Castrated Queers

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Tonight’s Gossip Girl, anticipated in the media for its much-hyped threesome storyline, let me down on a note surprisingly unrelated to the players in the threesome (more on that later though): it reinforced the fact that a gay character has been sidelined from the moment they called themselves gay.  I call it castrated queer syndrome.

As with characters ranging from (the original) Melrose Place‘s Matt, to even the recent fairly risque True Blood‘s Lafayette (neither of whom ever came out because they were gay from the start of their respective series, but had or have had no on-screen romantic life or displays of affection) , Gossip Girl‘s Erik pretty much stopped having a life (more specifically a romantic one, but this is a soap, so that’s pretty much all of life for one of these characters) from his first moment of gayness.  They tossed him a boyfriend in an off-camera way that we don’t even know the details of, proceeded to never let them be romantic in any way on screen, and never gave them a storyline until it recently served the purposes of another character.  And in this episode, that lame relationship came to its conclusion (Jenny and friends were mean to Erik and his boyfriend Jonathan, Erik was mean back, Jonathan thought this made Erik a “changed” person for some reason, Jonathan broke up with him), and now Erik is boyfriend-less, yet poised to be in more episodes as Jenny’s foil in her rise from Brooklyn obscurity to Upper East Side queen-dom.  Hmmm…strange coincidence?  I think not.  Erik is suddenly going to be in more episodes, and his sudden singlehood makes it less scary for network television.  Boooooo Gossip Girl!  Booooooo!

You may have tossed us gays a meaty, delicious, sexy bone when Chuck kissed a dude and proclaimed, when asked if it was a big deal, “What, you think I’ve never kissed a guy before?”  But our Pavlovian drooling instincts have subsided and our brains are no longer so clouded (mine always gets a little fuzzy whenever Chuck just appears on camera).  Stop being fucking weenies and give Erik a fucking boyfriend who he fucking fucks, or at least dry humps or makes out with.  I mean, really, it’s not like you can seriously be trying to court conservative parents who decry your poisoning of American youth, right?  May I point again to your November sweeps threesome?

And, as promised, about that:  disgusting!  Gnatalby predicted the mysteriously sexed-up Dan Humphrey would be involved, and she just had to be right, didn’t she?  Hilary Duff’s character Olivia kissed a girl and she liked it (even though it was Vanessa…more disgustitude), but apparently it’s not her boyfriend (who was in the room, hence the three of the -some) she has to worry about minding it; in the promo for next week it appears she minds it once she realizes she’s not leaving for filming a movie like she thought at the commencement of the menage a trois.  This looks to be a dull plot, like most involving Dan and Vanessa, and I hate that the writers played it safe by having a girl threesome with a guy planted firmly in the middle.  I hope we don’t learn the details of the threesome because Dan is gross, but I’m betting he was the beneficiary of the whole thing, and that the kiss we saw between the ladies was as far as anything between them went.  That’s not shaking things up, Gossip Girl, that’s a mainstream, heterocentric fallacy that needs to die.  For the sake of my continued viewership and your continued exisitence, kill these impulses to write stories like these in the future, and resist the urge to continue the castration of the one true queer you have.  You don’t want to piss the gays off, and if you haven’t already castrated the off-camera, behind-the-scenes queers to the point of not caring, you might wake up one day to no wardrobe department (in addition to the approximate brillion percent of the rest of your creative force…there’s got to be at least one gay writer in the room who is sick of this shit too) if you continue down this dark, gay-sexless path.

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2 Responses to “Castrated Queers”

  1. gnatalby Says:

    I mean, really, it’s not like you can seriously be trying to court conservative parents who decry your poisoning of American youth, right? May I point again to your November sweeps threesome?

    WORD.

    That was basically my threesome nightmare come to small screen. Of course it’s smug Dan and fucking Vanessa. The only person in that group that I like is Olivia (I’m finding Hillary Duff v. charming on GG, I don’t know what’s wrong). Run Olivia! Run away from the Brooklyn troll people and their disgusting poverty!

  2. Sadako Says:

    “I mean, really, it’s not like you can seriously be trying to court conservative parents who decry your poisoning of American youth, right? May I point again to your November sweeps threesome?”

    If anything they seem to love to make those people hate them. Remember those big ass billboards where they quoted those conservative groups who were all, “SCANDALOUS/TASTELESS!”?

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