Posts Tagged ‘Melrose Place’

Walker Family Planning

March 9, 2010

A while back doostyn and I were talking about tv (quelle surprise!) as we noted that the Melrose Place apartment complex would be a perfect place from which to run a polygamous compound. Each sister-wife could have her own apartment and there would be that lovely pool to share, and besides, the residents of the ‘place sleep around so much that they might as well be in Juniper Creek.

It was a joke, but the season finale of Big Love was chock full of Melrosian plots.

JJ is extremely creepy, even for JJ. He’s keeping Adaleen in a drugged stupor after pumping her full of Wanda’s eggs so he can make “pure” (read: incest) Walker babies. Creeeeeeeeeeepy. But it makes even more sense that his creeeeeeeepy family referred to Adaleen last week as a “vessel” as opposed to a “mother.”

The best JJ part is when he’s telling one of the compound kids a story and it goes like this: “And after the end of days we’ll have our pick of all the beautiful homes. We’ll buy ’em for pennies on the dollar, drag out the dead bodies, and we get the house!”

Marilyn, the Amanda Woodward of Big Love, turns on the waterworks to manipulate Bill for reasons I can’t quite understand but am yet sure are AWESOME. For most of the episode Bill (and the viewers) think Marilyn leaked Bill’s knocked up “mistress” Ana, but it turns out it was Barb! (!!!!!) But that doesn’t stop Marilyn from taking advantage and passing the move off as her own glorious omnipotence. Oh Bill. When are you going to understand that literally every woman you know is smarter than you?

Nicki flips her shit and suggests they change the Bill-sharing arrangement before spilling that she loves Bill more than Margene and Barb and doesn’t want to share him. It’s shocking and amazing. It seems in the first season Nicki was the one least invested in Bill as a person (though closest to understanding the “principle) but now she’s the only one who seems to really want to be married to him, since Margene has confessed to Ana that she’s attracted to that creeper Goran (how gross was it when he slid his hand up her thigh in the citizenship interview last week? Eeeeeeeew) and Ana is basically all “I love him, and I love you, and it’s nice when we’re allllll together.” I just want to take Margene out for a decaf tea and tell her she deserves a man of her own.

Nicki is on fiyah this episode. When Ana comes to confront Bill about the Margene/Goran divorce and it comes out that Margene is lying to everyone Nicki bitches: “Myyyyyy what a tangled web, Margene.” So bitchy! And she’s all: “I never said I hated the baby! Just that the baby was a big mistake! And heavenly father got rid of Ana because he realized that particular spirit baby wasn’t meant for us.” I’m sure that will make the kid feel a lot better. “It’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that you’re a huuuuuuuuuuge mistake.” And then when she’s trying to figure Wanda out she’s like, “Do you know me? Is your name Wanda? Are you a zebra?” It’s awesome, except that poor, traumatized Wanda nods yes to everything. Poor, poor Wanda.

In other egg news, Margene offers her egg to Nicki for IVF but she’s totally disgusted and calls Margene a tramp, which is… pretty mean. I bet by the end of the episode she was looking at Margene’s egg as not the worst fertility suggestion she had all day. I love these women all so much, and it makes me sad that they can’t get along, even though that’s pretty much Bill and his gross patriarchal religion’s fault. But I guess I can’t see them being friends and hanging out if they weren’t all married to the same dude. That awkward convo draws to a close when Don’s son throws a brick through the window because he’s pissed that “our lives are effing ruined!” I love these swears. (Later Barb is all “I don’t want to hear your gee dee testimony.”)

Bill says he’s sorry, but I don’t believe him. Bill basically wants to do whatever he wants, and wants everyone to love him while he does it, which is just… not always possible. I love Don, he’s so sweet to Bill even though Bill effing ruined his life by making him take the fall for cooking the Home Plus books. Maybe Margene should marry Don. She’s not a lesbian, and we all know she has an enormous sex drive, so it would be an upgrade for him, but it looks like she’s leaving one polygamous household for a younger, hotter version (so like a dude, Marge).

So the tensest plot of the episode is when Betty Draper’s brother (and JJ’s son) calls to tell Nicki she’s pregnant, but it’s just so he can lure her to the compound. Wanda finds her voice in the nick of time to tell Bill that JJ has tricked Nicki. The whole implantation scene is horrifying. Nicki’s voice gets all slurry from the drugs Betty Draper’s brother has injected in her. JJ is all “I borrowed something from our daughter to help reunite our loving family.” Oh. my. God. He wants to shoot her up with Cara Lynn’s eggs. That’s just… so disgusting, I can’t even handle it. Albie won’t help Bill find Nicki at first because he’s not dealing well with the death of his beloved, Dale.

Adaleen saves the day, bashing JJ’s creepy wife over the head and escaping from her hospital bed and then confronting JJ about putting Wanda’s eggs in her. She stabs him with medical scissors, unshackles Nicki and they book just as Bill shows up. It’s fucking fantastic, and really well acted, but tell me that plot isn’t straight out of Melrose? Especially when Adaleen ties JJ and his creepy wife up and lights the building on fire.

Bill and Nicki make me cry a little when she cries in his arms that she just wanted to give him another baby and be a good wife because “that’s the way it is.” And he says, “That’s not the way it is with us.” Oh Bill. Just when I get fed up with you, you do something that reminds me that, given your upbringing, you’re a really good person, even if you still have some effed up beliefs.

Marilyn learns from the Flutes that Bill is a polygamist, they’re pissed because he turns them in for drug trafficking. (Sidebar: the first time the Henrickson’s referred to “the Flutes” I thought they were using a racist slang term for Native Americans not having noticed it’s their last name. Nice overreaction, self.) Marilyn tells Bill what we’re all thinking– his religion is a cover for fooling around.

Barb and Bill have a very emotional scene where she asks him why they’re coming out, because she’s always given her consent, but she doesn’t understand. Bill tells her it’s important that they show that polygamists aren’t perverts and con men. At her urging he tells her that stepping into the light is the way to redeem himself for all the horrible things he’s done this four seasons. And Barb breaks. my. heart. saying: “I want a different life, I think. I’ve needed you for twenty years. I don’t think I need you anymore.”

Nicki cuts her hair, severing her connection to the compound and the Walkers as Barb looks on, conflicted. She might not need Bill, but I think she genuinely loves him and her sister wives, but it’s still devastating when Bill wins the election, and announces he’s a polygamist introducing his wives. First Nicki, then Margene, and finally, Barb, “My first wife, my first love, Barbara Henrickson.” Barb hesitates, and then joins him onstage. The camera pulls back showing the four onstage, holding hands. The family is together, and gorgeous, but no one looks happy. Oh, Bill.

No More Trains to Baghdad, Please

February 2, 2010

Last Train to Baghdad 2 6×20

The second installment was actually much more boring than the set-up.

Sam foolishly consults with Jennifer about her crush on Jeff Baylor. Jennifer advises her to indulge her crush, since it will probably pass, but obviously Jennifer has an ulterior motive. We see a Jo-esque photo shoot involving Jeff throwing shoes in the air. Why? Who knows! So they go on a date to Jeff’s favorite pizza place where everyone fawns all over him, since apparently he made a park for the little leaguers. Sam gets a wettie, and I crave pizza.

Meanwhile, “Christine” makes a toast to Kyle and Amanda at their rehearsal dinner at Taylor’s bitchy behest, but she ends up running off in tears, mid-speech. Kyle inspires that in me too, “Christine.” In other failing relationships, Lexi hears the incriminating tape and ends up leaving Peter, putting a crimp in Megan and Coop’s relationship.

Kevin Federline makes a deal with Michael that he will take care of his “legally challenged” friends in exchange for a few hundred dollars and some referrals. Later on K. Fed comes in with a friend named Paulie with a gunshot wound. Michael tries to call the paramedics to take Paulie to the ER, but K. Fed pulls a gun on him to get him to deal with it personally. Michael tries to back out of their deal but K. Fed assures him that he will “learn to appreciate” him. Having seen the rest of the season, I can assure K Fed, it isn’t so.

Megan comes to meet Michael because she’s lonely, I think, and some random people hold them at gunpoint, but K. Fed intervenes. Michael thinks he set it up, whether or not that’s true is unclear.

Wedding time! Amanda’s wedding dress is INSAAAAANE. It has a plunging neckline and fur collar. I long for PETA to splash her with paint at the altar. Taylor gives Amanda a picture of her and Kyle on their wedding day for her something old. Something borrowed is her husband. On the way out the door: “By the way—your dress is hideous.” Love their feud. Also, Taylor’s a little bit right.

Kyle is running late to his wedding because he found “Christine’s” suicide note, that she’s going to “catch that train” and end everyone’s suffering. He calls Amanda to ask her to stall, but she is not having it, which I love. She’s just like, “Call the cops or something.” “Christine” is sitting in her car on the tracks. Again, why? This seems like a huge risk for a con. Kyle pulls her out of the car and she tells him she loves him.

Jennifer, proving the adage that you can’t scheme schemer, tells Sam that the suicide has ploy written all over it. Sam shares that she and Billy haven’t boned (excuse me, made love) in weeks. Hurrah! Jennifer advises she restrict her Jeff actions to flirting.

Nick shows up to “Christine’s” hospital room and they bone in the hospital bed. Comfy! “Christine” also bitches that it was a close call. Yes… again, seemingly too risky, but what do I know. Also, I would soooo rather hook up with Nick than Kyle, but I’d probably take secret option three: neither.

Last Train to Baghdad: Part 1

January 29, 2010

Last Train to Baghdad: Part 1 (Melrose 6×19)

The climax of Melrosian lady stupids and Shakespearean mistaken identities. Kyle notices that “Christine” “doesn’t look the same.” That’s because she’s a completely different person! She says she had years of facial reconstruction, but for reals? These two were supposed to be in love. How can you not recognize the person you were in love with isn’t the same person?

On a slightly related note, I just watched The Hurt Locker last night (which was awesome and should win best picture at the Oscars) which makes the Baghdad flashbacks even worse in comparison. Also, Evangeline Lily (Kate from LOST) is in it, which brings things around to the topic of cons again.

“Christine” (and Taylor’s) con here is sort of difficult to work out, since “Christine” literally tells Kyle to go away because “they said it all seven years ago.” So the plan depends on him not listening to her. I guess I’m not crafty enough to plan out this sort of thing, which is probably a relief to my friends and family.

Sam and Billy are fighting about how she’s cheating on him with the equally bland baseball STAR Jeff Baylor. If you’re going to cheat, at least cheat up, don’t just pick a Billy clone. They make up when she returns, and there’s a gross implication that there will be make up sex. Happily for me, they have another fight about changes to campaign and the sexin’ is forestalled.

“Everything to Everyone” by Everclear is the song that leads us into the episode. I remember liking this song in high school although it is one of those songs that seems to say something specific when it’s really utterly generic. Oh no, this girl is a people pleaser! She tries to make people like her! How deserving of your scorn! (My favorite of these is Ani DiFranco: “You look like a picture of yourself taken from far, far away.” No really? You look like a picture of yourself? How strange! Illusion of depth over total shallowness.)

“Christine” shows up at Amanda’s place. Maybe this plan isn’t as stupid as I thought. She asks Amanda to talk to Kyle with her because they both need closure. So Kyle and “Christine” have lunch and he’s all “I can’t get over how different you look.” IT’S BECAUSE SHE’S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON KYLE!!!! Although, she has a Kimberly Shaw style enormous scalp scar. Melrose ladies are so lucky (um or not, on further reflection) they never get scarred on the face, just under their hair. And naturally their locks are full and long enough to cover it completely. Or I guess in the case of Kimberley they have amazingly realistic wigs. (JJ of Big Love take note! No need to keep your wife in a wig from a “Katy Perry” Halloween costume.) But what happened here? Did Taylor and Nick run a personals ad seeking a gorgeous woman who could conceivably look like some other woman who also has a massive head scar?

Amanda mysteriously has no friends, even though she’s the most awesome person in the ‘Place, so she has to ask Sam to be her maid of honor. Gross. I’d rather she asked Allison, at least she might get trashed and say something horriblelarious in the manner of Billy’s mom to Sam at their wedding.

Oh man. Then this happened: Michael takes care of this guy from the hood who gives him an idea—start an urgent care facility. He talks like Kevin Federline and it’s painfully obvious that the writers have never even driven through the bad parts of town. “You fell into a goldmine when you met me, Doc. You play your cards right—you might just stake a claim.” That last part is sort of hissed in a semi-menacing way, but what? Menacing gang members who talk in Wild West prospector metaphors?

Jennifer begs Billy to reprise his role as Craig, and Sam is weirdly all into it, she’s practically throwing Billy at her, which, I know we hate Billy, but Sam isn’t supposed to!

Peter goes to confront Lexi’s father while wearing a wire so that she will understand that her Dad sucks and is against her being with Peter. But oops, Dad has an aneurysm and dies just after Peter makes what sounds like a threat. Well, that should go well. There’s seriously so much going on in this pair of episodes, I don’t know why it isn’t the season finale.

Michael proposes that his mom invest in “The Mancini Medical Center” his new urgent care facility. Mama Mancini sticks a wet noodle on the fridge and says: “You have until this linguini hits the floor to convince me.” Ah Italians, always using pasta to make major life choices. Mama mia! That’s a spicy-a pepperoni!

Peter lies to Lexi about what was going on with her Dad and says they were making nice. Unfortunately for him, Megan finds the tape in his jacket pocket when she’s looking to transcribe his notes, so she hears him be all, “You’re losing your grip Tom, be careful or you might fall.” Incriminating! And fitting so well with the Melrose Place theme that this collection of felons is only ever falsely imprisoned.

Michael shows the lady Mancinis his clinic, which looks really nice, other than some half-hearted PG graffiti, but they act like they’re in Compton. Kevin Federline shows up, unnerving Michael but tells Michael that the street needs to see them shaking hands because it means they’re “in bidness.”

The sexing between Billy and Sam looms again, and Mama Mancini sees them making out and bursts into their apartment and punches him! It’s awesome. Way to do what we all long to, Mama Mancini! So Jennifer has to come clean about Craig having killed himself, which weirdly Mama Mancini is totally fine with.

Tuck and Patti are playing the jazz club this episode, which means nothing to me, but is apparently pleasing to Doostyn and Kathy Griffin. I’m learning so much about the smooth jazz stylings of the 90s. “Christine” shows up having decided to attend Kyle and Amanda’s wedding. Tuck and Patty play Kyle and Christine’s song “You Take my Breath Away.” But how did Taylor know it was their song since this isn’t the real Christine? Maybe Nick knew?

In what I initially thought was a flashback, Kyle and “Christine” are having a candlelit dinner for two. I don’t care how cool and not jealous Amanda is, surely this is too far! You should never prohibit your partner from hanging out with an ex but you don’t have to let them go on dates together, jeez louise.

Kyle’s Flashbacks, Amanda’s Legs, and Lexi’s Vague Understand of the Law

January 14, 2010

In episode 6×16, “Kyle of the Desert,” Kyle has flashbacks to his time serving with ol’ war buddy Nick in Iraq (this being in Gulf War Part One: The Skirmish). Kyle was in love with a woman, Christine, who, I’m sorry to say, was afflicted with “lady stupids” (LS), a tragic ailment which is the number one reason why women shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the military– symptoms include blowing up themselves and their tanks while trying to get closer to their boyfriends! Even if said menfolk are screaming “No noooooo stay right there!!!!” LS is fatal in nearly 100% of cases, if not for the lady, then for the man.

So Nick, who was injured in the blast ends up having to inform Kyle that Christine died. (Or DID she? She did.) Kyle cries about how much he loved her, which is why we’ve heard him talk about her all this time. Oh wait no, this is the first time. In the present day, Kyle wakes up, goes to his old war memories trunk that he keeps in the laundry room (don’t know why) and looks at pictures of the three musketeers.

Meanwhile Amanda is getting it straight from Dr. Burns. No not that way…. yet (I hope).

Peter: Well the swelling hasn’t gone down as much as I’d hoped, but there’s still a good chance with time.
Amanda: Can the optimism. I’m sick of hearing it and I’m sick of forcing it. I want the worst case scenario, and I want it now.
Peter: Ok. Worst case is you’ll never walk again, which would mean a wheelchair. But given recent laws, it shouldn’t slow you down one bit.
Amanda: So forget the steps to my apartment driving my car, dancing.
Peter: This is all about attitude, there’s no reason you can’t live a normal life in every way.
Amanda: No matter how you put it, it just… really sucks.
Peter: Which is why fighting back is the only option that makes sense. If you’ll excuse my optimism.

I don’t know what these “new laws” Peter talks about entail, but I haven’t exactly heard from people with disabilities that it’s just easy peasy adjusting to life with a disability. This is a tricky conversation, because Peter is saying one thing that is really right: disability does not have to be a tragedy but he’s ignoring the fact that society is still pretty unaccommodating, and I can’t imagine it’s useful to have your doctor sugarcoat things and tell you your life will be identical to what it was. And if Amanda were, realistically, going to end up using a wheelchair long term what she’d have to fight is her fear of and prejudice against disability, not the disability itself, if in fact her situation were truly irreversible.

Bob, the guy Lexi hit with her car, informs Peter that he keyed Lexi’s car to determine its true color (because that’s a totally reasonable thing to do) and he knows it was Lexi. He demands that Peter break up with Lexi so he can “have her for myself.”

Number one rule of Melrose, Bob: don’t scheme a schemer. (Number one rule of feminism, on the other hand, don’t think of or speak of women as objects to be had.)

The next morning Lexi complains to Bob about Peter spending so much time with Amanda, and then Peter comes out and they have a fight about Amanda and jealousy. Bob’s plan is working! (Or is it? It’s not.)

Taylor comes to Amanda’s hospital room and her usual hilarious Taylor self. First she shrieks when Amanda opens her eyes and said she thought she was dead. People sleep a lot in hospitals, Taylor, your body is really good at fixing itself when you sleep. Then she demands to know if Amanda is going to die, since it affects Taylor’s plans re: Kyle. Clas.sy. Then talk, naturally, turns to Kyle’s sudden mood swing. Because women must always be talking about men. The capper to this scene is when Amanda asks Taylor if Kyle ever called out the name Christine. Taylor obliges Amanda by imitating the way Kyle would call out “Taylor.” Never change, Taylor.

Lexi comes to the hospital and confront Peter who has set up a candlelight dinner for Amanda (who is in physical therapy so doesn’t see it). Peter “admits” that he loves Amanda and Lexi slaps him and dumps him, and Peter tells Bob that Lexi is “his.”

Coop teases Lexi about being with a new dude and comments to Michael that “people around here trade lovers like baseball cards.” That’s what I said!

Sometimes I feel like the writers room is just a deck of cards with the male characters and deck of cards with the female characters and they draw one from each and get them together.

Peter confronts Amanda about her decision to transfer to a distant rehab facility, and Amanda, who I know is supposed to seem strong and heroic actually sounds pretty self-loathing and upsetting when she says: “You said you’d know in a few days if the feeling would return in my legs well it’s been a lot longer than that and there’s no change. So I’m not going to lie here and let Kyle and everyone else turn their lives upside down. I’ll disappear, I’ll do the therapy and if I don’t get my legs back, I just won’t come back…. Kyle still has a chance with his life, it’d be a lot better life without me in it.”

Happily for me, Peter tells her that’s something she really should discuss with Kyle, but it’s all couched in the language of pity, self pity, and cowardice and blah blah blah stereotypes.

Lexi confesses to Bob, and says she’s going to turn herself in, and he agrees to go with her and tell the police to drop the charges. I’m not really sure that’s how it works, after all there’s a reason it’s generally like Such and such county vs. Lexi Lastname– it’s in more people’s interests than just Bob that Lexi doesn’t get high and run down the homeless.

Naturally, it turns out, it was Lexie and Peter’s plan all along that Bob drop the charges, and they totally make out in front of him.

The greatest dialogue of the episode?

Bob: I loved you!
Lexie: I know. Sorry I had to use that against you, but that’s what happens when you delude yourself and try to hurt people.

Such a femme fatale line! I love Lexie. Lexie, Taylor, and Amanda are the best thing about this show in season six. (Miss you much, Kimberley Shaw!)

Peter tells Kyle about Amanda and he intervenes telling Amanda she can’t go, because he made that mistake once before, in that super serious, profoundly influential relationship that he’s only ever talked about in this episode in the context of Amanda’s tragic plane crash. He asks Amanda to marry him and she agrees. Taylor tries to interfere, telling Amanda about the Vegas sexing but Kyle already told her because he trusts her.

Amanda gets the second best line of the episode: “Everyone gets one great love in their life, and I’m sorry that you’re not Kyle’s and I am. But, as they say, that’s just too damn bad.”

The concept of the great love on a soap is a strange one, since freshness seems to demand re-pairing people often, although I feel that lots of shows today are shying away from that and keeping couples together longer. It’s interesting, because I am definitely of the opinion that a person can have more than one great love in their life, but tv characters always feel the need to rank it, which just makes them seem like they have amnesia. Doesn’t Amanda remember being head over heels for Peter and saying nearly identical things?

Does Mad Men Take Its Cues from Melrose Place?

January 8, 2010

Consider:

Both Amanda and Don are concealing a secret past: Don’s as Dick Whitman, and Amanda’s marriage to Bobby Jack Parezi. [Bobby was Jack’s blackmailing brother, duh Gnatalby.]

Both start their own advertising firms by stealing clients from their employers.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you saying, but where else would a show about an ad exec go except to them starting their own firm?

Well, then consider episode 6×15, in which Amanda’s crashed helicopter is found. Peter tells Kyle that Amanda may never walk again and he’s all: “No!!! No, that’s one of the worst possible outcomes for someone like Amanda!”

It’s so “Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency!”

Maybe it’s just a sign that we haven’t come that far in terms of disability since the 1960s… which is pretty depressing.

Naturally Amanda is sure the disability will be overcome by force of will. Le Sigh.

If You Kill Amanda Woodward, I’ll be Pissed

January 4, 2010

In episode 6×14, “To Kill a Whirleybird,” Kyle, Taylor and Taylor’s lips go to Vegas to “win back” money to save the club (but really Taylor stole it when Kyle was passed out drunk in order to have the opportunity to go to vegas with him and romance him).

Peter nearly drowns the hobo Lexi ran down who is skulking around the marina, being the fine human beings they are, they’re more concerned about what he knows and how to keep his trap shut than with his welfare. (Primum non nocere is definitely not Peter’s motto.)

Connie continues to scheme to win over Sam and tells Billy all about this “amazing” birthday party Sam threw: “Sam has always been a birthday fanatic. For my 21st she had this whole teen doll theme [???????] she had dolls… tons of little outfits… and of course, tons of tequilla.”

Wow. What a great party… for an adult.

Doostyn: Ew, that sounds frightening. That sounds like me puking all over creepy dolls and pleading with you repeatedly to go get me some pepto while you roll your eyes.
Gnatalby: The me in your mind is really mean. Sadly I think it’s based on past behavior.
Doostyn: Oh it’s not so bad really. Just the time you made me cry in Barnes and Noble, the time you shamed me on the bus for drinking out of a nipple, the time you handed me over to palestinian militants, and the pepto ordeal.

Only most of those things are true. I’ll leave it to you, gentle reader, to discern which.

So the McBrides are doing well at the gambling tables, and the hotel offers them a high roller suite. Taylor and the lips are immediately all: “That’s so nice of you, isn’t that nice honey? Just one more thing. Make sure there’s plenty of unblended scotch. And I’ll need… oysters… and other sensual foods to eat, you know?”

The important point about this dialogue is that it’s very Jane Mancinian, in that Taylor is over-pronouncing each syllable like it’s the first time she’s said anything while making eyes as big as the ones on Connie and Sam’s dolls. (Evidently lesbian relationships are unspeakably perverse.)

Speaking of Connie! Billy comes home trashed from his birthday party and he and Connie have a beer which leads to kissing on the couch. I wish I could do a screencap, but for some reason it always crashes my media player, because there is this moment where Billy is making the most hilarious pre-kiss face. His mouth is hanging open like my dearly departed late Guinea Pig Chiclet and then he just goes for it, tongue already sticking out pre-lip contact. Gross. So, naturally, Connie blabs to Sam that Billy made a pass at her. Which you know, she’s manipulative, but it’s also completely true! He did make a pass at her.

Sam confesses it all to Amanda who says it’s “surprising.” Is it though? I mean, Amanda has intimate knowledge of Billy, you’d think she’d know he’s not “the most perfect and sensitive guy.” Though she does tell us that men are like dogs– even though most behaved will hump any leg it gets a hold of. Someone should stitch that on a pillow. Anway, Connie’s ex Charlie shows up…. and Charlie’s a lady! SHOCK (well, not really). Billy seems oddly smirky and relieved at this, even though, as noted above, this doesn’t solve the problem of how Billy put the moves on Connie.

Kyle decides to forgive Amanda, which pisses Taylor off as she’s all “That witch only cares about herself and I only care about you!” Um, and Peter, remember when that happened? Amanda tells Kyle where he can shove it and she and Sam board a helicopter to do some scouting, which I’m pretty confused about, because they’re in advertising…?

Taylor pretends she won back the money, and she and Kyle bone amidst the pile of bills. Romance! But, unfortch for Taylor, Amanda’s helicopter goes down thank to a malfunction of the red goo valve. (Seriously, I don’t know, but red good starts gushing up out of cracks in the ‘copter.) Naturally the pilot dies and Amanda thinks her back is broken but Sam is fine, apart from being stranded, and Amanda’s cell phone isn’t in range. Later Amanda almost dies, but Sam does CPR. Too bad she doesn’t know about “Stayin’ Alive” because she just counts and begs “Come on Amanda!” I have a longstanding gripe with how often CPR works on tv (doesn’t work that often on adults in the absence of hospital equipment folks), but it’s not like I want Amanda to die, she’s the best part of Melrose!

Kyle wakes up in his dirty sex bed and turns on the news to find out about the crash. Taylor, a model of sensitivity, is all “I’m sure she’s fine. She probably just stopped to sharpen her claws on a tree somewhere.” (I had to listen to this line four times to figure out what she said.) Surprisingly, Kyle is not feeling amorous after this and informs Taylor it was the last time EVER. Sure Kyle. Maybe your mouth shouldn’t write checks your dick has no intention of covering.

Jenny Juggs

November 6, 2009

Nip/Tuck this week was hilarious. Christian meets a stripper at his usual strip club, apparently, who is “just his type.” The woman has ENORMOUS breasts that are allegedly natural, but they look like the boobs Selma Blair had as Ursula Udders in A Dirty Shame. Jenny, evidently, is a “feminist,” but I don’t think that word means what you think it means. In this case, it means that Jenny exacts vigilante justice on men who offend her by punching them with her breasts or breaking their phones and Halloween pumpkins. The least ludicrous thing about this is that it seems like that should hurt her.

In the end, she goes to Troy/MacNamara to have them reduced and sort of loses her mind since her boobs, apparently, were her whole identity, which used to be what bugged her and now suddenly doesn’t? I don’t know.

Teddy Roe’s story possibly comes to a close when threatens to institutionalize Annie and then drugs the MacNamaras with roofied s’mores (must try that) and tries to murder the family but instead almost gets murdered by an opera listening, wine drinking, perseids watching, camping serial killer. It’s possibly she does get killed off-screen, but Melrose Rules apply– no one’s dead until the head is separated from the body. Meanwhile, since Annie is a friend of Ana and Mia and she wakes up in time to rescue the fam from carbon monoxide poisoning.

I love that Nip/Tuck is so amoral that the lesson of this episode is: “You’re right to hate your stepmother even if she seems to be doing everything right, and anorexia will save your life. Plus you can’t scheme a schemer.”

Aim Higher, Marissa Cooper; audience of O.C.

September 20, 2009

Doostyn: “I am not going to use my alcoholism as blackmail to save my marriage”
I feel like the o.c. has gotten a little nutty, i’m watching the end of the 3rd season.
Gnatalby: Heh. Yeah, the OC’s fall from grace is remarkably fast.
Doostyn: Everyone is just being a fucking idiot all the time to create drama. I hate when soaps create dramatic tension that way. Like i kind of like it when melrose does it, but that’s b/c melrose is bad, so i’m watching it expecting that. The o.c. is good and well written, it’s sad to see it like this.
Gnatalby: I know. it’s crazy. Do you recognize kaitlyn cooper? She was jenny humphrey’s friend agnes, the model who burned her crap.
Doostyn: Oh i didn’t notice that. I think you told me that though. She wasn’t on very many eps this season. Is she back for the 4th?
Gnatalby: Yes. She’s like… ambiguously evil. Like SLAT, which is a comparison you never want to have made, the OC has a hard time being consistent about how popular its characters are. Like, kaitlyn at one point is like: “Now that marissa is gone, I will rule the school!” And I’m like, “Expelled alcoholic trailer trash dating marissa ‘ruled the school?'”
Doostyn: Yeah what school? Harbor? Marissa was pretty unpopular there. I hate kirsten now too. She’s just irritating, and I used to like her.
Gnatalby: But wasn’t she hilare drunk at caleb’s memorial?
Doostyn: Yeah i liked drunk kirsten. But recovering alcoholics are never as good as their previous selves.
Gnatalby: I liked that julie’s plan to off caleb was poisoned margars.
Doostyn: Even julie is boring now, dating summer’s dad. Uh oh, ryan atwood is about to get in a fight, surprise surprise.
Aaaaand punch number one. Ooo furniture breaking! (he’s beating up… worschack is it?)
(trashy guy who stole prom after party money from taylor)
Gnatalby:I thought it was volchak, but I could totally be wrong.
Doostyn: Oh is worshack like on some other show from the 70s?
Gnatalby: I kind of forget what all happens
Doostyn: i think that might be my confusion
Gnatalby: It’s funny because at some point the kids all arrange for marissa and ryan to bone, allegedly for the first time, and I was like “Uh… whaaaaaaat?” Like, the fact that the kids on the show treat marissa and ryan as the super couple when clearly summer and seth are better is just baffling.
Doostyn: Yeah marissa and ryan are not a great couple. Like i don’t even care what breaks them up any more. summer and seth breaking up at the end of season 3 b/c of the college acceptance non acceptance thing was sort of dumb and obvious and tore them apart for no reason, but i was way more compelled than by the numerous times ryan’s fists go a-flailing for marissa’s honor.
Gnatalby: Totally
Doostyn:I think a lot of it is because marissa sucks
Gnatalby: I loathe her so much
Doostyn:But mischa barton is at least a terrible actress, so it can be fun to watch.
Gnatalby: and I can’t believe she’s the star of another show. Who watched the OC and thought: yes, she can carry a show.
Doostyn: Yeah what show is that? Something about models…
Gnatalby: the beautiful life
Doostyn: Yeah i am not going to watch that b/c it has her. I think lots of fans of the o.c. would feel the same way.
Gnatalby: The only thing to love about marissa is her alcohol problem.
Doostyn: When she prevented the rape in the van at volchak’s party i was like “ok, that’s cool,” but then when she broke up with him she was like “I always wanted to be a disney princess” or some bullshit… rather than “Some guys were going to rape a girl at your party douchenozzle.”
Gnatalby: Oh no, it’s better than that… she says she wants to be Liesel and have a guy like Ralph, who is, BTW a NAZI.
Doostyn: Oh yeah!!! Sound of music! Hahhahahha, I didn’t even think of that.
Gnatalby: Like, way to aim high.
wait… who was trying to rape whom?
Doostyn: Some random dudes were trying to rape some random drunk floozy and friend of volchak’s named heather i think after an all day party where marissa wakes up drinking a beer (which is also kind of awesome).
Gnatalby: Totally. I love tv alcoholics though sometimes I become concerned by how little they drink, compared to say, us. But not on the OC, where kirsten coolly drinks like 8oz of vodka at a time. Like allison on the ‘place, kirsten should look into mixers.
Doostyn: Bree drinks a fair amount i guess, according to lynette’s shame parade of her bottles. Although in that scene i remember being like “How much time do those bottles cover…” which then made me think “is that the normal reaction most people have or do they just think, yep, a CLEAR alcoholic.”
Gnatalby: Heh, right. I mean, IIRC it was like, 12 bottles, which didn’t seem thaaat bad to me. Unless it was like, two days. But if it was like, a couple of weeks?
Doostyn: Ok time for vh1 divas. i’m glad paula abdul is able to embarrass herself on anther venture
Gnatalby: Some show recently featured a paula abdul dream sequence involving paula being surprisingly harsh. Unless I dreamed that…. why can’t I remember? oh, right, drop dead diva. thank god I didn’t make that up. all my tv runs together
Doostyn: Oh god she’s a mess. There are men carrying her up stairs which is not a dance move. just laziness/
Gnatalby: That’s like my 21st b-day. And every subsequent birthday.
Doostyn: and she was lurching like a mad/drunk/pilled up woman towards the crowd. I was a little frightened she was going to plunge into them.
Gnatalby: Awesome. Maybe it’s best that paula leaves the walking to others.
Doostyn: yeah she’s really good at being carried. She should stick with it. Ok so she’s like “I’m paula abdul and THIS IS NOT AMERICAN IDOL!!!!” Then immediately follows with: “I’m so proud of MY kelly clarkson. and MY jennifer hudson. and MY jordin sparks.” and then: “I practically breast fed them!”
Gnatalby: Who is proud of jordin sparks?? And HA. Can you imagine what would happen to you if you breast fed from paula?
Doostyn: The jonas brothers are proud of getting beejamers while on tour with jordin sparks in the erotica i write. You would be so high. It might be nice. I’m not saying i would drink paula abdul’s breast milk, but i might consider a synthetic version.

You Heard it Here First: Michael Mancini Drinks the Blood of Virgins

September 18, 2009

Michael has been all over tv lately, and the dude is looking deeeeelicious. He’s obviously on the new Melrose, and he plays Rebecca Logan’s cheating senatorial father on Greek. Michael explains friendship to Rebecca in what I can only hope is a callback to Melrose (but I’m only up to season 5’s first half) but it certainly seems like it could be:

Michael: I had a best friend once. But I lured him into a Ponzi scheme and bankrupted him and then I slept with his wife. I was a bad man Becky.

Doostyn saw MM on some daytime show and apparently he attributes his good looks to yoga. But I think we ALL know there is a supernatural element.

The Steven Carrington Institute for the Treatment and Study of Ffffff…. Not Going to Type That

July 23, 2009

We at the boozetube are going back in Heather Locklear time to the virgin (to our eyes) series Dynasty. What a difference a decade (and a half) makes. The show seems so olde tyme, with its orchestral wilde weste theme sound and concern with oil politics.

This series if of particular interest to me, since it premiered in the year of my birth, 1981.

First impressions: Where is Amanda Woodward? I would follow her to the ends of the earth (except maybe to TJ Hooker) so I’m jonesing for my fix of cunning, timeless blonde ambition and beauty. Fortunately for me, there’s Fallon.

Sidebar: What is up with these names? Krystle? Fallon? I guess it really was the eighties, and these people are total nouveau riches. Krystle isn’t even rich at all, but by marriage.

ANYWAY. Back to Fallon. Fallon has, and I’m not lying, gorgeous hair. Everyone else is teased to the rafters in the 80s style we would come to embrace, but Fallon has total 1970s poet hair. It’s brunette, just below her shoulders and curls at the end. SO PRETTY. It is exactly how I imagine my hair when I picture myself accepting my grammyoscarpulitzerpresidentialnomination. She’s also vicious, spiteful and SMART. In episode two she schools politician Jeff (who looks SO MUCH like Quentin the Carver from Nip/Tuck that I thought it was the same actor, at first) about oil politics, and while it’s a little republican for my taste, she is clearly the person who knows the most about the business, far more than her brother Steven.

Steven, as we learn in the first episode, is a practitioner of the love that dare not speak its name. (Don’t worry Steven, only ca20 years to LOGO!) His father does not understand and thinks it’s all about his son’s anger toward his father, saying, hilariously: “Steven, I’m about as freudian as you could hope for [people hope for that?] in a capitalist exploiter of the working classes. When I’m not busy grinding the faces of the poor I even read a little. I understand about sublimation, I understand how you could try to hide sexual dysfunction behind hostility toward a father. I am even prepared to say that I could find a little homosexual experimentation acceptable. Just as long as you didn’t bring it home with you. Don’t you see son? I’m offering you a chance to straighten yourself out!”

Steven protests that he probably can’t, and moreover doesn’t want to “straighten himself out.”

Elder Carrington: “Of course, I forgot, the APA has decided it’s no longer a disease. That’s too bad, I could have endowed an foundation. The Steven Carrington Institute for the Treatment and Study of Faggotry!”

Perhaps you haven’t actually read enough, I might suggest.

That said, he has a total cheesecake shot of his son on his desk. The lad is climbing a tree, ass perkily pointed at the camera while looking coquettishly over his shoulder. Seriously? No clue?