Archive for the ‘Secret Life of the American Teenager’ Category

The SLAT Custody Battle is no Kramer vs. Kramer is All I’m Saying

March 17, 2010

Last week’s SLAT was excruciatingly dull. It was pretty much just people having conversations with one another.

This week’s was ludicrous, and wonderful.

Adrian captures line of the week early with the irrefutable: “When people have something in common, like a common hate, what you do you call those people? FRIENDS.”

But then Adrian also gets worst comment of the week (it’s like the EGOT of SLAT to get best and worst) by going all Rielle saying: “Amy, accept responsibility because if you had had sex with Ben I wouldn’t have been able to get him to have sex with me.”

Little known fact: men are like baby ducklings. Once they imprint on one lady’s shame-cave they can never have sex with anyone else EVER.

Ben's lucky he wasn't exposed an olden time animal behaviorist for his first.

In the running, from the same convo, was Amy telling Adrian she thought that she and Ben would be each others’ first time. The premise of the show you are on is that you got knocked up after a one nighter with some other dude while cashing in your v-chip, keep up Amy!

Jack told Madison he wouldn’t turn her in (for offering him a bejammer in exchange for favorable character witnessing for Amy) if she did it with him (although then he said he was kidding, but I think he was kidding in the Nelly way: unless you’re gonna do it.), to which doostyn says: “!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blackmail rape! In high school! This show is so two faced: like it can be juicier than Gossip Girl, but would never claim to be.”

The A-plot of the episode is that Amy and Ricky are finally going into mediation for their custody battle. It’s funny because normally when dudes whine about custody I’m like “Whatever dude, it’s the only thing in the patriarchy that actually benefits women, so go cry about it in your money bed and enjoy seeing only people with dicks on C-SPAN.” But I despise Amy so much that I’m forced to take Ricky’s part, even though he makes it hard for me by insisting on having custody of the child on a day he works all day and plans to leave him with his parents. It makes NO sense, therefore, that Amy can’t have John on Saturday, I don’t care how involved Ricky’s foster parents want to be.

My favorite moment was Amy’s Kimberley Shaw and her Glorious Alter Egos rage freakout on the bench after Ricky left. What was that about? Whenever Amy shows strong emotions I want to laugh. I’m so mean.

I find Grace’s romantic storyline troubling, since I don’t buy Ben as a romantic lead. And Grace is all “You should get custody of John too, since you were there for Amy all those months after she gave birth.” Yes, Grace, let’s give THE WHOLE TOWN custody of John. Everyone can have him for 5 minutes a day, problem solved!

Everyone makes character witnessing videos for Amy and then Ricky, and most of them are mired in high school issues, which I’m sure was like, so thrilling for the mediator. The greatest part about that was that Amy has a little epiphany and realizes she should let Ricky see John, and the mediator is like, “That’s nice, but it’s still my decision, not yours, and you are now legally required to let Ricky take John on the weekends.” FACED!

I can’t stand Ashley’s fug boyfriend, and, good news, she seems to have nothing but paper thinly veiled contempt for him. Still, condommania continues as Ashley is grilled about why, as the sister of a teenager with a baby, she keeps condoms. Apparently her icky boyfriend has had sex before and would like to do it with Ashley. Like everyone else on this show, they seem set to do it after Leo and Betty’s wedding. Because, as doostyn notes: “Nothing says let’s fuck like the origin of bed death. Besides, wedding sex isn’t something you plan, it just…happens.”

(Now you can fill in a wedding sex anecdote about either of us bloggers you deem appropriate. We’ll never confirm or deny.)

Dating never looks anything but excruciating on this show. If I were an alien learning about human culture from broadcasts of SLAT I’d think romance was a punishment for terrorists.

Doostyn says: It would be excruciating to date on that show. You’d have to gossip with your parents– and possibly other people’s parents– about every kiss and fondle, and the school counselor would call you in and you’d be like “Aaaagh what is blossom doing here” and then she’d say your date was a disaster of genocidal proportions so she’s making you go to the school dance with your great grandmother.”

And just to cement all the horror of the last hour, the show leaves us by suggesting that Adrian is pregnant. Noooooooooooo.

Or (doostyn again): “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Kill the evil spawn! I’m assuming it’s ben’s. I guess it could be Ricky’s, so might not be AS evil, either way, it’s wrong.
Me: No, apparently the condom broke with Ben.
doostyn: Ewwwwwwwwww
me: and Adrian’s late.
doostyn: Ben splooge: the only thing worse is a Ben baby.

(Note: welcome, influx of SLAT googlers querying “Who did Adrian have sex with after the mother-daughter dance” the answer, I hope you will be dismayed to learn, is Ben. EW. Also, I’m amazed as this implies that SLAT picks up new viewers every week, which is pretty discouraging. RuPaul’s Drag Race is on Mondays, people! Watch that!)

The Mother-Daughter Dance

February 19, 2010

The “action” of this week’s SLAT was the Mother-Daughter dance. Even the show knew it was a failure… the only person dancing was Blossom (who is like, seconds from toppling her boobs out of that sad Rodarte for Target looking dress)!

The rest of the tunage was Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” on repeat until Blossom both rips off Mean Girls and compares high school to Holocaust. It’s basically the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen on tv. Apparently the lesson of the Holocaust is that girls should be nicer to each other and that women have the power to end all wars.

Godwin's Law! Godwin's Law!

Then everyone does the hora. Hey, it’s like dances at my high school!

The condom drama continues. Riddle me this: Amy is a huuuuuuuge slattern who is obviously open for business all over town for having one condom (and, hello! She’s already been teen pregnant once, that shit’s just prudent) but Ashley has a whole dedicated condom cozy but no one blinks twice at that shit. I carried a condom in my purse and had one in the car for 3 years before I ever had sex. Sometimes girls who worry over prepare!

I thought we were going to have a revelation that Madison’s mother isn’t really dead based on this conversation:

Lauren’s Mom: That dead parents club, has given her a really great place to vent. She and Jack started a club for kids whose parents are… dead who need a place to vent. They meet all the time!
Madison’s Step-mom: That’s not true, that can’t be. They might be meeting but it’s probably not about dead parents, it’s probably about sex. Oh I don’t think there’s a real club called that.
Lauren’s Mom: The dead. Parents. Club. Yeah.
Madison’s Step-mom: No, I don’t think Madison would be in anything like that.
Lauren’s Mom: Madison is having sex?
Madison’s Step-mom: Well… kind of?

Doesn’t it sound like Madison’s mom isn’t really dead? If that happens, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. (I don’t know how that would square with last week’s heart to heart, but if Madison’s step-mom thinks having sex means you aren’t still grieving, then how does she explain the popularity of funeral sex?)

Grace is mooning over Ben, and S.S. Officer Adrian disregards this and pledges to fuck Ben to spite Amy because Amy *might* be having sex. I am annoyed, because Adrian is right to be suspicious of Ricky, but I’m kind of surprised that she’s dicking over her best friend like this, but I’m team Gradrian for life.

Amy: Nothing’s wrong with me. Something’s wrong with Jimmy. And with Ben. And with any other guy that doesn’t like me.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

You hear that, doostyn? Something is wrong with you. Amy is just ludicrously unself-aware. Everyone hates you and your only redeeming quality is your shiny hair.

Everyone in this town needs to stop saying “I love you” in pizza. Unless they’re going to send me a pizza too. Don’t bring pizza unless you’re going to share with the whole class. And stop ruining cribbage for me, Ben.

Taking it! Personally!

February 12, 2010

May I offer you wine and a cigarette like they do in Fraaaaaaahnz? Red wine has all those cardiovascular benefits, that’s why I drink to much of it! That and needing a little something to wash down the inconsistencies and inaccuracies of Secret Life. This week’s episode is titled “Let’s Try That Again,” but I’m serious, absolutely nothing is tried again.

Amy has the worst friends, but really, no worse than she deserves. They taunt her at her locker about how her dad won’t go to counseling with her mom so the Juergens will tater totes get divorced, plus Amy’s probably a bad kisser, which is why she can’t get a man (even though Amy has at least three dudes chasing her at a time). Why is Amy friends with these people? Instead of telling them what they can shove and where Amy is all: “If I were a bad kisser we [Amy and grocery lad] wouldn’t have made out for two hours!” Okay, I remember being a teenager, but now that I’m a wizened old crone I feel like, “Who has the time for multiple hours of making out?”

As I typed to Doostyn in medias res, what is with this show and its relentless attempt to improve America’s sexual self esteem with straight up LIES like “Everyone’s a good kisser” from this episode or “There’s no such thing as bad sex.” It’s not true, and hoes like Ricky and Adrian should know this, but they’re the ones peddling these lies! (Though it’s worth nothing that whorishness is a matter of attitidue, not of fact, as shown in this handy chart of who’s had sex with whom on SLAT. Note that Ricky and Jack have the same number as do Adrian and Grace’s moms. Also, Grace has dated all the male leads now, so she’ kind of ho-ier than Adrian.)

Ricky disappoints me by offering to makeout with Amy for practice. RICKY. No. Do not offer to practice kissing with Amy when you are going out with Adrian. It’s both hurtful to my favorite character and too good a thing by half to happen to Amy (who fucking sucks, in case my opinion isn’t clear. And Anne’s not much better, she’s like, Amy’s elder indecisive whiny clone).

Now, marvel as the writers of this piece of trash can’t remember what happens in this very episode, never mind from week to week. Grace arrives at school and sees Blossom the guidance counselor putting up posters.

Grace:What is that
Blossom: It’s a poster. [LOL duh.] I made it myself. [How nice for you!] It’s for the mother daughter dance. It’s sort of a ritual I like to do in the springtime. [Jesus Brenda Hampton, she’s Jewish not Wiccan.]
Grace: We always have a father daughter dance.
Blossom: I know there’s usually a father daughter dance, but mother daughter dances are always interesting and usually fun. I started switching our dads with moms, oh years ago… Something going on with your mom? The new boyfriend?
Grace: He’s not a boyfriend, just some younger man she’s seeing to embarrass me. Her husband, my father, hasn’t even been dead for a year.
Blossom: It’s a year of mourning with the protestants? [Oh don’t try to lure me in with Protestant bashing, I’m wise to your baits and switches.]
Grace: I don’t think there’s any rule.
Blossom making sad face: Oh so, it just hurts? [Abrupt switch to happy face.] Life is for the living.
Grace: Not without respect for the dead.
Blossom: That’s kind of what this is about, the mother daughter dance.

It is? What? Huh? But… how? Time for shameful admissions, this episode actually touched a nerve with me. My Mom died a couple years ago and my Dad is dating again, so I really feel for Grace this episode, since I am constantly forced to bite my tongue from bitching him out about not showing proper respect for the dead, so I might be projecting here but YOU SUCK JANE MANCINI YOUR HUSBAND DIED LIKE FOUR MONTHS AGO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

That’s probably enough of the Kanye caps. Grace storms off the main office without getting Blossom’s signature who twoshadows (like foreshadowing for a scene that’s too close to create any tension) that Grace will be back. Madison is waiting in Blossom’s office to bitterly vent, and for a moment I find her sympathetic too, which is generally a sign to ask me if I’m feeling all right.

Madison: We need to talk about this mother daughter dance. you know, some of us don’t have mothers. It’s wrong, it’s just wrong and it’s awkward for me and for anyone else like me who’s lost a mother to death or divorce or career or whatever.

You had me and then you lost me Madison. When your parents are divorced or your mom has a job (!!!!) your mom is still around. It’s really NOT AT ALL like she’s dead, Jesus.

Blossom: Your mom passed away?
Madison: Five years ago.
Blossom: Did your dad remarry?
Madison: What does that have to do with anything she’s not my mother.
Blossom: What’s her name?
Madison: I call her my wicked stepmother, he calls her Emily. I don’t want to dance with her.
….
Blossom: How long has your dad been married to her?
Madison: Three years. And they dated a year before that. Just a year after my mom died. At least I think it was a year. They could have been going out longer.

Oh jeez. Girl I feel you on all of this shiz, except that my Dad has yet to marry the Wicked Queen. Expect petulant internet rantings if that does come to pass though.

Blossom: Might be time for the two of you to get to know each other. [WHATEVER BLOSSOM I’LL GET TO KNOW HER IN HELL!]
Madison: Well, my father and I have an agreement. I don’t have to get to know her as long as I ‘m not rude to her.
Blossom: Tell me about her.
Madison: She flirted with my dad, and she conned him into marrying her and then she took over everything in the house and she ruined my life.

Did she make your father take down pictures of your mom? That may or may not have happened in SOME OF OUR childhood homes.

Grace, Lauren, and Amy all show up to the office for reasons of contrivance. Amy’s shitty friends pressure her to have her parents go to counseling with Lauren’s dad. Grace is cranky. She snaps at them all to butt out (frickin’ finally) and storms out, where she runs into Adrian all: “Leave me alone. I’m late, I have to get to class. I don’t have time to talk to you, I wish I had never talked to you.”

Turns out she’s mad because Jane Mancini is talking about marrying the young guy. Now, when did Grace learn this in relation to the earlier scene which also took place in school when Grace denied he was even a real boyfriend? Did Jane Mancini come to the school and take Grace aside in the hallway? Who knows! Not the writers, certainly. And like, Jane Mancini sucks here, but I don’t know why Grace is taking it out on Adrian who can’t possibly have done anything. (Although later it seems she has psychically divined this info.)

Now the Mancinis are at home and Jane is trying to justify her extreme faithlessness and disrespect for the dead by being all: “People who are happy in marriage get married right away after their spouse dies!” Grace bitches that no one asked whether the children were happier. Jane is all: “Grace you’re hardly a child, and Tom is hardly a child either.” For once, truth! Tom is like 30.

We finally meet Jack’s mom, and it’s Vampire Pam! The greatest vampire in recorded history! She summarizes Jack’s situation with all her awesome: “He’s choosing between oral sex with a fun redhead and a chance to go all the way with a mixed up blonde.”

The weekly telephone montaging begins. Why doesn’t this show understand that watching people talk on the phone is increeeeeedibly dull. Apparently even Adrian and Ashley talk on the phone now. Doostyn points out “It’s like they, too, watch the show, and are like ‘oh we’re on the same show, maybe we should talk some time?'”

Ashley bitches about how no one wants to know how her date with the creepiest pizza delivery man on earth went. (Yeah, I skipped a week and so we didn’t talk about that, but it was UBER creepy with creepy pizza guy being all “Let’s go to your dark isolated back yard yes….. You’re all alone you say?”) Adrian hilariously comforts her: “You’re young and you’re strong Ashley.”

Jeez, is this Lifetime? Ashley snaps back: “I’m what, a year younger than Amy and two years younger than you.”

Madison has apparently gotten over her stepmother issues, as she makes an excuse (algebra) to hang out with her and talk about oral. Wish I were kidding. I don’t think I’ll ever get there with the Wicked Queen, nor frankly, do I want to.

We learn from Jane Mancini that Tom and Betty stay in touch and Jane is all snobby about Betty. Whatever, Jane Mancini, Betty is the best thing about this show.

All the dudes come over to “talk to” Grace. Ben and Jack sort out who owns the little woman in the hallway.

Ben: This is a stupid idea. When I couldn’t get Grace I texted—
Jack: You texted me and when you didn’t get me you thought I’d be over here so you came over been there. And you did call Adrian and she told you that Ricky was over at Amy’s– she called Grace. they really are friends, they fight but they’re friends.
Ben: Yeah I did talk to Adrian. And then I talked to Ashley because Adrian wanted me to talk to Ashley. I really wish I hadn’t talked to Ashley.

Jesus Christ. If there’s one thing more boring to watch than telephone conversations it’s a discussion about telephone conversations. (Perhaps I’ve compounded the boring by blogging about it. Oops.) Anyway, Ben wishes he hadn’t talked to Ashley because she presumably told him that she saw Ricky and Amy making out.

Now for the most random thing of the night, Tom busts in on Grace and Jane’s heart to heart, all: “I love Tammi and asked her to marry me. Just kidding! I am not getting married to Tammi, I’m going to wait for Adrian.”

That thought makes me ill.

Ashley closes us out with some sage words to Anne about wanting her to come back. “You know how it with babies, they either push you together like Amy and Ricky or pull you apart like you and dad.”

Fucking Babies. If there’s one thing they are, it’s conniving.

Just Say ME!

January 28, 2010

What a strange hour of SLAT this week.

Grace proselytizes the joys of masturbation and gets all the girls in school to band together in swearing off guys and instead taking matters into their own hands. They decide “masturbation” sounds icky and start calling it “Just Say Me!” This phrase is repeated about 9 million times in the episode and boy are the boys uncomfortable with it. Ricky particularly, is a disgusting sleaze, commenting that he likes it when Adrian and Amy are fighting because it makes Adrian work harder in bed to keep him, which is fucking repulsive.

He also announces that Adrian has had sex with him for a year, so she’s not allowed to just stop, which is pretty rapey and entitled. I don’t understand what Adrian sees in him, she can do so much better and I definitely don’t mean Tom.

In the end all the boys end up asking the girls out, and I actually laughed out loud when Madison bumped into Jack and said “I didn’t see you!” And he retorted: “Maybe that’s because you WENT BLIND last week!” Hee olden tyme masturbation myths. The best exchange of the night though was Ashley and Amy talking about masturbation and Amy claims that she never does anything without thinking and Ashley goes: “Have you met your son, John?” Bwah!

Continuity on this show continues to suck. Griffin is goading Ashley that she needs to get a boyfriend, but the entire basis of their friendship is a pact not to date in high school. If I can remember that you can too, writers!

Overall it was a surprisingly enjoyable hour of tv which actually said things I agree with: masturbation is a great way take care of sexual urges when you’re not sure you want the complications of a man in your life. That said, as a teenager I would have died sooner than talk about it frankly with my mom, that said I have friends whose parents did discuss it with them and they seemed cool about it. I feel like if I had a kid I would just leave helpful books around the house so that they could be informed but wouldn’t have my face looming in their mind’s eye when they were getting off, because thinking of your mom at a time like that? That can ruin even the healthiest sex drive.

Unless you’re Oedipus. Or Freud.

Chupacabra!

January 20, 2010

So apparently SLAT is under the impression that it doesn’t count if you say it in Spanish, hence the repetition of “goat-blower” at 8pm on a family channel. Apparently Adrian broke a window at the butcher shop by throwing her cell phone through it. Girlfriend must have some arm, or that is one thin window.

Ricky:Adrian threw a rock through the window?
Bunny: A cell phone. As she shouted “Chupacabra” it’s a devil dog… goat sucker? You been sucking goats? By sucking goats I mean entertaining other girls in your apt. girls other than Adrian and adrian found out, huh? Sorry chupacabra, you have to pay for the window.

The confrontation between Adrian and Ricky is typical SLAT:

Adrian: [Ruthie Camden] called me and told me she had sex with you; she wanted me to know.
Ricky: And why is that? Why would she want you to know?
Adrian: I don’t know.
Ricky: You slept with her boyfriend before I slept with her, I slept with her to get back at you for sleeping with her boyfriend.
Adrian: I slept with her boyfriend awhile back. And I slept with him to get back at you for sleeping with all those other girls.
Ricky: I slept with all those other girls to get back at you for sleeping with all those other guys.
Adrian: No you didn’t, you slept with all those other girls just because you could
Ricky: You slept with all those other guys just because you could
Adrian: That was before.
Ricky: Before after, who cares?
Adrian: I care, I told you I care I’ve done nothing by try to be nice to you and this is how you treat me
Ricky: How have you tried to be nice to me?
Adrian: I had sex with you.
Ricky: Then you’re nice to everyone, aren’t you?

Grace has sex hair this whole episode, which is funny since we know she’s only having solo sex. Like I said before, it’s like an opioid narcotic the way it calms Grace down. She doesn’t care about Jack and Madison getting together and brightly chirps “I hope we can continue with our dead parents club! I really enjoy it!”

Madison and Jack have slutty oral sex with the door open while his mom is home. Why is it happening? I don’t know. But hilariously it happens while Jack is having the world’s most generic dance party of one. When Madison shows up they rock out together before getting down to business, which actually reminded me of times in college when Doostyn and I would have spontaneous late night dance parties of two or three. But obviously we never went to Bologna after.

Adrian borrowing money from Tom and Tom saying he loves her? Why is it happening? The revelation (thanks to Grace) that Tom and Tammy have phone sex and that Tom pressures Tammy into sex? EW! And WHY IS IT HAPPENING?? I just don’t understand what Tom does with his life other than huff around being patriarchal and manipulative.

Even with Tom in the running, Ben is the creepiest, telling Maria: “Maybe you should have my babies.” Why do all these kids want to have babies? I realize that having a baby has had no impact on Amy’s social life and isn’t much of a cautionary tale, but even still, you’re sixteen!

Ricky’s custody suit seems to have been dropped, and judging by the final moments of the episode, he’s interested in sulky, bratty Amy again for reasons that are unfathomable to me. The only thing this young lady has going for her is her shiny curtain of hair.

A SLAT Drinking Game

January 13, 2010

I have had a wicked cold the past week or so, which has prevented me from one of life’s greatest joys: pairing booze with Secret Life of the American Teenager. So in lieu of actually boozing along to this week’s episode, I’ll just have to fantasize about it. But feel free to take my suggestions, and if you live through the experience, well, mazel, your liver is impressive.

The show opens with the Sausage Prince in his room reading a romance novel called Love & Flame that he apparently got from Betty. This book doesn’t seem to exist in the real world, alas, but jeez Ben, if you want porn use the internet like everyone else. This scene calls for your first drink, A Hairy Virgin (Rum, Triple Sec, OJ).

Griffin, the worst gay friend in the world, is sleeping over at Ashley’s. He tells Ashley that all metrosexuals are gay and makes excused for having his shirt off. Now… I’m not complaining, it’s a nice chest, but I’m getting a vibe that Griffin is maybe secretly straight, which would make this the most baffling and offensive storyline to date. Griffin makes excuses for not dating, because the entire school will never be comfortable with two guys making out. That is a pretty high bar to set. If the whole school had to approve I can’t imagine anyone would get together in high school.

Also having a sleepover, Adrian and Ricky. For this I’m going to recommend a Lime Ricky (gin, vodka, lime, and soda). Ricky is unsatisfied with the concept and is all “How about a sex over!” Ricky slightly endears himself to me in this scene by being really into and committed to Adrian, but that is a pretty fucking fleeting emotion, I’ll foreshadow. For god knows what reason, Adrian is extra enthusiastic about having a future baby with Ricky. Which, I guess isn’t a total surprise after her line last season “Who WOULDN’T want to have Ricky’s baby??” but it still creeps me out. Adrian, you are a child, please enjoy at least some of your life before you start another life.

In the first of this week’s offensive ethnic stereotypes, Jane Mancini is having sex with Jeff, who keeps getting phone calls from his mom and Jane, creepily is all “We could have sex whiiile you talk to your mother…” And he’s all, “A Jewish boy’s dream!” Jane, who says that? I’d pass Jeff’s comments off as a total joke, but developments in the episode make me doubt myself.

Grace festoons her bed with rose petels and lights candles in an effort to seduce… herself. She puts on She-bop and gets down to business. Now, this is one of the finest masturbation songs in the world, but not particularly current. Grace’s drink of the episode? The Orgasm (Grand Marnier, Irish Cream, and Cointreau). You’ll want plenty of these ingredients on hand.

The Sausage Prince was hiding Maria (his Italian lovah) in the closet. Apparently the Sausage King knows Maria’s father– because he’s in the mob! Of course he is. Maria is an Italian on tv. Other ethnic stereotype achieved! For Maria you will drink The Godfather (Amaretto and Scotch).

(Also Maria and the mob bosses last name? Mancini. Nice one, Melrose aficionados.)

Meanwhile, Amy and Anne are grocery shopping, at eleven o’clock at night. I note the time because they repeat this over and over again. Please. If I didn’t grocery shop at eleven at night I would never have food. Amy flirts with a boy at the store whose Dad is Anne’s ex from high school and the brother of the guy Anne slept with in Chicago. Dude demands that Anne kiss him, which is pretty forward for someone he hasn’t seen in years. Apparently Chicago dude forwards his emails from Anne to grocery store dude. Cree.py. Anne seems turned on. That’s why her drink is the Dirty Mother (Brandy and Kahlua).

Amy is uncharacteristically charming while flirting with the dude, yet more proof that Ricky and Ben bring out the worst in her. I’m just afraid that if they break up Ben will go on an international sex spree, and I’m not sure my stomach can take that.

Ricky is being an ASSHOLE to Adrian. All “If we can’t have sex can I go home?” I don’t understand the aversion some dudes have to cuddling. Cuddling is awesome, and it’s not exactly a commitment. Ricky lies that he’s really trying to make it work with Adrian.

Grace (have another Orgasm!) is brushing her hair like a Disney princess when Jack comes in, sees the rose petals, and accuses her of cheating. For Grace masturbation is like an opioid narcotic apparently, as her response is to dreamily sigh “Whaaaaatever.”

Jeff and Jane Mancini are in bed when Jeff’s mom busts in all “Is this the widow? Your husband and my son have only been dead six months… but I like you!” Invasive mom who intrudes incestuously on sex life turns out not to be a joke? Offensive ethnic stereotype: Check! It turns out that Jeff is a democrat and Jane is a Republican (who voted for Obama). Jeff is shocked but, what? I find it’s pretty easy to suss out someone’s political views if you have any conversations with them at all. Especially since Jeff claims to love Jane Mancini.

Jane and Grace have a very awkward mother-daughter moment while Jane is geeking out about the three little words. She’s all “He loves me? He loves me!!”

Grace: Who?
Jane: …. Jesus! [Heh.]
Grace: Not Jesus. Jeff? It’s Jeff, right? You guys are already telling each other you love each other?
Jane: I didn’t tell him, he just told me right now on the phone. Grace be happy. I’m happy for you when good things happen to you.
Grace: Well actually… good things have been happening to me lately.
Jane: Oh?
Grace wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
Jane: Oh! Awesome, huh?
Grace: Oh yeah. I’m so happy I may never see Jack again!

Jane looks worried, even though this is exactly what she wanted when she told Grace to masturbate. For Jane Mancini, the Royal Widow (Crown Royale and Amaretto) and for Grace… another Orgasm!

Ricky the disgusting sleaze has brought a girl back home to have sex with, and it’s little Ruthie from 7th Heaven, whom I totally did not recognize at first. Her acting (not that there’s much of it) seems to have improved. She whips out a multi-colored condom and confirms this is just for fun, although, turns out it’s more for revenge. For these two: a Quick Fuck (Schnapps, Irish Cream, Midori).

Amy is back and her good attitude was left at the grocery store near Mimsy’s, probably in the abandoned shopping cart. Amy and George have a conversation about the paternity of little Robbie and Amy gets all back-talky, so George is all “I’m you’re father” and Amy’s all “Sure about that?” Ouch. Amy picks a passive aggressive little fight with Ashley all “I’m happy Dad gave you this room because I have something better than this room– an SUV and a license. Freedom! And a new guy in my life!” That’s… a pretty low bar for a relationship Amy.

Ashley tells Amy about the guy in Chicago, which is, apparently, news to Amy. Ashley is all smug: “I guess Dad and I are closer than you and Mom.” For Amy and Ashley you can have any kind of Sour you want. (I like Whiskey so, Whiskey, Lemon, Triple Sec.)

Wrapping up loose ends… Ben has been waffling all episode about breaking up with Amy, so Adrian tells him to suck it up and stay with Amy, since she’s just about to have sex with him and he loves her. Which seems untrue. Jack finds out from Tom to the tune of fifty five dollars) that Grace isn’t cheating, she’s just incessantly masturbating. (Have another Orgasm!) Although Tom actually says Grace is cheating by having sex with herself, by herself. That is… a very strict definition of cheating. Ricky confronts Amy about leaving and tells her he’ll be getting an agreement in court.

And in a scene that broke my hearth, Ruthie calls up Adrian to tell her she had sex with Ricky as payback for Adrian sleeping with her boyfriend.

Cheaters suck, Adrian, take a cue from Grace and just she-bop!

There Is Such a Thing as Bad Sex

January 7, 2010

If you’re not watching Secret Life of the American Teenager, you should be. It’s definitely the greatest amount of giddiness per second for me. It’s definitely in the So bad it’s good category (I should totally start a tag for that…. done!) but also in the anthropology category, since as we’ve noted, it’s fascinating to try to determine what Christian values of today are. For example, this week’s episode seems to suggest that masturbation is a great thing to do and oral sex isn’t real sex. I’m sort totally on board with these things! I definitely don’t ahem count oral toward my number, but I thought the appalled Christian masses disapproved and that this was a holdover from my Catholic (everything but(t)) days. I mean, Taylor Swift acts completely repulsed by french kissing and Christian Side Hugs exist because even a friendly embrace is too tempting.

Anyway! I really needed these previouslies, because I totally forgot many things that happened on this show… like George not knowing if the baby is his and that Jane Mancini (whose hair looks like it was cut by a weedwhacker while she was borrowing Jenny Humphrey’s eyeliner) is dating an infant! Fun times!

The dadaism starts immediately with Ben insisting to Madison and Lauren that he’s not breaking up with Amy (“You’re supposed to be a wordsmith, Madison!” Really? When did we ever get that impression? Also, these episode is blissfully free of Amy.) He retches and then runs off to throw up. What the hell? Does Ben have morning sickness? Don’t worry, this is never explained.

Adrian figures out via punnett square that something is fishy in paternity land (maybe) and then non-sensically tells Grace there’s no such thing as bad sex. WRONG Adrian, child, you have been very fortunate. I don’t really want to overshare too badly here, but trust.

So… Blossom is in this episode, as the new guidance counselor, Dr. Bink. All the kids keep acting like “Bink” is some kind of innuendo, but unless I’m out of touch… it’s not? She was fired from her last job for having sex with a student but actually just for going to prom with one, all learned through helpful exposition by Joe, the fake ID supplier.

Sample dialogue?

Joe: [Ashley’s] protector… this Griffin guy, he’s Gayer Gay Gayerson.
Blossom: That’s pretty gay.
Joe: There’s a clown car with the sidekicks, Henry and Alice, whose relationship is so hot it’s contributed to global warning [Really? I thought it was established the sex between them was bad.] and with the two of them is [sic] Lauren and Madison.
Blossom: Lesbians?
Joe: Not yet, but maybe down the line. [I’m warning you show, do NOT let this happen.]
Blossom: And they all left campus to have sex together?
Joe: No, just with anyone they could find.

Joe’s idea of roving sex gangs here reminds me of some of my early misconceptions about sex (Namely, once you lost your V you were just open for business! Steady stream of sex for the rest of your life!) which I’d call verite, but I don’t trust the writers that much.

So yeah, everyone is skipping school to have sex with whoever they can find. Gradrian and Griffley are driving around together, with Adrian giving us a lecture on statutory rape laws. It’s kind of awesome. Grace demands of Griffin: “Tell us about gay sex!”

Educational opportunities! But, no, the show has Griffin pass. Probably because Brenda Hampton doesn’t know anything about gay sex other than urban legends about hamsters. My personal favorite moment is when Griffin unearths Ashley’s “secret” that she was just at the beach— with her family! And Donovan and Leon! Griffin acts really pissed about this and is like, “Donovan and Leon are gay, right? You haven’t introduced me because…..?”

Of for fuck’s sake. Griffin is the worst gay friend in the history of television. No, Griffin, Ashley isn’t legally required to introduce all the gays she knows to one another. You have nothing in common with these guys other than being gay. Why do you, a teenager, want to hang out with some middle-aged dudes? I mean, I know you’re insufferable, but that doesn’t seem to be the show’s position.

Ben’s Italian girl on the side shows up at the beach all windswept and Italian, so that’s probably going to provide an insufferable jealous Amy plot. Sigh.

I can’t wait for next week!

SLAT Scripts Are Special in Every Sense of the Word

September 1, 2009

To make sense of the following, it should be read with the knowledge that our beloved Betty, played  by the inimitable and geeeeniouss Jennifer Coolidge, is a former prostitute.

Random yard sale attendee:  “Why do you have a dentist’s chair?”

Betty:  “They’re very comfortable.  They’re the most comfortable chairs in the world, and when you spend a lot of hours at the dentist you want to be comfortable, right?”

Random yard sale attendee’s mom:  “Right, yeah…I’m gonna take the red heels, they look as if they’ve hardly been worn.”

Betty:  “Oh yeah, I mean they’ve hardly touched the floor…”

To make sense of the following, it should be read with the knowledge that Grace is dimwitted and exceedingly Christian.

Grace:  “I’m sorry…I just think it’s that time of the month…<awkward pause>…I think I just caught my monthly visitor…<awkward pause>…Jack, my Aunt Flo is in the house…<awkward pause>…the painters are here…I fell off the roof [ok forgive me for being an in-the-dark-in-these-events ‘mo, but huh?]…”

Jack:  “Sounds like your vagina’s really busy.”

To make sense of the following, it should be read with the knowledge that Tom has Down Syndrome and Tammy is also eligible for the Special Olympics in some way to be determined, and they are hilarious because I am a terrible person but hey so is Brenda Hampton and co.

Tom:  “I waaaaaaaaaaaant youuuu….”

Tammy:  <giggles> “I like it when you talk like that…but I like it better when it’s over the phone.  I have to go.  Call me, Tom.”

Um, mega burn to the physical attractiveness of people with Down Syndrome?  What the hell is going on here?

Who Wants Cake?

August 21, 2009

This week’s SLAT took on a Lynchian quality when Tom got pissed at his mom and Grace because Grace’s boyfriend, Jack helped fix something and Tom felt like his role as man of the house was usurped. Seriously, Grace and Jane Mancini looked completely terrified of him when they were cowering in the kitchen about the anger that had been building.

Does Tom have a history as a mass murderer the show hasn’t gone into? It just seemed waaaay too intense. Doostyn and I found it to be, hand’s down our favorite scene of this week’s show (word of day is slut, fyi), and Doostyn noted that it bore a striking resemblance to the classic Strangers with Candy scene in Who Wants Cake when Mr. Jellineck is listening to the audiotape for Retardation: A Celebration:

Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to ‘Retardation: A Celebration.’ Now, hopefully with this book, I’m gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don’t rule the night. They don’t rule it – nobody does. And they don’t run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don’t lock eyes with ‘em, don’t do it. Puts ‘em on edge. They might go into berserker mode, come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming, ‘No, no, no,’ – all they hear is, ‘Who wants cake?’ Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake. Well, that’s it for the celebration. I guess the most important thing to remember is, they’re just like you and me.

Various groups have pulled their advertising from SLAT for one reason or another: too much teen sex, gay characters, good taste, but I’m surprised that no one has objected to the horrific representation of people with Down Syndrome.

I guess SLAT is marginally better than Brenda Hampton’s last offering, 7th Heaven, which depicted everyone with Down Syndrome as an angel and preternaturally wise, but you know, not by much. I guess if Brenda wanted to open the eyes of the American public that people with DS can be enormous assholes just like everyone else, then mission accomplished, your last tv show thesis has been debunked.

What makes the SLAT scenario offensive is the sense that people are tolerating this extremely bad behavior because the character has Down Syndrome, or worse that that makes it somehow adorable or inherently hilarious. How completely condescending. The show also hasn’t really addressed why Tom is still living at home as an adult and doesn’t seem to work or really do anything other than exert his patriarchal control over the women in his life. I guess it doesn’t occur to Brenda to give this character a full life outside of his disability.

Which is, you know, completely surprising, given how fully fleshed out the rest of the SLAT crew is.

Hi I’m a homosexual how can I help your heterosexual existence?

August 11, 2009

The Secret Life of the American Teenager definitely qualifies as the most watchable yet most frustrating show I watch on a weekly basis.  The twisted conservative (but hip!) moralizing is always something to roll your eyes at (see Studies in Line reading with Professor Coolidge), but tonight I was just pissed.

I was excited and slightly horrified in anticipation at what a gay teen would bring to the show this season, and have come to find that horrified (not slightly) is way more apt.  Griffin is a gay stereotype of the worst degree, a particular kind that really puts an itch in my big gay rectum that even the most gigantic of big gay dildos can’t scratch.  He apparently is around for the sole purpose of saving Ashley from being cast into slut-dom upon her entrance into the sex-drenched halls of the American high school (and what’s so fucking secret about this sex-drenching anyway…every kid talks about it constantly, even the adults’ boring sex lives…why do high schoolers care about 40somethings’ sexcapades?!?!).

First eyebrow raising moment of the episode in regards to Griffin’s neutered heterosexual assistance pledge :  He brushes off a potential suitor who approaches Ashley in said sex-drenched hallway.  Not only does he act all chivalrous/chauvinist about her dating (why does he fucking care, and why doesn’t sassy Ashley tell him to back the fuck off?), but then he goes one crazy ass step further and says “Remember we said no dating in high school!” after a guy approaches him for a date!  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!

No, no, no, no Brenda Hampton and the other producers of this show that is damaging little teen brains across the nation!!!!  I may be able to look at this train wreck and not get permanent mental damage from it, but I’m not so sure younger more impressionable minds can.  This is not what gays are for!  We do not have an inexorable male impluse to save ladies from slutty disaster, and we do not care who or how often they date in this kind of sense.  Perhaps, for those of us with lady friends (and yes, that is a stereotype I’m comfortable in confirming, we typically have lots of straight female friends), we might like to know these things just like we would like to know about any other thing happening in a friend’s life, but we certainly do not meet a girl, declare her our friend (weirdly kind of against her will in this case….is this like homosexually hetero date rape or something?), and then, as Griffin pledges to Ashley’s father at the end of the episode, make it our personal mission to protect her girlish honor.  If anything, we ask “How big do you think his deeeeeeeeeeeeck is?”  and encourage a better understanding of the matter through the perfected homo-art of fellatio.

Some gay stereotypes are perfectly acceptable and can be played up (stereotype does not always equal bad), but when it’s this deluded (we’re entering Object of My Affection/Next Best Thing territory here…shudder), it needs to go.  Griffin and Ashley better start acting like the other teens on this show (oral sex, pregancy [not with each other!!!], father-killing awesome intercourse…all commonplace) or this show might not be a Booze Tube favorite anymore.  (Gnatalby you can continue to watch in “secret” shame if you’d like…I probably will too even if I declare otherwise.  Damn you addictively bad teen soaps!)