Posts Tagged ‘penis’

What are you trying to tell us, Oprah?

April 24, 2009

Her Majesty regarding the reattachment of John Wayne Bobbit’s penis:

“…that’s a medical miracle!”

Despite being kind of rude to say in front of guest Lorena Formerly-Bobbit, who was trying to describe the cycles of physical and mental abuse she received at the hands of her ex-husband/forever-not-normal-penis-haver and the mental state she was in while chucking the weenie out the window when Orpah interrupted to say she wished she could interview the guy who found the penis, this quote might also reveal a trend.  See below post to draw your own conclusions, but I swear Oprah had the same weirdly inspired look on both episodes.

My theory (and clearly the most sensical):  Oprah’s going to give her audience laboratory-grown attachable penises on her next Favorite Things show.  “YOU get a penis, and YOU get a penis…!”


Oprah’s going to give you every inch of her love

April 22, 2009


I was rudely confronted with this image during my lunch hour today.  Oprah was (street) walking down memory lane on today’s episode, and she thought she’d share some of her most terrifying moments (I think it was something more like “most memorable guests” but my theme is way more apt).

Jenny Boylan, author of the book She’s Not There and a post-transitional transsexual, is really responsbile for originating this train of thought, but Oprah so did not help things.  Oprah, our reliable clueless American rube stand-in confronted with all things “weeeeeeeeeeird” (which, honestly, has to be an act sometimes….what is this like transsexual guest #47 for you now Oprah?) , asks Jenny something along the lines of “Why did you have to have a vagina?”  To which Jenny, awesomely, responds “How would you feel if you had a penis Oprah?”  Oprah gives blank thoughtful face.

The viewer starts to recover from that brutal attack of thought rape when, cut to present-day Oprah with the same creepy think-y face.  Why won’t she let us live in peace?  Why, Oprah, do you then say “I really was thinking about what it would be like to have a penis.”   We know you were!  We were too!  It was mortifying.  Please, it’s getting awkward grandma, put your top back on.  (Aren’t you sometimes embarassed by Oprah like she’s a crazy family member?)

So, now that I’ve passed along the horror, try to think about it but not in that way you prurient sicko.  What would Oprah with a penis be like?  Would Oprah be controlled by her penis and join the evil patriarchy?  Or would she change all penises with her womanly love and upbeat better life book club shit?  Maybe a Be a Better Penis Day would result.  

Ok now just think about how it would look.  Gross, huh?