Posts Tagged ‘Melrose Place (classic)’

That Friendship Does Sound Toxic

March 21, 2010

“What makes you think that I would ever be friend with you? I mean Look at what you have done to me: I mean you’ve stolen my chief of staff job twice ; you’ve drugged me, you’ve cheated me, you’ve betrayed me, you almost had me committed to an institution because of rage epilepsy attacks that you created– I mean how much do you think a guy can take?”

The incomparable Peter Burns to Michael Mancini in the season six finale. I love when characters recap the craziness of this show. Also rage epilepsy makes me think of Summer from the OC and her rage blackouts.

“I’m on my way to the Caribbean right now and I’m this close to landing one hell of a cash cow. I don’t care if it’s a mixed metaphor it’s money!” –Amanda’s sleazy boyfriend/fiance Rory. Rory is rarely a good name for a dude. Oh course she met him through Lexi, it’s all so east coast country club, except he’s a con artist, obviously. His proposal is pretty great: “You and I are two of kind: you love money, so do I; you hate people, so do I.”

Forget it Amanda, I’m going to marry him.

The SLAT Custody Battle is no Kramer vs. Kramer is All I’m Saying

March 17, 2010

Last week’s SLAT was excruciatingly dull. It was pretty much just people having conversations with one another.

This week’s was ludicrous, and wonderful.

Adrian captures line of the week early with the irrefutable: “When people have something in common, like a common hate, what you do you call those people? FRIENDS.”

But then Adrian also gets worst comment of the week (it’s like the EGOT of SLAT to get best and worst) by going all Rielle saying: “Amy, accept responsibility because if you had had sex with Ben I wouldn’t have been able to get him to have sex with me.”

Little known fact: men are like baby ducklings. Once they imprint on one lady’s shame-cave they can never have sex with anyone else EVER.

Ben's lucky he wasn't exposed an olden time animal behaviorist for his first.

In the running, from the same convo, was Amy telling Adrian she thought that she and Ben would be each others’ first time. The premise of the show you are on is that you got knocked up after a one nighter with some other dude while cashing in your v-chip, keep up Amy!

Jack told Madison he wouldn’t turn her in (for offering him a bejammer in exchange for favorable character witnessing for Amy) if she did it with him (although then he said he was kidding, but I think he was kidding in the Nelly way: unless you’re gonna do it.), to which doostyn says: “!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blackmail rape! In high school! This show is so two faced: like it can be juicier than Gossip Girl, but would never claim to be.”

The A-plot of the episode is that Amy and Ricky are finally going into mediation for their custody battle. It’s funny because normally when dudes whine about custody I’m like “Whatever dude, it’s the only thing in the patriarchy that actually benefits women, so go cry about it in your money bed and enjoy seeing only people with dicks on C-SPAN.” But I despise Amy so much that I’m forced to take Ricky’s part, even though he makes it hard for me by insisting on having custody of the child on a day he works all day and plans to leave him with his parents. It makes NO sense, therefore, that Amy can’t have John on Saturday, I don’t care how involved Ricky’s foster parents want to be.

My favorite moment was Amy’s Kimberley Shaw and her Glorious Alter Egos rage freakout on the bench after Ricky left. What was that about? Whenever Amy shows strong emotions I want to laugh. I’m so mean.

I find Grace’s romantic storyline troubling, since I don’t buy Ben as a romantic lead. And Grace is all “You should get custody of John too, since you were there for Amy all those months after she gave birth.” Yes, Grace, let’s give THE WHOLE TOWN custody of John. Everyone can have him for 5 minutes a day, problem solved!

Everyone makes character witnessing videos for Amy and then Ricky, and most of them are mired in high school issues, which I’m sure was like, so thrilling for the mediator. The greatest part about that was that Amy has a little epiphany and realizes she should let Ricky see John, and the mediator is like, “That’s nice, but it’s still my decision, not yours, and you are now legally required to let Ricky take John on the weekends.” FACED!

I can’t stand Ashley’s fug boyfriend, and, good news, she seems to have nothing but paper thinly veiled contempt for him. Still, condommania continues as Ashley is grilled about why, as the sister of a teenager with a baby, she keeps condoms. Apparently her icky boyfriend has had sex before and would like to do it with Ashley. Like everyone else on this show, they seem set to do it after Leo and Betty’s wedding. Because, as doostyn notes: “Nothing says let’s fuck like the origin of bed death. Besides, wedding sex isn’t something you plan, it just…happens.”

(Now you can fill in a wedding sex anecdote about either of us bloggers you deem appropriate. We’ll never confirm or deny.)

Dating never looks anything but excruciating on this show. If I were an alien learning about human culture from broadcasts of SLAT I’d think romance was a punishment for terrorists.

Doostyn says: It would be excruciating to date on that show. You’d have to gossip with your parents– and possibly other people’s parents– about every kiss and fondle, and the school counselor would call you in and you’d be like “Aaaagh what is blossom doing here” and then she’d say your date was a disaster of genocidal proportions so she’s making you go to the school dance with your great grandmother.”

And just to cement all the horror of the last hour, the show leaves us by suggesting that Adrian is pregnant. Noooooooooooo.

Or (doostyn again): “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Kill the evil spawn! I’m assuming it’s ben’s. I guess it could be Ricky’s, so might not be AS evil, either way, it’s wrong.
Me: No, apparently the condom broke with Ben.
doostyn: Ewwwwwwwwww
me: and Adrian’s late.
doostyn: Ben splooge: the only thing worse is a Ben baby.

(Note: welcome, influx of SLAT googlers querying “Who did Adrian have sex with after the mother-daughter dance” the answer, I hope you will be dismayed to learn, is Ben. EW. Also, I’m amazed as this implies that SLAT picks up new viewers every week, which is pretty discouraging. RuPaul’s Drag Race is on Mondays, people! Watch that!)

No More Trains to Baghdad, Please

February 2, 2010

Last Train to Baghdad 2 6×20

The second installment was actually much more boring than the set-up.

Sam foolishly consults with Jennifer about her crush on Jeff Baylor. Jennifer advises her to indulge her crush, since it will probably pass, but obviously Jennifer has an ulterior motive. We see a Jo-esque photo shoot involving Jeff throwing shoes in the air. Why? Who knows! So they go on a date to Jeff’s favorite pizza place where everyone fawns all over him, since apparently he made a park for the little leaguers. Sam gets a wettie, and I crave pizza.

Meanwhile, “Christine” makes a toast to Kyle and Amanda at their rehearsal dinner at Taylor’s bitchy behest, but she ends up running off in tears, mid-speech. Kyle inspires that in me too, “Christine.” In other failing relationships, Lexi hears the incriminating tape and ends up leaving Peter, putting a crimp in Megan and Coop’s relationship.

Kevin Federline makes a deal with Michael that he will take care of his “legally challenged” friends in exchange for a few hundred dollars and some referrals. Later on K. Fed comes in with a friend named Paulie with a gunshot wound. Michael tries to call the paramedics to take Paulie to the ER, but K. Fed pulls a gun on him to get him to deal with it personally. Michael tries to back out of their deal but K. Fed assures him that he will “learn to appreciate” him. Having seen the rest of the season, I can assure K Fed, it isn’t so.

Megan comes to meet Michael because she’s lonely, I think, and some random people hold them at gunpoint, but K. Fed intervenes. Michael thinks he set it up, whether or not that’s true is unclear.

Wedding time! Amanda’s wedding dress is INSAAAAANE. It has a plunging neckline and fur collar. I long for PETA to splash her with paint at the altar. Taylor gives Amanda a picture of her and Kyle on their wedding day for her something old. Something borrowed is her husband. On the way out the door: “By the way—your dress is hideous.” Love their feud. Also, Taylor’s a little bit right.

Kyle is running late to his wedding because he found “Christine’s” suicide note, that she’s going to “catch that train” and end everyone’s suffering. He calls Amanda to ask her to stall, but she is not having it, which I love. She’s just like, “Call the cops or something.” “Christine” is sitting in her car on the tracks. Again, why? This seems like a huge risk for a con. Kyle pulls her out of the car and she tells him she loves him.

Jennifer, proving the adage that you can’t scheme schemer, tells Sam that the suicide has ploy written all over it. Sam shares that she and Billy haven’t boned (excuse me, made love) in weeks. Hurrah! Jennifer advises she restrict her Jeff actions to flirting.

Nick shows up to “Christine’s” hospital room and they bone in the hospital bed. Comfy! “Christine” also bitches that it was a close call. Yes… again, seemingly too risky, but what do I know. Also, I would soooo rather hook up with Nick than Kyle, but I’d probably take secret option three: neither.

Mama Mia Mancini

January 21, 2010

Offensive Ethnic stereotype watch! In “Mama Mia” Melrose 6×18, Mama Mancini is coming to visit, apparently directly from life on The Sopranos or her vacation at the Jersey Shore.

This episode makes me happy as the opening song is Dance Hall Crashers, “Lost Again.” Let’s take a dance break and remember the late 90s….

That was fun!

Within one minute of her arrival in LA, Mama Mancini is offering homemade cannoli and demanding to see Dean Martin’s house. (“Ma, he’s dead.” “He will always be alive to me.” followed by bursting into song.) Then when she finds out Michael is in jail (assault at a strip club) she bursts into angry Italian, which is just weird, since there’s no indication she’s a first-generation immigrant. At least she doesn’t seem to have mob ties.

The cops call Jennifer to tell her that they found her car and inside, a dead Craig. Jennifer is upset for a Planck second but Michael talks her out of it, telling her suicide is both an act of cowardice and an act of aggression aimed at Jennifer, which I sort of agree with, since he stole her car and shot himself in it. The indignity continues as Jennifer never seems remotely upset about the death of her “love” again. Emotional vampires indeed.

Jennifer passes Billy off as a Craig in a courtyard interaction with Mama, and tries to claim that Craig won’t be joining them for dinner (true!) but the Mancinis run into Billy at Kyle’s and Jennifer is typically sensitive when she takes him aside to enlist his sneaky help.

Jennifer: Billy– I am in a terrible jam. Craig is dead and if my mother finds out.
Billy: He’s dead?
Jennifer: It’s awful. He committed suicide on some beach in Santa Barbara in the front seat of my car.
Billy: I know he had problems… Maybe I should have done something. He was a friend. He was my best man.
Jennifer: I’m feeling guilty too, poor kid, but I don’t have time for that right now because my mother is going to go nuclear on me if you don’t sit down with us and pretend to be Craig.
Billy: That’s morbid, no.
Jennifer: Oh Billy I’m begging you, I am desperate, I will do anything you ask, anything if you just do this one thing for me.
Billy: You know I’m drunk.
Jennifer: Like I said, I’m desperate.
Billy: Well, it’s not like I’m having dinner with Sam… okay.

Right… because Sam was the part that made this appalling.

On their return to the place, Billy drunkenly Craigs at Mrs. Mancini: “Did I tell you that I was married once? It only lasted 15 minutes, but it was a beautiful marriage. There was really no fighting or bickering, no baseball players… Before you go, I want you to know why it was only minutes and not years I want to tell your mom this, this is very important. I believe very strongly in the institution of marriage, love and loyalty, fidelity… all that stuff…”

Jennifer macks on Billy for her mother’s benefit, but it quickly turns into a real make out. Billy is like “Whoa I’m drunk.” True! Sadly, this will not stay contained to boozy times. These two are totally going to hook up, and there’s nothing you or I can do about it.

Baby When We’re Grinding, I Get So Excited

January 18, 2010

Melrose Place 6×17: Coop De Grace

This episode is particularly notable in light of Melrose Place 2009, but most of the action centers around Kyle and Craig, which sounds like it would be really terrible and boring, but is actually ok.

Kyle keeps having dream flashbacks to mushy emo times with Christine, who’s all “You’re the first man I ever really loved.” Unlike most boyfriends, Kyle is dumb enough to believe that.

Kyle and Amanda reveal their engagement to Peter, who does not flip out. He leans over to hug Amanda and she feels “pressure” on her leg.

Paralysis over!

Taylor breaks into old war buddy Nick’s house to learn about Christine. Also to get a drink. ‘Atta girl. Then Taylor and Nick inexplicably have sex, even though they hate each. Why? People around here trade lovers like baseball cards. The dialogue is so slashy it kills me.

Nick: All right we had sex, what do you want?
Taylor: I bet you really miss kyle.
Nick: Man saved my life. Never thought you or anyone could come between us. Now look at me, lying in bed with his wife.
Taylor: Well I’m his ex-wife, for now, I wish there was some way I could help you two be friends again. Maybe it would help make up for all the mistakes I made.

Nick tells Taylor that Christine is still alive, but that she was disfigured and made him promise to tell Kyle she was dead. This is my second time viewing this, and I find this confusing in terms of later events. Apparently Christine really is dead, and the “Christine” who will be showing up imminently really is a fake. But if that’s true, then why have her live through the explosion anyway? My lady brain is confused!

Taylor comes back to find Amanda having collapsed on the floor after a purse-hooked-on-chair caused pratfall. I only mention is because of Taylor’s super-bitchy “Gawwwwwd you’re heavy.” Heh. I’ve seen Amanda, that seems unlikely.

Meanwhile, in Craig! Stanford Blatch tells Jennifer Mancini that the heart valve will kill people, she tells Craig and Craig responds, in so many words, that he will murder her if she tells anyone. She does tell, and in a scene I’d forgotten, he comes to her apartment to try to kill her, but Billy intervenes, fore-shadowng Melrose love. I feel like these people are all just trauma bonded to one another.

Then! Craig steal Jennifer Mancini’s car, holding her at gunpoint: “Sydney was right! You’re all a bunch of emotional vampires!”

Craig drives out into the desert and cries, all: “Couldn’t do it Syndey, I couldn’t do it without you. I screwed up everything and I miss you so much. I just want to hold you again. I just want to be with you again.”

And then Craig shoots himself. It’s extra pathetic when you consider that new Melrose contends that Sydney faked her death with the help of Michael Mancini, for what reasons I am as in the dark as anyone. So Craig just killed himself for the love of a woman who couldn’t stand being with him enough that she pretended to die. This may be the most pathetic death ever on Melrose Place, and is coming close to the most undignified tv death of all time– when Dawson’s dad’s ice cream plopped off the cone and he went to scrape it off the floor and died in a fiery crash from taking his eyes off the raod. Why was he picking up the ice cream? Was he going to eat it? Off the floor? There’s no 5-second rule for wet foods!

Merry Christmas! or Merry Day in December

December 25, 2009

Alas, the only present I can offer my dear readers is a long-in-coming update. I’m not very organized around the holidays, so I’m just happy my presents made it home and am contemplating making eggnog because I really want some, but it’s sort of a production to make just for me. Plus eggnog is a little like sausage– you don’t want to see it get made. I mean, it’s twelve egg yolks to four cups of milk, something about that doesn’t seem right (while at the same time sounding sort of delish).

Onward, to freeing up some space on Eglentine, my computer!

The Scene: Melrose 6×13– A Christmas Episode entitled “A Tree Talks in Melrose.”

Taylor arranges a special Christmas concert at the jazz club, which is totally a treasure for guest stars of the smoooooooth jaaaaaazz persuasion whose characters happen to be secret, never mentioned good friends of our series regulars. Taylor tries to put a move on Kyle, but he pointedly takes her hand off his arm. Taylor asks John Cicata (sp? I have no idea who this person is, and google isn’t helping. If he’s secretly famous– my bad.) to play a special Christmas concert to save the club and he agrees saying he could never turn down “a woman who looks like this.”

New plan for getting what I want… collagen. In. My. Lips.

Lexie gives Peter the thoughtful gift of finding your girlfriend on the bathroom floor after she ODed, frightened that Jennifer Mancini is going to tell someone about her hit and run homeless man encounter. Jennifer, btw, is creepily over-interested. Lexie is all “You’re doing all this for Michael” and she goes, “I would do this and a LOT MORE for Michael.” I got total incest shivers from that line (perhaps because it reminds me of a similar line from Brenda about Billy on 6ftUnder). I keep forgetting they’re supposed to be siblings and wondering why Michael hasn’t hit that, since he is the biggest slut in the world. Jennifer prolongs the annoying patent storyline (who thought this was a good idea? Copyright lawsuits? BORING) by getting Cooper’s designs in exchange for Lexie dropping her alimony requirements.

Billy and Sam have a big stupid fight/make up about Connie, who loooooooves Sam and has some elaborate scheme involving seducing Billy through mistletoe kissing and nude lounging. I find that when you want lesbian action, it’s better to go straight to it, rather than detouring at man-ville, but that’s just my style. More Jill Sobule than Katy Perry.

Amanda decides to give Kyle “the truth” for Christmas. She tells him that she’s in love with him, and it’s been him since they met and blah blah blah. Kyle’s all “Is that supposed to make me forget what happened between you and Eric?”

So Amanda’s all: Nothing happened. We never had sex. From the moment you and I met I just never wanted anyone else.
Kyle: No, you, you went to his hotel room and you took your clothes off. So I don’t care if you wanted Eric or if you were trying to save your agency, you went there to sleep with him.
Amanda: But I didn’t! I couldn’t go through with it!
Kyle: You know, you don’t get points from me because the guy turns you off.

It hate having to side with Kyle (boy do I, I can feel pain radiating from my blackened heart) but he is totally in the right. Intent matters, Amanda! The only reason you didn’t have sex with Eric is that Kyle walked in! Jeez.

Taylor and the lips come in all saucy to have a shot with Kyle and enthuse about how much money the club is making, but Kyle prefers the surly alcoholic’s way of drinking alone and angry, which allows Taylor to scheme and steal the money in order to convince Kyle to go to her with Vegas to win it back, giving her time and the sultry sleaze of Vegas to seduce him.

And now the money shot of the episode!!! Michael Mancini in a Santa suit getting served divorce papers! If you’ve ever wanted to watch Santa destroy a beach house, hulk smash a Christmas tree, break gifts, tear down lights and do an angry striptease culminating in the burning of a Santa suit, look no further! (Also if this is your dream, you are awesome, call me.)

The episode ends with Michael throwing a Christmas tree into the ‘Place pool while Amanda intones sarcastically “God bless us every one” and a singing Michael ornament burbles in its watery grave. (Which is sort of odd, since it should make the sound of electronic things meeting water, not a gargle.)

Happy Christmas to Christians, to everyone else, Happy … Day.

Planned or Unplanned

December 16, 2009

So I was talking the other day with a friend about tv series, and how sometimes it annoys me when there are dead end plots that go nowhere. Specifically I was thinking about Melrose and when Laura Leighton was on 90210 for like, six episodes or something, and then her character just disappeared. Or that one weird episode of 7th Heaven in which a crooked contractor feigns injury while renovating the garage apartment to rip off the Camdens and Annie is all “I will fight you on this!” and then nothing was ever mentioned again. Clearly plots they threw at the wall that didn’t stick.

These always annoy me, despite the fact that in real life events happen that don’t necessarily lead anywhere all the time. Then again, if I wanted real life I wouldn’t need a tv at all.

Initially I floated Lost as a show with a plan before I realized it too is littered with lost (heh) plots, like Libby and Ana Lucia or, more gallingly (since AL & L were apparently let go because of bad behavior filing in Hawaii) Shannon and Boone. Why were they even there? It really puts a damper in my faith that Lost has an overarching plan, in spite of its assurances.

I have similar issues with BSG. Don’t tell me “They have a plan” unless they have a plan.

At the end of the day, the only shows I can think of that seem airtight to me are Veronica Mars and some anime series (which are, presumably, planned out in the manga?), though I’m always ready to hear more.

I haven’t finished the Sopranos yet, but it seems to be a pretty tight show thus far (midway through S5) and possibly Big Love, although it’s hard to tell with series that are ongoing.

Turkey Time

November 25, 2009

Oh man. Remember how I said Mrs. Shaw was not a well woman? Well, awesomely, she comes to town and decides to “scare” Michael but ends up shooting at him, and then she hands off the gun to Cooper, who intends to fly her back to Ohio and put her under psychiatric care.

But…. even weather is a schemer! It colludes with Mrs. Shaw to ground her plane in Chicago. And… somehow she ends up back in LA? I guess she took another plane, but I like to think she hitch-hiked. “What brought you out to LA, lady?”

“Murdering my ex-son-in-law. Why, do you have family out this way?”

My joy at Sam’s departure was premature.. she went back to MD and Billy followed her and proposed enthusiastically, yet annoyingly. But it’s sort of okay because Sam’s maid of honor is her art school friend Connie who is AMAZING. She has this creepy scrapbook full of pictures of herself and Sam, it rivals Dr. Horrible’s photo collection of Penny pictures. Sam’s all “It’s going to be a great wedding!”

And Connie Manson lamps: “Over my dead body!” which is such an on the nose soap opera thing to say. Nobody SAYS “over my dead body” any more than people say “Oh burrito!” Annoyingly, her scheming seems to consist of throwing herself at Billy which is nine kinds of repulsive. Billy’s success with the ladies is such a mystery to me. I mean, idiots like Allison and Sam, sure, but our cunning Amanda Woodward?

Anyway, Mrs. Shaw disguises herself in scrubs, breaks into the OR to stab Michael, Megan comes in to warn him and gets stabbed causing Mrs. Shaw to yell: “Just as well! You took my Kimberly I’ll take your whoooooore!”

Really, sentence structure matters. Mrs. Shaw is unwittingly, but slightly accurately implying that Kimberly is a whore. Really more of a pimp, I guess.

Amanda has to save her new ad agency by sleeping with her old boss, Eric Banes, and, weirdly, she has qualms. This isn’t the Amanda I know! Amanda slept with Billy for no other reason that mysterious non-specific advancement right after he gave his big Greed is Good speech. Whence this sudden conscience? I guess she looooves Kyle, but I can’t, for the life of me, fathom why.

In 6×10, the delightfully titled “My Little Coma Girl,” Amanda regains some of her moxie when she pulls a gun on Taylor who is there to gloat after Kyle caught Amanda circa flagrante delicto. She’s all: “I’m going to miss having him around here. You know he always made me feel so safe. I guess from now on I’m going to have to fend for myself. But luckily, before I met Kyle I took lessons. Filled out the registration forms because you never know when someone might break into your apartment or be a general nuisance…. I bought it a long time ago, I don’t even know if it works, but… I’m willing to give it a try.” And she takes the safety off and points it at Taylor and it’s AWESOME. “Get the HELL out of my apartment before I blow that smirk off your face. AND DON’T COME BACK!”

To compound things, Kyle pushes Taylor in the pool (that NEVER gets old!) and then creeps out all “I could soooo easily jump in there and hold your head under….” Dial it back!

Lexi spills the beans that Cooper fell for Kimberly when she was in her coma because he’s doing the saaame thing with Megan, including not let anyone else in the ICU (including Michael) and holding her hand and singing to her. It’s totes creepy, but everyone is acting like it’s just a nuisance! It’s so weird. Michael is like, “I don’t know, keeping that perv off my comatose wife will be a problem for my career… better just stay and have a drink and dessert!” I am barely paraphrasing that, by the way. CREEPY.

Cooper’s sputtering indignation is amazing: “Oh, is it WEIRD to be compassionate? About wanting to give LIFE back to a patient? WHAT?”

Yeah it IS weird if you think they NEEEEED your sperm. Christ, who needs that explained to them?

So Cooper sneaks back in and he’s all “I’m sorry.. I wanted to be here for you.. you know what? I’m sorry, no one’s been playing your favorite music for you…” and so he puts on Pachelbel’s Canon. Oh I’m SO sure a classic wedding processional is Megan’s favorite song. “I’m the one who knows what’s best for you…”

Disgustingly, this ends up waking Megan up. Gross.

Meanwhile, back in bland love, Billy’s mom offers her hideous brooch to Sam for her wedding day, but she turns it down, and Mrs. Billy’s mom is all “Allison always loved this brooch.” And Sam get’s all pissy about it. Pin on the damn brooch, you ingrate! Mrs. Campbell complains to Billy who has a big fight with Sam, and they end up getting hitched mid-fight. Awk.ward. Jennifer Mancini is like me, she’s all “Don’t make a scene, just go get married.” So they do. Lexi gets trashed and is grinding with everyone on the dance floor and it’s hilarious. She’s all tugging on dude’s ties, patting her weave, then she goes home with Peter and he’s all, you barely drank, why are you so fucked up? And she’s practically falling over all, “I guess I’m hiiiiiigh on youuuuu…” Yeah, or on the delightful combination of benzos and champagne.

Mrs. Campbell also gets trashed and is all, “You’d better keep your eye on him… You’re not the first love of his life. And you won’t be the last. How bout a toast: Here’s to my current daughter-in-law– may your marriage to Billy last longer than the first one. Or… am I not allowed to mention Brooke either? Just don’t wear your high heels around the pool.”

DAMN Mrs Campbell! Point and Match! THAT is how you give a toast!

This episode is also nominally a Thanksgiving episode, so everyone is making turkeys and yams between comas and weddings. Melrose is just like life that way.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Booze Tube! May your holiday be coma and scheme-free but still retain its alcohol and prescription pills. Or the reverse if that’s really what you’re into.

ETA: Just drunk kidding. All that stuff I said happened in 6×10? That was really 6×11 “Everybody Come to Kyle’s!”

I need your sperm!

November 24, 2009

There are so many amazing classic Melrose moments that this whole blog could be about them. Sometimes I feel like the writers room is just a deck of cards with the male characters and deck of cards with the female characters and they draw one from each and get them together.

How else can you explain 6×03’s Kyle and Amanda and Taylor and Michael? The ostensible reason for the latter pairing is that Taylor needs to get pregnant to scheme Kyle back into their marriage (apparently she’s over Peter Burns, suddenly), and she needs it done now since she’s already told Kyle she’s pregnant. I guess she’s never heard of a paternity test? Pretty odd since Amanda keeps demanding one.

Anyway, Taylor corners Michael in his office and yells “I gotta get pregnant tonight… Have sex with me!… I neeeed your sperm!!” Because it’s Michael as soon as Taylor flashes some flesh and pouts those radiant lips at him he is overcome, as if against his will. By the end of the episode he succumbs a second time on the desk at work all the while moaning “No no nooooo.” Lips aside, Taylor is pretty tiny. If he really didn’t want to I’m fairly certain he could have gotten away.

6×04 continues this ridick storyline, with Michael at a medical conference and Megan turning up while he’s boning Taylor in the shower. But more importantly! It introduces a new character. I don’t remember mentioning yet that Matt’s apartment has been taken over by a scheming Dr. Cooper who wants to avenge Kimberly’s death, but there is more to the story! His exwife Lexi is introduced, and she looks and sounds a lot like Allison, but is MUCH more awesome. She’s a schemer and a pill popper and it turns out that Dr. Cooper fell in love with Kimberly when she was in her coma. That is some creepy Talk to Her shit, especially when he falls in love with Megan while she’s in a coma. I guess he’s lucky he’s a doctor, or this would be a very difficult fetish to maintain.

Apparently Cooper is friends with Kimberly’s mom. Let’s just say… the nut does not fall far from the nut. This woman is carrying quite a grudge, and she has like 9000 headshots of Kimberly around her living room. It seems a bit over the top.

And the best thing about this episode? Sam proposes to Billy… and he says NO!!! And then she leaves him! Christmas came early this year!

The Abriged Edition

November 8, 2009

If only we could all have so much exposition, too bad it had to happen on the second episode of the season rather than the first.

Megan: Okay, here’s the abridged edition: Craig just lost his wife, Sidney, in a terrible accident on their wedding day and Craig blames Samantha because she was in the car that ran Sidney down. Now, Billy works with Craig, so he’s caught right in the middle, and, Sam, oh she’s a terrible wreck and understandably, because her father was in the car with her and he died too.. in the same accident…

Later Megan exposition fairies some more to two people who were direct participants in the actions she describes, Peter and Michael:

Megan: First of all, I’m the one who canceled the meeting. Look, the board still has no idea about the feud that is going on between the two of you and I’ve decided it’s going to stay that way for your welfare and the welfare of Burns-Mancini a medical corporation. [That’s some oddly formal phrasing.] … Let’s review the facts: Fact number one, you both have acted like insane egocentric overly ambitious idiots…. Fact two, through a nefarious plot worthy of Satan, Michael stole your job, Peter. Fact three, rather than go through the proper authorities, you, Peter, tossed Michael through a window. [In Peter’s defense, you don’t call the cops on Melrose to get people arrested for things they actually did. Prison is for the unjustly accused, duh.] Now the purpose of my being here today is to negotiate a peace treaty.

Oh Megan, you make it all seem so exciting, when we all know if hasn’t been exciting since Brooke got killed in the Melrose Pool. Awesomely.

The show’s greatest asset, Amanda Woodward, is presently paired with Kyle, who is not only boring, but manages to infect potentially interesting storylines with his dullness, he’s like the Dan Humphrey of Melrose Place.

Anyhoodle, Amanda goes to confront Peter about his alleged sterility which would mean that Taylor is pregnant by Kyle (but who knows if she’s even pregnant, on tv it seems like 95% of pregnancies are faked, when this seems like the most idiotic plot a woman could hatch, as proof is expected on a pretty strict timeline). Anyway, she tells Peter that being with Kyle is nice and uncomplicated, and it’s the first time she’s ever felt that. And Peter is all, “The second time, you mean.”

Oh I LOLed and LOLed. Peter… you tried to MURDER her! Most normal people consider that a complication.