Infomercials: Magic Bullets, Purifiers, Corsets

The other night, when pulling an all-nighter, I was lucky enough to have doostyn to entertain me, aren’t you jealous? You should be. What follows is a twice boozed booze tube. He was drunk when we wrote this and I was drunk when writing it up.

doostyn: I have entered infomercial land.
I haven’t been up this late on a weekday in a long time, I’m so crazy!
gnatalby: Hopefully, you’ll run across the sobakawa sleep secret, the greatest infomercial ever!
doostyn: Why I feel 26 again! Sobakawa whaaaaaaaaaaa?
gnatalby: It’s a pillow filled with buckwheat hulls, the infomercial is great: he tries to light it on fire with a flame thrower, but it won’t go up in flames; he picks it up with a dustbuster– it’s very light yet when he places a carton of eggs under it a drops a bowling ball on it the eggs don’t break! This is the pillow you need if wile e. coyote is trying to kill you with anvils and flame, but if you still can’t have a heavy pillow.
doostyn: Oh i think i found the one for me: the NuWave oven. I love the cooking products infomercials, the Magic Bullet (yes named like a vibrator) is my fav.
gnatalby: hahahaha, what is that?
doostyn: it features an array of neighborhood stereotypes coming over to enjoy the newfangled gadget this “couple” has. One is the old drunk lady, or wait, the old cranky lady and the “party animal drunk,” they switch it up. The second one has an old drunk lady but classic magic bullet features the old cranky lady and party animal middle aged man drunk who keeps asking “Can you put booze in that?” It’s a small blender/processor that does maaaaaaaagic things like makes guacamole….in a flash Basically it’s a tiny high speed food processor.
gnatalby: booze guacamole?
doostyn: no.
gnatalby: well then what’s the point!
doostyn: when they make smoothies and other drinks booze is optional! So there IS a point, also you can make a delicious alfredo sauce by simply putting cream, parmesan, and other spices in the magic bullet and pressing it down just 5 quick times! Then like heating it and shit and like making pasta and it’s AMAZING! According to these testimonials by REAL PEOPLE! They are actually human, I’m pretty sure. Oh shit! Something called the Bullet Express!
gnatalby: Whoa, how could it get MORE convenient?
doostyn: This is from the same people who said: “We all love apple pie…” yes infomercial
tell me mooooore!
gnatalby: Are you tired of the backbreaking labor of pressing down 5 times with the magic bullet original? Give those fingers a rest with the magic bullet express!
doostyn: (I believe the lady fun time product was first.) Apparently, it’s just…bigger so it’s just a food processor, but….fast. My god! It’s mixing ingredients for bread dough, but it can also do pizza AND pie dough! Sooooooold!
gnatalby: so many kinds of dough!
doostyn: and a free juicer! Omg ALL NEW CHARACTERS! This is like a new season of my favorite show has started! This seems to be a two person operation, this making of a pizza. Ooo the nachos are out! Psh, Aunt Martha thinks it takes 30 minutes to make potatoes au gratin but with two people, one holding the dish.
gnatalby: jeez, you sure it’s not grandma martha, get with the times lady!
doostyn: One is putting (already cut) shit in the processor: it takes all of…. still going… 30 seconds? Perhaps we should rewind the clock and count in all that previous cutting…
gnatalby: When will they come out with a food processor that goes out to the field to get the veggies and then chops them up and puts them inside itself?
doostyn: Damn they’re making a lot of food, lucky neighbors. Oh lazy fat Ralph, sitting in the recliner… staring out the window? What is he doing over there? Oh! They tricked Ralph! Ralphie boy! (As they just maliciously called him.)
gnatalby: gosh.
doostyn: “Cheesecake is my favorite!” -Skinny Polyester Blond Extension-ed Beeetch
gnatalby: mmmmmmm, mine too SPBEB
doostyn: Aunt Martha sucks. Grannie almost cursed! Um, SPBEB just gave a heej to goatee, I’m pretty sure. She may have been vigorously rubbing his thigh, but we could not see the hand. Wow aunt martha wasted her life making pies that took like all day.
gnatalby: Hahaha. She could have been the girl president or, alternately, dancing in the video next to fiddy cent.
doostyn: Everyone weirdly expects the food to be bad.
gnatalby: Amateurs. Food is nearly always amazing.
doostyn: Oh shit! The bullet express TURNS INTO the bullet juicer!
gnatalby: Wow– why would you EVER get the normal bullet??
doostyn: So the difference seems to be that the bullet express lets food go directly into the plate, or dish rather, so you don’t have to dump processed food into the dish. That doesn’t seem to be a problem that really needed fixing. I’m disenchanted.
gnatalby: clearly you have not thought about the wrist strain of dumping the food repetitively like that. You could get carpal tunnel syndrome.
doostyn: hahaha, their starting price in the countdown of what you “won’t pay!” is $1000.
gnatalby: hahaha, that would be a pretty fucking fancy food processor.
doostyn: wow $120– after thinking i might have to pay $1000 I’m like, pretty sure I’d be making money by buying this, since I could sell it back to some sucker for maybe even $5000 if I got it signed by Ralph himself! Can you do a good Ralph signature?
gnatalby: Hahaha, I’ll just sign “Fat n Lazy!” Who can tell the difference– I’ll put a cheeto fingerprint next to it.
doostyn: yes dooooooooo it. Ralph says: “Why didn’t you ever tell me healthy tasted so good?” Grannie: “You never asked!” I’m disturbed by where they’re taking my favorite character
gnatalby: I don’t even know what to say about that.
doostyn: I should probably write to the producers.
gnatalby: what was ralphie supposed to ask? “Grandma– how good does healthy taste?”
doostyn: “Does healthy taste like graaaavy?”
gnatalby: “More like bacon, dear.”
doostyn: I don’t even think it’s his grandmother… Granny is just….the neighborhood old lady? But older than aunt martha, who is the neighborhood cunt burger, or possibly related to the v excitable british man and his equally excitable wife.
gnatalby: ha. Oh the british, so amusing.
doostyn: srsly “Yoshi” blade… i just saw something that magically cuts shit up right into the dish. So old school.
gnatalby: now they just need a device to go pick the veggies and we’re golden.
doostyn: Robot farmer bullet blade that sexxxes but isn’t creepy like that pillow that breathes is the prototype name.
doostyn: whoa! Just found the spanish language version of the bullet express infomercial!
gnatalby: nice. Is it the same actors and dubbed? or a whole different cast and crew?
doostyn: It’s dubbed. Wow granny gets so pissed at the beginning. It really comes across better in a fiery latina voice.
gnatalby: hehe
doostyn: oooo second fav type of informercial: cleaning! Hm. Air purifier. I don’t know how dramatic and enthusiastic the demonstrations can get on this.
gnatalby: I think you’re about to find out
doostyn: wow, .1 micron. That’s tiny. That’s how little the particles will be at the….2nd step? of the 6 step process.
gnatalby: I feel like the jews on passover with the song diyenu. “It would have been enough.” For me, .1 micron would be enough, I don’t need 4 more steps.
doostyn: I know I lost interest after that. You lost me air purifier
with your complicated ways. Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? Life’s like this i suppose.
gnatalby: no forceps on the ground…
doostyn: Bra! Or wait, even better, body shaper! Hahahaha. The bad body shaper just rolled out of this girl’s ass when she sat down.
gnatalby: rolled… out of it?
doostyn: well it came out of her butt…
gnatalby: how was it IN it?
doostyn: sorry, it’s had to explain. I keep making it sound like she was being sodomized by the bad body shaper; she sat down and it popped out of the top of her pants, I guess is a better way to say it, but like it was a total ass shot. So hawt.
gnatalby: Haha got it.
doostyn: it makes the roll disappear! Her skinny jeans fit! Um… they made her go from looking like one type of lumpy vegetable to a differently shaped lumpy vegetable.
gnatalby: perhaps it’s wearing skinny jeans that’s the problem in the first place.
doostyn: these body shapers are so funny to me b/c how does no one get that you can’t make it go away, you just make it look differently so why not be comfortable? Did you know that those days of having to zip up your dress and laying down to button up your pants are over? The first is confusing…..do we just not zip them now?
gnatalby: I just wear sweatpants now. No zippers or buttons here! I WIN AGAIN fashion industry!
doostyn: sweatpants? Like…out of doors?
gnatalby: I don’t really.
doostyn: oh good i was legit concerned for a moment.
gnatalby: just joshing you!
doostyn: a ‘mo-ment if you will, of sheer PANIC! Thought i might have to talk you down from the ledge. Muumuus after 40– ok 30– is one thing, sweatpants at any time, faaaaar different.
gnatalby: when I’m 40 I’ll be naked all the time.
doostyn: well i mean outside, in public.
gnatalby: Well I’ll be on the commune.
doostyn: oh right
gnatalby: Except I guess when we go on missions against the patriarchy.
doostyn: you should def go naked to those. And damn their man god. Ok i should def go to bed now. Down to less than 6 hrs of sleep.
gnatalby: I should go buy wine and go home and starting DRINKING IT awwwwww yeah.
doostyn: yes! But make a commitment! to get through it! and don’t pass out too early. I’m such a great friend.
gnatalby: well me too, keeping you up all night to narrate infomercials to me. You’re going to want to die tomorrow.
doostyn: I serenaded you through your roughest times with those things you love– takes on tv that you can’t watch.
gnatalby: Night, Ralphie.

Dynasty Week!

Apparently it was Dynasty week on tv. Both FlashForward and Ugly Betty featured girl-fights in ponds. Only the second one was going for campy, but the first one still made me laugh a lot. Also, it was more evil in a threat to national security.

Ugly Betty also wins my love because while gay teens are having a moment, they are also having a kind of eunuch moment what with Eric from Gossip Girl being the castrated queer, and Marshall from US of Tara becoming sexually active…. with a lady. Gross.

Justin stands alone, as far as I can tell, as a teen gay in an actual sexual relationship with another gay teen. I love it! They dance and kiss! Where people can see them! Cuteness!

This is what I’ll miss about Ugly Betty. It has been very progressive— with a huge cast of color, a relatively awesome handing of a trans character, and gay people across the spectrum as “just like us straights!” and building their own versions of what love means, which doesn’t always follow the hetero monogamous version of love.

In some sort of glorious last hurrah it’s become amazing again. Earlier this season I wouldn’t have thought I’d care that it was going, but it’s clear that the writers still have some oomph in them. So the only question remaining is… why didn’t they pull it out sooner?

The only big quibble I have is that they seem to be forcing a Daniel and Betty love storyline into the end, when it seems from so many seasons, that they’re better of as friends. Yes, it’s true! Straight mixed gender couples can be friends! Breaking boozetube news! Anyway, I hope that when Hilda was chatting about love and Daniel shot a significant look at Betty it was a look of friendship! And I hope that when Daniel and Betty were dancing and talking about how right everything felt they were talking about friendship! I don’t ask a lot of things but please, please show, you’re so good at breaking stereotypes, please don’t be the one millionth show to deny what I know is true– men and women can have very fulfilling friendships, and love may not be their ultimate expression.

Stuart Little and the Big Bag of Pills

Hey there, Upper East Schemers!

Gossip Girl is increasingly becoming the story of a big bag of pills, I think it’s gotten more screen time and gone to more parties in the last four episodes than Nate, allegedly a star of this fine soap. It’s possible the BBoP is now down the gullets of several models (although really, what goes down a model’s throat must come up) and, unintentionally, J. Humph, because crazypants Agnes is back and bitchier than ever. Her scheme starts out slightly unclear as she makes up with Jenny but then she finds out about Damien in one of those conversations that would sound completely reasonable if you were 15, but when you’re an old like me sort of give you a heart attack:

Jenny: I was dating this guy named Damien, and he was a lot of things… one of them being a dealer.
Agnes: The Sid to your Nancy! That’s awesome!

Oh honey, in faaaaaashun, it’s good to know a dealer, it’s not good to DATE a dealer.

Anyway, this whole “pop-up fashion show” (is that even a thing?) is for Eleanor to pitch to fictional Wal-Mart, which is kind of horrifying. Don’t cheapen your brand, Waldorf! The head of the company is initially put off by Blair’s prostitute friends, but one of the rent-boys clarifies that Mr. Walmart uses a wide stance, so Blair blackmails him, but for naught, since Eleanor comes around to my side and won’t keep her name off her deeee-zines.

So the eeeeeeevil models take the opportunity of a congratulatory toast to slip Jenny three… mystery drugs (unspecified). While she weaves around all blurry and passy-outty (medical term) Agnes decides the capper to the evening will be delivering Jenny to a bachelor party so the groom-to-be can rape her.

This show is so rapey. Nate sees the girls pouring Jenny into a cab and rides off to her rescue and Jenny remembers that she’s totally in love with him. She comes down amazingly quickly heads home to look at pictures of Nate and feel sad, but it seems she’s sad that he’s with Serena not say, terrified that she was drugged and nearly raped. Priorities! Anyway, Eleanor gives her a job, so I guess we’re back to Jenny the fashion designer.

But even more horrifying than the attempted raping… the DJ at the fashion show is wearing the scariest plush mouse head! I can’t even express how disturbing I found this. I said aloud: “Am I dreaming?” And doostyn was all, “Did Eleanor take some PCP from Jenny’s clutch?”

Say no to drugs, kids!

I think that would be just about the most terrifying thing you could see while fucked up.

Some other things happen, like Chuck’s mom was also scheming him, but was his mom after all. This plot was such a dull waste, and although Blair talked a big game all “If it’s WAR Jack wants, it’s WAR he’ll get!” I remember how boring it was last time Blair said that about teacher in Dan’s hot-for-teacher arc.

Blair is forced to admit she has no friends and Serena is being a total asshole about it all, “Blair, can’t you just tell your mom you don’t have friends at NYU?”

Um, no, no one wants to say that, ever. Have a little empathy, Blondie. Also, that entire situation is completely implausible since Blair is beautiful and cunning and, it turns out, the entourage she so richly deserves is at Columbia. Good, Blair shouldn’t have to go to a school Vanessa attends.

Happy Spring/Matzah/Freedom/Passover Holiday!

Happy Passover to the unleavened among us! A totally legitimate excuse to drink at least four glasses of wine and watch tv while snacking on matzah and charoset, mmmmmm. Go ahead, pour some cabernet for the homies who didn’t make it out of slavery and join me in a glass!

Holding up the ‘tube side of the equation is today’s viewing choice, the season three Roswell episode “I Married An Alien” in which Isabel has an extended fantasy of her married life based on Samantha and Darren’s in Bewitched. (BTW, superficial similarities abound between Bewitched and Mad Men if you care to see them, which I do, because Samantha is awesome and I’m the one viewer on earth who still likes Betty Draper.)

In fantasy land Isabel makes effortless magic French Toast, while in “real life” she burns the crap out of it and fails to strain the seeds out of her fresh squeezed OJ. Her husband, Jesse, looks bemused and frustrated as she pours syrup over his toast. (Side note: Who does that? Everyone likes a different amount of syrup!)

It got me thinking about something my Grandsire used to say, which is that you should always live with someone before you marry them. His supporting anecdote was that when they first married my Grandmother insisted on making a full breakfast when all he wanted was some fruit, leading to arguments which never would have happened if they’d lived together before. Now on the one hand, this makes no sense, since they probably would have just fought about it while living together, and on the other hand, there’s always the option of fixing your own fucking breakfast! It’s revolutionary yet true! And while it makes sense that that might not have been done in the ’50s, it makes no sense that he told me this story unironically in the ’90s.

So to Jesse and all other tv husbands: fix your own food! You really shouldn’t be allowed to run the whole world if you can’t get a handle on feeding yourself.

Making Love to the Pooch

I am happy to report that Parks and Recreation has reclaimed its rightful place as foremost in my affections with this week’s episode. When this show began it seemed like Leslie was just going to be lady Michael Scott, but thankfully that has not turned out to be the case. Leslie and Michael both love their jobs an unreasonable amount, but Leslie is actually competent. Even though it didn’t work out, Leslie’s concept for the Parks Department magazine was sound, she just counted on people who turned out to be hateful cynics (and Ron, who is a cynic, but not particularly hateful).

The open was really funny: Tom borrows Ron’s coonskin cap for the purpose of peacocking and just succeeds in scaring the ladies off with lines like “Daaaaaamn girl, your hotness killed my raccoon!” He probably should have tried Donna’s contribution: “Yes I am a hunter– and it’s you season.”

The A plot is Leslie’s attempt to put together the summer Parks catalog, which she compares to Vogue’s September Issue. In an odd coincidence, I had just watched The September Issue mere hours before P&R. It definitely troubled my mind-grapes, since I am obviously in favor of smart women in positions of power and I really don’t think every woman has a responsibility to be warm just because men feel more comfortable imagining everyone woman is their mom but DAMN does Anna Wintour go to the other extreme. I kind of wanted to curl up and die when she told the photographer he’d better hit the gym. He’s a photographer! As Grace Coddington said: “Not everyone has to be perfect, it’s enough that the models are perfect.”

Leslie has some sexists of her own to deal with, notably former Parks Director James Watson. (Okay, that’s not really his name, but I am still, and always will be, pissed at James Watson for being a grade A douchebag to Rosalind Franklin.) James Watson tells Leslie that back in his day women weren’t allowed to teach and she’s all “Really? I thought there were women teachers way before then.” And he’s all “Not in my department. Women need a lot of blood to flow through to their baby centers which leaves less for the brain. I’d stay away from leadership roles for your own safety.” Then he’s all, “You really shouldn’t be leading us, if you’re menstruating you could attract bears.”

Holy God. My favorite thing about this show is that it’s overtly feminist in a way that’s just a premise of the show, it reminds me of Donna on That 70s Show in a way. Leslie has to deal with sexist assholes at work ALL the time, and it bugs her, but she just keeps doing her job and kicking butt. We don’t have to learn a little lesson about how these guys aren’t really sexist or sometimes ladies really are bad at their jobs (for an offender on this front, Grey’s Anatomy).

Ron’s immediate predecessor was apparently afflicted with reefer madness, and was a savant of bongs, once crafting one out of a taxidermied raccoon (Ron’s hat?). He makes good (and funny) points when Ron brings up his smoking at work: “In fairness to me, it was a different time, it was the early nineties. But also it’s ridiculous that marijuana is illegal. Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Alcohol is legal and pot isn’t? That makes sense to you, Ron?”
Ron: I’m sorry, I don’t hear hippies.

Director Stoner suggests everyone smoke another j and calm down, but the person with the real solution is April who photoshops a spread with the directors all– well there’s no delicate phrasing (except “going to Bologna,” but that’s only comprehensible to people who, god bless us every one, watch SLAT)– blowing each other. “What, look how generous they’re being with each other!”

April and Andy almost make progress in their cute crush when April offers to help Andy write the song “Life is a Picnic With You,” but when April is carded at the bar it seems to make Andy think (hard to believe, but true!) about how young she really is, so that might be on hold.

Anne and Mark’s relationship seems not long for this world with Tom’s photographs revealing Anne’s secret unhappiness or, as Tom puts it “sad wife”-ness.

Tom: What are we doing, Maxim or Good Housekeeping?
Anne: I’m not sure which one is the insult….
Tom: Hey, if there’s anyone out there that wants to do a photo shoot on the dangers of eating undercooked chicken I can give you Anne’s phone number.

I don’t really know why they’re ending that relationship, although I mostly don’t care, which I guess might be the problem. I love Anne and Leslie’s friendship, but they need to do a better job of integrating Anne into the show since she seems to show up at the department for increasingly contrived reasons week after week. Although I love most of the direction of the show I do kind of miss the clarity of purpose in the first season: a department of people and concerned citizens working hard to get a pit filled in.

The episode ends sweetly with Ron and Leslie getting breakfast-for-dinner at a diner and promising they won’t start to hate one another. Leslie admits that despite her efforts, things did not go as planned in the greatest line in the history of ever: “Oh Ron, I really made love to the pooch on this one.”

That Friendship Does Sound Toxic

“What makes you think that I would ever be friend with you? I mean Look at what you have done to me: I mean you’ve stolen my chief of staff job twice ; you’ve drugged me, you’ve cheated me, you’ve betrayed me, you almost had me committed to an institution because of rage epilepsy attacks that you created– I mean how much do you think a guy can take?”

The incomparable Peter Burns to Michael Mancini in the season six finale. I love when characters recap the craziness of this show. Also rage epilepsy makes me think of Summer from the OC and her rage blackouts.

“I’m on my way to the Caribbean right now and I’m this close to landing one hell of a cash cow. I don’t care if it’s a mixed metaphor it’s money!” –Amanda’s sleazy boyfriend/fiance Rory. Rory is rarely a good name for a dude. Oh course she met him through Lexi, it’s all so east coast country club, except he’s a con artist, obviously. His proposal is pretty great: “You and I are two of kind: you love money, so do I; you hate people, so do I.”

Forget it Amanda, I’m going to marry him.

Gay Kisses

I had planned the night running my drunken review of Parks and Recreation, a show I adore, that sadly gave itself over to fatphobia this week, but in the end Ugly Betty caught my attention with the following dialogue:

Justin: Our first kiss is going to be onstage… what if it’s like… bad?
Mark: Well you’re in a good place. You actually like this girl you have to kiss, so just let your feelings take over. You won’t be bad. If you kiss someone with feeling they know it and you know it.

And this was pretty much the story of my first kiss. It’s embarrassing, but I wasn’t as young as Justin when this scenario raised its head: I was sixteen, and the boy I was kissing in my play was hot beyond measure, but he was also my good friend’s boyfriend, so we never rehearsed the kiss, we would just hug in its place in rehearsal as M. (my friend) was generally looking on.

When the time came on opening night A. (the lead actor) tilted my chin up with his hand and I met his mouth with mine. Moments later, the actress playing his girlfriend was supposed to throw a glass of water in our faces, startling us apart. No need for acting there, I really jumped as I was thinking, basically, “Omigod he’s pushing my hair back, Omigod, he’s lifting my chin, Omigod, his lips, Omigod, omigod!”

I’ve always thought it was a little strange to have my first kiss be in a performance (my first real kiss was with B. only about 3 weeks later) but I never really thought to connect it to the queer experience– even though there’s such an overrepresentation of gay men in theatre– I bet this is really common. A first kiss that feels like it really means something in a moment, the structure of which, insures that it doesn’t.

And then!!!!! Justin’s crush kisses him! The other boy in the play! It’s completely adorable and I died times a million, because if there was one outcome better than A kissing me like he meant it it was A kissing B like he meant it!

The SLAT Custody Battle is no Kramer vs. Kramer is All I’m Saying

Last week’s SLAT was excruciatingly dull. It was pretty much just people having conversations with one another.

This week’s was ludicrous, and wonderful.

Adrian captures line of the week early with the irrefutable: “When people have something in common, like a common hate, what you do you call those people? FRIENDS.”

But then Adrian also gets worst comment of the week (it’s like the EGOT of SLAT to get best and worst) by going all Rielle saying: “Amy, accept responsibility because if you had had sex with Ben I wouldn’t have been able to get him to have sex with me.”

Little known fact: men are like baby ducklings. Once they imprint on one lady’s shame-cave they can never have sex with anyone else EVER.

Ben's lucky he wasn't exposed an olden time animal behaviorist for his first.

In the running, from the same convo, was Amy telling Adrian she thought that she and Ben would be each others’ first time. The premise of the show you are on is that you got knocked up after a one nighter with some other dude while cashing in your v-chip, keep up Amy!

Jack told Madison he wouldn’t turn her in (for offering him a bejammer in exchange for favorable character witnessing for Amy) if she did it with him (although then he said he was kidding, but I think he was kidding in the Nelly way: unless you’re gonna do it.), to which doostyn says: “!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blackmail rape! In high school! This show is so two faced: like it can be juicier than Gossip Girl, but would never claim to be.”

The A-plot of the episode is that Amy and Ricky are finally going into mediation for their custody battle. It’s funny because normally when dudes whine about custody I’m like “Whatever dude, it’s the only thing in the patriarchy that actually benefits women, so go cry about it in your money bed and enjoy seeing only people with dicks on C-SPAN.” But I despise Amy so much that I’m forced to take Ricky’s part, even though he makes it hard for me by insisting on having custody of the child on a day he works all day and plans to leave him with his parents. It makes NO sense, therefore, that Amy can’t have John on Saturday, I don’t care how involved Ricky’s foster parents want to be.

My favorite moment was Amy’s Kimberley Shaw and her Glorious Alter Egos rage freakout on the bench after Ricky left. What was that about? Whenever Amy shows strong emotions I want to laugh. I’m so mean.

I find Grace’s romantic storyline troubling, since I don’t buy Ben as a romantic lead. And Grace is all “You should get custody of John too, since you were there for Amy all those months after she gave birth.” Yes, Grace, let’s give THE WHOLE TOWN custody of John. Everyone can have him for 5 minutes a day, problem solved!

Everyone makes character witnessing videos for Amy and then Ricky, and most of them are mired in high school issues, which I’m sure was like, so thrilling for the mediator. The greatest part about that was that Amy has a little epiphany and realizes she should let Ricky see John, and the mediator is like, “That’s nice, but it’s still my decision, not yours, and you are now legally required to let Ricky take John on the weekends.” FACED!

I can’t stand Ashley’s fug boyfriend, and, good news, she seems to have nothing but paper thinly veiled contempt for him. Still, condommania continues as Ashley is grilled about why, as the sister of a teenager with a baby, she keeps condoms. Apparently her icky boyfriend has had sex before and would like to do it with Ashley. Like everyone else on this show, they seem set to do it after Leo and Betty’s wedding. Because, as doostyn notes: “Nothing says let’s fuck like the origin of bed death. Besides, wedding sex isn’t something you plan, it just…happens.”

(Now you can fill in a wedding sex anecdote about either of us bloggers you deem appropriate. We’ll never confirm or deny.)

Dating never looks anything but excruciating on this show. If I were an alien learning about human culture from broadcasts of SLAT I’d think romance was a punishment for terrorists.

Doostyn says: It would be excruciating to date on that show. You’d have to gossip with your parents– and possibly other people’s parents– about every kiss and fondle, and the school counselor would call you in and you’d be like “Aaaagh what is blossom doing here” and then she’d say your date was a disaster of genocidal proportions so she’s making you go to the school dance with your great grandmother.”

And just to cement all the horror of the last hour, the show leaves us by suggesting that Adrian is pregnant. Noooooooooooo.

Or (doostyn again): “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Kill the evil spawn! I’m assuming it’s ben’s. I guess it could be Ricky’s, so might not be AS evil, either way, it’s wrong.
Me: No, apparently the condom broke with Ben.
doostyn: Ewwwwwwwwww
me: and Adrian’s late.
doostyn: Ben splooge: the only thing worse is a Ben baby.

(Note: welcome, influx of SLAT googlers querying “Who did Adrian have sex with after the mother-daughter dance” the answer, I hope you will be dismayed to learn, is Ben. EW. Also, I’m amazed as this implies that SLAT picks up new viewers every week, which is pretty discouraging. RuPaul’s Drag Race is on Mondays, people! Watch that!)

Overheard…

…on tonight’s Gossip Girl re: Jenny the pill pusher’s big bag of pills:

Lilly: “No, Rufusss, I did NOT know about a big bag of piiillsssss.”

Also, Dan is gross and should not wear tank tops.

That is all.

Walker Family Planning

A while back doostyn and I were talking about tv (quelle surprise!) as we noted that the Melrose Place apartment complex would be a perfect place from which to run a polygamous compound. Each sister-wife could have her own apartment and there would be that lovely pool to share, and besides, the residents of the ‘place sleep around so much that they might as well be in Juniper Creek.

It was a joke, but the season finale of Big Love was chock full of Melrosian plots.

JJ is extremely creepy, even for JJ. He’s keeping Adaleen in a drugged stupor after pumping her full of Wanda’s eggs so he can make “pure” (read: incest) Walker babies. Creeeeeeeeeeepy. But it makes even more sense that his creeeeeeeepy family referred to Adaleen last week as a “vessel” as opposed to a “mother.”

The best JJ part is when he’s telling one of the compound kids a story and it goes like this: “And after the end of days we’ll have our pick of all the beautiful homes. We’ll buy ’em for pennies on the dollar, drag out the dead bodies, and we get the house!”

Marilyn, the Amanda Woodward of Big Love, turns on the waterworks to manipulate Bill for reasons I can’t quite understand but am yet sure are AWESOME. For most of the episode Bill (and the viewers) think Marilyn leaked Bill’s knocked up “mistress” Ana, but it turns out it was Barb! (!!!!!) But that doesn’t stop Marilyn from taking advantage and passing the move off as her own glorious omnipotence. Oh Bill. When are you going to understand that literally every woman you know is smarter than you?

Nicki flips her shit and suggests they change the Bill-sharing arrangement before spilling that she loves Bill more than Margene and Barb and doesn’t want to share him. It’s shocking and amazing. It seems in the first season Nicki was the one least invested in Bill as a person (though closest to understanding the “principle) but now she’s the only one who seems to really want to be married to him, since Margene has confessed to Ana that she’s attracted to that creeper Goran (how gross was it when he slid his hand up her thigh in the citizenship interview last week? Eeeeeeeew) and Ana is basically all “I love him, and I love you, and it’s nice when we’re allllll together.” I just want to take Margene out for a decaf tea and tell her she deserves a man of her own.

Nicki is on fiyah this episode. When Ana comes to confront Bill about the Margene/Goran divorce and it comes out that Margene is lying to everyone Nicki bitches: “Myyyyyy what a tangled web, Margene.” So bitchy! And she’s all: “I never said I hated the baby! Just that the baby was a big mistake! And heavenly father got rid of Ana because he realized that particular spirit baby wasn’t meant for us.” I’m sure that will make the kid feel a lot better. “It’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that you’re a huuuuuuuuuuge mistake.” And then when she’s trying to figure Wanda out she’s like, “Do you know me? Is your name Wanda? Are you a zebra?” It’s awesome, except that poor, traumatized Wanda nods yes to everything. Poor, poor Wanda.

In other egg news, Margene offers her egg to Nicki for IVF but she’s totally disgusted and calls Margene a tramp, which is… pretty mean. I bet by the end of the episode she was looking at Margene’s egg as not the worst fertility suggestion she had all day. I love these women all so much, and it makes me sad that they can’t get along, even though that’s pretty much Bill and his gross patriarchal religion’s fault. But I guess I can’t see them being friends and hanging out if they weren’t all married to the same dude. That awkward convo draws to a close when Don’s son throws a brick through the window because he’s pissed that “our lives are effing ruined!” I love these swears. (Later Barb is all “I don’t want to hear your gee dee testimony.”)

Bill says he’s sorry, but I don’t believe him. Bill basically wants to do whatever he wants, and wants everyone to love him while he does it, which is just… not always possible. I love Don, he’s so sweet to Bill even though Bill effing ruined his life by making him take the fall for cooking the Home Plus books. Maybe Margene should marry Don. She’s not a lesbian, and we all know she has an enormous sex drive, so it would be an upgrade for him, but it looks like she’s leaving one polygamous household for a younger, hotter version (so like a dude, Marge).

So the tensest plot of the episode is when Betty Draper’s brother (and JJ’s son) calls to tell Nicki she’s pregnant, but it’s just so he can lure her to the compound. Wanda finds her voice in the nick of time to tell Bill that JJ has tricked Nicki. The whole implantation scene is horrifying. Nicki’s voice gets all slurry from the drugs Betty Draper’s brother has injected in her. JJ is all “I borrowed something from our daughter to help reunite our loving family.” Oh. my. God. He wants to shoot her up with Cara Lynn’s eggs. That’s just… so disgusting, I can’t even handle it. Albie won’t help Bill find Nicki at first because he’s not dealing well with the death of his beloved, Dale.

Adaleen saves the day, bashing JJ’s creepy wife over the head and escaping from her hospital bed and then confronting JJ about putting Wanda’s eggs in her. She stabs him with medical scissors, unshackles Nicki and they book just as Bill shows up. It’s fucking fantastic, and really well acted, but tell me that plot isn’t straight out of Melrose? Especially when Adaleen ties JJ and his creepy wife up and lights the building on fire.

Bill and Nicki make me cry a little when she cries in his arms that she just wanted to give him another baby and be a good wife because “that’s the way it is.” And he says, “That’s not the way it is with us.” Oh Bill. Just when I get fed up with you, you do something that reminds me that, given your upbringing, you’re a really good person, even if you still have some effed up beliefs.

Marilyn learns from the Flutes that Bill is a polygamist, they’re pissed because he turns them in for drug trafficking. (Sidebar: the first time the Henrickson’s referred to “the Flutes” I thought they were using a racist slang term for Native Americans not having noticed it’s their last name. Nice overreaction, self.) Marilyn tells Bill what we’re all thinking– his religion is a cover for fooling around.

Barb and Bill have a very emotional scene where she asks him why they’re coming out, because she’s always given her consent, but she doesn’t understand. Bill tells her it’s important that they show that polygamists aren’t perverts and con men. At her urging he tells her that stepping into the light is the way to redeem himself for all the horrible things he’s done this four seasons. And Barb breaks. my. heart. saying: “I want a different life, I think. I’ve needed you for twenty years. I don’t think I need you anymore.”

Nicki cuts her hair, severing her connection to the compound and the Walkers as Barb looks on, conflicted. She might not need Bill, but I think she genuinely loves him and her sister wives, but it’s still devastating when Bill wins the election, and announces he’s a polygamist introducing his wives. First Nicki, then Margene, and finally, Barb, “My first wife, my first love, Barbara Henrickson.” Barb hesitates, and then joins him onstage. The camera pulls back showing the four onstage, holding hands. The family is together, and gorgeous, but no one looks happy. Oh, Bill.