Archive for December, 2009

The Magical Natives of Dreamland

December 28, 2009

In a year of Doctor Who specials, you’d think they’d take care to make all of them really good. The creators decided to go a different way though, so what do I know.

The monstrosity under discussion today is Dreamland, the animated episode which follows The Waters of Mars (I’ll return to that, as it was actually awesome, as was the Christmas special).

So, let’s get this out of the way. The animation is HORRIBLE. It’s worse than most video games. In particular the walking seems weird and off-pace and takes me right out of the moment, since it looks like the olden day driving a car blue-screens. We have decent computers here in the future, use them!

The Doctor arrives in 1950s America and meets up with Cassie (confusingly voiced by Georgia Moffett, who played Jenny the Doctor’s “daughter” in the episode of the same name—minus the snotty quotes. Because really they just cloned the doctor and made him female. Somehow. Even though you can’t switch the gender of a clone. Whatever, a wizard did it.) and a magical Native American, Jimmy Stalkingwolf who harnesses the power of feelings, and nature awareness, and deep sadness about the plight of the laaaaaaaand. If there’s anything worse than the way Hollywood represents Native Americans it’s how the BBC does. At least liberal Americans are leery of colonialism, I can’t imagine an episode like “The Satan Pit” in which an American hero in the aughts claims that some alien race just love being slaves.

Anyway, the Doctor and his human friends end up at Roswell because of an encounter with a Viperox (which is an awesome alien name) and some intergalactic men in black whose job it is to shield the humans from dangerous tech. They find a lady grey alien, and the doctor is all bleeeeee blaaaaah charm and quirkiness whatever. Okay, that’s not exactly what he’s like, but there’s something REALLY jarring about this episode following on the heels of The Waters of Mars which showed us the darkest, most nihilist, most angry god doctor we’ve ever seen. And now he’s all “Allons-y” and quippy, and it bugs.

Whatever, giant space bugs, the greys created a genocide device, the Doctor insists they must be allowed to live people and enormous centipedes can chaaaaaange and modifies the device to make it not fatal but extremely irritating to Viperox ears. I guess I’m just a violent American, because I pretty much think that if someone credibly threatens to kill everyone on your planet, you’re justified in killing them. (There is one creeeepy shot of the Viperox Queen laying her eggs, I should say in defense of this episode.)

Jimmy has a grandfather Night Eagle who is (obviously) handy with the bow and arrow. Being in tune with the whole universe, Night Eagle has been sheltering a friendly grey, the husband of the one at Area 51.

It all works out. The greys are reunited, the doctor leaves, and Cassie and Jimmy get together, because any two single people of opposite sexes have to get together, it’s like… the law.

The story isn’t horrible, but it seems out of pace with the rest of the events in the Whoniverse, so… fail.


Where’s Johnny?

December 26, 2009

Oh man, can I just say it? I love Johnny Sack. He is not the titular Johnny of Sopranos episode 5×3, “Where’s Johnny”, but he is the Johnny of my heart. If we were together we could just hang out and be bitter assholes and he wouldn’t even mind if I let myself go! It would be a beautiful relationship. Johnny is also a great party planner, check out what he arranged for Little Carmine’s bachelor party:

Johnny: I was in his wedding party! Organized his whole fucking bachelor party, lesbian show… whores… fucking disgusting!
Christopher: I had no idea you guys were so close.

Call me, Prince Charming!

I basically glutted myself on the whole fifth season of the Sopranos last week, but there was a lot in there, so I’m going to try to go through it more blogularly minded. The strangest thing for me is that I seem to managed to be entirely unspoiled for the Sopranos despite knowings lots of people who watched it and not living in a hole in the ground. I’m not sure why it took me so long to watch it, although I guess the answer is that I’m not all that interested in masculinity issues, and it’s a pretty butch show. Like, so sorry you feel put upon old white dudes, maybe you’d like to go roll around in your money-bed until you feel better?

Tony and Uncle Junior have a big fight at dinner about how Tony has tiny hands, and didn’t have the chops to be a varsity athlete, and it’s pretty hilarious. I love when the Sopranos are petty. Janice basically insults Tony’s dick all “Small haaaands. I’ve heard that about you.” Love. Her. Tony yells about undermining. I love that he’s basically that person we all know who starts going to therapy and then it always yammering in therapy-speak and telling people to use “I” statements and talking about undermining. Basically, Junior’s not far wrong when he says that Tony’s problem is that he’s a goddamn hothouse flower.

But Junior may not be the most reliable narrator, since he is clearly having an episode-long senior moment, or mini-strokes per his doctor. He wanders off looking for the ghost of Johnny Soprano and into some weird sales meeting at a church where a middle-aged man is teaching kids how to do a hard sell. “When they say they’re not interested, you say, ‘You’re not interested in keeping kids off drugs?!'”

So then! Junior is chilling on a bench when he has a existential encounter with a prostitute.

Whore: Hey there handsome. Where you living now?
Junior: Do you know me?
Lady of the Evening: Do I know you?
Junior: Jupiter club on 6th street?
Fallen Woman: Caught fire that place, lot of people died.
Junior: Do you know my brother johnny.
Hooker: You got all the looks, I’ll tell you that.
Junior: What are you saying? You and I had relations?
Streetwalker: Some bitch in a taxi cab run me right over my foot.
Junior: I have a car.
World’s Oldest Professional: Want a date? I’ll give you half and half in the back seat.

Ah, love in your twilight years. I don’t exactly know what a half and half is, but I can guess. So then Junior is found wandering around some dumpsters by the cops, and he’s super belligerent.

Officer: How you doing?
Junior: I don’t gotta tell you shit.
Officer: Can I see some ID, Sir?
Junior: Fuck you, copper, I know my rights.

The cops take him home, seeming to boggle at how the mighty have fallen. Junior bids them goodbye pleasantly all: “Go shit in your hat!”

Tony goes off on Janice, who tries to give him marriage advice, which is pretty hilarious, considering that she’s Janice fucking Soprano who killed her fiance in a rage. “Free spirit Janice! Rebel without a cause! While I sit here mired in [Mon’s] bullshit trying to be a good son while you’re off dropping acid and blowing roadies!”

And Bobby’s all, “Roadies?!?” While I’m like, “Roadies!!! Hee, hee, I’m twelve. Of course. That’s soooo Janice.”

Anyway, Tony and Junior sort of make up, because Tony realizes that Junior is having medical issues although Tony can’t really let it go. He’s all, “Let’s assume that you don’t know what you’re saying, that you forget and say something over and over, why’s it gotta be something mean? Why can’t you repeat something good? [Long Pause] Don’t you love me?”

Aaaaaaand, no answer from Junior, cut to credits. That shit is BRUTAL.

Hope everyone’s Christmas was good. I got my dead mother’s bronzed baby shoe. There are Soprano levels of weirdness and dysfunction stirring in my extended family.

Merry Christmas! or Merry Day in December

December 25, 2009

Alas, the only present I can offer my dear readers is a long-in-coming update. I’m not very organized around the holidays, so I’m just happy my presents made it home and am contemplating making eggnog because I really want some, but it’s sort of a production to make just for me. Plus eggnog is a little like sausage– you don’t want to see it get made. I mean, it’s twelve egg yolks to four cups of milk, something about that doesn’t seem right (while at the same time sounding sort of delish).

Onward, to freeing up some space on Eglentine, my computer!

The Scene: Melrose 6×13– A Christmas Episode entitled “A Tree Talks in Melrose.”

Taylor arranges a special Christmas concert at the jazz club, which is totally a treasure for guest stars of the smoooooooth jaaaaaazz persuasion whose characters happen to be secret, never mentioned good friends of our series regulars. Taylor tries to put a move on Kyle, but he pointedly takes her hand off his arm. Taylor asks John Cicata (sp? I have no idea who this person is, and google isn’t helping. If he’s secretly famous– my bad.) to play a special Christmas concert to save the club and he agrees saying he could never turn down “a woman who looks like this.”

New plan for getting what I want… collagen. In. My. Lips.

Lexie gives Peter the thoughtful gift of finding your girlfriend on the bathroom floor after she ODed, frightened that Jennifer Mancini is going to tell someone about her hit and run homeless man encounter. Jennifer, btw, is creepily over-interested. Lexie is all “You’re doing all this for Michael” and she goes, “I would do this and a LOT MORE for Michael.” I got total incest shivers from that line (perhaps because it reminds me of a similar line from Brenda about Billy on 6ftUnder). I keep forgetting they’re supposed to be siblings and wondering why Michael hasn’t hit that, since he is the biggest slut in the world. Jennifer prolongs the annoying patent storyline (who thought this was a good idea? Copyright lawsuits? BORING) by getting Cooper’s designs in exchange for Lexie dropping her alimony requirements.

Billy and Sam have a big stupid fight/make up about Connie, who loooooooves Sam and has some elaborate scheme involving seducing Billy through mistletoe kissing and nude lounging. I find that when you want lesbian action, it’s better to go straight to it, rather than detouring at man-ville, but that’s just my style. More Jill Sobule than Katy Perry.

Amanda decides to give Kyle “the truth” for Christmas. She tells him that she’s in love with him, and it’s been him since they met and blah blah blah. Kyle’s all “Is that supposed to make me forget what happened between you and Eric?”

So Amanda’s all: Nothing happened. We never had sex. From the moment you and I met I just never wanted anyone else.
Kyle: No, you, you went to his hotel room and you took your clothes off. So I don’t care if you wanted Eric or if you were trying to save your agency, you went there to sleep with him.
Amanda: But I didn’t! I couldn’t go through with it!
Kyle: You know, you don’t get points from me because the guy turns you off.

It hate having to side with Kyle (boy do I, I can feel pain radiating from my blackened heart) but he is totally in the right. Intent matters, Amanda! The only reason you didn’t have sex with Eric is that Kyle walked in! Jeez.

Taylor and the lips come in all saucy to have a shot with Kyle and enthuse about how much money the club is making, but Kyle prefers the surly alcoholic’s way of drinking alone and angry, which allows Taylor to scheme and steal the money in order to convince Kyle to go to her with Vegas to win it back, giving her time and the sultry sleaze of Vegas to seduce him.

And now the money shot of the episode!!! Michael Mancini in a Santa suit getting served divorce papers! If you’ve ever wanted to watch Santa destroy a beach house, hulk smash a Christmas tree, break gifts, tear down lights and do an angry striptease culminating in the burning of a Santa suit, look no further! (Also if this is your dream, you are awesome, call me.)

The episode ends with Michael throwing a Christmas tree into the ‘Place pool while Amanda intones sarcastically “God bless us every one” and a singing Michael ornament burbles in its watery grave. (Which is sort of odd, since it should make the sound of electronic things meeting water, not a gargle.)

Happy Christmas to Christians, to everyone else, Happy … Day.

Planned or Unplanned

December 16, 2009

So I was talking the other day with a friend about tv series, and how sometimes it annoys me when there are dead end plots that go nowhere. Specifically I was thinking about Melrose and when Laura Leighton was on 90210 for like, six episodes or something, and then her character just disappeared. Or that one weird episode of 7th Heaven in which a crooked contractor feigns injury while renovating the garage apartment to rip off the Camdens and Annie is all “I will fight you on this!” and then nothing was ever mentioned again. Clearly plots they threw at the wall that didn’t stick.

These always annoy me, despite the fact that in real life events happen that don’t necessarily lead anywhere all the time. Then again, if I wanted real life I wouldn’t need a tv at all.

Initially I floated Lost as a show with a plan before I realized it too is littered with lost (heh) plots, like Libby and Ana Lucia or, more gallingly (since AL & L were apparently let go because of bad behavior filing in Hawaii) Shannon and Boone. Why were they even there? It really puts a damper in my faith that Lost has an overarching plan, in spite of its assurances.

I have similar issues with BSG. Don’t tell me “They have a plan” unless they have a plan.

At the end of the day, the only shows I can think of that seem airtight to me are Veronica Mars and some anime series (which are, presumably, planned out in the manga?), though I’m always ready to hear more.

I haven’t finished the Sopranos yet, but it seems to be a pretty tight show thus far (midway through S5) and possibly Big Love, although it’s hard to tell with series that are ongoing.


December 10, 2009

For the mid-season finale, this week’s episode of Glee was a little predictable. If the team hadn’t won sectionals this would have been the shortest season ever, so there wasn’t a lot of tension there, although it was fun to see how they got there, and nice to hear all new numbers.

It’s nice to see that blonde lady from True Blood who wanted to bone jason stackhouse continues to be perky and ambiguously misguided. Pop up other places on my tv pretty lady! Her comments about the deaf choir rang unfortunately true, and I don’t think it had to be that way at all, opportunity squandered. I cringed. I also cringed when the choir director for the correctional school was all, “We black people will just never be as good as you white kids even when we cheat and you don’t practice!” Uncomfortable.

On the very good side, the faked pregnancy plots are resolved, hurrah! At the start of the episode I was confused because I honestly didn’t remember Puck telling anyone he was the father, but you know, booze is right there in the title of this blog. Mercedes and Tina’s cell phone conversation made me smile as it was basically a remake of the scene from Clueless in which Cher and Dionne are talking on their (ENORMOUS) cell phones and meet in the hallway. Tina I’m agnostic on, but I love Mercedes at least as much as I love Cher Horowitz, so it’s ok.

Bland Redhead and Will got together andzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the less said about that the better. I. Don’t. Care.

I’ll definitely miss Glee until it comes back, but fortunately all the music is up on youtube, so I can get a fix of the show’s continuing strength– the excellent vocal performances.

Thanksgiving Leftovers: The Sopranos and Gossip Girl

December 4, 2009

All my tv-viewing this week seemed to be about Thanksgiving, which doesn’t seem that notable, just topical, except that some of it was old stuff like the Melrose I posted and the Sopranos episode “He Is Risen” (3×08). Perhaps it’s a testament to the fact that I consume whole seasons of tv shows over the course of a normal week though. Shh. Don’t tell.

More Thanksgiving episodes of TV should involve hijacked turkeys because that’s always funny. The plot of this episode is basically that Tony doesn’t doesn’t want the annoying mobster (the one with the David Spade on Just Shoot me Hair, the one who always says “hooo-er” for “whore” which comes up a lot since he killed one. Fuck it, if I’m going to keep talking about him I should look up his name… Ralphie Cifaretto!) to come to Thanksgiving dinner even though Carmela has invited his special lady, Rosalie Aprile, and even though Meadow has popped an enormous ladyboner for Jackie Aprile jr. Eventually Carmela uninvites them, though Meadow and Jackie hook up anyway after a sexay minor (and totally avoidable) car accident.

One thing I looooooove about James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano is how real he seems and how there are moments that I can’t remember having seen such a familiar real life thing happening on tv as when Tony frantically tears through the turkey bag for antacids and chomps down on like 10 at a time. So. great.

Other things that are realistic but too horrifying for network tv: Gigi Cestone straining to take the first Thanksgiving dump while reading Playboy. It’s like a soft porn including episode of “I didn’t know I was pregnant.” I don’t get the porn in the bathroom thing guys do. The last time I lived with a dude he had an ENORMOUS stack of magazines and some pornographic “classy” wall art. Do guys get so bored while pooping that they need to masturbate? Wouldn’t you worry about creating a horrifying association between sex and scat? Happily (for us, not him) Gigi dies on the can so Operant Conditioning doesn’t have time to take effect.

Season three is interesting. I keep wanting Tony to whack some misogynists, like Ralphie, like he’s a murderous Gloria Steinem, which is unrealistic since Tony is definitely not a role model in the gender equality department. I’m pretty sure that if Dr. Malfi had told him about the rape he would have killed her rapist, and I can see why the show didn’t go there, but that’s some catharsis I could have gotten behind. Also, I’m sooooo tired rape as a plot device. Please imperil your female characters in less sexual ways, I’m over it, I’m tired of seeing it, it upsets me and disturbs me, (although so far I’m impressed that the Sopranos doesn’t seem to have forgotten it happened and has Dr. Malfi going to therapy and being affected for more than just an episode).

On the more current Thanksgiving tip, most of my thoughts on the Gossip Girl Thanksgiving episode are covered in this brilliant offering by the Fug Girls.

This is actually the stage [Acceptance] I’m still struggling with, because I REFUSE to be okay with Serena wearing a men’s figure-skating outfit to sit around the family table and give thanks for, like, boob tape and unavailable politicos who hate their wives.

Friends. It is true. That is exactly what Serena is wearing. I spent the whole episode squinting at the screen and unfortunately at this lovely lady’s crotch to determine whether it was a lace front formal catsuit, and it WAS. Ugh. Fortunately Serena’s hair was in this really adorable updo that I covet more than anything she’s ever done with her hair. But it didn’t come close to making up for the catsuit.

So the A plot is that Serena is a TERRIBLE PERSON. She is helping Trip cheat on Maureen and making this sad puppy face like she’s the victim here even though she is a HORRIBLE CHEATER van der CHEATERSON. JESUS. CHRIST. And all this is happening despite the fact that a) Trip is not cute, b) Trip has crazy bugged out eyes c) Trip has no personality d)Serena has known him for three seconds and e) Nate Archibland, Serena’s childhood bestie with whom she has previously slept (so it’s not a kibbutz syndrome situation) IS cute and is into Serena. Serena thinks she has some sort of get out of jail free card because of something mysterious involving her dad, but she is an adult person now, adults engaging in adultery don’t get to blame it on others. WHY is it HAPPENING?

I have no answers. In other Satanic pairings, Dan is now suddenly in love with Vanessa, which makes me want to hurl. I cannot imagine how horribly self-righteous and Brooklyn these terrible people are going to be when they get together. It’s going to be completely repulsive. They are going to renovate lofts, write poems, and wash their hair with hemp shampoo I just know it and it’s just horrible. It’s such a piss-off too, because one of the reasons I always hated Dan was that he was always moralizing at Serena because of her wealth. For once he has something to *actually* moralize about, and he doesn’t care! Apparently it’s fine to fuck a married congressman but wrong to buy your boyfriend a nice birthday gift. WHY. WHY IS IT HAPPENING?

Gossip Girl continues its tradition of appalling guests ruining holidays at the homes of others, like Cece (whose “heart pumps secrets and gin”) who threatens to spill some secret of Lily’s or Maureen who is there JUST to have a showdown with Trip and Serena. I’m sorry, but that’s pretty tacky. Have your fight at home or Trip’s office. Or Nate, leaking the Trip/Serena make out tape. Thanks to said tape, Lily finds out and takes it! personally! And I’m forced to defend a fucking cheater (which I always hate) because Lily has NO room to judge anyone for cheating or for sleeping with a married a man. She cheated on Bart with Rufus and slept with Rufus when he was married to the HumpMom.

Blair is hilarious. She thinks her mom is pregnant and tries to force her hand by offering her unpasteurized cheese and booze. I love the way she talks. To Jenny: “Where are you dragging me? Haven’t you heard of a whispered aside?…. How do you find having a sibling? Someone whose sole purpose on earth is to compete for your parents love and attention?”

Blair is the greatest ever, though her declaration: “I want pie.” made me worry. Remember the Thanksgiving when Eleanor enabled her bulimia all “Choose a dessert and take it to your room.” and Blair ate a whole pie and barfed? I do, and it was VERY upsetting. But they make up and, as far as we know, Blair doesn’t eat and puke a whole pie. And, in better pie news, apparently Tom Colicchio lives in Dorota’s boyfriend Vanya’s building! JEALOUS.

ANYway. Cute Nate asks Serena not to run away with a married congressman, and for inexplicable reasons, she does not stay and goes with Representative BugEyes. HOTLY, Chuck breaks plans with Blair for the evening in order to stay and comfort a sad but hot Nate. They decide to get drunk, and one thing leads to another. In my mind anyway.

While They Were In There I Told Them to Go Ahead and Yank Out Those Tear Ducts

December 3, 2009

Apparently Doostyn and I are sorcerers, because we got practically everything we wanted from Glee this week! Yay I can just love you as you as you are you tricksy show!!!

Rachel was great as usual. I laughed at her line about her gay dads having a close relationship with the ACLU. I love practically every mention of her gay dads though, so I have a bias. Lea Michele is a really good actress too, she really inhabits everything about the role. When Will said they’d be voting for who was in the pictures you could see the tendons in her neck tense. The outfit she wore for the photos looked like an insane ice-dancing outfit for a Wizard of Oz number, which I would kind of enjoy seeing, I’m not going to lie.

I just identify with her so much, as a former self righteous yet clueless and annoying theatre nerd myself. Rachel just thinks that if she’s just truly authentically herself people will be charmed, which sometimes works, like with the mattress commercial but sometimes really doesn’t, like her pitch to Britney. “I don’t want to be in that picture with you, it will get defaced… I’ll be the one doing it.” But as usual her number with Finn was my favorite of the episode, partly because I love Lily Allen more than is seemly and the video for that song is a work of schadenfreude genius. She scratches all his records, throws his clothes in the toilet, and feeds him laxatives… who *doesn’t* want to do that to a cheating ex??

Sue Sylvester was amazing as usual. Her How Sue Cs It rant made me laugh a lot: “All I want is just one day a year where I’m not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously Ohio, these retinas need a day off! So here’s the dream: Friday after Christmas, which I have off, if you’re hideous [shrug] stay at home. Spend the entire day watching home videos of a time when you weren’t too repulsive for me to ever want to look at.”

I feel like whenever Sue says something outrageous there are people who get offended, and that’s actually one of the big reasons I hated the “Sue has a heart” storyline the other work. First off, disabled family members are not automatic get of being an asshole free card. Plenty of people are jerks generally but have it in them to make an exception for certain people. But in order for the things Sue says to be funny, she has to be cartoonishly villainous, that’s what makes it satire. There really are people who think and say things like this about fat people or ugly people (see street harassment, the comments of any gossip blog, or the times your friend has pointed out a woman in public and said she shouldn’t be wearing that), and by making Sue say them, the writers of Glee are saying: “Only a real asshole thinks like this.”

Most importantly though, Glee heeded our prayers and dealt with the fake pregnancy, thank god. No more pregnancy shenanigans! Unfortunately, they did this in a way that made Will seem super rapey. Unlike Sue, we are supposed to think Will is a good guy, one of the moral centers of the show, this despite his many actions of extreme weenie assholery. It was pretty disturbing to see the show basically excuse domestic violence because hey, Mr. Shue is a hero and Terri really is the worst therefore it’s not that bad that he yelled at her to left up her shirt, pinned her to the wall ,and ripped part of her clothes off. This while the camera stayed tight on their hard-breathing faces and close lips. I don’t care what Terri did, violence and threats are not ok. Making said violent act look like sexy time is not ok. (Sure there are plenty of people who like a little consensual violence in their sex, but it’s neither here nor there, this wasn’t consensual and I’m not watching the Anne Rice Pony Play channel.) And to have Will storm out while Terri begged for him to come back just made me feel ill.

Again, the crucial point here is that Will is supposed to be a good guy. We’re supposed to watch this scene and be on his side.

Finally, Will steps down as Glee director, but this ain’t my first rodeo, I know he’ll be back, much as I may wish it otherwise. In his parting address to the kids he said: “The best teachers don’t give you the answers, they just point the way and let you make your own choices, your own mistakes. That way you get all the glory. And you deserve it. If you can’t win without me there, then I haven’t done my job.”

That is what the best teachers do Will, and I think we can extrapolate some things from the fact that this is basically the opposite of your behavior. Unless you have some other way to explain your creepy solo-stealing under the guise of “showing you how it’s done” or the time tried to make the club sing “Le Freak” when they told you they wanted to sing “Push It.”

Or the time earlier this same episode when you ignored the kids desire to not be humiliated in the yearbook.

Will is like Allison on Melrose Place or Kelly Taylor: you can tell the writers think he’s really great and want you to think he’s an amazing guy, a real Mary Sue, but they’ve given him all these *really* unpleasant personality traits, seemingly without knowing how annoying or abhorrent they are.

It makes me think that no matter how much I love the show– and I do!– I would probably really not enjoy hanging out with the people who write it. Unless I start finding extreme narcissism, inappropriate boundaries, and creepy sexual behavior toward minors to suddenly be appealing personality traits.

An Evening with the Muumuu Sisters

December 3, 2009


i’m watching nip/tuck right now


is it amazing?


of course

the opening scene

is a ken and barbie couple

as in




the dude

does not have nipples

and the lady wants hers removed


oh creeeepy

and awesome

I was thinking about s5

because my impression is that it was boring

but then like you commented back to me

when I think about specifics

there wa s a lot of good stuff

build a bear murder

and I did like hearts and scalpals


yeah i thought it was a def step up


I think it’s that even boring nip tuck is 90000 times more interesting than interesting everything else


yeah it sets the bar pretty high

for being not boring

there’s an awesome big fat lady who is coming on to christian hardcore

and is like “You have no idea what you’re missing”


barking up the wrong tree lady


and her robe is all open and fat and side boob is hanging out


christian is the shallowest man on earth



they did it!


did what?


“That’s the best orgasm i’ve ever had”

the business


oh christian and the lady did it




wow… I would not have expected that


it all happened v quickly


I love that to get christian in bed all you have to do is be like, “you might think this is gross, but really it’s great”

too bad that doesn’t work on Sean, the actually hot one

though I did notice the last time he was shirtless that while he’s still hot, he’s getting a little less defined in the ab region than he has been


oh jeez

they’re playing a song

while operating on the fat woman


since overall he’s aging much hotter than christian


with the lyrics “Fat mama! Come on and dance with me!”

nip/tuck is so literal


oh so sensitive

I know that’s why we love it though

like it’s not enough that Matt is ridiculous, nay, he is an actual clown


yeah they’re both saggy, which doesn’t really work for this show

b/c of their profession

is this show making us shallow?


yeah, clearly those actors need to go under the knife for integrity

I feel like julia is

as long as we’re only shallow while we watch nip/tuck it’s probably ok

if you ever judge my muumuu and side boob in real life though


oh kimber


we’ll know it’s a bridge too far


she feels now that christian has fucked a fat woman

she has license to get fat




so she’s eating Cherry Garcia for the “first time”

god it must suck to be a skinny bitch



kimber in a fat suit!!!!

being fucked from behind!

by christan!


pausing midway

to go get two spoons

and fudge sauce


kimber’s thinness is partially surgically maintained

you’d think she’d eat ice cream all the time

and that’s sort of amazing

though I never want streaky brown matter to make an appearance while I’m boning

but to each their own, I know that’s something you gays enjoy


ok this is a very fantasy sequence heavy nip/tuck




sean is now in a leave it to beaver like fantasy

with his barbie client


I was hoping it was time lapse reality

does she want, in the parlance of hedwig, a barbie doll crotch?

or just a barbie doll chest?


i guess just the chest

although it’s a slippery slope i’m sure


I guess you can never get a true barbie/ken lower half unless catheters are involved



you ARE a socerer

sean has a barbie doll crotch!


don’t worry, I”ll use my powers for good


that whole sequence was nutty even for nutty nip/tuck

“Christian told me about blow jobs at work”

“You mean putting your penis in my mouth? Isn’t that….sex?”


please tell me it’s a macnamara/troy bejammer


if only

god christian is so easily phobic

one homoerotic shower and he’s punching dudes

one fantasy sequence of fat kimber and fudge sauce

and he’s kicking the fat lady out of the office


heh yeah nip/tuck definitely subscribes to the idea that phobias are based in desire

it reminds me of the scene in big love

when someone is like “he wanted to take one of my wives”

and it cuts to one of the scary compound ladies


“Look I’m not stupid, and I’m not blind….I’m just a gorgeous sexy woman trapped in a fat person’s body”

um, what?


with her 19th century hair and dowdiness

heh, right, I mean, love the skin you’re in lady

you can be a gorgeous sexy fat lady

see Winfrey, Oprah, Latifah, Queen



boobs can be on tv

if the nipples are removed by special effects



I want that even less


apparently the nipple is what makes it dirty

never mind that men’s nipples are on tv all the time

lady nipples are only for filthy pervs

it’s like transubstantiation


in what way?

please explain religious scholar

parade of naked fat men!




in the office

“What are you doing in here?” says fat lady

“Saving your beautiful ass!”

says one of the fat naked men

why are they naked

maybe i missed something…


I just meant that man nipples and lady nipples are the same, unless magical designation makes them different

is she being saved by feeders?

are they there to tell her to love the skin she’s in?

are the fat men, essentially, you and me, the viewers in muumuus at home?



maybe we’re meant to be roused to rip our muumuus off and parade into plastic surgery offices


it seems a little cold for that


“Chemo…well that could be the best diet ever right?”

that’s….looking on the bright side


too bad we don’t live in LA

dude, that’s what my grandma said to my mom


holy fuck you have to be joking


at least your double mastectomy made you look thin



does your grandmother write for nip/tuck


her mom, quite a prize


that is the best gig insensitive people can aspire to


she also gave me a necklace for my birthday and said it was too cute to pass up even though it would get lost in my rolls


case in point….christian walking in on kimber puking up her binge fest: “you’re pathetic!”


like, I mean, other than my boobs, I don’t think I have anything on my upper chest that qualifies as a roll


wow she should submit her resume

based on those two comments alone


is kimber bulemic or is the cherry garcia just not sitting well since she usually doesn’t eat?


maybe the cherry garcia isn’t sitting well with the entire pepperoni pizza resting on top

also that’s gotta be a tiny stomach




ha, seriously


I always wonder that about skinny people actually

like, i love them

but how do their organs fit into such a limited space?

apparently organs are much smaller than I thought


maybe their puny skinny person organs


and more of me is made up by lumps of cherry garcia and pepperoni than I want to admit


my organs are big and beautiful!

just like my ass!


my liver is just incredibly buff and bulky


ok ken is gay now

actually his name is skip




(i mean we always knew that about the doll, so makes sense)

but he’s gay

b/c sean slept with barbie


not earring magic ken?

that’s so strange


which somehow gave him the freedom to admit he’s gay

and bring in his new lover (that was quick)

for calf implants


Barbie to Sean “I love your Malibu beach house. Even if it could use a little color.”


because like, the nipples that he wanted removed was the only commonality between a  man and a lady

clearly sean needs to make it bright pink

with a pink corvette parked outside


yeah all that pink really worked out well with her last man…


bwah good point

sad, I wanted julia and sean to get back together


oh no, barbie is christian and kimber’s play thing apparently

sean went to bed with the hooker

that christian hired

out of apparent pity

ooooo the hooker’s blackmailing them in the next episode according to the previews


didn’t kimber learn about threesomes when her relationship with jonathan kent/bo duke went south?


god sean can’t even find a hooker to fuck that won’t destroy his life

he really should keep it in the pants for a while

you mean ram peters?


yes I always forget that name and am always delighted