyn

wow she should submit her resume

based on those two comments alone

10:20pmGnatalby

is kimber bulemic or is the cherry garcia just not sitting well since she usually doesn’t eat?

10:21pmDoostn

maybe the cherry garcia isn’t sitting well with the entire pepperoni pizza resting on top

also that’s gotta be a tiny stomach

10:21pmGnatalby

amateur

10:21pmDustin

ha, seriously

10:21pmGnatalby

I always wonder that about skinny people actually

like, i love them

but how do their organs fit into such a limited space?

apparently organs are much smaller than I thought

10:22pmDoostyn

maybe their puny skinny person organs

10:22pmGnatalby

and more of me is made up by lumps of cherry garcia and pepperoni than I want to admit

10:22pmDoostyn

my organs are big and beautiful!

just like my ass!

10:23pmGnatalby

my liver is just incredibly buff and bulky

10:23pmDoostyn

ok ken is gay now

actually his name is skip

10:23pmGnatalby

ahahaaaaa

10:23pmDoostyn

(i mean we always knew that about the doll, so makes sense)

but he’s gay

b/c sean slept with barbie

10:23pmGnatalby

not earring magic ken?

that’s so strange

10:23pmDoostyn

which somehow gave him the freedom to admit he’s gay

and bring in his new lover (that was quick)

for calf implants

hahahahaha

Barbie to Sean “I love your Malibu beach house. Even if it could use a little color.”

10:24pmGnatalby

because like, the nipples that he wanted removed was the only commonality between a  man and a lady

clearly sean needs to make it bright pink

with a pink corvette parked outside

10:25pmDoostyn

yeah all that pink really worked out well with her last man…

10:25pmGnatalby

bwah good point

sad, I wanted julia and sean to get back together

10:27pmDoostyn

oh no, barbie is christian and kimber’s play thing apparently

sean went to bed with the hooker

that christian hired

out of apparent pity

ooooo the hooker’s blackmailing them in the next episode according to the previews

10:28pmGnatalby

didn’t kimber learn about threesomes when her relationship with jonathan kent/bo duke went south?

10:28pmDoostyn

god sean can’t even find a hooker to fuck that won’t destroy his life

he really should keep it in the pants for a while

you mean ram peters?

10:29pmGnatalby

yes I always forget that name and am always delighted

The Dumbing Down of Disability on Glee

“Hairography” was pretty typical of Glee for me– lots of awesomeness, like Quinn singing “Papa don’t preach,” no matter how inappropriate for baby-sitting that would actually be, and Kurt’s manipulative makeover and then some really heavy-handed embarrassing stuff.

I think this show has a real problem with the way it deals with disability. I didn’t write about it at the time because there are other people who wrote everything I wanted to say, and better. I realize that many people thought the episode “Wheels” was a step up for the show, but on the whole disability activists and writers disagree– and I see their point. Glee seems to view disability as inherently about clumsiness and tragedy and incompetence. When you live with a disability you become competent at your life. That’s why the wheelchair experiment is offensive: in real life it would just make Rachel think “Poor Artie! Always dropping food all over himself… his arms sure must hurt!”

Likewise this episode had the “hilarious” Glee coach from the school for the Deaf who HAHA doesn’t even know how Deaf he is. So what’s the message here? Deaf people are stupid? The fact the the only “real” singing had to come from the McKinley kids was patronizing. Why did the show treat sign language as if it’s equivalent to choreography when really it’s equivalent to talking? ASL *can* be used in choreography, but there’s more traditional dance involved as well.

It reminded me of the pathetic wheelchair choreography in “Wheels” which was basically “sweat ‘n push ‘n JAZZ HANDS!” Competitive wheelchair dancing is a real thing and it’s a lot more interesting than what Glee showed us.

Really, if you can’t do it right, PLEASE don’t do it.

It can’t be *that* hard to find people with real disabilities to act as advisers to the show, even Private Practice, a show I think is MUCH worse found a real wheelchair user to play their disabled character. Some professional and personal advice would help to avoid some ridiculous, embarrassing errors.

I really like Glee and I want it to succeed. I love that there’s a musical show on tv, I have an enormous crush on Puck and I love Kurt and Rachel’s rivalry. Last week doostyn made a list of things Glee has to lose in order to become the excellent show we both want it to be. To that I have to add: No more very special episodes about disability.

Underpants, Ejaculating!

Excerpts from this week’s Nip/Tuck.  Enjoy.

******

“You look like you’ve aged 10 years in the past month.” (Totally rude, totally unsolicited commentary from Sean and Julia’s lawyer, directed at Julia. It’s patently false, but a hilariously bitchy statement nonetheless.)

******

Julia reciting her ‘mantra’ while Sean injects her with Botox: “Whatever it takes!”

******

Sean to Julia after sex: “Well we had to get that out of the way sooner or later.  You’re not gonna get all weird on me now are you?”

******

“Oh really, you were thinking of me while you were masturbating into my granddaughter’s panties?”  Not only funny at pure face value as a line, but also hilares because Erica is clearly upset that her Italian stud Renaldo is not masturbating into her panties, and not at all disturbed by how gross and pedophile-y this behavior is nor displaying any kind of human inclination to protect her granddaughter.

******

Renaldo the (potential?) pederast to Erica: “My fantasy, it’s still in my head; your fantasy, it’s standing before you.  Who’s sick now, huh?”  (Um, what that does that even mean?  No one thinks boning a young dude when you’re an old lady is as sick as masturbating into a child’s panties dude.  Point not made.  Also, once you ejaculate all over a kid’s undies, the fantasy, it’s no longer safely in your head, it’s a gross physicality now.  The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.)

******

“I found him with her underpants ejaculating.”  There should be a comma in there but it’s funnier like this.  Ejaculating underpants!  Heeee.

******

Matt to prison rapist with whom he shares a special power top/bottom bitch relationship:  ”Do you want a Ho-Ho?  That always makes you feel better.”

Turkey Time

Oh man. Remember how I said Mrs. Shaw was not a well woman? Well, awesomely, she comes to town and decides to “scare” Michael but ends up shooting at him, and then she hands off the gun to Cooper, who intends to fly her back to Ohio and put her under psychiatric care.

But…. even weather is a schemer! It colludes with Mrs. Shaw to ground her plane in Chicago. And… somehow she ends up back in LA? I guess she took another plane, but I like to think she hitch-hiked. “What brought you out to LA, lady?”

“Murdering my ex-son-in-law. Why, do you have family out this way?”

My joy at Sam’s departure was premature.. she went back to MD and Billy followed her and proposed enthusiastically, yet annoyingly. But it’s sort of okay because Sam’s maid of honor is her art school friend Connie who is AMAZING. She has this creepy scrapbook full of pictures of herself and Sam, it rivals Dr. Horrible’s photo collection of Penny pictures. Sam’s all “It’s going to be a great wedding!”

And Connie Manson lamps: “Over my dead body!” which is such an on the nose soap opera thing to say. Nobody SAYS “over my dead body” any more than people say “Oh burrito!” Annoyingly, her scheming seems to consist of throwing herself at Billy which is nine kinds of repulsive. Billy’s success with the ladies is such a mystery to me. I mean, idiots like Allison and Sam, sure, but our cunning Amanda Woodward?

Anyway, Mrs. Shaw disguises herself in scrubs, breaks into the OR to stab Michael, Megan comes in to warn him and gets stabbed causing Mrs. Shaw to yell: “Just as well! You took my Kimberly I’ll take your whoooooore!”

Really, sentence structure matters. Mrs. Shaw is unwittingly, but slightly accurately implying that Kimberly is a whore. Really more of a pimp, I guess.

Amanda has to save her new ad agency by sleeping with her old boss, Eric Banes, and, weirdly, she has qualms. This isn’t the Amanda I know! Amanda slept with Billy for no other reason that mysterious non-specific advancement right after he gave his big Greed is Good speech. Whence this sudden conscience? I guess she looooves Kyle, but I can’t, for the life of me, fathom why.

In 6×10, the delightfully titled “My Little Coma Girl,” Amanda regains some of her moxie when she pulls a gun on Taylor who is there to gloat after Kyle caught Amanda circa flagrante delicto. She’s all: “I’m going to miss having him around here. You know he always made me feel so safe. I guess from now on I’m going to have to fend for myself. But luckily, before I met Kyle I took lessons. Filled out the registration forms because you never know when someone might break into your apartment or be a general nuisance…. I bought it a long time ago, I don’t even know if it works, but… I’m willing to give it a try.” And she takes the safety off and points it at Taylor and it’s AWESOME. “Get the HELL out of my apartment before I blow that smirk off your face. AND DON’T COME BACK!”

To compound things, Kyle pushes Taylor in the pool (that NEVER gets old!) and then creeps out all “I could soooo easily jump in there and hold your head under….” Dial it back!

Lexi spills the beans that Cooper fell for Kimberly when she was in her coma because he’s doing the saaame thing with Megan, including not let anyone else in the ICU (including Michael) and holding her hand and singing to her. It’s totes creepy, but everyone is acting like it’s just a nuisance! It’s so weird. Michael is like, “I don’t know, keeping that perv off my comatose wife will be a problem for my career… better just stay and have a drink and dessert!” I am barely paraphrasing that, by the way. CREEPY.

Cooper’s sputtering indignation is amazing: “Oh, is it WEIRD to be compassionate? About wanting to give LIFE back to a patient? WHAT?”

Yeah it IS weird if you think they NEEEEED your sperm. Christ, who needs that explained to them?

So Cooper sneaks back in and he’s all “I’m sorry.. I wanted to be here for you.. you know what? I’m sorry, no one’s been playing your favorite music for you…” and so he puts on Pachelbel’s Canon. Oh I’m SO sure a classic wedding processional is Megan’s favorite song. “I’m the one who knows what’s best for you…”

Disgustingly, this ends up waking Megan up. Gross.

Meanwhile, back in bland love, Billy’s mom offers her hideous brooch to Sam for her wedding day, but she turns it down, and Mrs. Billy’s mom is all “Allison always loved this brooch.” And Sam get’s all pissy about it. Pin on the damn brooch, you ingrate! Mrs. Campbell complains to Billy who has a big fight with Sam, and they end up getting hitched mid-fight. Awk.ward. Jennifer Mancini is like me, she’s all “Don’t make a scene, just go get married.” So they do. Lexi gets trashed and is grinding with everyone on the dance floor and it’s hilarious. She’s all tugging on dude’s ties, patting her weave, then she goes home with Peter and he’s all, you barely drank, why are you so fucked up? And she’s practically falling over all, “I guess I’m hiiiiiigh on youuuuu…” Yeah, or on the delightful combination of benzos and champagne.

Mrs. Campbell also gets trashed and is all, “You’d better keep your eye on him… You’re not the first love of his life. And you won’t be the last. How bout a toast: Here’s to my current daughter-in-law– may your marriage to Billy last longer than the first one. Or… am I not allowed to mention Brooke either? Just don’t wear your high heels around the pool.”

DAMN Mrs Campbell! Point and Match! THAT is how you give a toast!

This episode is also nominally a Thanksgiving episode, so everyone is making turkeys and yams between comas and weddings. Melrose is just like life that way.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Booze Tube! May your holiday be coma and scheme-free but still retain its alcohol and prescription pills. Or the reverse if that’s really what you’re into.

I need your sperm!

There are so many amazing classic Melrose moments that this whole blog could be about them. Sometimes I feel like the writers room is just a deck of cards with the male characters and deck of cards with the female characters and they draw one from each and get them together.

How else can you explain 6×03’s Kyle and Amanda and Taylor and Michael? The ostensible reason for the latter pairing is that Taylor needs to get pregnant to scheme Kyle back into their marriage (apparently she’s over Peter Burns, suddenly), and she needs it done now since she’s already told Kyle she’s pregnant. I guess she’s never heard of a paternity test? Pretty odd since Amanda keeps demanding one.

Anyway, Taylor corners Michael in his office and yells “I gotta get pregnant tonight… Have sex with me!… I neeeed your sperm!!” Because it’s Michael as soon as Taylor flashes some flesh and pouts those radiant lips at him he is overcome, as if against his will. By the end of the episode he succumbs a second time on the desk at work all the while moaning “No no nooooo.” Lips aside, Taylor is pretty tiny. If he really didn’t want to I’m fairly certain he could have gotten away.

6×04 continues this ridick storyline, with Michael at a medical conference and Megan turning up while he’s boning Taylor in the shower. But more importantly! It introduces a new character. I don’t remember mentioning yet that Matt’s apartment has been taken over by a scheming Dr. Cooper who wants to avenge Kimberly’s death, but there is more to the story! His exwife Lexi is introduced, and she looks and sounds a lot like Allison, but is MUCH more awesome. She’s a schemer and a pill popper and it turns out that Dr. Cooper fell in love with Kimberly when she was in her coma. That is some creepy Talk to Her shit, especially when he falls in love with Megan while she’s in a coma. I guess he’s lucky he’s a doctor, or this would be a very difficult fetish to maintain.

Apparently Cooper is friends with Kimberly’s mom. Let’s just say… the nut does not fall far from the nut. This woman is carrying quite a grudge, and she has like 9000 headshots of Kimberly around her living room. It seems a bit over the top.

And the best thing about this episode? Sam proposes to Billy… and he says NO!!! And then she leaves him! Christmas came early this year!

And then he’ll be crying into my shoulder pads…

Glee is infuriating.  I want to like it so much , and it tries really hard, it reeeeaally does.  Maybe it, like its theatrical assemblage of characters, can come on too strong and therefore be rendered unattractive.  Maybe it’s like how I feel about meeting my high school self, which I’m pretty sure would be sorta cringe-y.   Oh but I bet high school me would love Glee without abandon.

It does have occasional flashes of brilliance (Kurt’s “Single Ladies” punt routine coupled with touching storyline about his dad, Rachel singing anything, also Kurt doing pretty much anything) and I feel like the necessary ingredients for an amazing show exist, but it’s just not quite coming into its own, and this early stage is a critical period for a tv show.  The foundations are being laid, and it can get really bad from here.  Which is why: no more fake pregnancy storyline please (although the actual teen one with the ever more likable Quinn and dopefuck boyfriend Finn, who sang to a sonogram this episode while I shat myself, is bearable), and also no more Mr. Schuster until he becomes less of a total jackoff weenie dickbrain — same goes for his lame scrawny porcelain doll love interest counselor and their will they or won’t they blahfest.

On last week’s, which I’m just now watching, it at least leaned more toward brilliant for the first time in what seems like a long time.  Last week I mostly remember the plot that resulted in wheelchair dancing to the “roooolling, roooolling, rooooolling on the river…” part of “Proud Mary” and teens learning a valuable lesson about diversity and struggle and sticking together and me throwing up in my mouth a little bit, but then this week Rachel, who as previously stated, is amazing, gets a crush on Mr. Schuster (gross, right, but remember who your stupid high school self had crushes on…some of them were totes gross, be honest) and sings the song of the very name of her diseeeease from the late 90s called “Crush” (my stupid high school self liked this song…turns out I’m still moved to the native rhythms of pop music that my people have been crafting and celebrating proudly for generations, current self also likes it) hilariously to a freaked out Mr. Schuster in his car, and before than there was sonogram singing (“I’ll Stand by You” by The Pretenders…heeeeeeee), and before that Kurt was discussing his plan to seduce Finn and was all “…and then he’ll be crying into my shoulder pads” which is funny because it’s true, Finn tends to get weepy and Kurt wears things that must contain shoulder pads, oh and then Finn sings “You’re Having My Baby” (interwebs tell me Paul Anka wrote and sang, in duet with someone I don’t know, this cheezy 70s jewel) to Quinn at a veeeery stupid, inopportune time (dinner with Quinn’s ‘rents, who love Glenn Beck, might not take the news so well dumbass).  Also the series had a rare moment of dramatic umph when Quinn delivered a kind of devastating speech to her parents about her pregnancy, and the actress who plays her, Dianna Argon, actually had me believing this was a real person and what she said was meaningful and sad, which is just something Glee usually doesn’t get entirely right when it tries.

Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch, so we already know worlds ahead of the others in comic consistency) wasn’t part of this, and this bodes even better for this episode’s standing, because I still liked it.  The show needs to figure out how to integrate her character better, because she is starting to get stale and not grow with the others and becoming a little one-note, and I don’t want to see that happen to Sue, because she’s great and so is Jane Lynch and they, character and actress, deserve better.

Ugh the show did get pretty cheeseball bad at the end when they sang “Lean on Me” to Quinn and Finn — but Quinn and Puck made sex eyes at each other and I love this love triangle so much more than any other featured on the show, and Kurt made phone fingers and batted his eyes at Finn, so it wasn’t all a travesty.  I just know you can do it again in upcoming episodes Glee!  I outgrew my awkwardness (nod in agreement) and you can too!  I believe in you!  Now put on some pimple cream and let it bake under those floodlights!