9021Oh Honey, No

by

Season seven of 90210 ends with a bang. Specifically, the inaugural bang of one Miss Donna Martin, who has finally decided to give it up to David Silver after a bizarro season seven episode where her grandmother, in black and white flashbacks starring Donna and David (who are also pictured in olde tyme photographs on the mantle) as her grandparents, and how they got married after knowing each other for a week, and then he put a baby in her and left to go die in World War II. This makes Donna decide that having sex with David is The Right Thing To Do, since the cross she wears was taken to war by the inseminator, so Jesus wants her to, or something. Also when she tells her grandmother that she and David have a hotel room for the night, Grandma is all pervaciously: “Oh?” And Donna’s all: “Not like that!”

And then Grandma makes disappointed face and sighs: “Her mother’s influence.” Even Grandma thinks David deserves a bejammer.

(This episode is completely awesome, fyi. (Well, incompletely, St. Kelly picks up a bemulleted child she finds sleeping on her deck chair. He ran away from home because his mom is pregnant or something. Oh! And Valerie starts dating Smith Jerrod, who is playing basically the same character, an accidental actor, super hot, but down to earth. ))

Donna’s all “I have a present for you…” as she hands him a condom, foreshadowing the deflowering of one Joey Potter, who, after freaking out at Pacey Witter for bringing a condom on a skiing trip, tucked her hair behind her ear and simpered: “Do you still have that condom?”

And Pacey was all, “Don’t worry, I’ll throw it away.”

And then Joey was all, “I want you to throw the wrapper away.”

Which is a moment I love, since teenagers really are super awkward when they’re trying to both negotiate this sort of thing and be cute at the same time.  (My favorite example of this is when the gang in flashback of Veronica Mars is playing “Never  have I ever” and Lily, trying to make Veronica confess her virginity, says: “I’ve never not had sex.”)

ANYWAY.

Season eight begins with Donna in the confessional having told her priest of her impure thoughts and deeds, and Brandon voice over saying: “But she hadn’t confessed to her mother, which made David furious.” Um. WHAT?

David spends the next several episodes trying to get Donna to tell her mother that they are now having a sexual relationship. WHAT? What IS that? That is not normal. Finally, Donna tells her mother (when they’re in the hospital after St. Kelly gets shot) that it was “wonderful and loving.”

Too much information for a parent, Donna!  Observe boundaries! (Although, when I was dating my mythological ex, my parents wanted to meet him, and I didn’t want to put pressure on our relationship, so I was stalling, and then my Dad was all: “Sweetheart, if he’s good enough to have sex with, he’s good enough to meet us.”  Au contraire, pater, I respect you enough to not want you to have to meet some of my patrons.)

ANYWAY.

This season also brings us to the music that I remember from the 90s (including Ru Paul. Chante, sashay.), which is a welcome change. (Although it brings with it lots of cropped tops. Ugh.) David is trying his hand at being an agent for a smokin’ hot anti-Semite. We learn this valuable info when Donna walks by the Hotzi saying, “No one’s gonna Jew me down!” on the phone. and then it echoes and reverberates as the picture blurs. Donna is such a good person that she has a physical response to intolerence that on tv usually means someone is wasted or about to pass out.

I wanted to wrap up one other thing from season seven, the drug issue. Pot is an immediate gateway drug, as one episode after he first smokes it, Steve Sanders is about to try heroin for the first time, but first his buddy dies after snorting a line.  As if he’d been partying with a van der Woodsen, his heart just stopped.  Steve, naturally, goes for the reefer stick to ease his pain, but Brandon saves the day by reminding him what to live for. That night at the Peach Pit After Dark, they come across a bizarre vigil for the red shirt druggie.  Steve, seeing a bong, flips the fuck out.

SS: Who left this here? Who left a pot pipe [sic] here? Whose bong is this? No one’s, huh? Fine.  [Steve hurls the bong against the brick wall.] Listen up. Don’t leave any drug paraphenalia here. Let’s not make this “cool,” this isn’t “cool” this is stupid. And I know what I’m talking about. I’m alive today because Dick died first. I was next in line to catch that same bus. I told him to save me some. And then I found him in the bathroom. Want to know what his last words were? [voice breaking] I don’t want to die. That’s what he said. He knew he blew it, he knew it. So if you want to come here, hang out, and memorialize, and remember Richard Harrison, then remember that he was a scholar, he was a leader, he was an athlete.  That he was a 22 year old who had a brilliant future in front of him that got wiped away because he was doing drugs. You remember that. And remember his last words: I don’t want to die.

Oh Steve. Maybe the person who left the bong was thinking: “If only Dick Harrison had stayed home smoking his bong and eating doritos rather than snorting horse down at the PPAD, he’d still be with us.” I mean, practically the only way weed can leave you dead on the bathroom floor is if you have asthma.

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One Response to “9021Oh Honey, No”

  1. Doostyn Says:

    Why would someone do that to a bong?!? A Harmless, phallic, beautiful bong!?! This Steve Sanders should take some saint lessons from Kelly and Donna.

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