Turkey Time

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Oh man. Remember how I said Mrs. Shaw was not a well woman? Well, awesomely, she comes to town and decides to “scare” Michael but ends up shooting at him, and then she hands off the gun to Cooper, who intends to fly her back to Ohio and put her under psychiatric care.

But…. even weather is a schemer! It colludes with Mrs. Shaw to ground her plane in Chicago. And… somehow she ends up back in LA? I guess she took another plane, but I like to think she hitch-hiked. “What brought you out to LA, lady?”

“Murdering my ex-son-in-law. Why, do you have family out this way?”

My joy at Sam’s departure was premature.. she went back to MD and Billy followed her and proposed enthusiastically, yet annoyingly. But it’s sort of okay because Sam’s maid of honor is her art school friend Connie who is AMAZING. She has this creepy scrapbook full of pictures of herself and Sam, it rivals Dr. Horrible’s photo collection of Penny pictures. Sam’s all “It’s going to be a great wedding!”

And Connie Manson lamps: “Over my dead body!” which is such an on the nose soap opera thing to say. Nobody SAYS “over my dead body” any more than people say “Oh burrito!” Annoyingly, her scheming seems to consist of throwing herself at Billy which is nine kinds of repulsive. Billy’s success with the ladies is such a mystery to me. I mean, idiots like Allison and Sam, sure, but our cunning Amanda Woodward?

Anyway, Mrs. Shaw disguises herself in scrubs, breaks into the OR to stab Michael, Megan comes in to warn him and gets stabbed causing Mrs. Shaw to yell: “Just as well! You took my Kimberly I’ll take your whoooooore!”

Really, sentence structure matters. Mrs. Shaw is unwittingly, but slightly accurately implying that Kimberly is a whore. Really more of a pimp, I guess.

Amanda has to save her new ad agency by sleeping with her old boss, Eric Banes, and, weirdly, she has qualms. This isn’t the Amanda I know! Amanda slept with Billy for no other reason that mysterious non-specific advancement right after he gave his big Greed is Good speech. Whence this sudden conscience? I guess she looooves Kyle, but I can’t, for the life of me, fathom why.

In 6×10, the delightfully titled “My Little Coma Girl,” Amanda regains some of her moxie when she pulls a gun on Taylor who is there to gloat after Kyle caught Amanda circa flagrante delicto. She’s all: “I’m going to miss having him around here. You know he always made me feel so safe. I guess from now on I’m going to have to fend for myself. But luckily, before I met Kyle I took lessons. Filled out the registration forms because you never know when someone might break into your apartment or be a general nuisance…. I bought it a long time ago, I don’t even know if it works, but… I’m willing to give it a try.” And she takes the safety off and points it at Taylor and it’s AWESOME. “Get the HELL out of my apartment before I blow that smirk off your face. AND DON’T COME BACK!”

To compound things, Kyle pushes Taylor in the pool (that NEVER gets old!) and then creeps out all “I could soooo easily jump in there and hold your head under….” Dial it back!

Lexi spills the beans that Cooper fell for Kimberly when she was in her coma because he’s doing the saaame thing with Megan, including not let anyone else in the ICU (including Michael) and holding her hand and singing to her. It’s totes creepy, but everyone is acting like it’s just a nuisance! It’s so weird. Michael is like, “I don’t know, keeping that perv off my comatose wife will be a problem for my career… better just stay and have a drink and dessert!” I am barely paraphrasing that, by the way. CREEPY.

Cooper’s sputtering indignation is amazing: “Oh, is it WEIRD to be compassionate? About wanting to give LIFE back to a patient? WHAT?”

Yeah it IS weird if you think they NEEEEED your sperm. Christ, who needs that explained to them?

So Cooper sneaks back in and he’s all “I’m sorry.. I wanted to be here for you.. you know what? I’m sorry, no one’s been playing your favorite music for you…” and so he puts on Pachelbel’s Canon. Oh I’m SO sure a classic wedding processional is Megan’s favorite song. “I’m the one who knows what’s best for you…”

Disgustingly, this ends up waking Megan up. Gross.

Meanwhile, back in bland love, Billy’s mom offers her hideous brooch to Sam for her wedding day, but she turns it down, and Mrs. Billy’s mom is all “Allison always loved this brooch.” And Sam get’s all pissy about it. Pin on the damn brooch, you ingrate! Mrs. Campbell complains to Billy who has a big fight with Sam, and they end up getting hitched mid-fight. Awk.ward. Jennifer Mancini is like me, she’s all “Don’t make a scene, just go get married.” So they do. Lexi gets trashed and is grinding with everyone on the dance floor and it’s hilarious. She’s all tugging on dude’s ties, patting her weave, then she goes home with Peter and he’s all, you barely drank, why are you so fucked up? And she’s practically falling over all, “I guess I’m hiiiiiigh on youuuuu…” Yeah, or on the delightful combination of benzos and champagne.

Mrs. Campbell also gets trashed and is all, “You’d better keep your eye on him… You’re not the first love of his life. And you won’t be the last. How bout a toast: Here’s to my current daughter-in-law– may your marriage to Billy last longer than the first one. Or… am I not allowed to mention Brooke either? Just don’t wear your high heels around the pool.”

DAMN Mrs Campbell! Point and Match! THAT is how you give a toast!

This episode is also nominally a Thanksgiving episode, so everyone is making turkeys and yams between comas and weddings. Melrose is just like life that way.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Booze Tube! May your holiday be coma and scheme-free but still retain its alcohol and prescription pills. Or the reverse if that’s really what you’re into.

ETA: Just drunk kidding. All that stuff I said happened in 6×10? That was really 6×11 “Everybody Come to Kyle’s!”

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2 Responses to “Turkey Time”

  1. doostyn Says:

    May we all give thanks for such an spectacular piece of entertainment like this being able to exist in the world.

    I, like you, am not going home for Thanksgiving this year, so I have an empty apartment, lots of time, and a need to fill both with something. So also, I give thanks to you for pointing out that Melrose may have faltered in season 5, but season 6 is apparently kicking ass.

    My home and holiday are no longer empty. They will be filled with laughter, joy, and togetherness…me, a bottle of wine, and re-connection with old friends and hated bitches alike.

    Happy Holidays indeed!

  2. Last Train to Baghdad: Part 1 « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] Amanda mysteriously has no friends, even though she’s the most awesome person in the ‘Place, so she has to ask Sam to be her maid of honor. Gross. I’d rather she asked Allison, at least she might get trashed and say something horriblelarious in the manner of Billy’s mom to Sam at their wedding. […]

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