The Biggest Love of All

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Big Love get in my double vagina.  You is lookin’ somethin’ fierce and I want you inside me.

You are the best show on television.  Oh it’s a bold statement I know but just try to make me take it back. It’s out there now.  It’s on the table.  Deal with it.

All I wanna do is make love to you (by which I mean of course pick you up on the side of the road on a rainy night, have you shoot jets of your virile juices all up in the biznatch, write you a cheesy poem about flowers and seeds and gardens and trees before leaving you in the middle of the night, meet up with you years later, have you recognize the face of YOUR OWN CHILD and then explain how I actually love some other dude but other dude’s sperm count was really low and I needed a baby really badly.  My own little pregnancy pact.  Is that too much to ask?).

[Confused?  Pay very close attention to the lyrics, and all around awesomeness, of this seminal, or perhaps semenal, zing!, anthem]:

I want all of you to be my collective lover.  That’s right, multiple lovers, polygamy, polyamory, sluttiness, call it what you will, it’s my choice and I choose my choice.

Margene you have such bang-fusing-with-side-of-hair-into-frightening-ball-of-crazy-on-side-of-head issues, but you know who you are and you make no apologies. You’re all (to your fellow sister wives): “So what, I need lots of sex because I have a giant sex drive, soooooorryyy if I want to fuck one of our sons.” Not exactly word for word, and yeah, there’s some ick factor (lots actually) but sometimes you gotta just tell it like it is.

Nicki, you have a teenage daughter and you rock so hard at the having of one.  Remember when you brought her to D.C. and were calling random passers-by sluts, but also trying to broaden your daughter’s horizons a bit, let her bun down a little, and then she told the security guards you had a gun in your purse and things got a little nutty?  I do.  I have it on video.

Barb, precious, sweet, “the sugar has hit the fan!” Barb.  What can I not say?  Your tears are my fears, because gurrrl when the water works are on I get weak.  Tearing up because daughter Sarah is running away (in a different dress than your admittedly plain and boring but SPECIAL wedding gown that you wore to your own wedding back when it was just 1 + 1 = still Mormon weird but not 3 wives weird) to get married at the Justice of the Peace, which is so not celestial.  Yeah, that worked on my heart strings.  Sweat it out in that lodge honey, and snatch yourself some hot Native American ass when Mormon Jesus isn’t looking.

Oh Bill.  Misogynist.  Polygamist.  Sexing with the nurse while your wife has cancer then pretty much forcing her to sign on to this “principle” of yours that means lots of B.J.s from different mouths for you and lots of B.S. from all directions for your ladies.  You’re invited too.  I felt for you this last episode, having hotheadly exiled your son, realizing your mistake too late, revealing a law-breaking past, speechifying about tolerance for those with different beliefs than ourselves for the sake of humanity.  You have my sympathy.  Quick get in on this love before I find you skin-crawling again.

Okay now that we’re all comfortably in my double vagina, tell me: We get a fucking planet to rule over when we die?  Awesome, tater totes in on that shit!

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3 Responses to “The Biggest Love of All”

  1. gnatalby Says:

    Law breaker Bill’s hair was also out of control. Was that a feathered mullet I saw? Also, I generally think Ben is as cute as a button, but he needs to cut down the enormous topiary growing on his head. I’m starting to sound like I only watch for the hair. Untrue!

    The confrontation between the wives was amazing, especially how Nicki didn’t know what was going on, and boy did Margene play that wrong.

    I really felt for Ben and Barb this episode. Barb is like, the least polygamist savvy, I think, since she just got thrust into the world, so I’m sure it’s extra awful that Bill got all compound patriarch creepy about her son. On that token, I really love how Nicki is the one who is in the best position to understand Bill this episode, since she sometimes seems like the odd one out in the marriage, but she’s most up on compound culture. But I am extra impressed that she’s still appalled by what Bill did to Ben.

    Such a great show. I can’t believe I sympathize with “ex-gay” Mormons and polygamist patriarchs.

  2. Sadako Says:

    Oh, man, I love how no matter how bad things get, Barb can’t bring herself to drop an s bomb. And Margene can try to get into her son’s pants but the worst thing is that she said “Eff you.” She is such a Mormon at heart.

  3. Walker Family Planning « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] the Home Plus books. Maybe Margene should marry Don. She’s not a lesbian, and we all know she has an enormous sex drive, so it would be an upgrade for him, but it looks like she’s leaving one polygamous household […]

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