Archive for the ‘Nip/Tuck’ Category

An Evening with the Muumuu Sisters

December 3, 2009


i’m watching nip/tuck right now


is it amazing?


of course

the opening scene

is a ken and barbie couple

as in




the dude

does not have nipples

and the lady wants hers removed


oh creeeepy

and awesome

I was thinking about s5

because my impression is that it was boring

but then like you commented back to me

when I think about specifics

there wa s a lot of good stuff

build a bear murder

and I did like hearts and scalpals


yeah i thought it was a def step up


I think it’s that even boring nip tuck is 90000 times more interesting than interesting everything else


yeah it sets the bar pretty high

for being not boring

there’s an awesome big fat lady who is coming on to christian hardcore

and is like “You have no idea what you’re missing”


barking up the wrong tree lady


and her robe is all open and fat and side boob is hanging out


christian is the shallowest man on earth



they did it!


did what?


“That’s the best orgasm i’ve ever had”

the business


oh christian and the lady did it




wow… I would not have expected that


it all happened v quickly


I love that to get christian in bed all you have to do is be like, “you might think this is gross, but really it’s great”

too bad that doesn’t work on Sean, the actually hot one

though I did notice the last time he was shirtless that while he’s still hot, he’s getting a little less defined in the ab region than he has been


oh jeez

they’re playing a song

while operating on the fat woman


since overall he’s aging much hotter than christian


with the lyrics “Fat mama! Come on and dance with me!”

nip/tuck is so literal


oh so sensitive

I know that’s why we love it though

like it’s not enough that Matt is ridiculous, nay, he is an actual clown


yeah they’re both saggy, which doesn’t really work for this show

b/c of their profession

is this show making us shallow?


yeah, clearly those actors need to go under the knife for integrity

I feel like julia is

as long as we’re only shallow while we watch nip/tuck it’s probably ok

if you ever judge my muumuu and side boob in real life though


oh kimber


we’ll know it’s a bridge too far


she feels now that christian has fucked a fat woman

she has license to get fat




so she’s eating Cherry Garcia for the “first time”

god it must suck to be a skinny bitch



kimber in a fat suit!!!!

being fucked from behind!

by christan!


pausing midway

to go get two spoons

and fudge sauce


kimber’s thinness is partially surgically maintained

you’d think she’d eat ice cream all the time

and that’s sort of amazing

though I never want streaky brown matter to make an appearance while I’m boning

but to each their own, I know that’s something you gays enjoy


ok this is a very fantasy sequence heavy nip/tuck




sean is now in a leave it to beaver like fantasy

with his barbie client


I was hoping it was time lapse reality

does she want, in the parlance of hedwig, a barbie doll crotch?

or just a barbie doll chest?


i guess just the chest

although it’s a slippery slope i’m sure


I guess you can never get a true barbie/ken lower half unless catheters are involved



you ARE a socerer

sean has a barbie doll crotch!


don’t worry, I”ll use my powers for good


that whole sequence was nutty even for nutty nip/tuck

“Christian told me about blow jobs at work”

“You mean putting your penis in my mouth? Isn’t that….sex?”


please tell me it’s a macnamara/troy bejammer


if only

god christian is so easily phobic

one homoerotic shower and he’s punching dudes

one fantasy sequence of fat kimber and fudge sauce

and he’s kicking the fat lady out of the office


heh yeah nip/tuck definitely subscribes to the idea that phobias are based in desire

it reminds me of the scene in big love

when someone is like “he wanted to take one of my wives”

and it cuts to one of the scary compound ladies


“Look I’m not stupid, and I’m not blind….I’m just a gorgeous sexy woman trapped in a fat person’s body”

um, what?


with her 19th century hair and dowdiness

heh, right, I mean, love the skin you’re in lady

you can be a gorgeous sexy fat lady

see Winfrey, Oprah, Latifah, Queen



boobs can be on tv

if the nipples are removed by special effects



I want that even less


apparently the nipple is what makes it dirty

never mind that men’s nipples are on tv all the time

lady nipples are only for filthy pervs

it’s like transubstantiation


in what way?

please explain religious scholar

parade of naked fat men!




in the office

“What are you doing in here?” says fat lady

“Saving your beautiful ass!”

says one of the fat naked men

why are they naked

maybe i missed something…


I just meant that man nipples and lady nipples are the same, unless magical designation makes them different

is she being saved by feeders?

are they there to tell her to love the skin she’s in?

are the fat men, essentially, you and me, the viewers in muumuus at home?



maybe we’re meant to be roused to rip our muumuus off and parade into plastic surgery offices


it seems a little cold for that


“Chemo…well that could be the best diet ever right?”

that’s….looking on the bright side


too bad we don’t live in LA

dude, that’s what my grandma said to my mom


holy fuck you have to be joking


at least your double mastectomy made you look thin



does your grandmother write for nip/tuck


her mom, quite a prize


that is the best gig insensitive people can aspire to


she also gave me a necklace for my birthday and said it was too cute to pass up even though it would get lost in my rolls


case in point….christian walking in on kimber puking up her binge fest: “you’re pathetic!”


like, I mean, other than my boobs, I don’t think I have anything on my upper chest that qualifies as a roll


wow she should submit her resume

based on those two comments alone


is kimber bulemic or is the cherry garcia just not sitting well since she usually doesn’t eat?


maybe the cherry garcia isn’t sitting well with the entire pepperoni pizza resting on top

also that’s gotta be a tiny stomach




ha, seriously


I always wonder that about skinny people actually

like, i love them

but how do their organs fit into such a limited space?

apparently organs are much smaller than I thought


maybe their puny skinny person organs


and more of me is made up by lumps of cherry garcia and pepperoni than I want to admit


my organs are big and beautiful!

just like my ass!


my liver is just incredibly buff and bulky


ok ken is gay now

actually his name is skip




(i mean we always knew that about the doll, so makes sense)

but he’s gay

b/c sean slept with barbie


not earring magic ken?

that’s so strange


which somehow gave him the freedom to admit he’s gay

and bring in his new lover (that was quick)

for calf implants


Barbie to Sean “I love your Malibu beach house. Even if it could use a little color.”


because like, the nipples that he wanted removed was the only commonality between a  man and a lady

clearly sean needs to make it bright pink

with a pink corvette parked outside


yeah all that pink really worked out well with her last man…


bwah good point

sad, I wanted julia and sean to get back together


oh no, barbie is christian and kimber’s play thing apparently

sean went to bed with the hooker

that christian hired

out of apparent pity

ooooo the hooker’s blackmailing them in the next episode according to the previews


didn’t kimber learn about threesomes when her relationship with jonathan kent/bo duke went south?


god sean can’t even find a hooker to fuck that won’t destroy his life

he really should keep it in the pants for a while

you mean ram peters?


yes I always forget that name and am always delighted


Underpants, Ejaculating!

November 26, 2009

Excerpts from this week’s Nip/Tuck.  Enjoy.


“You look like you’ve aged 10 years in the past month.” (Totally rude, totally unsolicited commentary from Sean and Julia’s lawyer, directed at Julia. It’s patently false, but a hilariously bitchy statement nonetheless.)


Julia reciting her ‘mantra’ while Sean injects her with Botox: “Whatever it takes!”


Sean to Julia after sex: “Well we had to get that out of the way sooner or later.  You’re not gonna get all weird on me now are you?”


“Oh really, you were thinking of me while you were masturbating into my granddaughter’s panties?”  Not only funny at pure face value as a line, but also hilares because Erica is clearly upset that her Italian stud Renaldo is not masturbating into her panties, and not at all disturbed by how gross and pedophile-y this behavior is nor displaying any kind of human inclination to protect her granddaughter.


Renaldo the (potential?) pederast to Erica: “My fantasy, it’s still in my head; your fantasy, it’s standing before you.  Who’s sick now, huh?”  (Um, what that does that even mean?  No one thinks boning a young dude when you’re an old lady is as sick as masturbating into a child’s panties dude.  Point not made.  Also, once you ejaculate all over a kid’s undies, the fantasy, it’s no longer safely in your head, it’s a gross physicality now.  The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.)


“I found him with her underpants ejaculating.”  There should be a comma in there but it’s funnier like this.  Ejaculating underpants!  Heeee.


Matt to prison rapist with whom he shares a special power top/bottom bitch relationship:  “Do you want a Ho-Ho?  That always makes you feel better.”

Jenny Juggs

November 6, 2009

Nip/Tuck this week was hilarious. Christian meets a stripper at his usual strip club, apparently, who is “just his type.” The woman has ENORMOUS breasts that are allegedly natural, but they look like the boobs Selma Blair had as Ursula Udders in A Dirty Shame. Jenny, evidently, is a “feminist,” but I don’t think that word means what you think it means. In this case, it means that Jenny exacts vigilante justice on men who offend her by punching them with her breasts or breaking their phones and Halloween pumpkins. The least ludicrous thing about this is that it seems like that should hurt her.

In the end, she goes to Troy/MacNamara to have them reduced and sort of loses her mind since her boobs, apparently, were her whole identity, which used to be what bugged her and now suddenly doesn’t? I don’t know.

Teddy Roe’s story possibly comes to a close when threatens to institutionalize Annie and then drugs the MacNamaras with roofied s’mores (must try that) and tries to murder the family but instead almost gets murdered by an opera listening, wine drinking, perseids watching, camping serial killer. It’s possibly she does get killed off-screen, but Melrose Rules apply– no one’s dead until the head is separated from the body. Meanwhile, since Annie is a friend of Ana and Mia and she wakes up in time to rescue the fam from carbon monoxide poisoning.

I love that Nip/Tuck is so amoral that the lesson of this episode is: “You’re right to hate your stepmother even if she seems to be doing everything right, and anorexia will save your life. Plus you can’t scheme a schemer.”

It’s that Darn Thong Song

October 23, 2009

I feel like this week’s Glee got the show back on track after a couple of boring episodes. I’m really not interested in the pregnancy storylines (particularly Will’s wife’s, Quinn’s is bearable), so even though it was no Kristin Chenoweth episode, I was pleased.

As time goes by I dislike Will more and more, which isn’t really a problem for me, I like plenty of shows with unsympathetic leads (Sean MacNamara and Christian Troy spring to mind for obvious reasons.) Will is basically a nightmare of a teacher who makes everything about him and his dreams of glory. Is there any reason he has to sing “The Thong Song” when teaching Emma how to dance? Not really, no, he’s not going to be there, singing, at Ken and Emma’s Hawaiian wedding. (That said, this show does provide the mental image of a mash-up of “I Could Have Danced All Night” and “The Thong Song” which is why I LOVE this show. Though I hate that it deprived us of seeing the Mash-Up.)

Similarly, when Will Busts a Move, as whenever Will raps, it’s embarrassing. It’s also unnerving to see a teacher grabbing and flirting with students, even as part of the choreography. At one point Will grabs Kurt and, perhaps as a stand-in for the audience, Kurt mouths “Oh my God” with a look of horror. (And what was with Will grabbing Artie’s wheelchair and spinning him around? RUDE.)

I was really into the Puck/Rachel relationship, and I wish they’d spun it out for a few more episodes. My dear co-blogger and I disagree on this point, but I find Puck to be ridiculously, smoking hot. I melt whenever I see him and flash back my own nerdy high school days and the hot good-but-bad-but-secretly-good boys who were exactly my type, and, as Puck notes, Rachel is a hot Jew and the good Lord wants him to get in her pants. I loved Puck’s cover of “Sweet Caroline*,” and, well, I don’t know how many different ways I can say that he makes me melt.

The line of the night for me was: “It reminded me of when our family ordered Chinese food and sat down together for our traditional Simchat Torah screening of Schindler’s List.” Funny and topical, since ST was just two weeks ago. It’s not a coincidence, I think, that the funniest line was from the narration. The same thing happened last week with Sue’s assessment of the fight. Narrators just make things really funny.

Over on Murphy’s other show, Nip/Tuck, they had a narrator for the first episode of the season, which was absolutely hilarious and much better than anything we’d seen all last season. (The gang makes an infomercial! Matt is a store-robbing mime!!) Unfortunately, stern British lady voice over seems to have been a one time thing, since this week’s episode was incredibly lackluster, save for Liz’s delicious ripping Kimber a new one, which was a long time coming and well deserved.

*Though this is on my list of songs that are secretly about pedophilia, along with “Brown Eyed Girl” and “My Sharona,” among many others. Once you start noticing these themes you can’t turn it off.

How Not to Apologize for a Raping

August 24, 2009

Oh man. Blake Carrington and Krystle. Last season Blake raped Krystle because he was mad at her for taking birth control, but she forgave him after he gave her some sparkly jewelry and flowers. She has lately returned to his bed because she feels super sorry for him after he “accidentally” killed his son’s gay lover.

Blake: That night that I forced you, the night that I… wanted you to have my child… that was even a bigger mistake than you thought. The last reward that I need is another child. And you were quite right to be angry with me.

“That time I wanted you to have my child” is the greatest vague euphemism for rape I have ever heard. I’ve been thinking a lot about rape on tv shows. This is one of the most realistic scenarios I’ve seen yet. Television rapists nowadays tend to be very different from real life rapists. In a post about Law and Order: SVU, Melissa McEwan notes that if the show reflected reality, it would be pretty boring:

The problem with L&O:SVU is ultimately this: If it reflected the reality of sexual assault, it would be a “boring” show. Woman gets raped; it’s her boyfriend. Woman gets raped; it’s her male lab partner. Girl gets raped; it’s her stepdad. Woman gets raped; it’s her male date. Girl gets raped; it’s her male teacher. Girl gets raped; it’s her dad. Woman gets raped; it’s her male boss. Woman gets raped; it’s a guy she met at a bar. Woman gets raped; it’s her male coworker. Boy gets raped; it’s his male scout leader. Girl gets raped; it’s her male soccer coach. Woman gets raped; it’s her ex-boyfriend…

We’d have to go on a long way like that before we got to a female assaulter or a false accusation. It would even be awhile before we got to a stranger rape on the street (or in Central Park, ahem); women are three times more likely to be raped by someone they know than a stranger, and nine times more likely to be raped in their home, the home of someone they know, or anywhere else than being raped on the street.

Fantastical, larger than life shows like Law and Order: SVU or Nip/Tuck or even Beverly Hills: 90210* have long acted as if violent stranger rape is the only kind of rape that exists or is worth talking about, particularly because it’s very easy to identify as rape, and it doesn’t lead anyone to any uncomfortable places. If one out of four women is raped in her life (which I’m sure is a conservative estimate given how often rape goes unreported) not only do you probably know a rapist, you have probably dated one, are friends with one, or are related to one. And no one likes to think about that.

So we’re good at not identifying rape. Last year on Mad Men, in one of the saddest, hardest to watch scenes I think I’ve ever seen on television, Joan is raped by her fiance. In his recap for TWOP, Couch Baron initially called this a “borderline rape.” Similarly, a recent discussion about Weeds on Shakesville revealed that even among very media-savvy feminists it’s hard to identify rape for what is, and instead recontextualize it as “a bad date” or “rough sex.”

Similarly, Gossip Girl opened with Chuck Bass attempting to rape Jenny Humphrey on the roof at a party, when he is interrupted by her brother, at the time, this was clearly understood as rape, and Chuck, in fact apologized for it to Jenny midway through last season. But as the show progressed Chuck became something of a fan favorite, especially in his relationship with Blair. So the next time Chuck raped someone, even though he had been widely understood to already be a rapist, Chuck and Blair fans (of which I am one, actually, Chair forever!) found it difficult to call a rape a rape. During a blackout, Chuck takes advantage of the darkness to pretend to be Blair’s boyfriend and have sex with her while she thought he was someone else. When confronted, Blair said that she knew it was Chuck all along. But the rape victim’s state of mind isn’t what determines whether something is or isn’t rape. Chuck intended to mislead her as to his identity in order to have sex with her, presuming she would not consent if she knew the truth. Attempting to shortcut someone’s ability to consent IS rape.

There’s a very similar scene on Nip/Tuck, actually, in which Christian believes that Liz, his friend who is a lesbian (I point this out, because it is very clear that they have no prior sexual history which could confuse the matter, AND he has a big reason to believe she wouldn’t consent– she doesn’t like dudes), is asleep, and he begins to have sex with her. Of course it turns out later, she likes it. Very few of my tv watching companions understand this to be a rape scene. But Christian waited until she was asleep in order to have sex with her, assuming she would not consent. Attempting to shortcut someone’s ability to consent IS rape.

Veronica Mars has the best and the worst depictions of rape on tv. The first season did something amazing and subtle. We find out, first episode, that Veronica was raped, she doesn’t know by whom at a party where she was drugged. One of the season’s big mysteries is who raped her. It’s nice to see a rape survivor who is completely proactive about solving the case, who doesn’t turn it over to someone else to save her. What she learns is that she was drugged by accident, when a drink spiked for someone else was handed to her, and that her drugged ex-boyfriend, with whom she was still in love joined her in what he thought was consensual, but secret sex. It was an upsetting, deeply conflicting solution to the seasons mystery. Without a pervasive rape culture, Veronica never would have been raped. If no one thought it was acceptable to drug a woman’s drink to get her to have sex, she wouldn’t have been in that position in the first place. But the person who had sex with her in no way intended to rape her, and was also drugged against his will. Both Veronica and Duncan, in this scenario, were victims of rape culture, which was a powerful, profound, and very complex situation for a tv show to take on.

Of course, the second season fucks it all up and ruins the awesome completely. Because it turns out that Duncan was not the only person to have sex with Veronica that night. Cassidy “Beaver” Casablancas secretly master-minded the whole thing and raped Veronica. In the season finale, there is a suggestion that he raped Veronica’s friend Mac, which is denied in the third season. (He takes her clothes, and when she’s found she cries, “He took everything.” Which I thought meant he raped her, but it turned out I was wrong. I know, first time for everything.) And the third season opened with ANOTHER rapist, who rapes Mac’s roommate Parker, and later nearly rapes Veronica. It was incredibly sad to have such a subtle, feminist show morph into procedural levels of sensationalism. I mean, seriously, Two out of three protagonists were raped with the third only narrowly escaping? Our plucky heroine is nearly raped twice? What is the purpose of that? Veronica was an amazing heroine. I would have loved her even without the writers putting her virtue in jeopardy every six seconds. (And at this point, I’d ever prefer if Veronica were nearly the victim of multiple murders, so great is my distaste for depictions of rape for edginess. Newsflash, by definition, nothing that happens to a quarter of all women is edgy.)

I suppose my concern, at the end of the day, is that these rapes are made so sexy and titillating that rape takes on the shape of being a crime about sex, rather than a crime about power, and it’s confusing. In Dynasty, Krystle forgives Blake, but they both call it rape. On General Hospital, Laura marries Luke. But they still called it rape. But 20 years later it’s hard for people who write about tv and committed feminists to consistently identify rape as what it is. We know from advertising how persuasive a medium tv is. I feel it’s a distinct possibility that the relentless sensationalizing of rape and its divorce from reality have affected our judgment negatively and profoundly.

*In the first season Kelly tells her friends at a sleepover that her first time was rape, and she was raped by a friend from school, but this instance is overshadowed by the 9 million strangers who stalk and rape or attempt to rape Kelly over the run of the show.

The Gospel According to Coco

May 21, 2009

Doostyn and I were talking recently about how we want Jennifer Coolidge to guest star on every show we watch, and fortunately for us, that hard working lady does appear in a lot of tv shows and movies.

Obviously, her appearances on Nip/Tuck brought us the greatest  two minutes of music to ever grace the small screen, when her character adopts the rapper name “Coco” (“Candy Richards” apparently was her “slave name”) and releases an album, the title of which is, coincidentally, the title of this post.  Let’s take a look:

She also appeared as Bobbi St. Brown on Party Down, a character so awesome she hit her roommate with a car so that she could get a part in Cannonball 2, (“And it felt right! It was a small car, and I gave her a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which blew her mind.”) and who believes that dolphins can change a baby’s diapar underwater.

But my favorite Jennifer Coolidge, is Betty the pizza prostitute from Secret Life of the American Teenager. A lonely Christian man with Down Syndrome mistakenly thinks an escort is just someone you pay to hang out with you. So when his parents and sister are out of the house, Tom invites Betty over. They split a pizza, watch tv, and laugh and laugh. She teaches him a little something about love and life, then tells him that if he doesn’t pay her, her pimp will come and beat him with a bag of oranges. Then, in the greatest moment of tv history, picks up a few leftover slices of pizza and just slides them into her purse. Let me repeat and emphasize that: She picks up the slices. Does NOT pick up the box, does NOT wrap them up first, and just puts them, oozing cheese, into her purse.

If they ever make a movie of my life, I hope someone has the genius to cast her.