If You Kill Amanda Woodward, I’ll be Pissed


In episode 6×14, “To Kill a Whirleybird,” Kyle, Taylor and Taylor’s lips go to Vegas to “win back” money to save the club (but really Taylor stole it when Kyle was passed out drunk in order to have the opportunity to go to vegas with him and romance him).

Peter nearly drowns the hobo Lexi ran down who is skulking around the marina, being the fine human beings they are, they’re more concerned about what he knows and how to keep his trap shut than with his welfare. (Primum non nocere is definitely not Peter’s motto.)

Connie continues to scheme to win over Sam and tells Billy all about this “amazing” birthday party Sam threw: “Sam has always been a birthday fanatic. For my 21st she had this whole teen doll theme [???????] she had dolls… tons of little outfits… and of course, tons of tequilla.”

Wow. What a great party… for an adult.

Doostyn: Ew, that sounds frightening. That sounds like me puking all over creepy dolls and pleading with you repeatedly to go get me some pepto while you roll your eyes.
Gnatalby: The me in your mind is really mean. Sadly I think it’s based on past behavior.
Doostyn: Oh it’s not so bad really. Just the time you made me cry in Barnes and Noble, the time you shamed me on the bus for drinking out of a nipple, the time you handed me over to palestinian militants, and the pepto ordeal.

Only most of those things are true. I’ll leave it to you, gentle reader, to discern which.

So the McBrides are doing well at the gambling tables, and the hotel offers them a high roller suite. Taylor and the lips are immediately all: “That’s so nice of you, isn’t that nice honey? Just one more thing. Make sure there’s plenty of unblended scotch. And I’ll need… oysters… and other sensual foods to eat, you know?”

The important point about this dialogue is that it’s very Jane Mancinian, in that Taylor is over-pronouncing each syllable like it’s the first time she’s said anything while making eyes as big as the ones on Connie and Sam’s dolls. (Evidently lesbian relationships are unspeakably perverse.)

Speaking of Connie! Billy comes home trashed from his birthday party and he and Connie have a beer which leads to kissing on the couch. I wish I could do a screencap, but for some reason it always crashes my media player, because there is this moment where Billy is making the most hilarious pre-kiss face. His mouth is hanging open like my dearly departed late Guinea Pig Chiclet and then he just goes for it, tongue already sticking out pre-lip contact. Gross. So, naturally, Connie blabs to Sam that Billy made a pass at her. Which you know, she’s manipulative, but it’s also completely true! He did make a pass at her.

Sam confesses it all to Amanda who says it’s “surprising.” Is it though? I mean, Amanda has intimate knowledge of Billy, you’d think she’d know he’s not “the most perfect and sensitive guy.” Though she does tell us that men are like dogs– even though most behaved will hump any leg it gets a hold of. Someone should stitch that on a pillow. Anway, Connie’s ex Charlie shows up…. and Charlie’s a lady! SHOCK (well, not really). Billy seems oddly smirky and relieved at this, even though, as noted above, this doesn’t solve the problem of how Billy put the moves on Connie.

Kyle decides to forgive Amanda, which pisses Taylor off as she’s all “That witch only cares about herself and I only care about you!” Um, and Peter, remember when that happened? Amanda tells Kyle where he can shove it and she and Sam board a helicopter to do some scouting, which I’m pretty confused about, because they’re in advertising…?

Taylor pretends she won back the money, and she and Kyle bone amidst the pile of bills. Romance! But, unfortch for Taylor, Amanda’s helicopter goes down thank to a malfunction of the red goo valve. (Seriously, I don’t know, but red good starts gushing up out of cracks in the ‘copter.) Naturally the pilot dies and Amanda thinks her back is broken but Sam is fine, apart from being stranded, and Amanda’s cell phone isn’t in range. Later Amanda almost dies, but Sam does CPR. Too bad she doesn’t know about “Stayin’ Alive” because she just counts and begs “Come on Amanda!” I have a longstanding gripe with how often CPR works on tv (doesn’t work that often on adults in the absence of hospital equipment folks), but it’s not like I want Amanda to die, she’s the best part of Melrose!

Kyle wakes up in his dirty sex bed and turns on the news to find out about the crash. Taylor, a model of sensitivity, is all “I’m sure she’s fine. She probably just stopped to sharpen her claws on a tree somewhere.” (I had to listen to this line four times to figure out what she said.) Surprisingly, Kyle is not feeling amorous after this and informs Taylor it was the last time EVER. Sure Kyle. Maybe your mouth shouldn’t write checks your dick has no intention of covering.



One Response to “If You Kill Amanda Woodward, I’ll be Pissed”

  1. Kyle’s Flashbacks, Amanda’s Legs, and Lexi’s Vague Understand of the Law « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] crash. He asks Amanda to marry him and she agrees. Taylor tries to interfere, telling Amanda about the Vegas sexing but Kyle already told her because he trusts […]

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