A SLAT Drinking Game

by

I have had a wicked cold the past week or so, which has prevented me from one of life’s greatest joys: pairing booze with Secret Life of the American Teenager. So in lieu of actually boozing along to this week’s episode, I’ll just have to fantasize about it. But feel free to take my suggestions, and if you live through the experience, well, mazel, your liver is impressive.

The show opens with the Sausage Prince in his room reading a romance novel called Love & Flame that he apparently got from Betty. This book doesn’t seem to exist in the real world, alas, but jeez Ben, if you want porn use the internet like everyone else. This scene calls for your first drink, A Hairy Virgin (Rum, Triple Sec, OJ).

Griffin, the worst gay friend in the world, is sleeping over at Ashley’s. He tells Ashley that all metrosexuals are gay and makes excused for having his shirt off. Now… I’m not complaining, it’s a nice chest, but I’m getting a vibe that Griffin is maybe secretly straight, which would make this the most baffling and offensive storyline to date. Griffin makes excuses for not dating, because the entire school will never be comfortable with two guys making out. That is a pretty high bar to set. If the whole school had to approve I can’t imagine anyone would get together in high school.

Also having a sleepover, Adrian and Ricky. For this I’m going to recommend a Lime Ricky (gin, vodka, lime, and soda). Ricky is unsatisfied with the concept and is all “How about a sex over!” Ricky slightly endears himself to me in this scene by being really into and committed to Adrian, but that is a pretty fucking fleeting emotion, I’ll foreshadow. For god knows what reason, Adrian is extra enthusiastic about having a future baby with Ricky. Which, I guess isn’t a total surprise after her line last season “Who WOULDN’T want to have Ricky’s baby??” but it still creeps me out. Adrian, you are a child, please enjoy at least some of your life before you start another life.

In the first of this week’s offensive ethnic stereotypes, Jane Mancini is having sex with Jeff, who keeps getting phone calls from his mom and Jane, creepily is all “We could have sex whiiile you talk to your mother…” And he’s all, “A Jewish boy’s dream!” Jane, who says that? I’d pass Jeff’s comments off as a total joke, but developments in the episode make me doubt myself.

Grace festoons her bed with rose petels and lights candles in an effort to seduce… herself. She puts on She-bop and gets down to business. Now, this is one of the finest masturbation songs in the world, but not particularly current. Grace’s drink of the episode? The Orgasm (Grand Marnier, Irish Cream, and Cointreau). You’ll want plenty of these ingredients on hand.

The Sausage Prince was hiding Maria (his Italian lovah) in the closet. Apparently the Sausage King knows Maria’s father– because he’s in the mob! Of course he is. Maria is an Italian on tv. Other ethnic stereotype achieved! For Maria you will drink The Godfather (Amaretto and Scotch).

(Also Maria and the mob bosses last name? Mancini. Nice one, Melrose aficionados.)

Meanwhile, Amy and Anne are grocery shopping, at eleven o’clock at night. I note the time because they repeat this over and over again. Please. If I didn’t grocery shop at eleven at night I would never have food. Amy flirts with a boy at the store whose Dad is Anne’s ex from high school and the brother of the guy Anne slept with in Chicago. Dude demands that Anne kiss him, which is pretty forward for someone he hasn’t seen in years. Apparently Chicago dude forwards his emails from Anne to grocery store dude. Cree.py. Anne seems turned on. That’s why her drink is the Dirty Mother (Brandy and Kahlua).

Amy is uncharacteristically charming while flirting with the dude, yet more proof that Ricky and Ben bring out the worst in her. I’m just afraid that if they break up Ben will go on an international sex spree, and I’m not sure my stomach can take that.

Ricky is being an ASSHOLE to Adrian. All “If we can’t have sex can I go home?” I don’t understand the aversion some dudes have to cuddling. Cuddling is awesome, and it’s not exactly a commitment. Ricky lies that he’s really trying to make it work with Adrian.

Grace (have another Orgasm!) is brushing her hair like a Disney princess when Jack comes in, sees the rose petals, and accuses her of cheating. For Grace masturbation is like an opioid narcotic apparently, as her response is to dreamily sigh “Whaaaaatever.”

Jeff and Jane Mancini are in bed when Jeff’s mom busts in all “Is this the widow? Your husband and my son have only been dead six months… but I like you!” Invasive mom who intrudes incestuously on sex life turns out not to be a joke? Offensive ethnic stereotype: Check! It turns out that Jeff is a democrat and Jane is a Republican (who voted for Obama). Jeff is shocked but, what? I find it’s pretty easy to suss out someone’s political views if you have any conversations with them at all. Especially since Jeff claims to love Jane Mancini.

Jane and Grace have a very awkward mother-daughter moment while Jane is geeking out about the three little words. She’s all “He loves me? He loves me!!”

Grace: Who?
Jane: …. Jesus! [Heh.]
Grace: Not Jesus. Jeff? It’s Jeff, right? You guys are already telling each other you love each other?
Jane: I didn’t tell him, he just told me right now on the phone. Grace be happy. I’m happy for you when good things happen to you.
Grace: Well actually… good things have been happening to me lately.
Jane: Oh?
Grace wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
Jane: Oh! Awesome, huh?
Grace: Oh yeah. I’m so happy I may never see Jack again!

Jane looks worried, even though this is exactly what she wanted when she told Grace to masturbate. For Jane Mancini, the Royal Widow (Crown Royale and Amaretto) and for Grace… another Orgasm!

Ricky the disgusting sleaze has brought a girl back home to have sex with, and it’s little Ruthie from 7th Heaven, whom I totally did not recognize at first. Her acting (not that there’s much of it) seems to have improved. She whips out a multi-colored condom and confirms this is just for fun, although, turns out it’s more for revenge. For these two: a Quick Fuck (Schnapps, Irish Cream, Midori).

Amy is back and her good attitude was left at the grocery store near Mimsy’s, probably in the abandoned shopping cart. Amy and George have a conversation about the paternity of little Robbie and Amy gets all back-talky, so George is all “I’m you’re father” and Amy’s all “Sure about that?” Ouch. Amy picks a passive aggressive little fight with Ashley all “I’m happy Dad gave you this room because I have something better than this room– an SUV and a license. Freedom! And a new guy in my life!” That’s… a pretty low bar for a relationship Amy.

Ashley tells Amy about the guy in Chicago, which is, apparently, news to Amy. Ashley is all smug: “I guess Dad and I are closer than you and Mom.” For Amy and Ashley you can have any kind of Sour you want. (I like Whiskey so, Whiskey, Lemon, Triple Sec.)

Wrapping up loose ends… Ben has been waffling all episode about breaking up with Amy, so Adrian tells him to suck it up and stay with Amy, since she’s just about to have sex with him and he loves her. Which seems untrue. Jack finds out from Tom to the tune of fifty five dollars) that Grace isn’t cheating, she’s just incessantly masturbating. (Have another Orgasm!) Although Tom actually says Grace is cheating by having sex with herself, by herself. That is… a very strict definition of cheating. Ricky confronts Amy about leaving and tells her he’ll be getting an agreement in court.

And in a scene that broke my hearth, Ruthie calls up Adrian to tell her she had sex with Ricky as payback for Adrian sleeping with her boyfriend.

Cheaters suck, Adrian, take a cue from Grace and just she-bop!

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4 Responses to “A SLAT Drinking Game”

  1. Caroline Says:

    I have not watched SLAT at all, yet, but its on my list. However, this post kept me rather entertained and reminded me that I need (at least) a drink. = )

  2. gnatalby Says:

    I think it would be interesting to watch it from the perspective of someone with a baby, since SLAT doesn’t operate by any rules of the real world.

  3. Chupacabra! « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] has sex hair this whole episode, which is funny since we know she’s only having solo sex. Like I said before, it’s like an opioid narcotic the way it calms Grace down. She doesn’t care about Jack […]

  4. Mama Mia Mancini « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] Mia Mancini By gnatalby Offensive Ethnic stereotype watch! In “Mama Mia” Melrose 6×18, Mama Mancini is coming to visit, apparently […]

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