Infomercials: Magic Bullets, Purifiers, Corsets

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The other night, when pulling an all-nighter, I was lucky enough to have doostyn to entertain me, aren’t you jealous? You should be. What follows is a twice boozed booze tube. He was drunk when we wrote this and I was drunk when writing it up.

doostyn: I have entered infomercial land.
I haven’t been up this late on a weekday in a long time, I’m so crazy!
gnatalby: Hopefully, you’ll run across the sobakawa sleep secret, the greatest infomercial ever!
doostyn: Why I feel 26 again! Sobakawa whaaaaaaaaaaa?
gnatalby: It’s a pillow filled with buckwheat hulls, the infomercial is great: he tries to light it on fire with a flame thrower, but it won’t go up in flames; he picks it up with a dustbuster– it’s very light yet when he places a carton of eggs under it a drops a bowling ball on it the eggs don’t break! This is the pillow you need if wile e. coyote is trying to kill you with anvils and flame, but if you still can’t have a heavy pillow.
doostyn: Oh i think i found the one for me: the NuWave oven. I love the cooking products infomercials, the Magic Bullet (yes named like a vibrator) is my fav.
gnatalby: hahahaha, what is that?
doostyn: it features an array of neighborhood stereotypes coming over to enjoy the newfangled gadget this “couple” has. One is the old drunk lady, or wait, the old cranky lady and the “party animal drunk,” they switch it up. The second one has an old drunk lady but classic magic bullet features the old cranky lady and party animal middle aged man drunk who keeps asking “Can you put booze in that?” It’s a small blender/processor that does maaaaaaaagic things like makes guacamole….in a flash Basically it’s a tiny high speed food processor.
gnatalby: booze guacamole?
doostyn: no.
gnatalby: well then what’s the point!
doostyn: when they make smoothies and other drinks booze is optional! So there IS a point, also you can make a delicious alfredo sauce by simply putting cream, parmesan, and other spices in the magic bullet and pressing it down just 5 quick times! Then like heating it and shit and like making pasta and it’s AMAZING! According to these testimonials by REAL PEOPLE! They are actually human, I’m pretty sure. Oh shit! Something called the Bullet Express!
gnatalby: Whoa, how could it get MORE convenient?
doostyn: This is from the same people who said: “We all love apple pie…” yes infomercial
tell me mooooore!
gnatalby: Are you tired of the backbreaking labor of pressing down 5 times with the magic bullet original? Give those fingers a rest with the magic bullet express!
doostyn: (I believe the lady fun time product was first.) Apparently, it’s just…bigger so it’s just a food processor, but….fast. My god! It’s mixing ingredients for bread dough, but it can also do pizza AND pie dough! Sooooooold!
gnatalby: so many kinds of dough!
doostyn: and a free juicer! Omg ALL NEW CHARACTERS! This is like a new season of my favorite show has started! This seems to be a two person operation, this making of a pizza. Ooo the nachos are out! Psh, Aunt Martha thinks it takes 30 minutes to make potatoes au gratin but with two people, one holding the dish.
gnatalby: jeez, you sure it’s not grandma martha, get with the times lady!
doostyn: One is putting (already cut) shit in the processor: it takes all of…. still going… 30 seconds? Perhaps we should rewind the clock and count in all that previous cutting…
gnatalby: When will they come out with a food processor that goes out to the field to get the veggies and then chops them up and puts them inside itself?
doostyn: Damn they’re making a lot of food, lucky neighbors. Oh lazy fat Ralph, sitting in the recliner… staring out the window? What is he doing over there? Oh! They tricked Ralph! Ralphie boy! (As they just maliciously called him.)
gnatalby: gosh.
doostyn: “Cheesecake is my favorite!” -Skinny Polyester Blond Extension-ed Beeetch
gnatalby: mmmmmmm, mine too SPBEB
doostyn: Aunt Martha sucks. Grannie almost cursed! Um, SPBEB just gave a heej to goatee, I’m pretty sure. She may have been vigorously rubbing his thigh, but we could not see the hand. Wow aunt martha wasted her life making pies that took like all day.
gnatalby: Hahaha. She could have been the girl president or, alternately, dancing in the video next to fiddy cent.
doostyn: Everyone weirdly expects the food to be bad.
gnatalby: Amateurs. Food is nearly always amazing.
doostyn: Oh shit! The bullet express TURNS INTO the bullet juicer!
gnatalby: Wow– why would you EVER get the normal bullet??
doostyn: So the difference seems to be that the bullet express lets food go directly into the plate, or dish rather, so you don’t have to dump processed food into the dish. That doesn’t seem to be a problem that really needed fixing. I’m disenchanted.
gnatalby: clearly you have not thought about the wrist strain of dumping the food repetitively like that. You could get carpal tunnel syndrome.
doostyn: hahaha, their starting price in the countdown of what you “won’t pay!” is $1000.
gnatalby: hahaha, that would be a pretty fucking fancy food processor.
doostyn: wow $120– after thinking i might have to pay $1000 I’m like, pretty sure I’d be making money by buying this, since I could sell it back to some sucker for maybe even $5000 if I got it signed by Ralph himself! Can you do a good Ralph signature?
gnatalby: Hahaha, I’ll just sign “Fat n Lazy!” Who can tell the difference– I’ll put a cheeto fingerprint next to it.
doostyn: yes dooooooooo it. Ralph says: “Why didn’t you ever tell me healthy tasted so good?” Grannie: “You never asked!” I’m disturbed by where they’re taking my favorite character
gnatalby: I don’t even know what to say about that.
doostyn: I should probably write to the producers.
gnatalby: what was ralphie supposed to ask? “Grandma– how good does healthy taste?”
doostyn: “Does healthy taste like graaaavy?”
gnatalby: “More like bacon, dear.”
doostyn: I don’t even think it’s his grandmother… Granny is just….the neighborhood old lady? But older than aunt martha, who is the neighborhood cunt burger, or possibly related to the v excitable british man and his equally excitable wife.
gnatalby: ha. Oh the british, so amusing.
doostyn: srsly “Yoshi” blade… i just saw something that magically cuts shit up right into the dish. So old school.
gnatalby: now they just need a device to go pick the veggies and we’re golden.
doostyn: Robot farmer bullet blade that sexxxes but isn’t creepy like that pillow that breathes is the prototype name.
doostyn: whoa! Just found the spanish language version of the bullet express infomercial!
gnatalby: nice. Is it the same actors and dubbed? or a whole different cast and crew?
doostyn: It’s dubbed. Wow granny gets so pissed at the beginning. It really comes across better in a fiery latina voice.
gnatalby: hehe
doostyn: oooo second fav type of informercial: cleaning! Hm. Air purifier. I don’t know how dramatic and enthusiastic the demonstrations can get on this.
gnatalby: I think you’re about to find out
doostyn: wow, .1 micron. That’s tiny. That’s how little the particles will be at the….2nd step? of the 6 step process.
gnatalby: I feel like the jews on passover with the song diyenu. “It would have been enough.” For me, .1 micron would be enough, I don’t need 4 more steps.
doostyn: I know I lost interest after that. You lost me air purifier
with your complicated ways. Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? Life’s like this i suppose.
gnatalby: no forceps on the ground…
doostyn: Bra! Or wait, even better, body shaper! Hahahaha. The bad body shaper just rolled out of this girl’s ass when she sat down.
gnatalby: rolled… out of it?
doostyn: well it came out of her butt…
gnatalby: how was it IN it?
doostyn: sorry, it’s had to explain. I keep making it sound like she was being sodomized by the bad body shaper; she sat down and it popped out of the top of her pants, I guess is a better way to say it, but like it was a total ass shot. So hawt.
gnatalby: Haha got it.
doostyn: it makes the roll disappear! Her skinny jeans fit! Um… they made her go from looking like one type of lumpy vegetable to a differently shaped lumpy vegetable.
gnatalby: perhaps it’s wearing skinny jeans that’s the problem in the first place.
doostyn: these body shapers are so funny to me b/c how does no one get that you can’t make it go away, you just make it look differently so why not be comfortable? Did you know that those days of having to zip up your dress and laying down to button up your pants are over? The first is confusing…..do we just not zip them now?
gnatalby: I just wear sweatpants now. No zippers or buttons here! I WIN AGAIN fashion industry!
doostyn: sweatpants? Like…out of doors?
gnatalby: I don’t really.
doostyn: oh good i was legit concerned for a moment.
gnatalby: just joshing you!
doostyn: a ‘mo-ment if you will, of sheer PANIC! Thought i might have to talk you down from the ledge. Muumuus after 40– ok 30– is one thing, sweatpants at any time, faaaaar different.
gnatalby: when I’m 40 I’ll be naked all the time.
doostyn: well i mean outside, in public.
gnatalby: Well I’ll be on the commune.
doostyn: oh right
gnatalby: Except I guess when we go on missions against the patriarchy.
doostyn: you should def go naked to those. And damn their man god. Ok i should def go to bed now. Down to less than 6 hrs of sleep.
gnatalby: I should go buy wine and go home and starting DRINKING IT awwwwww yeah.
doostyn: yes! But make a commitment! to get through it! and don’t pass out too early. I’m such a great friend.
gnatalby: well me too, keeping you up all night to narrate infomercials to me. You’re going to want to die tomorrow.
doostyn: I serenaded you through your roughest times with those things you love– takes on tv that you can’t watch.
gnatalby: Night, Ralphie.

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2 Responses to “Infomercials: Magic Bullets, Purifiers, Corsets”

  1. Erika Says:

    I should just ship you both buckwheat pillows from the home store down the street from me. Possibly cheaper. I do love mine, but I haven’t subjected it to fire or anything.

  2. Sadako Says:

    Late night commercials…the insanity! and inanity.

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