Baby When We’re Grinding, I Get So Excited

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Melrose Place 6×17: Coop De Grace

This episode is particularly notable in light of Melrose Place 2009, but most of the action centers around Kyle and Craig, which sounds like it would be really terrible and boring, but is actually ok.

Kyle keeps having dream flashbacks to mushy emo times with Christine, who’s all “You’re the first man I ever really loved.” Unlike most boyfriends, Kyle is dumb enough to believe that.

Kyle and Amanda reveal their engagement to Peter, who does not flip out. He leans over to hug Amanda and she feels “pressure” on her leg.

Paralysis over!

Taylor breaks into old war buddy Nick’s house to learn about Christine. Also to get a drink. ‘Atta girl. Then Taylor and Nick inexplicably have sex, even though they hate each. Why? People around here trade lovers like baseball cards. The dialogue is so slashy it kills me.

Nick: All right we had sex, what do you want?
Taylor: I bet you really miss kyle.
Nick: Man saved my life. Never thought you or anyone could come between us. Now look at me, lying in bed with his wife.
Taylor: Well I’m his ex-wife, for now, I wish there was some way I could help you two be friends again. Maybe it would help make up for all the mistakes I made.

Nick tells Taylor that Christine is still alive, but that she was disfigured and made him promise to tell Kyle she was dead. This is my second time viewing this, and I find this confusing in terms of later events. Apparently Christine really is dead, and the “Christine” who will be showing up imminently really is a fake. But if that’s true, then why have her live through the explosion anyway? My lady brain is confused!

Taylor comes back to find Amanda having collapsed on the floor after a purse-hooked-on-chair caused pratfall. I only mention is because of Taylor’s super-bitchy “Gawwwwwd you’re heavy.” Heh. I’ve seen Amanda, that seems unlikely.

Meanwhile, in Craig! Stanford Blatch tells Jennifer Mancini that the heart valve will kill people, she tells Craig and Craig responds, in so many words, that he will murder her if she tells anyone. She does tell, and in a scene I’d forgotten, he comes to her apartment to try to kill her, but Billy intervenes, fore-shadowng Melrose love. I feel like these people are all just trauma bonded to one another.

Then! Craig steal Jennifer Mancini’s car, holding her at gunpoint: “Sydney was right! You’re all a bunch of emotional vampires!”

Craig drives out into the desert and cries, all: “Couldn’t do it Syndey, I couldn’t do it without you. I screwed up everything and I miss you so much. I just want to hold you again. I just want to be with you again.”

And then Craig shoots himself. It’s extra pathetic when you consider that new Melrose contends that Sydney faked her death with the help of Michael Mancini, for what reasons I am as in the dark as anyone. So Craig just killed himself for the love of a woman who couldn’t stand being with him enough that she pretended to die. This may be the most pathetic death ever on Melrose Place, and is coming close to the most undignified tv death of all time– when Dawson’s dad’s ice cream plopped off the cone and he went to scrape it off the floor and died in a fiery crash from taking his eyes off the raod. Why was he picking up the ice cream? Was he going to eat it? Off the floor? There’s no 5-second rule for wet foods!

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One Response to “Baby When We’re Grinding, I Get So Excited”

  1. Mama Mia Mancini « Booze. TV. Food. How Do *You* Spend Friday Nights? Says:

    […] aimed at Jennifer, which I sort of agree with, since he stole her car and shot himself in it. The indignity continues as Jennifer never seems remotely upset about the death of her “love” again. […]

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