Archive for the ‘Melrose Place’ Category

That Friendship Does Sound Toxic

March 21, 2010

“What makes you think that I would ever be friend with you? I mean Look at what you have done to me: I mean you’ve stolen my chief of staff job twice ; you’ve drugged me, you’ve cheated me, you’ve betrayed me, you almost had me committed to an institution because of rage epilepsy attacks that you created– I mean how much do you think a guy can take?”

The incomparable Peter Burns to Michael Mancini in the season six finale. I love when characters recap the craziness of this show. Also rage epilepsy makes me think of Summer from the OC and her rage blackouts.

“I’m on my way to the Caribbean right now and I’m this close to landing one hell of a cash cow. I don’t care if it’s a mixed metaphor it’s money!” –Amanda’s sleazy boyfriend/fiance Rory. Rory is rarely a good name for a dude. Oh course she met him through Lexi, it’s all so east coast country club, except he’s a con artist, obviously. His proposal is pretty great: “You and I are two of kind: you love money, so do I; you hate people, so do I.”

Forget it Amanda, I’m going to marry him.


No More Trains to Baghdad, Please

February 2, 2010

Last Train to Baghdad 2 6×20

The second installment was actually much more boring than the set-up.

Sam foolishly consults with Jennifer about her crush on Jeff Baylor. Jennifer advises her to indulge her crush, since it will probably pass, but obviously Jennifer has an ulterior motive. We see a Jo-esque photo shoot involving Jeff throwing shoes in the air. Why? Who knows! So they go on a date to Jeff’s favorite pizza place where everyone fawns all over him, since apparently he made a park for the little leaguers. Sam gets a wettie, and I crave pizza.

Meanwhile, “Christine” makes a toast to Kyle and Amanda at their rehearsal dinner at Taylor’s bitchy behest, but she ends up running off in tears, mid-speech. Kyle inspires that in me too, “Christine.” In other failing relationships, Lexi hears the incriminating tape and ends up leaving Peter, putting a crimp in Megan and Coop’s relationship.

Kevin Federline makes a deal with Michael that he will take care of his “legally challenged” friends in exchange for a few hundred dollars and some referrals. Later on K. Fed comes in with a friend named Paulie with a gunshot wound. Michael tries to call the paramedics to take Paulie to the ER, but K. Fed pulls a gun on him to get him to deal with it personally. Michael tries to back out of their deal but K. Fed assures him that he will “learn to appreciate” him. Having seen the rest of the season, I can assure K Fed, it isn’t so.

Megan comes to meet Michael because she’s lonely, I think, and some random people hold them at gunpoint, but K. Fed intervenes. Michael thinks he set it up, whether or not that’s true is unclear.

Wedding time! Amanda’s wedding dress is INSAAAAANE. It has a plunging neckline and fur collar. I long for PETA to splash her with paint at the altar. Taylor gives Amanda a picture of her and Kyle on their wedding day for her something old. Something borrowed is her husband. On the way out the door: “By the way—your dress is hideous.” Love their feud. Also, Taylor’s a little bit right.

Kyle is running late to his wedding because he found “Christine’s” suicide note, that she’s going to “catch that train” and end everyone’s suffering. He calls Amanda to ask her to stall, but she is not having it, which I love. She’s just like, “Call the cops or something.” “Christine” is sitting in her car on the tracks. Again, why? This seems like a huge risk for a con. Kyle pulls her out of the car and she tells him she loves him.

Jennifer, proving the adage that you can’t scheme schemer, tells Sam that the suicide has ploy written all over it. Sam shares that she and Billy haven’t boned (excuse me, made love) in weeks. Hurrah! Jennifer advises she restrict her Jeff actions to flirting.

Nick shows up to “Christine’s” hospital room and they bone in the hospital bed. Comfy! “Christine” also bitches that it was a close call. Yes… again, seemingly too risky, but what do I know. Also, I would soooo rather hook up with Nick than Kyle, but I’d probably take secret option three: neither.

Last Train to Baghdad: Part 1

January 29, 2010

Last Train to Baghdad: Part 1 (Melrose 6×19)

The climax of Melrosian lady stupids and Shakespearean mistaken identities. Kyle notices that “Christine” “doesn’t look the same.” That’s because she’s a completely different person! She says she had years of facial reconstruction, but for reals? These two were supposed to be in love. How can you not recognize the person you were in love with isn’t the same person?

On a slightly related note, I just watched The Hurt Locker last night (which was awesome and should win best picture at the Oscars) which makes the Baghdad flashbacks even worse in comparison. Also, Evangeline Lily (Kate from LOST) is in it, which brings things around to the topic of cons again.

“Christine” (and Taylor’s) con here is sort of difficult to work out, since “Christine” literally tells Kyle to go away because “they said it all seven years ago.” So the plan depends on him not listening to her. I guess I’m not crafty enough to plan out this sort of thing, which is probably a relief to my friends and family.

Sam and Billy are fighting about how she’s cheating on him with the equally bland baseball STAR Jeff Baylor. If you’re going to cheat, at least cheat up, don’t just pick a Billy clone. They make up when she returns, and there’s a gross implication that there will be make up sex. Happily for me, they have another fight about changes to campaign and the sexin’ is forestalled.

“Everything to Everyone” by Everclear is the song that leads us into the episode. I remember liking this song in high school although it is one of those songs that seems to say something specific when it’s really utterly generic. Oh no, this girl is a people pleaser! She tries to make people like her! How deserving of your scorn! (My favorite of these is Ani DiFranco: “You look like a picture of yourself taken from far, far away.” No really? You look like a picture of yourself? How strange! Illusion of depth over total shallowness.)

“Christine” shows up at Amanda’s place. Maybe this plan isn’t as stupid as I thought. She asks Amanda to talk to Kyle with her because they both need closure. So Kyle and “Christine” have lunch and he’s all “I can’t get over how different you look.” IT’S BECAUSE SHE’S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON KYLE!!!! Although, she has a Kimberly Shaw style enormous scalp scar. Melrose ladies are so lucky (um or not, on further reflection) they never get scarred on the face, just under their hair. And naturally their locks are full and long enough to cover it completely. Or I guess in the case of Kimberley they have amazingly realistic wigs. (JJ of Big Love take note! No need to keep your wife in a wig from a “Katy Perry” Halloween costume.) But what happened here? Did Taylor and Nick run a personals ad seeking a gorgeous woman who could conceivably look like some other woman who also has a massive head scar?

Amanda mysteriously has no friends, even though she’s the most awesome person in the ‘Place, so she has to ask Sam to be her maid of honor. Gross. I’d rather she asked Allison, at least she might get trashed and say something horriblelarious in the manner of Billy’s mom to Sam at their wedding.

Oh man. Then this happened: Michael takes care of this guy from the hood who gives him an idea—start an urgent care facility. He talks like Kevin Federline and it’s painfully obvious that the writers have never even driven through the bad parts of town. “You fell into a goldmine when you met me, Doc. You play your cards right—you might just stake a claim.” That last part is sort of hissed in a semi-menacing way, but what? Menacing gang members who talk in Wild West prospector metaphors?

Jennifer begs Billy to reprise his role as Craig, and Sam is weirdly all into it, she’s practically throwing Billy at her, which, I know we hate Billy, but Sam isn’t supposed to!

Peter goes to confront Lexi’s father while wearing a wire so that she will understand that her Dad sucks and is against her being with Peter. But oops, Dad has an aneurysm and dies just after Peter makes what sounds like a threat. Well, that should go well. There’s seriously so much going on in this pair of episodes, I don’t know why it isn’t the season finale.

Michael proposes that his mom invest in “The Mancini Medical Center” his new urgent care facility. Mama Mancini sticks a wet noodle on the fridge and says: “You have until this linguini hits the floor to convince me.” Ah Italians, always using pasta to make major life choices. Mama mia! That’s a spicy-a pepperoni!

Peter lies to Lexi about what was going on with her Dad and says they were making nice. Unfortunately for him, Megan finds the tape in his jacket pocket when she’s looking to transcribe his notes, so she hears him be all, “You’re losing your grip Tom, be careful or you might fall.” Incriminating! And fitting so well with the Melrose Place theme that this collection of felons is only ever falsely imprisoned.

Michael shows the lady Mancinis his clinic, which looks really nice, other than some half-hearted PG graffiti, but they act like they’re in Compton. Kevin Federline shows up, unnerving Michael but tells Michael that the street needs to see them shaking hands because it means they’re “in bidness.”

The sexing between Billy and Sam looms again, and Mama Mancini sees them making out and bursts into their apartment and punches him! It’s awesome. Way to do what we all long to, Mama Mancini! So Jennifer has to come clean about Craig having killed himself, which weirdly Mama Mancini is totally fine with.

Tuck and Patti are playing the jazz club this episode, which means nothing to me, but is apparently pleasing to Doostyn and Kathy Griffin. I’m learning so much about the smooth jazz stylings of the 90s. “Christine” shows up having decided to attend Kyle and Amanda’s wedding. Tuck and Patty play Kyle and Christine’s song “You Take my Breath Away.” But how did Taylor know it was their song since this isn’t the real Christine? Maybe Nick knew?

In what I initially thought was a flashback, Kyle and “Christine” are having a candlelit dinner for two. I don’t care how cool and not jealous Amanda is, surely this is too far! You should never prohibit your partner from hanging out with an ex but you don’t have to let them go on dates together, jeez louise.

Mama Mia Mancini

January 21, 2010

Offensive Ethnic stereotype watch! In “Mama Mia” Melrose 6×18, Mama Mancini is coming to visit, apparently directly from life on The Sopranos or her vacation at the Jersey Shore.

This episode makes me happy as the opening song is Dance Hall Crashers, “Lost Again.” Let’s take a dance break and remember the late 90s….

That was fun!

Within one minute of her arrival in LA, Mama Mancini is offering homemade cannoli and demanding to see Dean Martin’s house. (“Ma, he’s dead.” “He will always be alive to me.” followed by bursting into song.) Then when she finds out Michael is in jail (assault at a strip club) she bursts into angry Italian, which is just weird, since there’s no indication she’s a first-generation immigrant. At least she doesn’t seem to have mob ties.

The cops call Jennifer to tell her that they found her car and inside, a dead Craig. Jennifer is upset for a Planck second but Michael talks her out of it, telling her suicide is both an act of cowardice and an act of aggression aimed at Jennifer, which I sort of agree with, since he stole her car and shot himself in it. The indignity continues as Jennifer never seems remotely upset about the death of her “love” again. Emotional vampires indeed.

Jennifer passes Billy off as a Craig in a courtyard interaction with Mama, and tries to claim that Craig won’t be joining them for dinner (true!) but the Mancinis run into Billy at Kyle’s and Jennifer is typically sensitive when she takes him aside to enlist his sneaky help.

Jennifer: Billy– I am in a terrible jam. Craig is dead and if my mother finds out.
Billy: He’s dead?
Jennifer: It’s awful. He committed suicide on some beach in Santa Barbara in the front seat of my car.
Billy: I know he had problems… Maybe I should have done something. He was a friend. He was my best man.
Jennifer: I’m feeling guilty too, poor kid, but I don’t have time for that right now because my mother is going to go nuclear on me if you don’t sit down with us and pretend to be Craig.
Billy: That’s morbid, no.
Jennifer: Oh Billy I’m begging you, I am desperate, I will do anything you ask, anything if you just do this one thing for me.
Billy: You know I’m drunk.
Jennifer: Like I said, I’m desperate.
Billy: Well, it’s not like I’m having dinner with Sam… okay.

Right… because Sam was the part that made this appalling.

On their return to the place, Billy drunkenly Craigs at Mrs. Mancini: “Did I tell you that I was married once? It only lasted 15 minutes, but it was a beautiful marriage. There was really no fighting or bickering, no baseball players… Before you go, I want you to know why it was only minutes and not years I want to tell your mom this, this is very important. I believe very strongly in the institution of marriage, love and loyalty, fidelity… all that stuff…”

Jennifer macks on Billy for her mother’s benefit, but it quickly turns into a real make out. Billy is like “Whoa I’m drunk.” True! Sadly, this will not stay contained to boozy times. These two are totally going to hook up, and there’s nothing you or I can do about it.

Baby When We’re Grinding, I Get So Excited

January 18, 2010

Melrose Place 6×17: Coop De Grace

This episode is particularly notable in light of Melrose Place 2009, but most of the action centers around Kyle and Craig, which sounds like it would be really terrible and boring, but is actually ok.

Kyle keeps having dream flashbacks to mushy emo times with Christine, who’s all “You’re the first man I ever really loved.” Unlike most boyfriends, Kyle is dumb enough to believe that.

Kyle and Amanda reveal their engagement to Peter, who does not flip out. He leans over to hug Amanda and she feels “pressure” on her leg.

Paralysis over!

Taylor breaks into old war buddy Nick’s house to learn about Christine. Also to get a drink. ‘Atta girl. Then Taylor and Nick inexplicably have sex, even though they hate each. Why? People around here trade lovers like baseball cards. The dialogue is so slashy it kills me.

Nick: All right we had sex, what do you want?
Taylor: I bet you really miss kyle.
Nick: Man saved my life. Never thought you or anyone could come between us. Now look at me, lying in bed with his wife.
Taylor: Well I’m his ex-wife, for now, I wish there was some way I could help you two be friends again. Maybe it would help make up for all the mistakes I made.

Nick tells Taylor that Christine is still alive, but that she was disfigured and made him promise to tell Kyle she was dead. This is my second time viewing this, and I find this confusing in terms of later events. Apparently Christine really is dead, and the “Christine” who will be showing up imminently really is a fake. But if that’s true, then why have her live through the explosion anyway? My lady brain is confused!

Taylor comes back to find Amanda having collapsed on the floor after a purse-hooked-on-chair caused pratfall. I only mention is because of Taylor’s super-bitchy “Gawwwwwd you’re heavy.” Heh. I’ve seen Amanda, that seems unlikely.

Meanwhile, in Craig! Stanford Blatch tells Jennifer Mancini that the heart valve will kill people, she tells Craig and Craig responds, in so many words, that he will murder her if she tells anyone. She does tell, and in a scene I’d forgotten, he comes to her apartment to try to kill her, but Billy intervenes, fore-shadowng Melrose love. I feel like these people are all just trauma bonded to one another.

Then! Craig steal Jennifer Mancini’s car, holding her at gunpoint: “Sydney was right! You’re all a bunch of emotional vampires!”

Craig drives out into the desert and cries, all: “Couldn’t do it Syndey, I couldn’t do it without you. I screwed up everything and I miss you so much. I just want to hold you again. I just want to be with you again.”

And then Craig shoots himself. It’s extra pathetic when you consider that new Melrose contends that Sydney faked her death with the help of Michael Mancini, for what reasons I am as in the dark as anyone. So Craig just killed himself for the love of a woman who couldn’t stand being with him enough that she pretended to die. This may be the most pathetic death ever on Melrose Place, and is coming close to the most undignified tv death of all time– when Dawson’s dad’s ice cream plopped off the cone and he went to scrape it off the floor and died in a fiery crash from taking his eyes off the raod. Why was he picking up the ice cream? Was he going to eat it? Off the floor? There’s no 5-second rule for wet foods!

Kyle’s Flashbacks, Amanda’s Legs, and Lexi’s Vague Understand of the Law

January 14, 2010

In episode 6×16, “Kyle of the Desert,” Kyle has flashbacks to his time serving with ol’ war buddy Nick in Iraq (this being in Gulf War Part One: The Skirmish). Kyle was in love with a woman, Christine, who, I’m sorry to say, was afflicted with “lady stupids” (LS), a tragic ailment which is the number one reason why women shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the military– symptoms include blowing up themselves and their tanks while trying to get closer to their boyfriends! Even if said menfolk are screaming “No noooooo stay right there!!!!” LS is fatal in nearly 100% of cases, if not for the lady, then for the man.

So Nick, who was injured in the blast ends up having to inform Kyle that Christine died. (Or DID she? She did.) Kyle cries about how much he loved her, which is why we’ve heard him talk about her all this time. Oh wait no, this is the first time. In the present day, Kyle wakes up, goes to his old war memories trunk that he keeps in the laundry room (don’t know why) and looks at pictures of the three musketeers.

Meanwhile Amanda is getting it straight from Dr. Burns. No not that way…. yet (I hope).

Peter: Well the swelling hasn’t gone down as much as I’d hoped, but there’s still a good chance with time.
Amanda: Can the optimism. I’m sick of hearing it and I’m sick of forcing it. I want the worst case scenario, and I want it now.
Peter: Ok. Worst case is you’ll never walk again, which would mean a wheelchair. But given recent laws, it shouldn’t slow you down one bit.
Amanda: So forget the steps to my apartment driving my car, dancing.
Peter: This is all about attitude, there’s no reason you can’t live a normal life in every way.
Amanda: No matter how you put it, it just… really sucks.
Peter: Which is why fighting back is the only option that makes sense. If you’ll excuse my optimism.

I don’t know what these “new laws” Peter talks about entail, but I haven’t exactly heard from people with disabilities that it’s just easy peasy adjusting to life with a disability. This is a tricky conversation, because Peter is saying one thing that is really right: disability does not have to be a tragedy but he’s ignoring the fact that society is still pretty unaccommodating, and I can’t imagine it’s useful to have your doctor sugarcoat things and tell you your life will be identical to what it was. And if Amanda were, realistically, going to end up using a wheelchair long term what she’d have to fight is her fear of and prejudice against disability, not the disability itself, if in fact her situation were truly irreversible.

Bob, the guy Lexi hit with her car, informs Peter that he keyed Lexi’s car to determine its true color (because that’s a totally reasonable thing to do) and he knows it was Lexi. He demands that Peter break up with Lexi so he can “have her for myself.”

Number one rule of Melrose, Bob: don’t scheme a schemer. (Number one rule of feminism, on the other hand, don’t think of or speak of women as objects to be had.)

The next morning Lexi complains to Bob about Peter spending so much time with Amanda, and then Peter comes out and they have a fight about Amanda and jealousy. Bob’s plan is working! (Or is it? It’s not.)

Taylor comes to Amanda’s hospital room and her usual hilarious Taylor self. First she shrieks when Amanda opens her eyes and said she thought she was dead. People sleep a lot in hospitals, Taylor, your body is really good at fixing itself when you sleep. Then she demands to know if Amanda is going to die, since it affects Taylor’s plans re: Kyle. Then talk, naturally, turns to Kyle’s sudden mood swing. Because women must always be talking about men. The capper to this scene is when Amanda asks Taylor if Kyle ever called out the name Christine. Taylor obliges Amanda by imitating the way Kyle would call out “Taylor.” Never change, Taylor.

Lexi comes to the hospital and confront Peter who has set up a candlelight dinner for Amanda (who is in physical therapy so doesn’t see it). Peter “admits” that he loves Amanda and Lexi slaps him and dumps him, and Peter tells Bob that Lexi is “his.”

Coop teases Lexi about being with a new dude and comments to Michael that “people around here trade lovers like baseball cards.” That’s what I said!

Sometimes I feel like the writers room is just a deck of cards with the male characters and deck of cards with the female characters and they draw one from each and get them together.

Peter confronts Amanda about her decision to transfer to a distant rehab facility, and Amanda, who I know is supposed to seem strong and heroic actually sounds pretty self-loathing and upsetting when she says: “You said you’d know in a few days if the feeling would return in my legs well it’s been a lot longer than that and there’s no change. So I’m not going to lie here and let Kyle and everyone else turn their lives upside down. I’ll disappear, I’ll do the therapy and if I don’t get my legs back, I just won’t come back…. Kyle still has a chance with his life, it’d be a lot better life without me in it.”

Happily for me, Peter tells her that’s something she really should discuss with Kyle, but it’s all couched in the language of pity, self pity, and cowardice and blah blah blah stereotypes.

Lexi confesses to Bob, and says she’s going to turn herself in, and he agrees to go with her and tell the police to drop the charges. I’m not really sure that’s how it works, after all there’s a reason it’s generally like Such and such county vs. Lexi Lastname– it’s in more people’s interests than just Bob that Lexi doesn’t get high and run down the homeless.

Naturally, it turns out, it was Lexie and Peter’s plan all along that Bob drop the charges, and they totally make out in front of him.

The greatest dialogue of the episode?

Bob: I loved you!
Lexie: I know. Sorry I had to use that against you, but that’s what happens when you delude yourself and try to hurt people.

Such a femme fatale line! I love Lexie. Lexie, Taylor, and Amanda are the best thing about this show in season six. (Miss you much, Kimberley Shaw!)

Peter tells Kyle about Amanda and he intervenes telling Amanda she can’t go, because he made that mistake once before, in that super serious, profoundly influential relationship that he’s only ever talked about in this episode in the context of Amanda’s tragic plane crash. He asks Amanda to marry him and she agrees. Taylor tries to interfere, telling Amanda about the Vegas sexing but Kyle already told her because he trusts her.

Amanda gets the second best line of the episode: “Everyone gets one great love in their life, and I’m sorry that you’re not Kyle’s and I am. But, as they say, that’s just too damn bad.”

The concept of the great love on a soap is a strange one, since freshness seems to demand re-pairing people often, although I feel that lots of shows today are shying away from that and keeping couples together longer. It’s interesting, because I am definitely of the opinion that a person can have more than one great love in their life, but tv characters always feel the need to rank it, which just makes them seem like they have amnesia. Doesn’t Amanda remember being head over heels for Peter and saying nearly identical things?

Does Mad Men Take Its Cues from Melrose Place?

January 8, 2010


Both Amanda and Don are concealing a secret past: Don’s as Dick Whitman, and Amanda’s marriage to Bobby Jack Parezi. [Bobby was Jack’s blackmailing brother, duh Gnatalby.]

Both start their own advertising firms by stealing clients from their employers.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you saying, but where else would a show about an ad exec go except to them starting their own firm?

Well, then consider episode 6×15, in which Amanda’s crashed helicopter is found. Peter tells Kyle that Amanda may never walk again and he’s all: “No!!! No, that’s one of the worst possible outcomes for someone like Amanda!”

It’s so “Guy Walks Into an Advertising Agency!”

Maybe it’s just a sign that we haven’t come that far in terms of disability since the 1960s… which is pretty depressing.

Naturally Amanda is sure the disability will be overcome by force of will. Le Sigh.

If You Kill Amanda Woodward, I’ll be Pissed

January 4, 2010

In episode 6×14, “To Kill a Whirleybird,” Kyle, Taylor and Taylor’s lips go to Vegas to “win back” money to save the club (but really Taylor stole it when Kyle was passed out drunk in order to have the opportunity to go to vegas with him and romance him).

Peter nearly drowns the hobo Lexi ran down who is skulking around the marina, being the fine human beings they are, they’re more concerned about what he knows and how to keep his trap shut than with his welfare. (Primum non nocere is definitely not Peter’s motto.)

Connie continues to scheme to win over Sam and tells Billy all about this “amazing” birthday party Sam threw: “Sam has always been a birthday fanatic. For my 21st she had this whole teen doll theme [???????] she had dolls… tons of little outfits… and of course, tons of tequilla.”

Wow. What a great party… for an adult.

Doostyn: Ew, that sounds frightening. That sounds like me puking all over creepy dolls and pleading with you repeatedly to go get me some pepto while you roll your eyes.
Gnatalby: The me in your mind is really mean. Sadly I think it’s based on past behavior.
Doostyn: Oh it’s not so bad really. Just the time you made me cry in Barnes and Noble, the time you shamed me on the bus for drinking out of a nipple, the time you handed me over to palestinian militants, and the pepto ordeal.

Only most of those things are true. I’ll leave it to you, gentle reader, to discern which.

So the McBrides are doing well at the gambling tables, and the hotel offers them a high roller suite. Taylor and the lips are immediately all: “That’s so nice of you, isn’t that nice honey? Just one more thing. Make sure there’s plenty of unblended scotch. And I’ll need… oysters… and other sensual foods to eat, you know?”

The important point about this dialogue is that it’s very Jane Mancinian, in that Taylor is over-pronouncing each syllable like it’s the first time she’s said anything while making eyes as big as the ones on Connie and Sam’s dolls. (Evidently lesbian relationships are unspeakably perverse.)

Speaking of Connie! Billy comes home trashed from his birthday party and he and Connie have a beer which leads to kissing on the couch. I wish I could do a screencap, but for some reason it always crashes my media player, because there is this moment where Billy is making the most hilarious pre-kiss face. His mouth is hanging open like my dearly departed late Guinea Pig Chiclet and then he just goes for it, tongue already sticking out pre-lip contact. Gross. So, naturally, Connie blabs to Sam that Billy made a pass at her. Which you know, she’s manipulative, but it’s also completely true! He did make a pass at her.

Sam confesses it all to Amanda who says it’s “surprising.” Is it though? I mean, Amanda has intimate knowledge of Billy, you’d think she’d know he’s not “the most perfect and sensitive guy.” Though she does tell us that men are like dogs– even though most behaved will hump any leg it gets a hold of. Someone should stitch that on a pillow. Anway, Connie’s ex Charlie shows up…. and Charlie’s a lady! SHOCK (well, not really). Billy seems oddly smirky and relieved at this, even though, as noted above, this doesn’t solve the problem of how Billy put the moves on Connie.

Kyle decides to forgive Amanda, which pisses Taylor off as she’s all “That witch only cares about herself and I only care about you!” Um, and Peter, remember when that happened? Amanda tells Kyle where he can shove it and she and Sam board a helicopter to do some scouting, which I’m pretty confused about, because they’re in advertising…?

Taylor pretends she won back the money, and she and Kyle bone amidst the pile of bills. Romance! But, unfortch for Taylor, Amanda’s helicopter goes down thank to a malfunction of the red goo valve. (Seriously, I don’t know, but red good starts gushing up out of cracks in the ‘copter.) Naturally the pilot dies and Amanda thinks her back is broken but Sam is fine, apart from being stranded, and Amanda’s cell phone isn’t in range. Later Amanda almost dies, but Sam does CPR. Too bad she doesn’t know about “Stayin’ Alive” because she just counts and begs “Come on Amanda!” I have a longstanding gripe with how often CPR works on tv (doesn’t work that often on adults in the absence of hospital equipment folks), but it’s not like I want Amanda to die, she’s the best part of Melrose!

Kyle wakes up in his dirty sex bed and turns on the news to find out about the crash. Taylor, a model of sensitivity, is all “I’m sure she’s fine. She probably just stopped to sharpen her claws on a tree somewhere.” (I had to listen to this line four times to figure out what she said.) Surprisingly, Kyle is not feeling amorous after this and informs Taylor it was the last time EVER. Sure Kyle. Maybe your mouth shouldn’t write checks your dick has no intention of covering.

Merry Christmas! or Merry Day in December

December 25, 2009

Alas, the only present I can offer my dear readers is a long-in-coming update. I’m not very organized around the holidays, so I’m just happy my presents made it home and am contemplating making eggnog because I really want some, but it’s sort of a production to make just for me. Plus eggnog is a little like sausage– you don’t want to see it get made. I mean, it’s twelve egg yolks to four cups of milk, something about that doesn’t seem right (while at the same time sounding sort of delish).

Onward, to freeing up some space on Eglentine, my computer!

The Scene: Melrose 6×13– A Christmas Episode entitled “A Tree Talks in Melrose.”

Taylor arranges a special Christmas concert at the jazz club, which is totally a treasure for guest stars of the smoooooooth jaaaaaazz persuasion whose characters happen to be secret, never mentioned good friends of our series regulars. Taylor tries to put a move on Kyle, but he pointedly takes her hand off his arm. Taylor asks John Cicata (sp? I have no idea who this person is, and google isn’t helping. If he’s secretly famous– my bad.) to play a special Christmas concert to save the club and he agrees saying he could never turn down “a woman who looks like this.”

New plan for getting what I want… collagen. In. My. Lips.

Lexie gives Peter the thoughtful gift of finding your girlfriend on the bathroom floor after she ODed, frightened that Jennifer Mancini is going to tell someone about her hit and run homeless man encounter. Jennifer, btw, is creepily over-interested. Lexie is all “You’re doing all this for Michael” and she goes, “I would do this and a LOT MORE for Michael.” I got total incest shivers from that line (perhaps because it reminds me of a similar line from Brenda about Billy on 6ftUnder). I keep forgetting they’re supposed to be siblings and wondering why Michael hasn’t hit that, since he is the biggest slut in the world. Jennifer prolongs the annoying patent storyline (who thought this was a good idea? Copyright lawsuits? BORING) by getting Cooper’s designs in exchange for Lexie dropping her alimony requirements.

Billy and Sam have a big stupid fight/make up about Connie, who loooooooves Sam and has some elaborate scheme involving seducing Billy through mistletoe kissing and nude lounging. I find that when you want lesbian action, it’s better to go straight to it, rather than detouring at man-ville, but that’s just my style. More Jill Sobule than Katy Perry.

Amanda decides to give Kyle “the truth” for Christmas. She tells him that she’s in love with him, and it’s been him since they met and blah blah blah. Kyle’s all “Is that supposed to make me forget what happened between you and Eric?”

So Amanda’s all: Nothing happened. We never had sex. From the moment you and I met I just never wanted anyone else.
Kyle: No, you, you went to his hotel room and you took your clothes off. So I don’t care if you wanted Eric or if you were trying to save your agency, you went there to sleep with him.
Amanda: But I didn’t! I couldn’t go through with it!
Kyle: You know, you don’t get points from me because the guy turns you off.

It hate having to side with Kyle (boy do I, I can feel pain radiating from my blackened heart) but he is totally in the right. Intent matters, Amanda! The only reason you didn’t have sex with Eric is that Kyle walked in! Jeez.

Taylor and the lips come in all saucy to have a shot with Kyle and enthuse about how much money the club is making, but Kyle prefers the surly alcoholic’s way of drinking alone and angry, which allows Taylor to scheme and steal the money in order to convince Kyle to go to her with Vegas to win it back, giving her time and the sultry sleaze of Vegas to seduce him.

And now the money shot of the episode!!! Michael Mancini in a Santa suit getting served divorce papers! If you’ve ever wanted to watch Santa destroy a beach house, hulk smash a Christmas tree, break gifts, tear down lights and do an angry striptease culminating in the burning of a Santa suit, look no further! (Also if this is your dream, you are awesome, call me.)

The episode ends with Michael throwing a Christmas tree into the ‘Place pool while Amanda intones sarcastically “God bless us every one” and a singing Michael ornament burbles in its watery grave. (Which is sort of odd, since it should make the sound of electronic things meeting water, not a gargle.)

Happy Christmas to Christians, to everyone else, Happy … Day.

Turkey Time

November 25, 2009

Oh man. Remember how I said Mrs. Shaw was not a well woman? Well, awesomely, she comes to town and decides to “scare” Michael but ends up shooting at him, and then she hands off the gun to Cooper, who intends to fly her back to Ohio and put her under psychiatric care.

But…. even weather is a schemer! It colludes with Mrs. Shaw to ground her plane in Chicago. And… somehow she ends up back in LA? I guess she took another plane, but I like to think she hitch-hiked. “What brought you out to LA, lady?”

“Murdering my ex-son-in-law. Why, do you have family out this way?”

My joy at Sam’s departure was premature.. she went back to MD and Billy followed her and proposed enthusiastically, yet annoyingly. But it’s sort of okay because Sam’s maid of honor is her art school friend Connie who is AMAZING. She has this creepy scrapbook full of pictures of herself and Sam, it rivals Dr. Horrible’s photo collection of Penny pictures. Sam’s all “It’s going to be a great wedding!”

And Connie Manson lamps: “Over my dead body!” which is such an on the nose soap opera thing to say. Nobody SAYS “over my dead body” any more than people say “Oh burrito!” Annoyingly, her scheming seems to consist of throwing herself at Billy which is nine kinds of repulsive. Billy’s success with the ladies is such a mystery to me. I mean, idiots like Allison and Sam, sure, but our cunning Amanda Woodward?

Anyway, Mrs. Shaw disguises herself in scrubs, breaks into the OR to stab Michael, Megan comes in to warn him and gets stabbed causing Mrs. Shaw to yell: “Just as well! You took my Kimberly I’ll take your whoooooore!”

Really, sentence structure matters. Mrs. Shaw is unwittingly, but slightly accurately implying that Kimberly is a whore. Really more of a pimp, I guess.

Amanda has to save her new ad agency by sleeping with her old boss, Eric Banes, and, weirdly, she has qualms. This isn’t the Amanda I know! Amanda slept with Billy for no other reason that mysterious non-specific advancement right after he gave his big Greed is Good speech. Whence this sudden conscience? I guess she looooves Kyle, but I can’t, for the life of me, fathom why.

In 6×10, the delightfully titled “My Little Coma Girl,” Amanda regains some of her moxie when she pulls a gun on Taylor who is there to gloat after Kyle caught Amanda circa flagrante delicto. She’s all: “I’m going to miss having him around here. You know he always made me feel so safe. I guess from now on I’m going to have to fend for myself. But luckily, before I met Kyle I took lessons. Filled out the registration forms because you never know when someone might break into your apartment or be a general nuisance…. I bought it a long time ago, I don’t even know if it works, but… I’m willing to give it a try.” And she takes the safety off and points it at Taylor and it’s AWESOME. “Get the HELL out of my apartment before I blow that smirk off your face. AND DON’T COME BACK!”

To compound things, Kyle pushes Taylor in the pool (that NEVER gets old!) and then creeps out all “I could soooo easily jump in there and hold your head under….” Dial it back!

Lexi spills the beans that Cooper fell for Kimberly when she was in her coma because he’s doing the saaame thing with Megan, including not let anyone else in the ICU (including Michael) and holding her hand and singing to her. It’s totes creepy, but everyone is acting like it’s just a nuisance! It’s so weird. Michael is like, “I don’t know, keeping that perv off my comatose wife will be a problem for my career… better just stay and have a drink and dessert!” I am barely paraphrasing that, by the way. CREEPY.

Cooper’s sputtering indignation is amazing: “Oh, is it WEIRD to be compassionate? About wanting to give LIFE back to a patient? WHAT?”

Yeah it IS weird if you think they NEEEEED your sperm. Christ, who needs that explained to them?

So Cooper sneaks back in and he’s all “I’m sorry.. I wanted to be here for you.. you know what? I’m sorry, no one’s been playing your favorite music for you…” and so he puts on Pachelbel’s Canon. Oh I’m SO sure a classic wedding processional is Megan’s favorite song. “I’m the one who knows what’s best for you…”

Disgustingly, this ends up waking Megan up. Gross.

Meanwhile, back in bland love, Billy’s mom offers her hideous brooch to Sam for her wedding day, but she turns it down, and Mrs. Billy’s mom is all “Allison always loved this brooch.” And Sam get’s all pissy about it. Pin on the damn brooch, you ingrate! Mrs. Campbell complains to Billy who has a big fight with Sam, and they end up getting hitched mid-fight. Awk.ward. Jennifer Mancini is like me, she’s all “Don’t make a scene, just go get married.” So they do. Lexi gets trashed and is grinding with everyone on the dance floor and it’s hilarious. She’s all tugging on dude’s ties, patting her weave, then she goes home with Peter and he’s all, you barely drank, why are you so fucked up? And she’s practically falling over all, “I guess I’m hiiiiiigh on youuuuu…” Yeah, or on the delightful combination of benzos and champagne.

Mrs. Campbell also gets trashed and is all, “You’d better keep your eye on him… You’re not the first love of his life. And you won’t be the last. How bout a toast: Here’s to my current daughter-in-law– may your marriage to Billy last longer than the first one. Or… am I not allowed to mention Brooke either? Just don’t wear your high heels around the pool.”

DAMN Mrs Campbell! Point and Match! THAT is how you give a toast!

This episode is also nominally a Thanksgiving episode, so everyone is making turkeys and yams between comas and weddings. Melrose is just like life that way.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Booze Tube! May your holiday be coma and scheme-free but still retain its alcohol and prescription pills. Or the reverse if that’s really what you’re into.

ETA: Just drunk kidding. All that stuff I said happened in 6×10? That was really 6×11 “Everybody Come to Kyle’s!”