Archive for June, 2009

Baby Boy Septiembre

June 21, 2009

The Scene: Six Feet Under. Frederico’s wife Vanessa is in labor with their second child.

Doctor: Have you picked out a name?
Vanessa: Augusto, after my father.

Umbilical cord free clean enough you could eat off it six month old is miraculously delivered.

Vanessa: He looks just like Julio!

Hold up. The Diazes named their two children Julio and Augusto? That’s like named your children One, Two, and Three, or A, B, and C.

Right back where we started from

June 21, 2009

I think I’ve met Mr. Right, and per usual with all-important life questions, the answer was in front of me the whole time.  His name is Seth Cohen, and we share a special relationship (I take turns drinking beer and drooling over his hotness, he amuses me with his neuroses and quips, we both adore Summer, me in a less boner-y way).

Last night I was working through the second season of The O.C. at a fast clip when I got to the awesome episode where the four main characters are trapped overnight in a mall (which reminded me of one of my favorite bad movies as a kid, Career Opportunities, with Jennifer Connelly and a dude stuck overnight in a Target, and also of a movie I never saw, Where the Heart Is, where Natalie Portman gives birth in a Wal-Mart…thankfully Marisa Cooper did not give birth to the whiny self-indulgent antichrist that is probably incubating in her womb).  This season the show has been even more self-referential than in the previous season, with characters reminding each other of ludicrous plot lines and barely keeping a straight face (I love when soaps do this, give their characters memories of their densely-packed-with-weirdness past selves).  The Valley, the tv program that exists only in the O.C.-verse and is pretty much the same show as The O.C., now has a reality show version of itself, just as The O.C. got with Real Housewives of Orange County.  And this whole episode is a revisit to the first season’s romantic plotlines involving the main four, since they are with different love interests for most of the season but suddenly back together (Seth and Summer) or suddenly single (Ryan, whose girlfriend has recently left town, and really Marisa since, as her mother rightfully points out, she’s only in a lesbian relationship to prove a bratty teenage point).

The magical moment Seth and I shared that sealed our eternal romantic fate:  The gang is trying to elude mall security, and in doing so set up a TV to play a DVD of The Valley inside of a tent to fool the security guards while they run to the safety of their car.  I proclaimed aloud “That was awesome!” only to be immediately met with Seth Cohen saying “That was awesome!”  I now consider us to be gay married.

Sports Talk

June 12, 2009

From Greek (or as our more correct Greek readers say, Grssk):

Gay dude explaining his relationship issues: You know how in baseball there’s a pitcher and a catcher?
Rusty:…….. yeah…
Gay dude: Well I didn’t. Not too much of a sports fan.

Can I just say HA! I’m so done with sports metaphors for sex.

Life is Cheap. People Die, and People Have Babies.

June 12, 2009

Hey, remember when Weeds was a fun show and didn’t make you want to kill yourself when the half hour was over? If you’re like me, the answer is… barely.

The first episode of the fifth season does nothing to reverse the downward trend of the past few seasons. Nancy cries a lot, Esteban makes a bleak rapey sounding threat that her job is to open her legs and prove she’s carrying a boy.

Quinn is fucked up beyond your wildest imaginings and literally threatens to have Celia chopped up for organs, and no one offers to pay ransom for Celia, which pissed me off. She’s my favorite character on Weeds, and like it or not, she’s your friend and colleague, Andy, Doug, Dean, Nancy. Suck it up and send the cash, none of you are people I want to hang out with anymore. Quinn also abuses her boyfriend. It’s just… not fun.

The last few moments seemed like they would be redeeming. Nancy is sitting at the mall sucking down some sort of iced beverage, and suddenly loud music comes on, and couple by couple various shoppers start dancing, musical theatre style. She asks the kid next to her why they’re doing it, and he says: “Because it’s fun!”

I felt my heart lighten, but when she turns around, Cesar, Esteban’s bodyguard is staring at her. So much for levity.

If I could quit shows, I would quit Weeds. It’s just no longer the show I fell in love with, back when Heylia and Conrad still existed. Now it’s just a fucking bleak half hour of trafficking in drugs and women, abuse, and misery. If I wanted that, I’d be reading the New York Times.

Patient Huge Tits?

June 9, 2009

“Well, look who’s back.”

My ears perked up at the dulcet tones in episode two, season three of Arrested Development (yes, it’s down to people like me that the show was ever cancelled. I knew I’d like it, but I put it off until it was too late.)

Imagine my surprise at being greeted by the beautemous crimson visage of one Coco Peru, star of boozetube favorite flick, Girls Will be Girls, as a wig store owner.

Coco: “Are you going to buy this time, or are you just curious?”

Tobias Funke: I suppose I’m buy curious. I have a big tv opportunity.

Coco: This is where all the big tvs come.

I guess things didn’t work out with Dr. Perfect and the big move after all. IMDB alerts me of something called Girls Will be Girls: Delivering Coco, Part I which promises that Coco’s mom needs her liver, but Evie wants it too. The only question is, why am I not watching that right now?

I’m gonna get what I want!

June 9, 2009

That’s what I’m going to do with my life.

I’ve been wallowing in the pity of the dearth of summer television, and mourning how empty my DVR has been (unless you count the old Tyras I’ve seen before and will watch again because Tyra NEVER AGES seriously, just believe her, she’l choke a bitch).

But tonight Kathy Griffin’s My Life on the D-List was back!  I’m not going to lie because I simply am unable on account of my perfect moral upbringing:  it was some funny business.  She spent most of the hour with Bette Midler, who was fantastic because she would say things like (following Kathy bragging about her two Emmys) “I’ve been nominated for two Oscars, I’m way more classy, oh, yes, I was ROOOOOOOOOBBED.”  But then she got all hoity-toity and lame to the brillionth degree when Kathy was all “So some of my immature guy friends want to know [this had to be a shield, she’s definitely not above immaturity, and that’s an asset] is ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ about farting?”  Bette was silent for a deadly moment and then just said “Next question.”  Oh come on, you used to perform in gay men’s bathouses Midler, you’re not above crassness!  Kathy ended the show by taking Bette Midler to a super trashy Vegas casino (and away from her fancy digs she’s got at the Ceaser while she lives there and performs her show and has dinner catered every night by her personal French chef) and fed her fried Twinkies and Oreos.  Then some drunks outside made Bette Midler sing “Happy Birthday” to them and a clearly unstable vagrant woman blocked the camera lens the whole time.  So good.

This oasis in the summer tv desert led me to some digging and here are the highlights of this summer’s offerings in my opinion (Gnatalby edit this post to include any of your own so it can be the official Booze Tube Summer TV Guide…our first list…we’re going places!):

June 10:  Something called Top Chef Masters which I assume involves past Top Chefs competing

June 14:  True Blood (Soooooooooooooooookie I’m a pile of aaaaaaaaaaashes but I looooooooooooooooooooove you.)

June 22:  Official Best TV Bet of the Summer:  Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Seriously dudes, this shit is not to be missed.  So bad that it’s so good and with so much baffling Christian moralizing juxtaposed with even more baffling teen sex!  Worship it like Jesus wants you to!

July 7:  Something ABC Family brings us called 10 Things I Hate About You which I can only assume is a series based on the actually decent (and probably underrated in many circles) teen flick.  This is not necessarily a safe tv bet since I know nothing about it, but trust the Booze Tubers to expose all its flaws and glories.

August 20:  Project Runway, but not totally resembling the reliably entertaining show we’ve grown accustomed to.  It’s gonna be on Lifetime now, so Heidi’s gonna have to either dodge all the rapists who will be competing this year or she’s gonna kidnap their babies or maybe she’ll have to learn the true meaning of Christmas…it’s a little nutty over there on the tv for ladies.  Ladies are kinda crazy.  Also it will be in L.A. because now that ANTM is back in New York a full-blown citywide turf war had be avoided and Hedi and Co. were forced to retreat.

Summer just got a little more brighter yet simulateously darker because new curtains might have to go up to block out that pesky sun.  TV is my man for all seasons.

When worlds collide

June 8, 2009

On the episode of 90210 classic that I watched last night Kelly mentioned watching Sex and the City.

First of all, I’m so sure St. Prude Kelly watches a show that once featured a red clown’s wig as a merkin. Second, I don’t think of these shows as existing in the same era at all. In episode fifteen of season ten, Donna asks David if they can stay in and watch the Sopranos.  Same problem! Even though 90210 ran for ten years, I tend to remember it as having a very early 90s feel, although now that I’m on season ten the music is what I think of as contemporary, even though it’s a decade old. I guess there’s a part of you that remains stuck in your high school years no matter how much time actually elapses.

Speaking of that extreme decade, Doostyn and I were talking earlier about how the new Melrose is probably going to suck all the joy out of the franchise, just like the new 90210, but worse than that, it’s starting before all of Melrose classic is out on DVD. (Currently they’re only up to half of season five.) How unfair! Since Sydney and Michael will be back I’m worried I’ll get spoiled for the events of the last two seasons. Thanks a lot tv.

Jumping the Shark

June 3, 2009

Many people date the demise of 90210 to Brenda Walsh’s departure, but with it came the awesomeness of Valerie Malone, so I must disagree. Others cite the end of college for the cast and the entree into the boredom of the real world. Again, I have to disagree.

I cite the decline of the show as the episode in which a Beverly Beat reader captures a leprechaun and holds the staff at gunpoint for money for his sick child.

That and Kelly’s secretly married (to a schizophrenic wife) boyfriend. Who knew the return of Dylan McKay could be so boring?

So Many Baby Daddies

June 1, 2009

The mainstay of the esteemed Maury show is the paternity test.  I think the breakdown of Maury’s programming works out to something like:  50% “Who’s the Baby Daddy?”, 40% “My Teenage Daughter is Out of Control!”, and 10% “Tranny or Not?”   (there might also need to be room for Freak Baby shows, like the one where a kid had Maple Syrup Urine Disease, which is a thing, see here.)

Lying on the couch just now, in a head cold daze, I was snapped into clear consciousness when I noticed guest Brandi had the words “2nd time on show” parenthetically attached to her on-screen name.  Seriously Brandi?  I realize it takes some lack of shame to show up on Maury at all, but to appear a second time after finding out the first time that the dude you yelled at on national television for lacking responsibility wan’t the particular dude of supposedly many that you had unprotected sex with in a relatively brief window of time…that borders on disconnection with reality.  This second time around, Brandi yelled at Dude #2 about the importance of taking responsibility (something Brandi thinks she knows a lot about, oddly), only to find out yet again that she was wrong.  Immediately after, Brandi began planning her third appearance on Maury.  A lot is better for women than a few decades ago, but for the flooziest of ladies DNA testing must be kind of a bummer, especially when it gets to the third test.

Also, I’m confused by another guest’s claim that “he has to be the baby daddy because he has super sperm.”  What is this, and how is it verified in a non-laboratory boudoir setting?

Oh, and there’s a lesbian couple who each brought on a separate possible baby daddy for the two kids they each had right before getting together.  When you’re caught in a sea of baby daddies (and super semen), I guess sometimes the only thing that can lift you out is a strong, lesbian lover’s hand.