The SLAT Custody Battle is no Kramer vs. Kramer is All I’m Saying

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Last week’s SLAT was excruciatingly dull. It was pretty much just people having conversations with one another.

This week’s was ludicrous, and wonderful.

Adrian captures line of the week early with the irrefutable: “When people have something in common, like a common hate, what you do you call those people? FRIENDS.”

But then Adrian also gets worst comment of the week (it’s like the EGOT of SLAT to get best and worst) by going all Rielle saying: “Amy, accept responsibility because if you had had sex with Ben I wouldn’t have been able to get him to have sex with me.”

Little known fact: men are like baby ducklings. Once they imprint on one lady’s shame-cave they can never have sex with anyone else EVER.

Ben's lucky he wasn't exposed an olden time animal behaviorist for his first.

In the running, from the same convo, was Amy telling Adrian she thought that she and Ben would be each others’ first time. The premise of the show you are on is that you got knocked up after a one nighter with some other dude while cashing in your v-chip, keep up Amy!

Jack told Madison he wouldn’t turn her in (for offering him a bejammer in exchange for favorable character witnessing for Amy) if she did it with him (although then he said he was kidding, but I think he was kidding in the Nelly way: unless you’re gonna do it.), to which doostyn says: “!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blackmail rape! In high school! This show is so two faced: like it can be juicier than Gossip Girl, but would never claim to be.”

The A-plot of the episode is that Amy and Ricky are finally going into mediation for their custody battle. It’s funny because normally when dudes whine about custody I’m like “Whatever dude, it’s the only thing in the patriarchy that actually benefits women, so go cry about it in your money bed and enjoy seeing only people with dicks on C-SPAN.” But I despise Amy so much that I’m forced to take Ricky’s part, even though he makes it hard for me by insisting on having custody of the child on a day he works all day and plans to leave him with his parents. It makes NO sense, therefore, that Amy can’t have John on Saturday, I don’t care how involved Ricky’s foster parents want to be.

My favorite moment was Amy’s Kimberley Shaw and her Glorious Alter Egos rage freakout on the bench after Ricky left. What was that about? Whenever Amy shows strong emotions I want to laugh. I’m so mean.

I find Grace’s romantic storyline troubling, since I don’t buy Ben as a romantic lead. And Grace is all “You should get custody of John too, since you were there for Amy all those months after she gave birth.” Yes, Grace, let’s give THE WHOLE TOWN custody of John. Everyone can have him for 5 minutes a day, problem solved!

Everyone makes character witnessing videos for Amy and then Ricky, and most of them are mired in high school issues, which I’m sure was like, so thrilling for the mediator. The greatest part about that was that Amy has a little epiphany and realizes she should let Ricky see John, and the mediator is like, “That’s nice, but it’s still my decision, not yours, and you are now legally required to let Ricky take John on the weekends.” FACED!

I can’t stand Ashley’s fug boyfriend, and, good news, she seems to have nothing but paper thinly veiled contempt for him. Still, condommania continues as Ashley is grilled about why, as the sister of a teenager with a baby, she keeps condoms. Apparently her icky boyfriend has had sex before and would like to do it with Ashley. Like everyone else on this show, they seem set to do it after Leo and Betty’s wedding. Because, as doostyn notes: “Nothing says let’s fuck like the origin of bed death. Besides, wedding sex isn’t something you plan, it just…happens.”

(Now you can fill in a wedding sex anecdote about either of us bloggers you deem appropriate. We’ll never confirm or deny.)

Dating never looks anything but excruciating on this show. If I were an alien learning about human culture from broadcasts of SLAT I’d think romance was a punishment for terrorists.

Doostyn says: It would be excruciating to date on that show. You’d have to gossip with your parents– and possibly other people’s parents– about every kiss and fondle, and the school counselor would call you in and you’d be like “Aaaagh what is blossom doing here” and then she’d say your date was a disaster of genocidal proportions so she’s making you go to the school dance with your great grandmother.”

And just to cement all the horror of the last hour, the show leaves us by suggesting that Adrian is pregnant. Noooooooooooo.

Or (doostyn again): “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Kill the evil spawn! I’m assuming it’s ben’s. I guess it could be Ricky’s, so might not be AS evil, either way, it’s wrong.
Me: No, apparently the condom broke with Ben.
doostyn: Ewwwwwwwwww
me: and Adrian’s late.
doostyn: Ben splooge: the only thing worse is a Ben baby.

(Note: welcome, influx of SLAT googlers querying “Who did Adrian have sex with after the mother-daughter dance” the answer, I hope you will be dismayed to learn, is Ben. EW. Also, I’m amazed as this implies that SLAT picks up new viewers every week, which is pretty discouraging. RuPaul’s Drag Race is on Mondays, people! Watch that!)

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