Studies in line reading with Professor Coolidge


First things first, sorry Booze Tube readers (is plural appropriate?  Probably not, you poor neglected blog and your non existent readership), couple trips and lots of no sleep for doostyn = not much posting.

Ok, so why then are you not watching Secret Life of the American Teenager? You, too, have things to be apologetic for Booze Tube readers (I assume anyone reading this is a friend of me or gnat, and I know from experience that any of my friends gape in horrific awe when I tell them I love this show).  There is not a better awesomely bad soap on now or maybe ever again, people, for reals!  So far this season we have Grace saying lines like “God killed my dad because I had awesome sex” (and she really thinks that!) and continued baffling morality lessons (characters in the first episode maintained Amy needs to take care of her own goddamn baby, but a couple episodes later her whole family is up at freak o’clock in the morning helping her because that’s the nice Christ-y family thing to do…I think they should stick with the former and cast Amy into an isolated hut with no product so her hair stops being so fucking shiny).  It’s hard to sum up this show’s message because of the many inconsistencies and the supposed hip, knowing, down wit’ da kidz brand of conservative values that fuel it, but here goes…I get from it that creator/executive prodcer Brenda Hampton is trying to say teen sex is:

1.)  Disastrous if you’re a perfect, bright, white teen girl (Amy-cursed with pregancy, Grace-killed Dad with evil power of awesome premarital sex)

2.) Expected if you are a teen boy or fiery latina (meet our reformed-at-times sluts:  Ricky, Jack, Adrienne)

3.) Impossible (castration? asexuality? similarities to door mats?) for Ben.

But let’s foreget that moralizing, because this show has a lesson that is much more clear and profound:  Jennifer Coolidge is a godsend for bad writers.  She can take a flat line (case in point, when trying to convince Ricky and Ben that she is a worldly court reporter and not a hooker, she says “I’ve been to Bologna.  There’s spaghetti EEEEEVERYWHEEERE.”) and  make it worth way more than the words on the page.  It’s called perfect delivery of every word that escapes your giant beauteous lips, and only some comediennes like myself and Ms. Coolidge have that gift (I don’t have the lips…yet).  But will Thor or God or whoever’s hammer come down hard for her engagement in the world’s oldest profession?  I hope not.  This show is immediately plausible and purposefully funny when she’s around, a needed break from the constant confusion and laughter at bad writing the audience endures.  I have faith in one higher power on this show, and that’s Ben’s dad, the all mighty sausage king.  (mmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmm….sorry can’t help myself when talking about phallic objects).  He must grant her forgiveness for her dalliances with men of lesser sausage proportions.



6 Responses to “Studies in line reading with Professor Coolidge”

  1. gnatalby Says:

    This episode was 100% golden. But… were you aware of this stereotype about Bologna? I certainly wasn’t!

  2. Doostyn Says:

    Yeah, that was (yet another) baffling thing. All the characters were on the same Bologna page, and I kept wondering if they were just stereotyping all of Italy…but they just kept saying Bologna, as in that city specifically. Wikipedia tells me there is a higher than usual ratio of women to men (I still don’t see this bit of demography as justification for Ben automatically getting laid), and confirms (I didn’t think they just made this up though) that it is home to the world’s oldest university. But there is nothing about it being known for immense slutitude, and it’s not like the writers of Wikipedia (anyone with interweb access) are above using unverifiable claims in encyclopedic entries. And why didn’t the show use a more recognizable Italian city as having a reputation for genitalia flying through the air unchecked? (Rome, Venice, Naples, somewhere in Tuscany…)

    The pictures do show, clearly, though, that the town is actually built entirely out of spaghetti.

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