Archive for the ‘The Tyra Banks Show’ Category

Oh Snap! (?)

May 15, 2009

Tyra is always reliably bat-shit bizarre-o, but sometimes I have a hard time telling whether she’s exactly like her character, a Barbie-esque doll come to life, from the awesome-licious and LiLo co-starring Life-Size (i.e. entirely ignorant), or, like Paris Hilton, someone with a vacant, superficial, self-absorbed pseudo-act going on that is way more intelligence-based than immediately apparent.

Kathy Griffin was on today’s show, a welcome foil to Tyra’s ego-fest.  Ms. Griffin is a fearless quick wit who specializes in deflating celebrity self-importance, and I waited with clenched hands as she started off with a litany of insulting asides (perfectly delivered as undeniable fact):  Suze Orman’s a (brilliant and better-able-to-handle-the-economic-crisis-than-even-our-infallible-president) lesbian, Barbara Walters is a power-hungry humorless beeeeeeetch (not her words exactly, but this was the gist), etc.  Tyra is a friend to the staaaaars, Oprah-in-training if you will, so this would seemingly be an obvious conflict of interest.  She did offer a disclaimer when Kathy started in (“These views are not those of the Tyra Show or mine personally”) to which Kathy responded “Don’t want to hurt that Banks Empire!” which is just so impressively gutsy (I think I have some sass to spare, but I would keep mine tightly bottled in the presence of the Tyra and her empire…I think she might have it in her to cut a bitch, or hire a contract bitch-cutter).

The confusion came when Kathy started in on Oprah (!) and, better yet, Tyra’s semi-recent appearance on Oprah.  Kathy started making fun of it and letting Tyra know she gets no free pass, even a pretend one for the sake of face-to-face niceties.  But then Tyra, in a totally dry manner and with no hint of joking in her forever-smiling eyes, responded, “Have you been on Oprah lately?”

This was played with such a straight face (and Tyra, if she decided to contribute to the comedic arts, would probably be a very broad comic, so I don’t interpret this as her use of her heretofore undiscovered dry wit) and with no reaction from the audience that we are left with two conclusions.

1.)  Tyra is sweetly naive/really fucking stupid to think that Kathy Griffin could eeeeeeeeever be within Her Majesty The Oprah’s Celebrity Safe Space confines

2.)  Tyra just majorly matched wits with a seriously funny, seriously catty lady.

And this is why I come back to you for more, Tyra.  You’re a mystery.  A borderline psychotic mystery…

Won’t someone (besides Tyra) PLEASE think of the children?

May 2, 2009

Tyra Banks with children sends shivers down my spine.  I think it’s because she always seems a little off the rocker, so if she’s near any person or thing that requires special attention I’m not sure she should be left alone.  Also, she appears to have recently taken an increased interest in the young ones (see her stupid nursery rhyme segments before each judges’ panel on this cycle of America’s Next Top Model).

Furthering my fear was a recent episode of her talk show (she has so many shows on which she can scar the youth!) in which she interviews child stars of YouTube.  First she started off with the kid who is wacked out on drugs after visiting the oral surgeon, and, in a misguided attempt to provide a word of advice to parents, admonishes the audience NOT TO PURPOSEFULLY GIVE YOUR KID DRUGS JUST FOR YOUTUBE FAME (and fortune; the kids’ parents are whoring him out on t-shirts now too).  I’m not naive enough to think that this couldn’t happen, but I feel like thinking it’s so likely that you need to tell a national audience this reveals more about your train of thought than the audience’s.

Then she brought out the little girl who made a book about kittens inspired by KITTENS! After telling the little girl that kittens frighten Tyra because “they’re so smart and like raaaaaaaaaaaaaar!” and possibly destroying her childhood wonder, Tyra then decides the girl should not be interested in saying cute funny things about kittens, but about Tyra!  So she shows her a slideshow of Tyra pictures and demands funny phrases on cue.

This is not how you treat children Tyra!  Most people don’t immediately assume everyone will want to drug their children for shits and giggles after seeing a random kid on YouTube recovering from surgery meds, and no one demands a child redirect their awe and wonder towards themselves because no one is as egotistical as you.

Love you lots sweetie, but please, if you care so much for the children suddenly, then do your part by leaving them to those more stable than yourself.