Archive for April, 2009

Chief Foreign Hottie

April 30, 2009

Just saw Richard Engel (chief foreign correspodent for NBC News and best known to the Booze Tube as a frequent guest on The Rachel Maddow Show) on last night’s Colbert Report, and I have to shout my feelings to the world (you are reading this blog, aren’t you entire world?) because I can’t contain them.  I have a strange crush on this man.  Like I get all smiley and red just from his appearance on my tv.

On the surface it would seem to make sense because he’s conventionally good-looking, except I’m not sure he’s really my physical type.  He’s a little masculine (I’m usually a fan of pretty boys with angular faces) and has a cigarette-ad-dude-with-beaming-white-smile thing happening.  But it works!  He translated Stephen Colbert’s send-off into Arabic and was so very congenial and happy about the whole thing.  What gets me is how weirdly upbeat he seems when reporting about seriously scary shit going down in troubled areas of the world.  He clearly enjoys his work and knows of what he speaks.  (Also he looks best when standing in front of imminent global danger all wind-swept and in a beige standard-foreign-correspondent-issued vest and obviously getting off on the thrill of it all…because he’s a naughty boy who likes danger I’m sure…gah! I want to be his exotic foreign hooker!)

I suspect him to be a dorkus malorkus, an unusually gorgeous one at that.  That is a rare and hot commodity.  Gnatalby, help me name more members of this wondrous subset of humanity.

Let Me Soap That Up for You, Chuck Bass

April 29, 2009

Gossip Girl was really in top form last night, and for 2 major reasons:

1.) The incredibly hot love triangle action between Blair, Chuck, and Nate seems almost back in full force.  On an earlier post I said I loved Blair and Nate being back together, without an important qualification:  their romance (Blair’s and Nate’s) is best when tempted by that devil himself (and serious candidate for hottest person alive) Chuck Bass.  Blair and Chuck are the hottest couple on the show, but I don’t want them together because one of my favorite dramatic thrusts of the show is their perpetual chase; also, Blair being with Nate is what makes her happy because he is her princely desire of a trophy for her arm…and anything that happens between her and Chuck is exponentially naughtier when she’s involved with Chuck’s best friend.  So good.

2.) Sudsy soapy plots are here!  Makes sense, with this being probably our best contemporary weekly soap.  I feel like this season we’ve lost sense of that, with so many plot lines devoted to characters who were so boring and inconsequential that they (both the characters and the plot lines) were quickly written out of the show (Blair’s boyfriend of royalty, the exciting-in-theory hot-for-teacher plot that was wasted by being given to forever conscience-stricken Dan, Chuck’s super lame Eyes Wide Shut-like plot).  There have been hopeful flashes of those necessary soapy suds this season….remember when Bart Bass died only to be followed by the news that Lily and Rufus had a baby way back when?  Riveting!  I demand to be further riveted.  And the return of Georgina (who apparently is willing to sacrifice her Christlike behavior for Blair’s benefit) and investment fraud plot both look promising.

Oh, and total aside.  Is it just me or is Jenny slowly but surely taking her look to scary conclusions?  Will it bcome full-on Jersey hooker, or no-holds-barred Motley Crue groupie?  Either way she needs to match the look by developing a coke habit.  But then we risk the possibility of a Jenny-centric “very special episode.”  That is not the kind of soapy suds I require.

See you in the the Funny Papers, Kid

April 28, 2009

Hot breaking last week’s news, Bea Arthur died on Saturday.

Part of my grown-up televisional voraciousness is due to the fact that I wasn’t allowed to watch tv as a kid, so I actually missed out on seeing Ms. Arthur in action, although the few times I saw Golden Girls on Nick at Nite (lodging a spelling protest) I definitely laughed out loud. A lot.

I have so much admiration for the women who give me a wordless refutation to the oft repeated (generally by douchebags) cliche that women, categorically aren’t funny.

Really? Because just off the top of my head I can think of dozens of hilarious women (seriously in no particular order): Bea Arthur, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Becki Newton, Dorothy Parker, Lucille Ball, Jennifer Coolidge, Elizabeth Banks, Janeane Garofalo, Molly Shannon, my friend Claire (okay, she’s not famous so maybe this doesn’t count), Amy Sederis, Rachel Maddow, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radnor, Lily Tomlin, Nancy Cartwright, Vanessa L. Williams, Bernedette Peters, Sarah Vowell, Niecy Nash, Judith Light, Jane Austen, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, and this humble blogger, to name but the first two dozen that came to mind.

People who say “Women aren’t funny” are giving us a valuable bit of information about themselves: they don’t believe that women are properly people just as people who say “Mexicans are lazy” have managed to deceive themselves. We are, all of us, worthy of individual evaluation.

So thank you, Bea Arthur for being your wonderful self, for being one of the best in the world men think of as their own.

Working on my Night Cheese!

April 27, 2009

What a coincidence that last night when I curled up in my slanket to watch last week’s 30 Rock I myself was eating night cheese! Although really, any night, literally any night 30 Rock chose to bring up night cheese would have found me consuming the stuff. So maybe coincidence is less the right word than “sobering mirror held up to sad reality.”*

Inquiring minds do want to know what causes a Filipino’s throat to close up quickly, and I make up my mind that if I ever share an erotic evening with my darling Kenneth Ellen Purcell I’ll cancel the strawberries and invest in the hill people milk instead.

No judgment in brainstorming!

*I lied, it wasn’t sad at all. It was cheese from Paris brough over by the kilo by a good friend of the booze tube.

The trauma unit is hoppin’ tonight…

April 25, 2009

Previously on One Tree Hill, 57 car accidents…

A couple years ago I added OTH to my already packed tv schedule during a hiatus.  Once I pick up a show I rarely put it down again, no matter how bad it gets, unless something (like a writers’ strike) makes me forget about it existing at all. (Sorry Heroes.) The shows that most often make me regret this decision are Lost (I’m ready for some answeres now…) and OTH.

Still before the brief hiatus they advertised the final five episodes of the season with a riveting promo showing a car accident, Lucas and Brooke crying in the hospital, and deadly serious promo guy intoning something about how Tree Hill would never be the same after some shocking events.

I think we need rules like Europe has about advertising.  If you can’t make your show interesting, you can’t make your promo interesting.  (I feel the same way about cliffhangers– just write a good show and I’ll be back, god.)

Basically, Peyton is in Tree Hill’s 97000th car accident, but this one is a mere fender bender, and Lucas and Brooke were just crying about information we already knew about Peyton’s mystery pregnancy endangering medical condition.

Then some boring crap happened with Sam and Jack, but honestly, I don’t care about anyone living in Tree Hill under the age of 20.  I don’t need a cast of thousands, I just need solid writing for a small core of characters.

/rant

What are you trying to tell us, Oprah?

April 24, 2009

Her Majesty regarding the reattachment of John Wayne Bobbit’s penis:

“…that’s a medical miracle!”

Despite being kind of rude to say in front of guest Lorena Formerly-Bobbit, who was trying to describe the cycles of physical and mental abuse she received at the hands of her ex-husband/forever-not-normal-penis-haver and the mental state she was in while chucking the weenie out the window when Orpah interrupted to say she wished she could interview the guy who found the penis, this quote might also reveal a trend.  See below post to draw your own conclusions, but I swear Oprah had the same weirdly inspired look on both episodes.

My theory (and clearly the most sensical):  Oprah’s going to give her audience laboratory-grown attachable penises on her next Favorite Things show.  “YOU get a penis, and YOU get a penis…!”

I get jokes!

April 23, 2009

Marge Simpson on a rerun of The Simpsons:

“When Virginia Woolf wrote ‘Every woman needs a room of one’s own’ she MUST have been talking about the kitchen.'”

Thank you Simpsons, for being one of the few if not only television programs that would even attempt a joke like this.  I drank that whole bottle of wine in your honor…retroactively.

Oprah’s going to give you every inch of her love

April 22, 2009

OPRAH PENIS!

I was rudely confronted with this image during my lunch hour today.  Oprah was (street) walking down memory lane on today’s episode, and she thought she’d share some of her most terrifying moments (I think it was something more like “most memorable guests” but my theme is way more apt).

Jenny Boylan, author of the book She’s Not There and a post-transitional transsexual, is really responsbile for originating this train of thought, but Oprah so did not help things.  Oprah, our reliable clueless American rube stand-in confronted with all things “weeeeeeeeeeird” (which, honestly, has to be an act sometimes….what is this like transsexual guest #47 for you now Oprah?) , asks Jenny something along the lines of “Why did you have to have a vagina?”  To which Jenny, awesomely, responds “How would you feel if you had a penis Oprah?”  Oprah gives blank thoughtful face.

The viewer starts to recover from that brutal attack of thought rape when, cut to present-day Oprah with the same creepy think-y face.  Why won’t she let us live in peace?  Why, Oprah, do you then say “I really was thinking about what it would be like to have a penis.”   We know you were!  We were too!  It was mortifying.  Please, it’s getting awkward grandma, put your top back on.  (Aren’t you sometimes embarassed by Oprah like she’s a crazy family member?)

So, now that I’ve passed along the horror, try to think about it but not in that way you prurient sicko.  What would Oprah with a penis be like?  Would Oprah be controlled by her penis and join the evil patriarchy?  Or would she change all penises with her womanly love and upbeat better life book club shit?  Maybe a Be a Better Penis Day would result.  

Ok now just think about how it would look.  Gross, huh?

Baruch ata ado… ay dios mio!

April 21, 2009

As Gossip Girl says. Ahem.

We have only one question about last night’s GG: Why are S, L, R, and everyone else on the UES such assholes? This was a religious service! And where was C’s douchebag son A? I guess it’s pretty boring to be the only sobor one at seder.

You know you love us,

xoxo.

Gossip Shiksa

April 21, 2009

Poor Cyrus Rose…why can’t he get through his damn seder without all these annoying gentiles interrupting with their personal drama?  Serena is now confirmed to be one of the worst people ever (seriously, ruining someone’s religious ceremony because you can’t stand that you may have accidentally married a Disney-prince-come-to-life in Spain?  Lame!).

I love Blair and Nate being back together.  Notice how this episode was Vanessa-free?  Notice how your eyes and ears didn’t bleed profusely (a little bleeding is expected since Serena and Dan were together again for like 5 minutes, even if it was a ruse)?  Also, I fully support more Blair as various Audrey Hepburn characters.  Totally works for me.  (Go ahead, mock her cockney accent, I admit it was fairly atrocious….but I bet Blair’s singing voice would not have to be dubbed over with Marni Noxon’s!  Snap! Love you Audrey, kisses should you be monitoring blogs from beyond the grave.)

Lily’s the best.  “All shopping leads to shoe shopping!”  She always gets what she wants.  So why is she with a dingbat like Rufus.  (I actually sort of like the idea of them together, but he begat Dan and Jenny…two unforgivable begat-ments.  Also, why would you sell your livelihood when trying to get your son into an expensive college?  Lily talk some sense into this former Gin Blossom-ish rocker!)

Oh, Chuck Bass.  Bored of where the ladies are biting?  I can think of so many places to bite you.  Maybe if you watched your own show more often you’d turn gay.  That’s what happened to me!

Looks like we have some Georgina to look forward to next week.  I hope it’s an interesting and possibly plausible storyline this time, or else so ricockulous as to be deliberately laughable (maybe Georgina can reveal Serena was responsible for the market crash because her immense slut-itude distracted those responsible for financial industry oversight.)

 

xoxo

Sloppy Drunk