Merry Christmas! or Merry Day in December

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Alas, the only present I can offer my dear readers is a long-in-coming update. I’m not very organized around the holidays, so I’m just happy my presents made it home and am contemplating making eggnog because I really want some, but it’s sort of a production to make just for me. Plus eggnog is a little like sausage– you don’t want to see it get made. I mean, it’s twelve egg yolks to four cups of milk, something about that doesn’t seem right (while at the same time sounding sort of delish).

Onward, to freeing up some space on Eglentine, my computer!

The Scene: Melrose 6×13– A Christmas Episode entitled “A Tree Talks in Melrose.”

Taylor arranges a special Christmas concert at the jazz club, which is totally a treasure for guest stars of the smoooooooth jaaaaaazz persuasion whose characters happen to be secret, never mentioned good friends of our series regulars. Taylor tries to put a move on Kyle, but he pointedly takes her hand off his arm. Taylor asks John Cicata (sp? I have no idea who this person is, and google isn’t helping. If he’s secretly famous– my bad.) to play a special Christmas concert to save the club and he agrees saying he could never turn down “a woman who looks like this.”

New plan for getting what I want… collagen. In. My. Lips.

Lexie gives Peter the thoughtful gift of finding your girlfriend on the bathroom floor after she ODed, frightened that Jennifer Mancini is going to tell someone about her hit and run homeless man encounter. Jennifer, btw, is creepily over-interested. Lexie is all “You’re doing all this for Michael” and she goes, “I would do this and a LOT MORE for Michael.” I got total incest shivers from that line (perhaps because it reminds me of a similar line from Brenda about Billy on 6ftUnder). I keep forgetting they’re supposed to be siblings and wondering why Michael hasn’t hit that, since he is the biggest slut in the world. Jennifer prolongs the annoying patent storyline (who thought this was a good idea? Copyright lawsuits? BORING) by getting Cooper’s designs in exchange for Lexie dropping her alimony requirements.

Billy and Sam have a big stupid fight/make up about Connie, who loooooooves Sam and has some elaborate scheme involving seducing Billy through mistletoe kissing and nude lounging. I find that when you want lesbian action, it’s better to go straight to it, rather than detouring at man-ville, but that’s just my style. More Jill Sobule than Katy Perry.

Amanda decides to give Kyle “the truth” for Christmas. She tells him that she’s in love with him, and it’s been him since they met and blah blah blah. Kyle’s all “Is that supposed to make me forget what happened between you and Eric?”

So Amanda’s all: Nothing happened. We never had sex. From the moment you and I met I just never wanted anyone else.
Kyle: No, you, you went to his hotel room and you took your clothes off. So I don’t care if you wanted Eric or if you were trying to save your agency, you went there to sleep with him.
Amanda: But I didn’t! I couldn’t go through with it!
Kyle: You know, you don’t get points from me because the guy turns you off.

It hate having to side with Kyle (boy do I, I can feel pain radiating from my blackened heart) but he is totally in the right. Intent matters, Amanda! The only reason you didn’t have sex with Eric is that Kyle walked in! Jeez.

Taylor and the lips come in all saucy to have a shot with Kyle and enthuse about how much money the club is making, but Kyle prefers the surly alcoholic’s way of drinking alone and angry, which allows Taylor to scheme and steal the money in order to convince Kyle to go to her with Vegas to win it back, giving her time and the sultry sleaze of Vegas to seduce him.

And now the money shot of the episode!!! Michael Mancini in a Santa suit getting served divorce papers! If you’ve ever wanted to watch Santa destroy a beach house, hulk smash a Christmas tree, break gifts, tear down lights and do an angry striptease culminating in the burning of a Santa suit, look no further! (Also if this is your dream, you are awesome, call me.)

The episode ends with Michael throwing a Christmas tree into the ‘Place pool while Amanda intones sarcastically “God bless us every one” and a singing Michael ornament burbles in its watery grave. (Which is sort of odd, since it should make the sound of electronic things meeting water, not a gargle.)

Happy Christmas to Christians, to everyone else, Happy … Day.

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One Response to “Merry Christmas! or Merry Day in December”

  1. If You Kill Amanda Woodward, I’ll be Pissed « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] If You Kill Amanda Woodward, I’ll be Pissed By gnatalby In episode 6×14, “To Kill a Whirleybird,” Kyle, Taylor and Taylor’s lips go to Vegas to “win back” money to save the club (but really Taylor stole it when Kyle was passed out drunk in order to have the opportunity to go to …). […]

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