Last Train to Baghdad: Part 1

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Last Train to Baghdad: Part 1 (Melrose 6×19)

The climax of Melrosian lady stupids and Shakespearean mistaken identities. Kyle notices that “Christine” “doesn’t look the same.” That’s because she’s a completely different person! She says she had years of facial reconstruction, but for reals? These two were supposed to be in love. How can you not recognize the person you were in love with isn’t the same person?

On a slightly related note, I just watched The Hurt Locker last night (which was awesome and should win best picture at the Oscars) which makes the Baghdad flashbacks even worse in comparison. Also, Evangeline Lily (Kate from LOST) is in it, which brings things around to the topic of cons again.

“Christine” (and Taylor’s) con here is sort of difficult to work out, since “Christine” literally tells Kyle to go away because “they said it all seven years ago.” So the plan depends on him not listening to her. I guess I’m not crafty enough to plan out this sort of thing, which is probably a relief to my friends and family.

Sam and Billy are fighting about how she’s cheating on him with the equally bland baseball STAR Jeff Baylor. If you’re going to cheat, at least cheat up, don’t just pick a Billy clone. They make up when she returns, and there’s a gross implication that there will be make up sex. Happily for me, they have another fight about changes to campaign and the sexin’ is forestalled.

“Everything to Everyone” by Everclear is the song that leads us into the episode. I remember liking this song in high school although it is one of those songs that seems to say something specific when it’s really utterly generic. Oh no, this girl is a people pleaser! She tries to make people like her! How deserving of your scorn! (My favorite of these is Ani DiFranco: “You look like a picture of yourself taken from far, far away.” No really? You look like a picture of yourself? How strange! Illusion of depth over total shallowness.)

“Christine” shows up at Amanda’s place. Maybe this plan isn’t as stupid as I thought. She asks Amanda to talk to Kyle with her because they both need closure. So Kyle and “Christine” have lunch and he’s all “I can’t get over how different you look.” IT’S BECAUSE SHE’S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON KYLE!!!! Although, she has a Kimberly Shaw style enormous scalp scar. Melrose ladies are so lucky (um or not, on further reflection) they never get scarred on the face, just under their hair. And naturally their locks are full and long enough to cover it completely. Or I guess in the case of Kimberley they have amazingly realistic wigs. (JJ of Big Love take note! No need to keep your wife in a wig from a “Katy Perry” Halloween costume.) But what happened here? Did Taylor and Nick run a personals ad seeking a gorgeous woman who could conceivably look like some other woman who also has a massive head scar?

Amanda mysteriously has no friends, even though she’s the most awesome person in the ‘Place, so she has to ask Sam to be her maid of honor. Gross. I’d rather she asked Allison, at least she might get trashed and say something horriblelarious in the manner of Billy’s mom to Sam at their wedding.

Oh man. Then this happened: Michael takes care of this guy from the hood who gives him an idea—start an urgent care facility. He talks like Kevin Federline and it’s painfully obvious that the writers have never even driven through the bad parts of town. “You fell into a goldmine when you met me, Doc. You play your cards right—you might just stake a claim.” That last part is sort of hissed in a semi-menacing way, but what? Menacing gang members who talk in Wild West prospector metaphors?

Jennifer begs Billy to reprise his role as Craig, and Sam is weirdly all into it, she’s practically throwing Billy at her, which, I know we hate Billy, but Sam isn’t supposed to!

Peter goes to confront Lexi’s father while wearing a wire so that she will understand that her Dad sucks and is against her being with Peter. But oops, Dad has an aneurysm and dies just after Peter makes what sounds like a threat. Well, that should go well. There’s seriously so much going on in this pair of episodes, I don’t know why it isn’t the season finale.

Michael proposes that his mom invest in “The Mancini Medical Center” his new urgent care facility. Mama Mancini sticks a wet noodle on the fridge and says: “You have until this linguini hits the floor to convince me.” Ah Italians, always using pasta to make major life choices. Mama mia! That’s a spicy-a pepperoni!

Peter lies to Lexi about what was going on with her Dad and says they were making nice. Unfortunately for him, Megan finds the tape in his jacket pocket when she’s looking to transcribe his notes, so she hears him be all, “You’re losing your grip Tom, be careful or you might fall.” Incriminating! And fitting so well with the Melrose Place theme that this collection of felons is only ever falsely imprisoned.

Michael shows the lady Mancinis his clinic, which looks really nice, other than some half-hearted PG graffiti, but they act like they’re in Compton. Kevin Federline shows up, unnerving Michael but tells Michael that the street needs to see them shaking hands because it means they’re “in bidness.”

The sexing between Billy and Sam looms again, and Mama Mancini sees them making out and bursts into their apartment and punches him! It’s awesome. Way to do what we all long to, Mama Mancini! So Jennifer has to come clean about Craig having killed himself, which weirdly Mama Mancini is totally fine with.

Tuck and Patti are playing the jazz club this episode, which means nothing to me, but is apparently pleasing to Doostyn and Kathy Griffin. I’m learning so much about the smooth jazz stylings of the 90s. “Christine” shows up having decided to attend Kyle and Amanda’s wedding. Tuck and Patty play Kyle and Christine’s song “You Take my Breath Away.” But how did Taylor know it was their song since this isn’t the real Christine? Maybe Nick knew?

In what I initially thought was a flashback, Kyle and “Christine” are having a candlelit dinner for two. I don’t care how cool and not jealous Amanda is, surely this is too far! You should never prohibit your partner from hanging out with an ex but you don’t have to let them go on dates together, jeez louise.

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One Response to “Last Train to Baghdad: Part 1”

  1. No More Trains to Baghdad, Please « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] The second installment was actually much more boring than the set-up. […]

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