The Mother-Daughter Dance


The “action” of this week’s SLAT was the Mother-Daughter dance. Even the show knew it was a failure… the only person dancing was Blossom (who is like, seconds from toppling her boobs out of that sad Rodarte for Target looking dress)!

The rest of the tunage was Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” on repeat until Blossom both rips off Mean Girls and compares high school to Holocaust. It’s basically the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen on tv. Apparently the lesson of the Holocaust is that girls should be nicer to each other and that women have the power to end all wars.

Godwin's Law! Godwin's Law!

Then everyone does the hora. Hey, it’s like dances at my high school!

The condom drama continues. Riddle me this: Amy is a huuuuuuuge slattern who is obviously open for business all over town for having one condom (and, hello! She’s already been teen pregnant once, that shit’s just prudent) but Ashley has a whole dedicated condom cozy but no one blinks twice at that shit. I carried a condom in my purse and had one in the car for 3 years before I ever had sex. Sometimes girls who worry over prepare!

I thought we were going to have a revelation that Madison’s mother isn’t really dead based on this conversation:

Lauren’s Mom: That dead parents club, has given her a really great place to vent. She and Jack started a club for kids whose parents are… dead who need a place to vent. They meet all the time!
Madison’s Step-mom: That’s not true, that can’t be. They might be meeting but it’s probably not about dead parents, it’s probably about sex. Oh I don’t think there’s a real club called that.
Lauren’s Mom: The dead. Parents. Club. Yeah.
Madison’s Step-mom: No, I don’t think Madison would be in anything like that.
Lauren’s Mom: Madison is having sex?
Madison’s Step-mom: Well… kind of?

Doesn’t it sound like Madison’s mom isn’t really dead? If that happens, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. (I don’t know how that would square with last week’s heart to heart, but if Madison’s step-mom thinks having sex means you aren’t still grieving, then how does she explain the popularity of funeral sex?)

Grace is mooning over Ben, and S.S. Officer Adrian disregards this and pledges to fuck Ben to spite Amy because Amy *might* be having sex. I am annoyed, because Adrian is right to be suspicious of Ricky, but I’m kind of surprised that she’s dicking over her best friend like this, but I’m team Gradrian for life.

Amy: Nothing’s wrong with me. Something’s wrong with Jimmy. And with Ben. And with any other guy that doesn’t like me.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

You hear that, doostyn? Something is wrong with you. Amy is just ludicrously unself-aware. Everyone hates you and your only redeeming quality is your shiny hair.

Everyone in this town needs to stop saying “I love you” in pizza. Unless they’re going to send me a pizza too. Don’t bring pizza unless you’re going to share with the whole class. And stop ruining cribbage for me, Ben.



One Response to “The Mother-Daughter Dance”

  1. The SLAT Custody Battle is no Kramer vs. Kramer is All I’m Saying « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] Doostyn says: It would be excruciating to date on that show. You’d have to gossip with your parents– and possibly other people’s parents– about every kiss and fondle, and the school counselor would call you in and you’d be like “Aaaagh what is blossom doing here” and then she’d say your date was a disaster of genocidal proportions so she’s making you go to th….” […]

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