Posts Tagged ‘Secret Life of the American Teenager’

The SLAT Custody Battle is no Kramer vs. Kramer is All I’m Saying

March 17, 2010

Last week’s SLAT was excruciatingly dull. It was pretty much just people having conversations with one another.

This week’s was ludicrous, and wonderful.

Adrian captures line of the week early with the irrefutable: “When people have something in common, like a common hate, what you do you call those people? FRIENDS.”

But then Adrian also gets worst comment of the week (it’s like the EGOT of SLAT to get best and worst) by going all Rielle saying: “Amy, accept responsibility because if you had had sex with Ben I wouldn’t have been able to get him to have sex with me.”

Little known fact: men are like baby ducklings. Once they imprint on one lady’s shame-cave they can never have sex with anyone else EVER.

Ben's lucky he wasn't exposed an olden time animal behaviorist for his first.

In the running, from the same convo, was Amy telling Adrian she thought that she and Ben would be each others’ first time. The premise of the show you are on is that you got knocked up after a one nighter with some other dude while cashing in your v-chip, keep up Amy!

Jack told Madison he wouldn’t turn her in (for offering him a bejammer in exchange for favorable character witnessing for Amy) if she did it with him (although then he said he was kidding, but I think he was kidding in the Nelly way: unless you’re gonna do it.), to which doostyn says: “!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blackmail rape! In high school! This show is so two faced: like it can be juicier than Gossip Girl, but would never claim to be.”

The A-plot of the episode is that Amy and Ricky are finally going into mediation for their custody battle. It’s funny because normally when dudes whine about custody I’m like “Whatever dude, it’s the only thing in the patriarchy that actually benefits women, so go cry about it in your money bed and enjoy seeing only people with dicks on C-SPAN.” But I despise Amy so much that I’m forced to take Ricky’s part, even though he makes it hard for me by insisting on having custody of the child on a day he works all day and plans to leave him with his parents. It makes NO sense, therefore, that Amy can’t have John on Saturday, I don’t care how involved Ricky’s foster parents want to be.

My favorite moment was Amy’s Kimberley Shaw and her Glorious Alter Egos rage freakout on the bench after Ricky left. What was that about? Whenever Amy shows strong emotions I want to laugh. I’m so mean.

I find Grace’s romantic storyline troubling, since I don’t buy Ben as a romantic lead. And Grace is all “You should get custody of John too, since you were there for Amy all those months after she gave birth.” Yes, Grace, let’s give THE WHOLE TOWN custody of John. Everyone can have him for 5 minutes a day, problem solved!

Everyone makes character witnessing videos for Amy and then Ricky, and most of them are mired in high school issues, which I’m sure was like, so thrilling for the mediator. The greatest part about that was that Amy has a little epiphany and realizes she should let Ricky see John, and the mediator is like, “That’s nice, but it’s still my decision, not yours, and you are now legally required to let Ricky take John on the weekends.” FACED!

I can’t stand Ashley’s fug boyfriend, and, good news, she seems to have nothing but paper thinly veiled contempt for him. Still, condommania continues as Ashley is grilled about why, as the sister of a teenager with a baby, she keeps condoms. Apparently her icky boyfriend has had sex before and would like to do it with Ashley. Like everyone else on this show, they seem set to do it after Leo and Betty’s wedding. Because, as doostyn notes: “Nothing says let’s fuck like the origin of bed death. Besides, wedding sex isn’t something you plan, it just…happens.”

(Now you can fill in a wedding sex anecdote about either of us bloggers you deem appropriate. We’ll never confirm or deny.)

Dating never looks anything but excruciating on this show. If I were an alien learning about human culture from broadcasts of SLAT I’d think romance was a punishment for terrorists.

Doostyn says: It would be excruciating to date on that show. You’d have to gossip with your parents– and possibly other people’s parents– about every kiss and fondle, and the school counselor would call you in and you’d be like “Aaaagh what is blossom doing here” and then she’d say your date was a disaster of genocidal proportions so she’s making you go to the school dance with your great grandmother.”

And just to cement all the horror of the last hour, the show leaves us by suggesting that Adrian is pregnant. Noooooooooooo.

Or (doostyn again): “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Kill the evil spawn! I’m assuming it’s ben’s. I guess it could be Ricky’s, so might not be AS evil, either way, it’s wrong.
Me: No, apparently the condom broke with Ben.
doostyn: Ewwwwwwwwww
me: and Adrian’s late.
doostyn: Ben splooge: the only thing worse is a Ben baby.

(Note: welcome, influx of SLAT googlers querying “Who did Adrian have sex with after the mother-daughter dance” the answer, I hope you will be dismayed to learn, is Ben. EW. Also, I’m amazed as this implies that SLAT picks up new viewers every week, which is pretty discouraging. RuPaul’s Drag Race is on Mondays, people! Watch that!)

BBSee I Told You It Was Awesome

February 23, 2010

The Olympics has really ruined tv, I’ll tell you what. Apart from Nip/Tuck, Big Love, SLAT and One Tree Hill everything else is on a break. I realize that four hour-long shows comprises many a person’s whole tv schedule (or even more!) but I am no ordinary tv blogger.

At such lulls I tend to make it up by consuming whole seasons of shows, and nothing goes down easier than British half-hour comedies. At only six or eight episodes per series they’re only a slightly longer commitment than a movie, which is a double-edged sword, since I often end up wanting more. As is the case with The Inbetweeners and (I can already tell, though I’m only 3 episodes in) The Beautiful People. Both are shows about teenagers (my favorite kind of show), misfits in particular (my favorite kind of teenager). The Inbetweeners has the distinction of being the show that made pedophilia surprisingly hilarious.

Even though the characters would be supremely irritating in real life, I find that I’m really rooting for them to procure booze and get laid– they’re much better at the first.

The Beautiful People is, in some ways, a much broader comedy, but a) teen gays, can you argue with that? and b) who couldn’t love a character who won a lifetime’s supply of generic gin by composing the following poem:

Gin gin, where do I begin.
Having you inside me
is like an old friend popping in.

Brilliant.

The Mother-Daughter Dance

February 19, 2010

The “action” of this week’s SLAT was the Mother-Daughter dance. Even the show knew it was a failure… the only person dancing was Blossom (who is like, seconds from toppling her boobs out of that sad Rodarte for Target looking dress)!

The rest of the tunage was Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” on repeat until Blossom both rips off Mean Girls and compares high school to Holocaust. It’s basically the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen on tv. Apparently the lesson of the Holocaust is that girls should be nicer to each other and that women have the power to end all wars.

Godwin's Law! Godwin's Law!

Then everyone does the hora. Hey, it’s like dances at my high school!

The condom drama continues. Riddle me this: Amy is a huuuuuuuge slattern who is obviously open for business all over town for having one condom (and, hello! She’s already been teen pregnant once, that shit’s just prudent) but Ashley has a whole dedicated condom cozy but no one blinks twice at that shit. I carried a condom in my purse and had one in the car for 3 years before I ever had sex. Sometimes girls who worry over prepare!

I thought we were going to have a revelation that Madison’s mother isn’t really dead based on this conversation:

Lauren’s Mom: That dead parents club, has given her a really great place to vent. She and Jack started a club for kids whose parents are… dead who need a place to vent. They meet all the time!
Madison’s Step-mom: That’s not true, that can’t be. They might be meeting but it’s probably not about dead parents, it’s probably about sex. Oh I don’t think there’s a real club called that.
Lauren’s Mom: The dead. Parents. Club. Yeah.
Madison’s Step-mom: No, I don’t think Madison would be in anything like that.
Lauren’s Mom: Madison is having sex?
Madison’s Step-mom: Well… kind of?

Doesn’t it sound like Madison’s mom isn’t really dead? If that happens, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. (I don’t know how that would square with last week’s heart to heart, but if Madison’s step-mom thinks having sex means you aren’t still grieving, then how does she explain the popularity of funeral sex?)

Grace is mooning over Ben, and S.S. Officer Adrian disregards this and pledges to fuck Ben to spite Amy because Amy *might* be having sex. I am annoyed, because Adrian is right to be suspicious of Ricky, but I’m kind of surprised that she’s dicking over her best friend like this, but I’m team Gradrian for life.

Amy: Nothing’s wrong with me. Something’s wrong with Jimmy. And with Ben. And with any other guy that doesn’t like me.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

You hear that, doostyn? Something is wrong with you. Amy is just ludicrously unself-aware. Everyone hates you and your only redeeming quality is your shiny hair.

Everyone in this town needs to stop saying “I love you” in pizza. Unless they’re going to send me a pizza too. Don’t bring pizza unless you’re going to share with the whole class. And stop ruining cribbage for me, Ben.

Taking it! Personally!

February 12, 2010

May I offer you wine and a cigarette like they do in Fraaaaaaahnz? Red wine has all those cardiovascular benefits, that’s why I drink to much of it! That and needing a little something to wash down the inconsistencies and inaccuracies of Secret Life. This week’s episode is titled “Let’s Try That Again,” but I’m serious, absolutely nothing is tried again.

Amy has the worst friends, but really, no worse than she deserves. They taunt her at her locker about how her dad won’t go to counseling with her mom so the Juergens will tater totes get divorced, plus Amy’s probably a bad kisser, which is why she can’t get a man (even though Amy has at least three dudes chasing her at a time). Why is Amy friends with these people? Instead of telling them what they can shove and where Amy is all: “If I were a bad kisser we [Amy and grocery lad] wouldn’t have made out for two hours!” Okay, I remember being a teenager, but now that I’m a wizened old crone I feel like, “Who has the time for multiple hours of making out?”

As I typed to Doostyn in medias res, what is with this show and its relentless attempt to improve America’s sexual self esteem with straight up LIES like “Everyone’s a good kisser” from this episode or “There’s no such thing as bad sex.” It’s not true, and hoes like Ricky and Adrian should know this, but they’re the ones peddling these lies! (Though it’s worth nothing that whorishness is a matter of attitidue, not of fact, as shown in this handy chart of who’s had sex with whom on SLAT. Note that Ricky and Jack have the same number as do Adrian and Grace’s moms. Also, Grace has dated all the male leads now, so she’ kind of ho-ier than Adrian.)

Ricky disappoints me by offering to makeout with Amy for practice. RICKY. No. Do not offer to practice kissing with Amy when you are going out with Adrian. It’s both hurtful to my favorite character and too good a thing by half to happen to Amy (who fucking sucks, in case my opinion isn’t clear. And Anne’s not much better, she’s like, Amy’s elder indecisive whiny clone).

Now, marvel as the writers of this piece of trash can’t remember what happens in this very episode, never mind from week to week. Grace arrives at school and sees Blossom the guidance counselor putting up posters.

Grace:What is that
Blossom: It’s a poster. [LOL duh.] I made it myself. [How nice for you!] It’s for the mother daughter dance. It’s sort of a ritual I like to do in the springtime. [Jesus Brenda Hampton, she’s Jewish not Wiccan.]
Grace: We always have a father daughter dance.
Blossom: I know there’s usually a father daughter dance, but mother daughter dances are always interesting and usually fun. I started switching our dads with moms, oh years ago… Something going on with your mom? The new boyfriend?
Grace: He’s not a boyfriend, just some younger man she’s seeing to embarrass me. Her husband, my father, hasn’t even been dead for a year.
Blossom: It’s a year of mourning with the protestants? [Oh don’t try to lure me in with Protestant bashing, I’m wise to your baits and switches.]
Grace: I don’t think there’s any rule.
Blossom making sad face: Oh so, it just hurts? [Abrupt switch to happy face.] Life is for the living.
Grace: Not without respect for the dead.
Blossom: That’s kind of what this is about, the mother daughter dance.

It is? What? Huh? But… how? Time for shameful admissions, this episode actually touched a nerve with me. My Mom died a couple years ago and my Dad is dating again, so I really feel for Grace this episode, since I am constantly forced to bite my tongue from bitching him out about not showing proper respect for the dead, so I might be projecting here but YOU SUCK JANE MANCINI YOUR HUSBAND DIED LIKE FOUR MONTHS AGO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

That’s probably enough of the Kanye caps. Grace storms off the main office without getting Blossom’s signature who twoshadows (like foreshadowing for a scene that’s too close to create any tension) that Grace will be back. Madison is waiting in Blossom’s office to bitterly vent, and for a moment I find her sympathetic too, which is generally a sign to ask me if I’m feeling all right.

Madison: We need to talk about this mother daughter dance. you know, some of us don’t have mothers. It’s wrong, it’s just wrong and it’s awkward for me and for anyone else like me who’s lost a mother to death or divorce or career or whatever.

You had me and then you lost me Madison. When your parents are divorced or your mom has a job (!!!!) your mom is still around. It’s really NOT AT ALL like she’s dead, Jesus.

Blossom: Your mom passed away?
Madison: Five years ago.
Blossom: Did your dad remarry?
Madison: What does that have to do with anything she’s not my mother.
Blossom: What’s her name?
Madison: I call her my wicked stepmother, he calls her Emily. I don’t want to dance with her.
….
Blossom: How long has your dad been married to her?
Madison: Three years. And they dated a year before that. Just a year after my mom died. At least I think it was a year. They could have been going out longer.

Oh jeez. Girl I feel you on all of this shiz, except that my Dad has yet to marry the Wicked Queen. Expect petulant internet rantings if that does come to pass though.

Blossom: Might be time for the two of you to get to know each other. [WHATEVER BLOSSOM I’LL GET TO KNOW HER IN HELL!]
Madison: Well, my father and I have an agreement. I don’t have to get to know her as long as I ‘m not rude to her.
Blossom: Tell me about her.
Madison: She flirted with my dad, and she conned him into marrying her and then she took over everything in the house and she ruined my life.

Did she make your father take down pictures of your mom? That may or may not have happened in SOME OF OUR childhood homes.

Grace, Lauren, and Amy all show up to the office for reasons of contrivance. Amy’s shitty friends pressure her to have her parents go to counseling with Lauren’s dad. Grace is cranky. She snaps at them all to butt out (frickin’ finally) and storms out, where she runs into Adrian all: “Leave me alone. I’m late, I have to get to class. I don’t have time to talk to you, I wish I had never talked to you.”

Turns out she’s mad because Jane Mancini is talking about marrying the young guy. Now, when did Grace learn this in relation to the earlier scene which also took place in school when Grace denied he was even a real boyfriend? Did Jane Mancini come to the school and take Grace aside in the hallway? Who knows! Not the writers, certainly. And like, Jane Mancini sucks here, but I don’t know why Grace is taking it out on Adrian who can’t possibly have done anything. (Although later it seems she has psychically divined this info.)

Now the Mancinis are at home and Jane is trying to justify her extreme faithlessness and disrespect for the dead by being all: “People who are happy in marriage get married right away after their spouse dies!” Grace bitches that no one asked whether the children were happier. Jane is all: “Grace you’re hardly a child, and Tom is hardly a child either.” For once, truth! Tom is like 30.

We finally meet Jack’s mom, and it’s Vampire Pam! The greatest vampire in recorded history! She summarizes Jack’s situation with all her awesome: “He’s choosing between oral sex with a fun redhead and a chance to go all the way with a mixed up blonde.”

The weekly telephone montaging begins. Why doesn’t this show understand that watching people talk on the phone is increeeeeedibly dull. Apparently even Adrian and Ashley talk on the phone now. Doostyn points out “It’s like they, too, watch the show, and are like ‘oh we’re on the same show, maybe we should talk some time?'”

Ashley bitches about how no one wants to know how her date with the creepiest pizza delivery man on earth went. (Yeah, I skipped a week and so we didn’t talk about that, but it was UBER creepy with creepy pizza guy being all “Let’s go to your dark isolated back yard yes….. You’re all alone you say?”) Adrian hilariously comforts her: “You’re young and you’re strong Ashley.”

Jeez, is this Lifetime? Ashley snaps back: “I’m what, a year younger than Amy and two years younger than you.”

Madison has apparently gotten over her stepmother issues, as she makes an excuse (algebra) to hang out with her and talk about oral. Wish I were kidding. I don’t think I’ll ever get there with the Wicked Queen, nor frankly, do I want to.

We learn from Jane Mancini that Tom and Betty stay in touch and Jane is all snobby about Betty. Whatever, Jane Mancini, Betty is the best thing about this show.

All the dudes come over to “talk to” Grace. Ben and Jack sort out who owns the little woman in the hallway.

Ben: This is a stupid idea. When I couldn’t get Grace I texted—
Jack: You texted me and when you didn’t get me you thought I’d be over here so you came over been there. And you did call Adrian and she told you that Ricky was over at Amy’s– she called Grace. they really are friends, they fight but they’re friends.
Ben: Yeah I did talk to Adrian. And then I talked to Ashley because Adrian wanted me to talk to Ashley. I really wish I hadn’t talked to Ashley.

Jesus Christ. If there’s one thing more boring to watch than telephone conversations it’s a discussion about telephone conversations. (Perhaps I’ve compounded the boring by blogging about it. Oops.) Anyway, Ben wishes he hadn’t talked to Ashley because she presumably told him that she saw Ricky and Amy making out.

Now for the most random thing of the night, Tom busts in on Grace and Jane’s heart to heart, all: “I love Tammi and asked her to marry me. Just kidding! I am not getting married to Tammi, I’m going to wait for Adrian.”

That thought makes me ill.

Ashley closes us out with some sage words to Anne about wanting her to come back. “You know how it with babies, they either push you together like Amy and Ricky or pull you apart like you and dad.”

Fucking Babies. If there’s one thing they are, it’s conniving.

Just Say ME!

January 28, 2010

What a strange hour of SLAT this week.

Grace proselytizes the joys of masturbation and gets all the girls in school to band together in swearing off guys and instead taking matters into their own hands. They decide “masturbation” sounds icky and start calling it “Just Say Me!” This phrase is repeated about 9 million times in the episode and boy are the boys uncomfortable with it. Ricky particularly, is a disgusting sleaze, commenting that he likes it when Adrian and Amy are fighting because it makes Adrian work harder in bed to keep him, which is fucking repulsive.

He also announces that Adrian has had sex with him for a year, so she’s not allowed to just stop, which is pretty rapey and entitled. I don’t understand what Adrian sees in him, she can do so much better and I definitely don’t mean Tom.

In the end all the boys end up asking the girls out, and I actually laughed out loud when Madison bumped into Jack and said “I didn’t see you!” And he retorted: “Maybe that’s because you WENT BLIND last week!” Hee olden tyme masturbation myths. The best exchange of the night though was Ashley and Amy talking about masturbation and Amy claims that she never does anything without thinking and Ashley goes: “Have you met your son, John?” Bwah!

Continuity on this show continues to suck. Griffin is goading Ashley that she needs to get a boyfriend, but the entire basis of their friendship is a pact not to date in high school. If I can remember that you can too, writers!

Overall it was a surprisingly enjoyable hour of tv which actually said things I agree with: masturbation is a great way take care of sexual urges when you’re not sure you want the complications of a man in your life. That said, as a teenager I would have died sooner than talk about it frankly with my mom, that said I have friends whose parents did discuss it with them and they seemed cool about it. I feel like if I had a kid I would just leave helpful books around the house so that they could be informed but wouldn’t have my face looming in their mind’s eye when they were getting off, because thinking of your mom at a time like that? That can ruin even the healthiest sex drive.

Unless you’re Oedipus. Or Freud.

Chupacabra!

January 20, 2010

So apparently SLAT is under the impression that it doesn’t count if you say it in Spanish, hence the repetition of “goat-blower” at 8pm on a family channel. Apparently Adrian broke a window at the butcher shop by throwing her cell phone through it. Girlfriend must have some arm, or that is one thin window.

Ricky:Adrian threw a rock through the window?
Bunny: A cell phone. As she shouted “Chupacabra” it’s a devil dog… goat sucker? You been sucking goats? By sucking goats I mean entertaining other girls in your apt. girls other than Adrian and adrian found out, huh? Sorry chupacabra, you have to pay for the window.

The confrontation between Adrian and Ricky is typical SLAT:

Adrian: [Ruthie Camden] called me and told me she had sex with you; she wanted me to know.
Ricky: And why is that? Why would she want you to know?
Adrian: I don’t know.
Ricky: You slept with her boyfriend before I slept with her, I slept with her to get back at you for sleeping with her boyfriend.
Adrian: I slept with her boyfriend awhile back. And I slept with him to get back at you for sleeping with all those other girls.
Ricky: I slept with all those other girls to get back at you for sleeping with all those other guys.
Adrian: No you didn’t, you slept with all those other girls just because you could
Ricky: You slept with all those other guys just because you could
Adrian: That was before.
Ricky: Before after, who cares?
Adrian: I care, I told you I care I’ve done nothing by try to be nice to you and this is how you treat me
Ricky: How have you tried to be nice to me?
Adrian: I had sex with you.
Ricky: Then you’re nice to everyone, aren’t you?

Grace has sex hair this whole episode, which is funny since we know she’s only having solo sex. Like I said before, it’s like an opioid narcotic the way it calms Grace down. She doesn’t care about Jack and Madison getting together and brightly chirps “I hope we can continue with our dead parents club! I really enjoy it!”

Madison and Jack have slutty oral sex with the door open while his mom is home. Why is it happening? I don’t know. But hilariously it happens while Jack is having the world’s most generic dance party of one. When Madison shows up they rock out together before getting down to business, which actually reminded me of times in college when Doostyn and I would have spontaneous late night dance parties of two or three. But obviously we never went to Bologna after.

Adrian borrowing money from Tom and Tom saying he loves her? Why is it happening? The revelation (thanks to Grace) that Tom and Tammy have phone sex and that Tom pressures Tammy into sex? EW! And WHY IS IT HAPPENING?? I just don’t understand what Tom does with his life other than huff around being patriarchal and manipulative.

Even with Tom in the running, Ben is the creepiest, telling Maria: “Maybe you should have my babies.” Why do all these kids want to have babies? I realize that having a baby has had no impact on Amy’s social life and isn’t much of a cautionary tale, but even still, you’re sixteen!

Ricky’s custody suit seems to have been dropped, and judging by the final moments of the episode, he’s interested in sulky, bratty Amy again for reasons that are unfathomable to me. The only thing this young lady has going for her is her shiny curtain of hair.

A SLAT Drinking Game

January 13, 2010

I have had a wicked cold the past week or so, which has prevented me from one of life’s greatest joys: pairing booze with Secret Life of the American Teenager. So in lieu of actually boozing along to this week’s episode, I’ll just have to fantasize about it. But feel free to take my suggestions, and if you live through the experience, well, mazel, your liver is impressive.

The show opens with the Sausage Prince in his room reading a romance novel called Love & Flame that he apparently got from Betty. This book doesn’t seem to exist in the real world, alas, but jeez Ben, if you want porn use the internet like everyone else. This scene calls for your first drink, A Hairy Virgin (Rum, Triple Sec, OJ).

Griffin, the worst gay friend in the world, is sleeping over at Ashley’s. He tells Ashley that all metrosexuals are gay and makes excused for having his shirt off. Now… I’m not complaining, it’s a nice chest, but I’m getting a vibe that Griffin is maybe secretly straight, which would make this the most baffling and offensive storyline to date. Griffin makes excuses for not dating, because the entire school will never be comfortable with two guys making out. That is a pretty high bar to set. If the whole school had to approve I can’t imagine anyone would get together in high school.

Also having a sleepover, Adrian and Ricky. For this I’m going to recommend a Lime Ricky (gin, vodka, lime, and soda). Ricky is unsatisfied with the concept and is all “How about a sex over!” Ricky slightly endears himself to me in this scene by being really into and committed to Adrian, but that is a pretty fucking fleeting emotion, I’ll foreshadow. For god knows what reason, Adrian is extra enthusiastic about having a future baby with Ricky. Which, I guess isn’t a total surprise after her line last season “Who WOULDN’T want to have Ricky’s baby??” but it still creeps me out. Adrian, you are a child, please enjoy at least some of your life before you start another life.

In the first of this week’s offensive ethnic stereotypes, Jane Mancini is having sex with Jeff, who keeps getting phone calls from his mom and Jane, creepily is all “We could have sex whiiile you talk to your mother…” And he’s all, “A Jewish boy’s dream!” Jane, who says that? I’d pass Jeff’s comments off as a total joke, but developments in the episode make me doubt myself.

Grace festoons her bed with rose petels and lights candles in an effort to seduce… herself. She puts on She-bop and gets down to business. Now, this is one of the finest masturbation songs in the world, but not particularly current. Grace’s drink of the episode? The Orgasm (Grand Marnier, Irish Cream, and Cointreau). You’ll want plenty of these ingredients on hand.

The Sausage Prince was hiding Maria (his Italian lovah) in the closet. Apparently the Sausage King knows Maria’s father– because he’s in the mob! Of course he is. Maria is an Italian on tv. Other ethnic stereotype achieved! For Maria you will drink The Godfather (Amaretto and Scotch).

(Also Maria and the mob bosses last name? Mancini. Nice one, Melrose aficionados.)

Meanwhile, Amy and Anne are grocery shopping, at eleven o’clock at night. I note the time because they repeat this over and over again. Please. If I didn’t grocery shop at eleven at night I would never have food. Amy flirts with a boy at the store whose Dad is Anne’s ex from high school and the brother of the guy Anne slept with in Chicago. Dude demands that Anne kiss him, which is pretty forward for someone he hasn’t seen in years. Apparently Chicago dude forwards his emails from Anne to grocery store dude. Cree.py. Anne seems turned on. That’s why her drink is the Dirty Mother (Brandy and Kahlua).

Amy is uncharacteristically charming while flirting with the dude, yet more proof that Ricky and Ben bring out the worst in her. I’m just afraid that if they break up Ben will go on an international sex spree, and I’m not sure my stomach can take that.

Ricky is being an ASSHOLE to Adrian. All “If we can’t have sex can I go home?” I don’t understand the aversion some dudes have to cuddling. Cuddling is awesome, and it’s not exactly a commitment. Ricky lies that he’s really trying to make it work with Adrian.

Grace (have another Orgasm!) is brushing her hair like a Disney princess when Jack comes in, sees the rose petals, and accuses her of cheating. For Grace masturbation is like an opioid narcotic apparently, as her response is to dreamily sigh “Whaaaaatever.”

Jeff and Jane Mancini are in bed when Jeff’s mom busts in all “Is this the widow? Your husband and my son have only been dead six months… but I like you!” Invasive mom who intrudes incestuously on sex life turns out not to be a joke? Offensive ethnic stereotype: Check! It turns out that Jeff is a democrat and Jane is a Republican (who voted for Obama). Jeff is shocked but, what? I find it’s pretty easy to suss out someone’s political views if you have any conversations with them at all. Especially since Jeff claims to love Jane Mancini.

Jane and Grace have a very awkward mother-daughter moment while Jane is geeking out about the three little words. She’s all “He loves me? He loves me!!”

Grace: Who?
Jane: …. Jesus! [Heh.]
Grace: Not Jesus. Jeff? It’s Jeff, right? You guys are already telling each other you love each other?
Jane: I didn’t tell him, he just told me right now on the phone. Grace be happy. I’m happy for you when good things happen to you.
Grace: Well actually… good things have been happening to me lately.
Jane: Oh?
Grace wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
Jane: Oh! Awesome, huh?
Grace: Oh yeah. I’m so happy I may never see Jack again!

Jane looks worried, even though this is exactly what she wanted when she told Grace to masturbate. For Jane Mancini, the Royal Widow (Crown Royale and Amaretto) and for Grace… another Orgasm!

Ricky the disgusting sleaze has brought a girl back home to have sex with, and it’s little Ruthie from 7th Heaven, whom I totally did not recognize at first. Her acting (not that there’s much of it) seems to have improved. She whips out a multi-colored condom and confirms this is just for fun, although, turns out it’s more for revenge. For these two: a Quick Fuck (Schnapps, Irish Cream, Midori).

Amy is back and her good attitude was left at the grocery store near Mimsy’s, probably in the abandoned shopping cart. Amy and George have a conversation about the paternity of little Robbie and Amy gets all back-talky, so George is all “I’m you’re father” and Amy’s all “Sure about that?” Ouch. Amy picks a passive aggressive little fight with Ashley all “I’m happy Dad gave you this room because I have something better than this room– an SUV and a license. Freedom! And a new guy in my life!” That’s… a pretty low bar for a relationship Amy.

Ashley tells Amy about the guy in Chicago, which is, apparently, news to Amy. Ashley is all smug: “I guess Dad and I are closer than you and Mom.” For Amy and Ashley you can have any kind of Sour you want. (I like Whiskey so, Whiskey, Lemon, Triple Sec.)

Wrapping up loose ends… Ben has been waffling all episode about breaking up with Amy, so Adrian tells him to suck it up and stay with Amy, since she’s just about to have sex with him and he loves her. Which seems untrue. Jack finds out from Tom to the tune of fifty five dollars) that Grace isn’t cheating, she’s just incessantly masturbating. (Have another Orgasm!) Although Tom actually says Grace is cheating by having sex with herself, by herself. That is… a very strict definition of cheating. Ricky confronts Amy about leaving and tells her he’ll be getting an agreement in court.

And in a scene that broke my hearth, Ruthie calls up Adrian to tell her she had sex with Ricky as payback for Adrian sleeping with her boyfriend.

Cheaters suck, Adrian, take a cue from Grace and just she-bop!

Aim Higher, Marissa Cooper; audience of O.C.

September 20, 2009

Doostyn: “I am not going to use my alcoholism as blackmail to save my marriage”
I feel like the o.c. has gotten a little nutty, i’m watching the end of the 3rd season.
Gnatalby: Heh. Yeah, the OC’s fall from grace is remarkably fast.
Doostyn: Everyone is just being a fucking idiot all the time to create drama. I hate when soaps create dramatic tension that way. Like i kind of like it when melrose does it, but that’s b/c melrose is bad, so i’m watching it expecting that. The o.c. is good and well written, it’s sad to see it like this.
Gnatalby: I know. it’s crazy. Do you recognize kaitlyn cooper? She was jenny humphrey’s friend agnes, the model who burned her crap.
Doostyn: Oh i didn’t notice that. I think you told me that though. She wasn’t on very many eps this season. Is she back for the 4th?
Gnatalby: Yes. She’s like… ambiguously evil. Like SLAT, which is a comparison you never want to have made, the OC has a hard time being consistent about how popular its characters are. Like, kaitlyn at one point is like: “Now that marissa is gone, I will rule the school!” And I’m like, “Expelled alcoholic trailer trash dating marissa ‘ruled the school?'”
Doostyn: Yeah what school? Harbor? Marissa was pretty unpopular there. I hate kirsten now too. She’s just irritating, and I used to like her.
Gnatalby: But wasn’t she hilare drunk at caleb’s memorial?
Doostyn: Yeah i liked drunk kirsten. But recovering alcoholics are never as good as their previous selves.
Gnatalby: I liked that julie’s plan to off caleb was poisoned margars.
Doostyn: Even julie is boring now, dating summer’s dad. Uh oh, ryan atwood is about to get in a fight, surprise surprise.
Aaaaand punch number one. Ooo furniture breaking! (he’s beating up… worschack is it?)
(trashy guy who stole prom after party money from taylor)
Gnatalby:I thought it was volchak, but I could totally be wrong.
Doostyn: Oh is worshack like on some other show from the 70s?
Gnatalby: I kind of forget what all happens
Doostyn: i think that might be my confusion
Gnatalby: It’s funny because at some point the kids all arrange for marissa and ryan to bone, allegedly for the first time, and I was like “Uh… whaaaaaaat?” Like, the fact that the kids on the show treat marissa and ryan as the super couple when clearly summer and seth are better is just baffling.
Doostyn: Yeah marissa and ryan are not a great couple. Like i don’t even care what breaks them up any more. summer and seth breaking up at the end of season 3 b/c of the college acceptance non acceptance thing was sort of dumb and obvious and tore them apart for no reason, but i was way more compelled than by the numerous times ryan’s fists go a-flailing for marissa’s honor.
Gnatalby: Totally
Doostyn:I think a lot of it is because marissa sucks
Gnatalby: I loathe her so much
Doostyn:But mischa barton is at least a terrible actress, so it can be fun to watch.
Gnatalby: and I can’t believe she’s the star of another show. Who watched the OC and thought: yes, she can carry a show.
Doostyn: Yeah what show is that? Something about models…
Gnatalby: the beautiful life
Doostyn: Yeah i am not going to watch that b/c it has her. I think lots of fans of the o.c. would feel the same way.
Gnatalby: The only thing to love about marissa is her alcohol problem.
Doostyn: When she prevented the rape in the van at volchak’s party i was like “ok, that’s cool,” but then when she broke up with him she was like “I always wanted to be a disney princess” or some bullshit… rather than “Some guys were going to rape a girl at your party douchenozzle.”
Gnatalby: Oh no, it’s better than that… she says she wants to be Liesel and have a guy like Ralph, who is, BTW a NAZI.
Doostyn: Oh yeah!!! Sound of music! Hahhahahha, I didn’t even think of that.
Gnatalby: Like, way to aim high.
wait… who was trying to rape whom?
Doostyn: Some random dudes were trying to rape some random drunk floozy and friend of volchak’s named heather i think after an all day party where marissa wakes up drinking a beer (which is also kind of awesome).
Gnatalby: Totally. I love tv alcoholics though sometimes I become concerned by how little they drink, compared to say, us. But not on the OC, where kirsten coolly drinks like 8oz of vodka at a time. Like allison on the ‘place, kirsten should look into mixers.
Doostyn: Bree drinks a fair amount i guess, according to lynette’s shame parade of her bottles. Although in that scene i remember being like “How much time do those bottles cover…” which then made me think “is that the normal reaction most people have or do they just think, yep, a CLEAR alcoholic.”
Gnatalby: Heh, right. I mean, IIRC it was like, 12 bottles, which didn’t seem thaaat bad to me. Unless it was like, two days. But if it was like, a couple of weeks?
Doostyn: Ok time for vh1 divas. i’m glad paula abdul is able to embarrass herself on anther venture
Gnatalby: Some show recently featured a paula abdul dream sequence involving paula being surprisingly harsh. Unless I dreamed that…. why can’t I remember? oh, right, drop dead diva. thank god I didn’t make that up. all my tv runs together
Doostyn: Oh god she’s a mess. There are men carrying her up stairs which is not a dance move. just laziness/
Gnatalby: That’s like my 21st b-day. And every subsequent birthday.
Doostyn: and she was lurching like a mad/drunk/pilled up woman towards the crowd. I was a little frightened she was going to plunge into them.
Gnatalby: Awesome. Maybe it’s best that paula leaves the walking to others.
Doostyn: yeah she’s really good at being carried. She should stick with it. Ok so she’s like “I’m paula abdul and THIS IS NOT AMERICAN IDOL!!!!” Then immediately follows with: “I’m so proud of MY kelly clarkson. and MY jennifer hudson. and MY jordin sparks.” and then: “I practically breast fed them!”
Gnatalby: Who is proud of jordin sparks?? And HA. Can you imagine what would happen to you if you breast fed from paula?
Doostyn: The jonas brothers are proud of getting beejamers while on tour with jordin sparks in the erotica i write. You would be so high. It might be nice. I’m not saying i would drink paula abdul’s breast milk, but i might consider a synthetic version.

Tv is back! Tv is back!

September 16, 2009

Summer is no longer the seasonal death of tv like back in my callow youth; some of my favorite shows (Mad Men, True Blood) are summer shows. But there’s still an undeniable excitement about the fall schedule returning. I’m open to suggestions for what new shows I should pick up. So far I’m seized upon Glee and I give it the highest recommendation for those who enjoy music theatre. Like Jennifer Coolidge, Jane Lynch has the magical touch for elevating the written material, not that the Glee scripts need as much help as SLAT’s.

Now, perhaps I’m just afflicted by jet-lag from that trans-atlantic flight I was on an hour ago, but Dan Scott, on the One Tree Hill premiere seems to have traded in his arson and fratricide toolboxes in favor of life as a televangelist. It’s OTH, so it will find a way to alchemize gold into boring, but like Charlie Brown and the football, I can’t help but get excited.

Who Wants Cake?

August 21, 2009

This week’s SLAT took on a Lynchian quality when Tom got pissed at his mom and Grace because Grace’s boyfriend, Jack helped fix something and Tom felt like his role as man of the house was usurped. Seriously, Grace and Jane Mancini looked completely terrified of him when they were cowering in the kitchen about the anger that had been building.

Does Tom have a history as a mass murderer the show hasn’t gone into? It just seemed waaaay too intense. Doostyn and I found it to be, hand’s down our favorite scene of this week’s show (word of day is slut, fyi), and Doostyn noted that it bore a striking resemblance to the classic Strangers with Candy scene in Who Wants Cake when Mr. Jellineck is listening to the audiotape for Retardation: A Celebration:

Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to ‘Retardation: A Celebration.’ Now, hopefully with this book, I’m gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don’t rule the night. They don’t rule it – nobody does. And they don’t run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don’t lock eyes with ‘em, don’t do it. Puts ‘em on edge. They might go into berserker mode, come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming, ‘No, no, no,’ – all they hear is, ‘Who wants cake?’ Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake. Well, that’s it for the celebration. I guess the most important thing to remember is, they’re just like you and me.

Various groups have pulled their advertising from SLAT for one reason or another: too much teen sex, gay characters, good taste, but I’m surprised that no one has objected to the horrific representation of people with Down Syndrome.

I guess SLAT is marginally better than Brenda Hampton’s last offering, 7th Heaven, which depicted everyone with Down Syndrome as an angel and preternaturally wise, but you know, not by much. I guess if Brenda wanted to open the eyes of the American public that people with DS can be enormous assholes just like everyone else, then mission accomplished, your last tv show thesis has been debunked.

What makes the SLAT scenario offensive is the sense that people are tolerating this extremely bad behavior because the character has Down Syndrome, or worse that that makes it somehow adorable or inherently hilarious. How completely condescending. The show also hasn’t really addressed why Tom is still living at home as an adult and doesn’t seem to work or really do anything other than exert his patriarchal control over the women in his life. I guess it doesn’t occur to Brenda to give this character a full life outside of his disability.

Which is, you know, completely surprising, given how fully fleshed out the rest of the SLAT crew is.