End of Time Part II– Bloated and Ridick, but not Without Charm

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The Time Lords are meeting talking about the prophecies of their seer is who doodling and babbling about stuff ending and earth. Um. What does a race of time travelers need with a prophet? This is seriously one of the smurfiest things ever. Mr. Cranky Old Time Lord (later I’ll learn he’s Rassilon, who is apparently a famous cranky old Time Lord) end up chucking a very special diamond at a hologram of the earth and that somehow enables the Time Lords to return to Earth. Seriously, the explanation we get is this: “The star was a diamond. And the diamond is a Whitepoint star.”

Thanks for the elucidation?

The Doctor and Wilf fuck off to space for awhile and have the most touching moment of the episode. In general I’ve loved Russell T. Davies Doctor Who, although this finale is bloated, overwritten, and idiotically plotted. But it can’t help but have some of the human touches I’ve come to love. Wilf gets all excited about being an astronaut. Then he gets serious: “My wife’s buried down there. I might never visit her again. Do you think they change? In their graves?”

Yeah, I totally cried, I’m not made of stone and dead wives of old men really get to me, and that’s such a quietly poetic thought. Well done RTD. Wilf goes on to tell the Doctor about serving in Palestine at the end of the Mandate. Hey! I know all about that!

Wilf and the Doctor talk about the end. And Wilf remembers the thing about the four knocks, so the stupidity is just reinforced. Wilf tells the Doctor to kill the Master and he’s all “Noooooooo” and tells Wilf vaguely about the events of The Waters of Mars. Wilf points out that the Doctor is a real asshole if he lets the Master live at the expense of the whole human race. Truth, but Wilf, the Doctor is kind of a douchebag now.

They return to earth full of resolve to confront the imminent return of the Time Lords who, by the way, have the stupidest plan ever. The cranky Time Lords and two Time Lord conscientious objectors arrive and a Time Lord pissing contest ensues. The Master threatens to make all the Time Lords him (seriously, this “medical device” is the WORST ever. How would it ever be useful to graft a whole population with an individual’s DNA?) but Rassilon uses his magical mitten to turn the Masters back in humans.

The Doctor realizes that Gallifrey is returning, and hurtling to earth is a burning planet. Worst salvation plan ever. Seriously. Transport to a planet that’s about to obliterated by bigger planet on fire. Super plan, Time Lords.

So the Master is endearingly excited about the return of Gallifrey, but the Doctor puts an end to that with one of those RTD phrases that rides the line between being awesome and evocative and completely overwritten and stupid: “You weren’t there. In the final days of the War. You never saw what was born. If the Timelock’s broken, everything’s coming through. Not just the Daleks, but the Skaro Degradations, the Horde of Travesties, the Nightmare Child, the Could-Have-Been King with his Army of Meanwhiles and Never-weres… The War turned into hell. And that’s what you opened, right above the Earth. Hell is descending.”

I think it lands on the right side, mostly thanks to the Nightmare Child (who we’ve heard of before) and the Could-Have-Been King and his Army of Meanwhiles and Never-Weres. Doesn’t that just intrigue you? It does me!

Rassilon says that the Doctor is correct, but that they will basically commit suicide by ending time and become creatures of consciousness. Oh for the love of Pete, that is an even more annoying excuse for suicide than “And THEN they’ll be sorry they were mean to me.”

The Doctor waffles for awhile but then shoots the diamond and the Time Lords and Gallifrey disappear. Like Sydney Bristow, the Doctor has once again avoided killing someone in a situation that begged for a killing. This scene by the way, is interminable with bad guy speechifying. And Rassilon could have dragged the Doctor back to hell with him if he hadn’t felt the need to villain ‘splain so much and had just used his magical mitten. For some reason the Master disappears into the Time Vortex with the other Time Lords even though the Doctor doesn’t. He shouldn’t either because he wasn’t in the Vortex to begin with, I would think. Whatever, it’s Kara Thrace all over again.

The Doctor is stoked about being alive when he hears Wilf knocking on the door of stupid radiation phone booth. Four times. For fuck’s sake, Wilf, you know the prophecy, knock three times or five times, what is wrong with you. This device is ridiculously stupid. Someone is locked in at all times and can only be let out when someone enters the other side. I can think of no good reason for this, other than that it’s a Doctor-killing machine.

The Doctor becomes an insufferable Douchebag. Explaining to Wilf that one of them has to die. “You had to go in there, didn’t you? You had to go and get stuck, oh yes! Because that’s who you are, Wilfred. You were always this. Waiting for me all this time.”

Wilf is all stoic: “Oh really, just leave me. I’m an old man, Doctor. I’ve had my time.”

The Doctor: “Well, exactly, Look at you. Not remotely important. But me! I could do so much more. So much more! But this is what I get. My reward. Lived too long.”

Seriously, what a dick. This whole monologue is designed to make Wilf feel as terrible and worthless as possible. What a fucking friend. I was dying for Wilf to be like, “You know what, fuck you. Leave, don’t care, just stop pontificating about how awesome you are when you already spelled out for me exactly what a douche you are an hour ago.”

But the Doctor eventually tells Wilf it will be his honor to die for him and swaps him out, absorbs the radiation, and comes out, having begun his regeneration into Eleven.

And then the Doctor leaves to “get his reward” which is a self-indulgent goodbye tour of companions that goes on, no joke for fifteen minutes. It’s so hideous I couldn’t even feel sad.

Mickey and Martha are married. Why? Who knows! (I suspect it’s the traditional pairing off of minority characters. What happened to Martha’s hot Doctor Without Borders?) Anyway, the Doctor saves them from getting shot by a Sontaaran. Then he saves Luke, Sarah Jane’s son from getting hit by a car. Then he arranges Jack a booty call in the Star Wars Cantina with Alonso from the Titanic episode. There’s a baby Adipose at the bar, which some clever TWOP commenter decried as “The product of a broken Britain!” Heh. He visits Joan Redford’s granddaughter, who has written about book about the grandmother’s encounter with John Smith the alien. Verity assures the Doctor that she was happy. The Doctor goes to Donna’s wedding and gives her a winning lotto ticket purchased with her dad’s money. He says goodbye to Wilf. Right because that’s what Donna needs, money. Super message.

And finally, Rose. The Doctor goes back to New Year’s 2005, before Rose met him. I don’t want to be unkind, but this is clearly not Billie Piper’s 2005 face. The Doctor groans thanks to the regeneration and Rose hears him. She tells him the date and he tells her she’s going to have a really great year. If this has been the only reward I 100% guarantee I would have cried and cried. But as it was I felt emotionally manipulated and irritated.

The Doctor regenerates into Eleven, whom Britain seems to consider hot but I find unnerving in an uncanny valley sort of way. He’s lacking eyebrows! It’s completely disturbing!

Seriously, where are they, it's unnerving!

So, I’m cool toward him, but that’s how I felt when Ten took over from Nine, so it won’t be that hard to convince me. (Although Eccleston remains my Doctor.)

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4 Responses to “End of Time Part II– Bloated and Ridick, but not Without Charm”

  1. quixotess Says:

    LOLOLOL! This was totally great! I’m going to look around at your blog for more Doctor Who reviews. You crack me up.

    The doctor is dead! Long live the doctor!

  2. gnatalby Says:

    I’m glad you liked it! If you go to the homepage, there are tabs on the right that lead you to specific shows, as I imagine you’ve figured out!

  3. Gembird Says:

    There are people who are attracted to the Eleventh Doctor? Good grief. Not only is he odd-looking, but we don’t even know what this Doctor’s personality will be yet.

    Says the person who has a completely irrational cursh on David Tennant despite the fact that he’s a rubber-faced goon.

    Also, good review, I don’t want to make this comment all about objectification of sci-fi characters!

  4. gnatalby Says:

    Gembird:

    I feel your pain. I am still in love with Nine despite his floppy ears and oddly elongated face.

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