Hi I’m a homosexual how can I help your heterosexual existence?

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The Secret Life of the American Teenager definitely qualifies as the most watchable yet most frustrating show I watch on a weekly basis.  The twisted conservative (but hip!) moralizing is always something to roll your eyes at (see Studies in Line reading with Professor Coolidge), but tonight I was just pissed.

I was excited and slightly horrified in anticipation at what a gay teen would bring to the show this season, and have come to find that horrified (not slightly) is way more apt.  Griffin is a gay stereotype of the worst degree, a particular kind that really puts an itch in my big gay rectum that even the most gigantic of big gay dildos can’t scratch.  He apparently is around for the sole purpose of saving Ashley from being cast into slut-dom upon her entrance into the sex-drenched halls of the American high school (and what’s so fucking secret about this sex-drenching anyway…every kid talks about it constantly, even the adults’ boring sex lives…why do high schoolers care about 40somethings’ sexcapades?!?!).

First eyebrow raising moment of the episode in regards to Griffin’s neutered heterosexual assistance pledge :  He brushes off a potential suitor who approaches Ashley in said sex-drenched hallway.  Not only does he act all chivalrous/chauvinist about her dating (why does he fucking care, and why doesn’t sassy Ashley tell him to back the fuck off?), but then he goes one crazy ass step further and says “Remember we said no dating in high school!” after a guy approaches him for a date!  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!

No, no, no, no Brenda Hampton and the other producers of this show that is damaging little teen brains across the nation!!!!  I may be able to look at this train wreck and not get permanent mental damage from it, but I’m not so sure younger more impressionable minds can.  This is not what gays are for!  We do not have an inexorable male impluse to save ladies from slutty disaster, and we do not care who or how often they date in this kind of sense.  Perhaps, for those of us with lady friends (and yes, that is a stereotype I’m comfortable in confirming, we typically have lots of straight female friends), we might like to know these things just like we would like to know about any other thing happening in a friend’s life, but we certainly do not meet a girl, declare her our friend (weirdly kind of against her will in this case….is this like homosexually hetero date rape or something?), and then, as Griffin pledges to Ashley’s father at the end of the episode, make it our personal mission to protect her girlish honor.  If anything, we ask “How big do you think his deeeeeeeeeeeeck is?”  and encourage a better understanding of the matter through the perfected homo-art of fellatio.

Some gay stereotypes are perfectly acceptable and can be played up (stereotype does not always equal bad), but when it’s this deluded (we’re entering Object of My Affection/Next Best Thing territory here…shudder), it needs to go.  Griffin and Ashley better start acting like the other teens on this show (oral sex, pregancy [not with each other!!!], father-killing awesome intercourse…all commonplace) or this show might not be a Booze Tube favorite anymore.  (Gnatalby you can continue to watch in “secret” shame if you’d like…I probably will too even if I declare otherwise.  Damn you addictively bad teen soaps!)

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5 Responses to “Hi I’m a homosexual how can I help your heterosexual existence?”

  1. gnatalby Says:

    Just watching SLAT now….

    Yeah, Griffin is a little cutie, but his intense interest in Ashley is so random and unbelievable. Like, if I had more respect for the writers, I would think he was only pretending to be gay to get close to Ashley, but that would require planning ahead.

    Let’s also examine George’s speech to Skipper which strains all credibility:

    George: I don’t got no education so I just have to use my brain!
    Skipper: I thought you graduated from college.
    George: Not a good one. [Okay, fine, ha!]
    Skipper: Still, I’m surprised that Anne would even want you to have this conversation with me.
    George (here it comes): You were a sickly child, weren’t you? Spend a lot of time in the house with legoes? You’d fantasize what life would be like outside those gates of the state you grew up in [What states are gated??] but you never really found out so let me tell ya. Life outside those gates [seriously, what gates??] is crap. And it’s real and it’s messy. [Messy. Crap. Heh.] And you can’t plan it. You can’t control it. All you can do is live it. And you can’t live it with my wife and my daughters and my baby.
    Skipper: Wanna bet?

    Fallin’ in love! Is such an easy thing to do!

    Good thing the property doesn’t have opinions about this.

  2. Doostyn Says:

    I think he said “estate.” But I’d go with Utah as the most gated-feeling state. Do you think Skipper could be Mormon?

    I’m with Skipper in that I’m surprised Anne would want them to have that conversation, but moreover, why the hell would Skipper? Just because Anne wanted it? And, moreover moreover, why would George? Also, Skipper knows life is messy….in his past life he broke up with a woman while inside her. Life doesn’t get much messier than that.

  3. gnatalby Says:

    Heh. Okay. I just relistened and it is estate, which makes much more sense. But I think it’s a tribute to the craziness of SLAT that I thought “state” was a possibility.

    Everything else you say is truth. But I don’t know why we’re still talking about this when there’s cribbage to play! It’s the kind of fun that lasts a lifetime!

  4. There Is Such a Thing as Bad Sex « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] for fuck’s sake. Griffin is the worst gay friend in the history of television. No, Griffin, Ashley isn’t legally required to introduce all the gays she knows to one […]

  5. A SLAT Drinking Game « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] the worst gay friend in the world, is sleeping over at Ashley’s. He tells Ashley that all metrosexuals are gay and makes […]

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