Author Archive


March 16, 2010

…on tonight’s Gossip Girl re: Jenny the pill pusher’s big bag of pills:

Lilly: “No, Rufusss, I did NOT know about a big bag of piiillsssss.”

Also, Dan is gross and should not wear tank tops.

That is all.


The Biggest Love of All

February 10, 2010

Big Love get in my double vagina.  You is lookin’ somethin’ fierce and I want you inside me.

You are the best show on television.  Oh it’s a bold statement I know but just try to make me take it back. It’s out there now.  It’s on the table.  Deal with it.

All I wanna do is make love to you (by which I mean of course pick you up on the side of the road on a rainy night, have you shoot jets of your virile juices all up in the biznatch, write you a cheesy poem about flowers and seeds and gardens and trees before leaving you in the middle of the night, meet up with you years later, have you recognize the face of YOUR OWN CHILD and then explain how I actually love some other dude but other dude’s sperm count was really low and I needed a baby really badly.  My own little pregnancy pact.  Is that too much to ask?).

[Confused?  Pay very close attention to the lyrics, and all around awesomeness, of this seminal, or perhaps semenal, zing!, anthem]:

I want all of you to be my collective lover.  That’s right, multiple lovers, polygamy, polyamory, sluttiness, call it what you will, it’s my choice and I choose my choice.

Margene you have such bang-fusing-with-side-of-hair-into-frightening-ball-of-crazy-on-side-of-head issues, but you know who you are and you make no apologies. You’re all (to your fellow sister wives): “So what, I need lots of sex because I have a giant sex drive, soooooorryyy if I want to fuck one of our sons.” Not exactly word for word, and yeah, there’s some ick factor (lots actually) but sometimes you gotta just tell it like it is.

Nicki, you have a teenage daughter and you rock so hard at the having of one.  Remember when you brought her to D.C. and were calling random passers-by sluts, but also trying to broaden your daughter’s horizons a bit, let her bun down a little, and then she told the security guards you had a gun in your purse and things got a little nutty?  I do.  I have it on video.

Barb, precious, sweet, “the sugar has hit the fan!” Barb.  What can I not say?  Your tears are my fears, because gurrrl when the water works are on I get weak.  Tearing up because daughter Sarah is running away (in a different dress than your admittedly plain and boring but SPECIAL wedding gown that you wore to your own wedding back when it was just 1 + 1 = still Mormon weird but not 3 wives weird) to get married at the Justice of the Peace, which is so not celestial.  Yeah, that worked on my heart strings.  Sweat it out in that lodge honey, and snatch yourself some hot Native American ass when Mormon Jesus isn’t looking.

Oh Bill.  Misogynist.  Polygamist.  Sexing with the nurse while your wife has cancer then pretty much forcing her to sign on to this “principle” of yours that means lots of B.J.s from different mouths for you and lots of B.S. from all directions for your ladies.  You’re invited too.  I felt for you this last episode, having hotheadly exiled your son, realizing your mistake too late, revealing a law-breaking past, speechifying about tolerance for those with different beliefs than ourselves for the sake of humanity.  You have my sympathy.  Quick get in on this love before I find you skin-crawling again.

Okay now that we’re all comfortably in my double vagina, tell me: We get a fucking planet to rule over when we die?  Awesome, tater totes in on that shit!

Guidos, Guidettes, and a tub o’ hair gel

January 9, 2010

So I’ve decided to get on yet another pop culture bandwagon and have started watching MTV’s unbelievably trashy and expectedly entertaining Jersey Shore. A list of three of the characters and their best moments thus far (I’m on episode 3 currently, so a character for each episode):

Nicole a.k.a. Snooki:  The craziest of the guidettes, Snooki has a ridiculous poofy dog kinda hairdo and is the most fake tanned of all.  She gets shitfaced the first night in the house and gets in the jacuzzi in her bra and thong, leading to a fantastic line by another housemate (Angelina I believe): “Why wouldn’t you put a bikini thong on, that’s more classier (sp).”   Awwwwesome.  Snooki also likes to eat pickles and has a specific regiment while doing so.  Snooki cannot understand why the boys of the Shore house like to watch her eat pickles she tells us in voice over, but then we learn why: her regimen involves sucking all the juice out of the pickle lusciously before eating it.  She’s sucking off the pickle in a fairly literal way.

Mike a.k.a The Situation: The Situation is called that because of the goings-on under his shirt that he calls The Situation and define him as a person.  He has very defined abs and, like all the boys, is gross.  He is perhaps the cockiest of all the boys.  He is a proud guido who believes in the guido tradition of “hair cut day of” (not sure day of what, so I took it to mean haircut everyday, which seems to not be cost effective when your hair is that short), and putting a shirt on right before you walk out the door to maintain ultimate freshness of said shirt.  What’s the point Sitch, when you’re just going to take it off at the club anyway?

Jenni a.k.a J-Woww: Jenni so far is my favorite on the show, probably just for her opening credits line of “I will hook up with boys and then rip their heads off when I’m done with them.”  Neat!  Her hair is quite a show stopper, all jet black except for the bleach blond tips.  She also wears tops out of an 80s Bon Jovi concert, all torn up in the back.  My favorite line of the show so far is when she darts out of the club earlier than the rest of the house.  Her justification for her early departure: “I left the club early because I was afraid I might cheat on my boyfriend….also I really wanted some ham <holds up package of deli ham slices> and some water.”  Be still my heart.

Even if you’re a member of an anti-defamation Italian-American group, do your guilty-pleasure-deprived-part of yourself a favor and start watching this ridiculousness before all the characters die of alcohol poisoning or in a fire propelled by the thick coating of hair gel covering their house.

An Evening with the Muumuu Sisters

December 3, 2009


i’m watching nip/tuck right now


is it amazing?


of course

the opening scene

is a ken and barbie couple

as in




the dude

does not have nipples

and the lady wants hers removed


oh creeeepy

and awesome

I was thinking about s5

because my impression is that it was boring

but then like you commented back to me

when I think about specifics

there wa s a lot of good stuff

build a bear murder

and I did like hearts and scalpals


yeah i thought it was a def step up


I think it’s that even boring nip tuck is 90000 times more interesting than interesting everything else


yeah it sets the bar pretty high

for being not boring

there’s an awesome big fat lady who is coming on to christian hardcore

and is like “You have no idea what you’re missing”


barking up the wrong tree lady


and her robe is all open and fat and side boob is hanging out


christian is the shallowest man on earth



they did it!


did what?


“That’s the best orgasm i’ve ever had”

the business


oh christian and the lady did it




wow… I would not have expected that


it all happened v quickly


I love that to get christian in bed all you have to do is be like, “you might think this is gross, but really it’s great”

too bad that doesn’t work on Sean, the actually hot one

though I did notice the last time he was shirtless that while he’s still hot, he’s getting a little less defined in the ab region than he has been


oh jeez

they’re playing a song

while operating on the fat woman


since overall he’s aging much hotter than christian


with the lyrics “Fat mama! Come on and dance with me!”

nip/tuck is so literal


oh so sensitive

I know that’s why we love it though

like it’s not enough that Matt is ridiculous, nay, he is an actual clown


yeah they’re both saggy, which doesn’t really work for this show

b/c of their profession

is this show making us shallow?


yeah, clearly those actors need to go under the knife for integrity

I feel like julia is

as long as we’re only shallow while we watch nip/tuck it’s probably ok

if you ever judge my muumuu and side boob in real life though


oh kimber


we’ll know it’s a bridge too far


she feels now that christian has fucked a fat woman

she has license to get fat




so she’s eating Cherry Garcia for the “first time”

god it must suck to be a skinny bitch



kimber in a fat suit!!!!

being fucked from behind!

by christan!


pausing midway

to go get two spoons

and fudge sauce


kimber’s thinness is partially surgically maintained

you’d think she’d eat ice cream all the time

and that’s sort of amazing

though I never want streaky brown matter to make an appearance while I’m boning

but to each their own, I know that’s something you gays enjoy


ok this is a very fantasy sequence heavy nip/tuck




sean is now in a leave it to beaver like fantasy

with his barbie client


I was hoping it was time lapse reality

does she want, in the parlance of hedwig, a barbie doll crotch?

or just a barbie doll chest?


i guess just the chest

although it’s a slippery slope i’m sure


I guess you can never get a true barbie/ken lower half unless catheters are involved



you ARE a socerer

sean has a barbie doll crotch!


don’t worry, I”ll use my powers for good


that whole sequence was nutty even for nutty nip/tuck

“Christian told me about blow jobs at work”

“You mean putting your penis in my mouth? Isn’t that….sex?”


please tell me it’s a macnamara/troy bejammer


if only

god christian is so easily phobic

one homoerotic shower and he’s punching dudes

one fantasy sequence of fat kimber and fudge sauce

and he’s kicking the fat lady out of the office


heh yeah nip/tuck definitely subscribes to the idea that phobias are based in desire

it reminds me of the scene in big love

when someone is like “he wanted to take one of my wives”

and it cuts to one of the scary compound ladies


“Look I’m not stupid, and I’m not blind….I’m just a gorgeous sexy woman trapped in a fat person’s body”

um, what?


with her 19th century hair and dowdiness

heh, right, I mean, love the skin you’re in lady

you can be a gorgeous sexy fat lady

see Winfrey, Oprah, Latifah, Queen



boobs can be on tv

if the nipples are removed by special effects



I want that even less


apparently the nipple is what makes it dirty

never mind that men’s nipples are on tv all the time

lady nipples are only for filthy pervs

it’s like transubstantiation


in what way?

please explain religious scholar

parade of naked fat men!




in the office

“What are you doing in here?” says fat lady

“Saving your beautiful ass!”

says one of the fat naked men

why are they naked

maybe i missed something…


I just meant that man nipples and lady nipples are the same, unless magical designation makes them different

is she being saved by feeders?

are they there to tell her to love the skin she’s in?

are the fat men, essentially, you and me, the viewers in muumuus at home?



maybe we’re meant to be roused to rip our muumuus off and parade into plastic surgery offices


it seems a little cold for that


“Chemo…well that could be the best diet ever right?”

that’s….looking on the bright side


too bad we don’t live in LA

dude, that’s what my grandma said to my mom


holy fuck you have to be joking


at least your double mastectomy made you look thin



does your grandmother write for nip/tuck


her mom, quite a prize


that is the best gig insensitive people can aspire to


she also gave me a necklace for my birthday and said it was too cute to pass up even though it would get lost in my rolls


case in point….christian walking in on kimber puking up her binge fest: “you’re pathetic!”


like, I mean, other than my boobs, I don’t think I have anything on my upper chest that qualifies as a roll


wow she should submit her resume

based on those two comments alone


is kimber bulemic or is the cherry garcia just not sitting well since she usually doesn’t eat?


maybe the cherry garcia isn’t sitting well with the entire pepperoni pizza resting on top

also that’s gotta be a tiny stomach




ha, seriously


I always wonder that about skinny people actually

like, i love them

but how do their organs fit into such a limited space?

apparently organs are much smaller than I thought


maybe their puny skinny person organs


and more of me is made up by lumps of cherry garcia and pepperoni than I want to admit


my organs are big and beautiful!

just like my ass!


my liver is just incredibly buff and bulky


ok ken is gay now

actually his name is skip




(i mean we always knew that about the doll, so makes sense)

but he’s gay

b/c sean slept with barbie


not earring magic ken?

that’s so strange


which somehow gave him the freedom to admit he’s gay

and bring in his new lover (that was quick)

for calf implants


Barbie to Sean “I love your Malibu beach house. Even if it could use a little color.”


because like, the nipples that he wanted removed was the only commonality between a  man and a lady

clearly sean needs to make it bright pink

with a pink corvette parked outside


yeah all that pink really worked out well with her last man…


bwah good point

sad, I wanted julia and sean to get back together


oh no, barbie is christian and kimber’s play thing apparently

sean went to bed with the hooker

that christian hired

out of apparent pity

ooooo the hooker’s blackmailing them in the next episode according to the previews


didn’t kimber learn about threesomes when her relationship with jonathan kent/bo duke went south?


god sean can’t even find a hooker to fuck that won’t destroy his life

he really should keep it in the pants for a while

you mean ram peters?


yes I always forget that name and am always delighted

Underpants, Ejaculating!

November 26, 2009

Excerpts from this week’s Nip/Tuck.  Enjoy.


“You look like you’ve aged 10 years in the past month.” (Totally rude, totally unsolicited commentary from Sean and Julia’s lawyer, directed at Julia. It’s patently false, but a hilariously bitchy statement nonetheless.)


Julia reciting her ‘mantra’ while Sean injects her with Botox: “Whatever it takes!”


Sean to Julia after sex: “Well we had to get that out of the way sooner or later.  You’re not gonna get all weird on me now are you?”


“Oh really, you were thinking of me while you were masturbating into my granddaughter’s panties?”  Not only funny at pure face value as a line, but also hilares because Erica is clearly upset that her Italian stud Renaldo is not masturbating into her panties, and not at all disturbed by how gross and pedophile-y this behavior is nor displaying any kind of human inclination to protect her granddaughter.


Renaldo the (potential?) pederast to Erica: “My fantasy, it’s still in my head; your fantasy, it’s standing before you.  Who’s sick now, huh?”  (Um, what that does that even mean?  No one thinks boning a young dude when you’re an old lady is as sick as masturbating into a child’s panties dude.  Point not made.  Also, once you ejaculate all over a kid’s undies, the fantasy, it’s no longer safely in your head, it’s a gross physicality now.  The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.)


“I found him with her underpants ejaculating.”  There should be a comma in there but it’s funnier like this.  Ejaculating underpants!  Heeee.


Matt to prison rapist with whom he shares a special power top/bottom bitch relationship:  “Do you want a Ho-Ho?  That always makes you feel better.”

And then he’ll be crying into my shoulder pads…

November 24, 2009

Glee is infuriating.  I want to like it so much , and it tries really hard, it reeeeaally does.  Maybe it, like its theatrical assemblage of characters, can come on too strong and therefore be rendered unattractive.  Maybe it’s like how I feel about meeting my high school self, which I’m pretty sure would be sorta cringe-y.   Oh but I bet high school me would love Glee without abandon.

It does have occasional flashes of brilliance (Kurt’s “Single Ladies” punt routine coupled with touching storyline about his dad, Rachel singing anything, also Kurt doing pretty much anything) and I feel like the necessary ingredients for an amazing show exist, but it’s just not quite coming into its own, and this early stage is a critical period for a tv show.  The foundations are being laid, and it can get really bad from here.  Which is why: no more fake pregnancy storyline please (although the actual teen one with the ever more likable Quinn and dopefuck boyfriend Finn, who sang to a sonogram this episode while I shat myself, is bearable), and also no more Mr. Schuster until he becomes less of a total jackoff weenie dickbrain — same goes for his lame scrawny porcelain doll love interest counselor and their will they or won’t they blahfest.

On last week’s, which I’m just now watching, it at least leaned more toward brilliant for the first time in what seems like a long time.  Last week I mostly remember the plot that resulted in wheelchair dancing to the “roooolling, roooolling, rooooolling on the river…” part of “Proud Mary” and teens learning a valuable lesson about diversity and struggle and sticking together and me throwing up in my mouth a little bit, but then this week Rachel, who as previously stated, is amazing, gets a crush on Mr. Schuster (gross, right, but remember who your stupid high school self had crushes on…some of them were totes gross, be honest) and sings the song of the very name of her diseeeease from the late 90s called “Crush” (my stupid high school self liked this song…turns out I’m still moved to the native rhythms of pop music that my people have been crafting and celebrating proudly for generations, current self also likes it) hilariously to a freaked out Mr. Schuster in his car, and before than there was sonogram singing (“I’ll Stand by You” by The Pretenders…heeeeeeee), and before that Kurt was discussing his plan to seduce Finn and was all “…and then he’ll be crying into my shoulder pads” which is funny because it’s true, Finn tends to get weepy and Kurt wears things that must contain shoulder pads, oh and then Finn sings “You’re Having My Baby” (interwebs tell me Paul Anka wrote and sang, in duet with someone I don’t know, this cheezy 70s jewel) to Quinn at a veeeery stupid, inopportune time (dinner with Quinn’s ‘rents, who love Glenn Beck, might not take the news so well dumbass).  Also the series had a rare moment of dramatic umph when Quinn delivered a kind of devastating speech to her parents about her pregnancy, and the actress who plays her, Dianna Argon, actually had me believing this was a real person and what she said was meaningful and sad, which is just something Glee usually doesn’t get entirely right when it tries.

Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch, so we already know worlds ahead of the others in comic consistency) wasn’t part of this, and this bodes even better for this episode’s standing, because I still liked it.  The show needs to figure out how to integrate her character better, because she is starting to get stale and not grow with the others and becoming a little one-note, and I don’t want to see that happen to Sue, because she’s great and so is Jane Lynch and they, character and actress, deserve better.

Ugh the show did get pretty cheeseball bad at the end when they sang “Lean on Me” to Quinn and Finn — but Quinn and Puck made sex eyes at each other and I love this love triangle so much more than any other featured on the show, and Kurt made phone fingers and batted his eyes at Finn, so it wasn’t all a travesty.  I just know you can do it again in upcoming episodes Glee!  I outgrew my awkwardness (nod in agreement) and you can too!  I believe in you!  Now put on some pimple cream and let it bake under those floodlights!

Castrated Queers

November 10, 2009

Tonight’s Gossip Girl, anticipated in the media for its much-hyped threesome storyline, let me down on a note surprisingly unrelated to the players in the threesome (more on that later though): it reinforced the fact that a gay character has been sidelined from the moment they called themselves gay.  I call it castrated queer syndrome.

As with characters ranging from (the original) Melrose Place‘s Matt, to even the recent fairly risque True Blood‘s Lafayette (neither of whom ever came out because they were gay from the start of their respective series, but had or have had no on-screen romantic life or displays of affection) , Gossip Girl‘s Erik pretty much stopped having a life (more specifically a romantic one, but this is a soap, so that’s pretty much all of life for one of these characters) from his first moment of gayness.  They tossed him a boyfriend in an off-camera way that we don’t even know the details of, proceeded to never let them be romantic in any way on screen, and never gave them a storyline until it recently served the purposes of another character.  And in this episode, that lame relationship came to its conclusion (Jenny and friends were mean to Erik and his boyfriend Jonathan, Erik was mean back, Jonathan thought this made Erik a “changed” person for some reason, Jonathan broke up with him), and now Erik is boyfriend-less, yet poised to be in more episodes as Jenny’s foil in her rise from Brooklyn obscurity to Upper East Side queen-dom.  Hmmm…strange coincidence?  I think not.  Erik is suddenly going to be in more episodes, and his sudden singlehood makes it less scary for network television.  Boooooo Gossip Girl!  Booooooo!

You may have tossed us gays a meaty, delicious, sexy bone when Chuck kissed a dude and proclaimed, when asked if it was a big deal, “What, you think I’ve never kissed a guy before?”  But our Pavlovian drooling instincts have subsided and our brains are no longer so clouded (mine always gets a little fuzzy whenever Chuck just appears on camera).  Stop being fucking weenies and give Erik a fucking boyfriend who he fucking fucks, or at least dry humps or makes out with.  I mean, really, it’s not like you can seriously be trying to court conservative parents who decry your poisoning of American youth, right?  May I point again to your November sweeps threesome?

And, as promised, about that:  disgusting!  Gnatalby predicted the mysteriously sexed-up Dan Humphrey would be involved, and she just had to be right, didn’t she?  Hilary Duff’s character Olivia kissed a girl and she liked it (even though it was Vanessa…more disgustitude), but apparently it’s not her boyfriend (who was in the room, hence the three of the -some) she has to worry about minding it; in the promo for next week it appears she minds it once she realizes she’s not leaving for filming a movie like she thought at the commencement of the menage a trois.  This looks to be a dull plot, like most involving Dan and Vanessa, and I hate that the writers played it safe by having a girl threesome with a guy planted firmly in the middle.  I hope we don’t learn the details of the threesome because Dan is gross, but I’m betting he was the beneficiary of the whole thing, and that the kiss we saw between the ladies was as far as anything between them went.  That’s not shaking things up, Gossip Girl, that’s a mainstream, heterocentric fallacy that needs to die.  For the sake of my continued viewership and your continued exisitence, kill these impulses to write stories like these in the future, and resist the urge to continue the castration of the one true queer you have.  You don’t want to piss the gays off, and if you haven’t already castrated the off-camera, behind-the-scenes queers to the point of not caring, you might wake up one day to no wardrobe department (in addition to the approximate brillion percent of the rest of your creative force…there’s got to be at least one gay writer in the room who is sick of this shit too) if you continue down this dark, gay-sexless path.

Push It

October 28, 2009

I am kind of in love with the big “On Demand” button on my remote control.

It’s by far the most ginormous of the buttons on the thing, but it speaks to me not just because of its hugeness.  It gives me what I want, and, I’ve said it before, but why do you dare me not to say it again:  I’m going to get what I want!

I have inherited via a new roommate and her existing cable the wonders of Showtime On Demand, which is affording me the privilege to watch United State of Tara which is just totally amazing, for serious you guys.  There’s a gay kid and Toni Colllete playing multiple personalities within a singular being with a perfect balance of camp and sincerity and John Corbett who is just ridick hot, and weirdly it’s all from Diablo Cody (with a little help from Steven Spielberg).  Normally this Diablo Cody business would be a turn off because I was not on the Juno bandwagon; didn’t hate it, but I found it gross cutesy and indulgently indie mostly with some genuine funny writing and performances scattered about.  But US of Tara is different business, and if weren’t for my “On My Demand” button and its hulking, pulsating desire to satiate my TV lust, I wouldn’t even know of its awesome-osity.  Demand satisfaction.  Hit some buttons on your remote or other make-tv-happen device and hopefully you can bring Toni College and John Corbett and a faggy teen into your life while you’re at it.

OMFG! GG Chat!

September 15, 2009
why is the van der hump
into vanessa?
I hope it’s just a scheme
granted, he’s half humphrey
but he’s also half lily
nice one
did you get all that i typed to you?
ethnic love spell?
proletariat skank?
that business?
I just got “nice one”
i hate facebook chat
me too
i was going to record our convo for the blog
feel free
ok i’ll try to retype
clearly vanessa exudes an ethnic love spell/stench that renders boys bad decision-makers
let us not forget chuck’s indiscretion with our little proletariat skank
although… is vanessa “ethnic?”
is what i believe i typed
ugh, that was the worst
oh working class
before ethnic
and i assumed
is she not?
blair should never be in the same fuck bracket at vanessa
i thought that’s why dan found her interesting, at least partially
b/c he’s so ‘different’ like that
I don’t know
and from brooklyn
hmmm possibly jewish
her last name is Abrams
oh yeah that’s not very ethnic-y
i thought she wasn’t white
although with this cast it’s hard to say
was vanessa bleating about hannukah at christmastime?
what a not white person is
got her bleats all run together for me…
er, god
why is blair in this repulsive hat?
i don’t know why she’s hiding her face
I know
it’s like a glorious sunbeam of cunning
that hat looks like it belongs on an old lady, it’s all limp like it’s been worn by one for dozens of years too
wait… the jockey
is named… Nacho?\
I find that so offensive
are you saying you didn’t enjoy the film nacho libre
for that reason
b/c you really should look past the cover of books natalie
otherwise it was precisely my sort of filmD
Doostyn: so vanessa has almost-dreads…guess she spent her summer not showering
maybe that’s what you do when you’re a brooklynite
Gnatalby:  so gross
Chair’s [Chuck+Blair] love game seems problematic
Doostyn: maybe for those who are in it
for those who are watching it’s just fine
better than fine
it produces slobbering contement not unlike having a labotomy
a sexy labotomy
Gnatalby:  too true
why is the van der hump [Lily and Rufus’ kid, half Lily Van der Woodsen, half Rufus Humphrey] into                                        vanessa?
I hope it’s just a scheme
Doostyn:  clearly vanessa exudes a working class ethnic love spell/stench that renders boys bad decision-makers
let us not forget chuck’s indiscretion with our little proletariat skank
Gnatalby:  ugh that was the worst
Blair should never be in the same fuck bracket as Vanessa
is vanessa “ethnic”?
Doostyn:  i assumed
is she not?
i thought that’s why dan found her interesting, at least partially
b/c he’s so ‘different’ like that
and from brooklyn
Gnatalby:  I don’t know
hmmm…possibly jewish?
her last name is Abrams
Doostyn:  oh yeah, abrams, that’s not very ethnic-y
i thought she wasn’t white
although with this cast it’s hard to say
what a not white person is
Gnatalby:  was vanessa bleating about hannukah at christmastime?
Doostyn:  god her bleats all run together for me…
Gnatalby:  true
why is blair in this repulsive hat?
Doostyn:  i don’t know why she’s hiding her face
Gnatalby:  I know
it’s like a glorious sunbeam of cunning

Doostyn:  that hat looks like it belongs on an old lady, it’s all limp like it’s been worn by one for dozens of years too
Gnatalby:  wait… the jockey
is named… Nacho?
I find that so offensive
Doostyn:  are you saying you didn’t enjoy the film nacho libre
for that reason?
Gnatalby:  hee
otherwise it was precisely my sort of film
serena in a flowing dress
astride her steed
gossip girl is like, its own fan fic

America’s Next Low Model

September 10, 2009

So on every “cycle” of the veteran reality series America’s Next Top Model, we are treated to a thematic introduction undoubtedly masterminded by the Booze Tube’s favorite borderline psychotic, Tyra Banks.  So on “Le Cycle 13″ (as reads the placard in the hotel lobby the semi-finalists find themselves in) I guess the theme is French leftist revolution.  Get your berets ready, and practice holding your breath for the tear gas ladies; you’re about to change EVERYTHING!

Or so Madame Tyra (who dons an…interesting French accent when introduced to the contestans) would have us believe.  Within the first five minutes we are told several times that Tyra is changing industry standards (um, fashion industry, any comment?) because all the girls on this season are under 5’7”.  Geez Tyra why don’t you just burn the September 2007 issue of Vogue in front of Versailles while you’re at it?  (Friends of the Booze Tube tell us the documentary The September Issue concerning Anna Wintour and company putting together the biggest fashion mag of all time is faaaaaaaaaabuloooooous, btw.)

Revolutionary illusisons aside, it is true, as Tyra has reminded us in the run-up to this cycle, that Kate Moss defied model conventions by being short and successful (she hasn’t provided other examples though), so it’s not impossible for one of these girls to find success.  But, as we all know, none of these girls who win rise to the top of the modeling industry (although their lives are almost uniformly changed for the better from the experience, even for those who don’t win), so I guess building up the possiblity of monumental success that likely will not come to fruition is not unusual.

But we learn from quickly-cut semi-finalist Raven the hard truth about this “earth-shattering” cycle of short model competition.  After not making it through the first cut, she simply states “I guess I’m going to go back to what I was doing, which was nothing.”  These girls don’t even have the usual confidence of most who are kicked off of ANTM, believing that while this may be a set-back, it’s not the end of the road.  These petites know they probably don’t have many more modeling opportunities aside from this since most will be shot down as soon as they walk through the door of a modeling agency.  This cycle could be, despite Tyra certainly thinking she’s changing lives and industries and the human race for the better, one of the sadder ones to watch as each girl is eliminated.  Don’t fret though…this Booze Tuber doesn’t have a sentimental enough heart to stop watching.  I will somehow live through the pain to give our dedicated readers all the model dirt, and of course all the Tyra insanity.

ETA:  I am way too amused by Tyra squealing “…weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeave” everytime she draws one on her Tyra-strator (some sort of Etch-a-Sketch/tv sports illustration thing-y only for makeovers!).  Really, though, who wouldn’t love to draw weaves on a photo as though passing a magic wand over a moldable clay of a person and magically giving them the weave of your choosing?  We’re approaching ‘mo heaven here people, it’s some serious business.