There Is Such a Thing as Bad Sex


If you’re not watching Secret Life of the American Teenager, you should be. It’s definitely the greatest amount of giddiness per second for me. It’s definitely in the So bad it’s good category (I should totally start a tag for that…. done!) but also in the anthropology category, since as we’ve noted, it’s fascinating to try to determine what Christian values of today are. For example, this week’s episode seems to suggest that masturbation is a great thing to do and oral sex isn’t real sex. I’m sort totally on board with these things! I definitely don’t ahem count oral toward my number, but I thought the appalled Christian masses disapproved and that this was a holdover from my Catholic (everything but(t)) days. I mean, Taylor Swift acts completely repulsed by french kissing and Christian Side Hugs exist because even a friendly embrace is too tempting.

Anyway! I really needed these previouslies, because I totally forgot many things that happened on this show… like George not knowing if the baby is his and that Jane Mancini (whose hair looks like it was cut by a weedwhacker while she was borrowing Jenny Humphrey’s eyeliner) is dating an infant! Fun times!

The dadaism starts immediately with Ben insisting to Madison and Lauren that he’s not breaking up with Amy (“You’re supposed to be a wordsmith, Madison!” Really? When did we ever get that impression? Also, these episode is blissfully free of Amy.) He retches and then runs off to throw up. What the hell? Does Ben have morning sickness? Don’t worry, this is never explained.

Adrian figures out via punnett square that something is fishy in paternity land (maybe) and then non-sensically tells Grace there’s no such thing as bad sex. WRONG Adrian, child, you have been very fortunate. I don’t really want to overshare too badly here, but trust.

So… Blossom is in this episode, as the new guidance counselor, Dr. Bink. All the kids keep acting like “Bink” is some kind of innuendo, but unless I’m out of touch… it’s not? She was fired from her last job for having sex with a student but actually just for going to prom with one, all learned through helpful exposition by Joe, the fake ID supplier.

Sample dialogue?

Joe: [Ashley’s] protector… this Griffin guy, he’s Gayer Gay Gayerson.
Blossom: That’s pretty gay.
Joe: There’s a clown car with the sidekicks, Henry and Alice, whose relationship is so hot it’s contributed to global warning [Really? I thought it was established the sex between them was bad.] and with the two of them is [sic] Lauren and Madison.
Blossom: Lesbians?
Joe: Not yet, but maybe down the line. [I’m warning you show, do NOT let this happen.]
Blossom: And they all left campus to have sex together?
Joe: No, just with anyone they could find.

Joe’s idea of roving sex gangs here reminds me of some of my early misconceptions about sex (Namely, once you lost your V you were just open for business! Steady stream of sex for the rest of your life!) which I’d call verite, but I don’t trust the writers that much.

So yeah, everyone is skipping school to have sex with whoever they can find. Gradrian and Griffley are driving around together, with Adrian giving us a lecture on statutory rape laws. It’s kind of awesome. Grace demands of Griffin: “Tell us about gay sex!”

Educational opportunities! But, no, the show has Griffin pass. Probably because Brenda Hampton doesn’t know anything about gay sex other than urban legends about hamsters. My personal favorite moment is when Griffin unearths Ashley’s “secret” that she was just at the beach— with her family! And Donovan and Leon! Griffin acts really pissed about this and is like, “Donovan and Leon are gay, right? You haven’t introduced me because…..?”

Of for fuck’s sake. Griffin is the worst gay friend in the history of television. No, Griffin, Ashley isn’t legally required to introduce all the gays she knows to one another. You have nothing in common with these guys other than being gay. Why do you, a teenager, want to hang out with some middle-aged dudes? I mean, I know you’re insufferable, but that doesn’t seem to be the show’s position.

Ben’s Italian girl on the side shows up at the beach all windswept and Italian, so that’s probably going to provide an insufferable jealous Amy plot. Sigh.

I can’t wait for next week!


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2 Responses to “There Is Such a Thing as Bad Sex”

  1. nikki Says:

    So bad it’s good. Only from the creator of the bad bad bad can’t turn away from it 7th Heaven.

  2. A SLAT Drinking Game « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] the worst gay friend in the world, is sleeping over at Ashley’s. He tells Ashley that all metrosexuals are gay and […]

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